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Ketamine Therapy? I’m in Therapy on Ketamine

Lately there has been a lot of hype around this idea of “ketamine therapy”—apparently scientists claim you can therapeutically inject ketamine to treat serious issues like trauma and depression. This is great news, especially since some of us have already been using this method for years: all it takes is going to your mandatory therapy session and already being on ketamine. Tell that to those fancy scientists over at Harvard!

They say you want your dose to be therapeutically administered by a doctor, so today I loaded up on 500 milligrams, a dose therapeutically administered by Doctor Me. Hell yeah!

Apparently, some people can be nervous at first when they take their medicine, which explains why I got those come-up jitters and then passed out for three and a half hours.

As further evidence for the benefits of this healing method, Dr. Hoffman himself confirmed I am making real progress. “You seem like you’re doing great these days,” he said. “Also, I am a couch cushion who just wants to party!”

Another awesome session in the books with Dr. Hoff—or should I say Dr. Couch Cushion.

Now, when I started my ketamine therapy journey, did I necessarily know I was ahead of the curve on modern medicine? Admittedly, no. But did I feel my way towards something great? That’s a yes, which just goes to show you don’t need fancy shmancy research to back up your healing methods. Don’t tell me you didn’t hear it here first when in a few years they also come out with ketamine eating dinner and ketamine going to your best friend’s wedding.

How’s that for holistic healing?

Okay, fine. You really want the truth? I just take ketamine because it’s awesome. You got me. I had no idea about “ketamine therapy” when I started this whole thing twelve years ago in my mom’s basement. Yes, my depression is mostly gone, but I also never had depression in the first place. I’m in therapy for issues related to pathological lying and drug abuse, if you can believe it. But hey! I still think it’s great that modern psychology has removed the stigma around drugs, and it will totally not be undermined by addicts writing columns on the internet.