PHILADELPHIA — Problematic punk Tom “Bigfoot” LaTucci was officially exiled from the local scene by the Punk Elder Tribunal this morning and banished to the suburbs, sources removing him from their phone contacts report.
“I have no choice but to accept the ruling of the tribunal, and hereby and forthwith renounce any and all claims to veteran status, up to and including the right to contact bookers directly rather than going through their public-facing process,” said LaTucci in an official statement. “I leave now for the hostile and unknown world beyond the city walls, where my cousin will provide me aid and comfort, provided I pay half the utilities and don’t bother him on Sundays during football season. I pledge to never return, unless someone really big is playing at the stadium or something.”
A member of LaTucci’s band Rancid Ounces agreed that a prolonged suburban sentence was the only proper course of action, but warned of a coming power vacuum in the scene.
“Perhaps Tommy will reconsider the error of his ways, make amends with those he hurt and begin the long process of paying me back for the thousands of cigarettes he bummed off of me,” said Omar Hernandez. “Unfortunately, his departure will come as a shock to the crusties in Center City and the lesser esoteric poly cults in West Philly who saw him as a beacon of morality for some strange reason. Whether chaos or justice reigns remains to be seen.”
An anonymous Gen X punk currently serving his own banishment offered words of wisdom to any punk facing the grim reality of a cul-de-sac imprisonment.
“I was also cast out, abandoned and betrayed. I found myself living in the suburbs of Washington D.C, studying for my real estate license while my so-called ‘friends’ toured the country in shitty vans,” said the unnamed former punk. “I’m now a millionaire with four children and I take piano lessons on the weekends. I also coach soccer and volunteer at the library. It’s hell, but one can survive it with a proper commitment to alcoholism.”
As of press time, leaders in the scene were considering letting LaTucci back because he had a really sweet practice space.