HANNA, Alberta — Rock band Nickelback reportedly dismissed swirling rumors that their new album “Geopolitical Quantum: An Analysis of Cosmic Diplomacy” was generated by AI and insisted the music was the result of their own profound genius, sources confirmed.
“AI? Come on. Real Nickelback fans can tell I’ve had an insatiable curiosity for quantum phenomena and their implications on global affairs ever since we dropped ‘Rockstar,’” said lead singer Chad Kroeger while watching Youtube clips of the Power Slap competition. “I can assure you this album is nothing but organic Kroegerian intellect, baby. Daniel, our drummer, even hand-painted the cover! He only put that DALL-E watermark in the bottom corner to serve as a metaphor about robots and the government, obviously.”
Many fans were taken aback by the album’s jarring left turn, straying from Nickelback’s signature themes.
“I miss the simpler days when their music was about partying or falling in love or exuding sheer joy over that beer in your hand,” said longtime fan Ed Tremaine. “Do they really expect me to pump my fist to a song that uses the word ‘sojourns’ seventeen times? There’s not even a single mention on the entire album of standing in a circle with your lifelong pals while sharing cold beers and stories of the good ol’ days! And have you seen the tracklist? You want me to believe they wrote a song titled ‘Sorry, I Cannot Complete That Request’? This just isn’t the Nickelback I know!”
Quantum physicist Dr. Francesca Caldwell praised Nickelback for uncovering several new theories about anti-matter.
“Nickelback not only created a groundbreaking piece of buttrock, but they’ve also revolutionized our understanding of the universe,” said Dr. Caldwell. “The sheer brilliance of these revelations go far beyond the capabilities of an artificial intelligence. Thanks to Nickelback, intricate problems previously thought unsolvable will be solved with efficiency, interstellar exploration will be revolutionized tenfold, and we are significantly closer to understanding the mysteries of our vast universe. Fuck, that album is fire.”
As of press time, Nickelback announced their next album will refute Einstein’s theory of relativity, and they expect to complete it in just one fifteen-minute studio session.
An oldie isn’t always a goodie, but even “bad” AFI is good without quotes. We know, we gaffed and AFI’s 1995 debut studio record “Answer That and Stay Fashionable” should be the number one ranked LP here, actually we can’t even make it through this sentence without unsuccessfully asking our mom for permission to do so, gasping, laughing, falling down, and turning ill. While your favorite release is completely contingent on where you were in your respective life when you discovered the band, this album is a good intro to your friend and mine about a band with an expansive catalog, but that’s about it.
Northern California’s AFI formed in 1991 and subsequently released four albums in the 1990s. In a predictable manner to us and a possibly unpredictable one to you, the first three records to come out are the first three to be mentioned in this piece; this fact that is an opinion will likely make you close your eyes and open your mouth, but honestly you should lower your head and take it in the body. However, this entry is actually their third full-length and the next one to be featured is their second, showing you, the avid reader, that we put some intricate and delicate thought into this here list. You’re welcome; the devil loves you. Anyway, to add salt for your wounds, the best part about this one is the fantastic LP that directly followed it in 1999. More on that punk classic later!
AFI’s 1996’s LP “Very Proud of Ya” is the band’s sophomore release, and as a wake-up call to all of you misguided and bitter Despair Faction members, it’s their best effort of the first three records; yep. While it admittedly has way too many songs, in fact, the most tracks on any of the band’s total albums, the longest tune clocks at at two-minutes and forty-five seconds, so if you’re not a fan of a particular entry, advances in modern technology would permit you to either skip or cruise control through it. Basically 1995-1997 were adolescent years for the group, and they finally hit their adult stride on the self-titled EP that came out one year later, but as you know, that is not technically an album, so if you’re looking for its ranking here, think again, pleeb. To close this trilogy that isn’t as good as “The Godfather” trilogy, but arguably better than part three, “Very Proud of Ya” is the last album from the band that wasn’t truly consistent from its nascent start to its bitter end.
Self-titled records are often a combination or an inkling of a valiant return to form, a strategic back-to-basics vibe, and, to be quite frank, the lack of a good name suggestion for an album. While you can decide in the comments which of these AFI’s 2017 LP actually is or isn’t, and we know that you dumb kids actually will, one thing’s for sure, the blood on this record literally runs thick, and there is a plethora of sonic influences over the course of its fourteen tracks. That is definitely not a bad thing, but the other seven records just did it better. We’re gonna end this section with an Easter Egg from the extremely serious and rarely comedic group known as A Fire Inside: AFI has a song on “The BLOOD Album” called “Above the Bridge” and Red Hot Chili Peppers have a song called “Under The Bridge” on their blockbuster “BLOOD Sugar Sex Magik” record. Woah! California!
In an effort to showcase a huge case of low-hanging and possibly spoiled fruit, Drowning Pool did it first in their megahit butt-rock single twenty years before 2021’s AFI record “Bodies,” but this most recent album effort from the band with three letters as its band name is the first of two one-word albums starting with the letter “B” to be sequentially listed here. Speaking of the letter “B,” one more five-word album from the band to be mentioned later also starts with “B” and it is a bodacious entry at that! Back to “Bodies,” this record is the group’s shortest album of their career to be released after 1997, and truly, truly leaves the listener wanting more, which is good or bad depending on who is writing an album ranking article for your twisted tongues. We’ll check out your blog later and subsequently toast to the band’s next eleven LPs!
Gil Norton produced several rad and sonically perfect LPs for Foo Fighters, Jimmy Eat World, Pixies, Echo & the Bunnymen, and many, many more bands that even your anxious and bitter punk rock hearts secretly and not-so-secretly love. Gil sat behind the boards for 2013’s “Burials,” and along with the number two entry in this article is one of the more underrated AFI albums in their expansive catalog, and it won’t likely start a deep slow panic to admit that the record is definitely the most unappreciated one to be listed thus far. Wild! Last words of the runaway: “Burials” is as dark as its album title suggests, and so, so much catchier than most bands could ever hope to be in or around the scene. Our hope for forgiveness dies.
Here’s a true summer shudder to all of you fools about a cold (love-like) Winter album title: You’re so right, this one should at the very least be a medal winner in the golden #1, silver #2, or bronze #3 slot in this piece, but we’re not apologizing as your negative comments light a fire inside. Sorry not sorry: Number five is what it is and we’re the final word on a piece that we write. Yep. Still, 2016’s “Decemberunderground” really rips, and it likely introduced many to the four-piece known as AFI; much respect. It’s also badass that this record topped the album charts, and it’s even cooler that seventeen years after the album came out, “Miss Murder” STILL gets constant radio love to the masses. Simply a look can break your heart.
Ranks 11-9 are the band’s first three albums from the 90s, and 8-5 are all from this century, so how did we do so far? Answer that and… yeah, no. 1999’s “Black Sails in the Sunset” is the last album of the 20th century to be mentioned in this piece, and the songs still truly hold up today! Who knew? Bad Religion certainly doesn’t hold a monopoly on chanting, and AFI opens this record up by discussing our album rankings in this article by shouting, “Through our bleeding we are four! Through our bleeding we are four!” At a glance, this hilarious joke references its fourth slot position, and the actual number of people in the raucous and revered rock-and-roll band AFI. Say the titles of tracks 2-4 on this record out loud three times fast and jump down to the next section!
AFI kicked off this century with “The Art of Drowning” on September 19, 2000, and the punk world hasn’t been the same in the best way since. This LP is the band’s last album to be solely released on Dexter “The singer and the guitarist for The Offspring and a licensed pilot who has a doctorate in molecular biology and who wrote ‘Original Prankster’ in case you forgot” Holland’s Nitro Records before inking a deal with the now-defunct DreamWorks Records, which eventually folded into Geffen Records and later merged into the Interscope Geffen A&M Records group. That’s a mouthful of greetings and goodbyes. Two albums before the group’s eventual #1 slot on Billboard (and #5 slot over here), this record is their first to chart in the top 200, providing the charts with an initiation for the lost souls. SMILE!
This may ruffle some feathers, rather, this may (and this is foreshadowing to the #1 spot below) modify various makeshift wings, but we don’t do this for your (crash) love; we solely do it for your bitter non-beautiful comments, dorks. As we mentioned and alluded to in the handy-dandy “Burials” section a mere four positions above, 2009’s “Crash Love” may just be AFI’s most underrated album, and your anger on this position proves said opinion as fact. SACRILEGE! If this truly offends you, just medicate, and then you will say, “Okay, I feel better now.” Anyway, “Crash Love” is the band’s last album since “The Art of Drowning” to have less than three singles, which successfully proved that the fourpiece’s label ended transmission and gave up on this one way too soon, which is a shame given how flawless it is. If you had a chance to see AFI open for Green Day on this record’s (and GD’s also underrated “21st Century Breakdown” LP’s) cycle, throw your arms into the sky!
This time imperfect: We know that millions of diehard AFI fans will flock to read these rankings, but even hardcore and misguided ‘90s AFI indie label fans have to legally admit that this major-label debut is the band’s most superior album front-to-back. You can’t be mad at this placement, but you will be! Come. On. Now. The band’s eventual platinum-selling and perfect sans any filler LP “Sing the Sorrow” hit stores/MTV/radio/random cool supermarkets and head shops in March of 2003, and successfully found a way to unite both a plethora of old and new fans of the group, being FAR from a great disappointment. This celluloid dream is extremely rare when bands make a jump to the big leagues, and you’ve gotta give the band mad props for doing so.
Surrender to the fact that at some point in your tenure here, you’re going to have to listen to him play guitar. This, for many, is the hardest step.
He’s called you in, after all, and if he’s bringing a guitar to the office every day, he probably has some serious rank in this company.
This will only lead to the following: “Wait, you like Pearl Jam?” and (picking up the guitar): “Okay, check this out.” (It won’t even be “good” Pearl Jam. He’s into, like, “Binaural.”)
When he asks who your musical influences are, it’s a clear “baiting” tactic to get you to ask him about his. Don’t go for it. Before you know it, you’ll be looking at an empty guitar holder—like the scene in “Jurassic Park” where the goat is missing and its chain is swinging back and forth. CUT TO: Your colleague is holding the guitar.
He’ll just pick up the guitar and say, “This IS the project.”
Tip back in the chair and give yourself a concussion. When you throw up, try to do it on the guitar. This might not sit well with your coworker at first, but he’ll understand eventually, and it will buy you—and your colleagues—some much-needed time.
When he gets the guitar back from the shop, he’ll want to show it to you. Appear confused. Say you don’t know what “that” is. Imply that the concussion has maybe erased part of your memory. When he says the guitar plays “music,” shake your head. This will lead him to “teaching” you, which in turn will lead to . . . Fuck. Too late.
Realize it’s not about you anymore: You’re taking one for the team. Your other colleagues have kids, mortgages, real problems. You can tough this out for the next thirty to forty-five minutes. Could be an hour and a half. You might want to think about other things. Don’t. There will be a quiz at the end.
This could indeed be your biggest contribution to the company.
You earned it.
Born in Reno, Nevada, Stern Hanson was amongst the most dedicated members of the Reno scene, much to the scene’s detriment. Kevin Seconds once referred to him as “that weird dude who always uses way too much eye contact.”
Born in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Wallace Klenzendorf was born with his arms already crossed judgmentally. He allegedly learned to scowl before he learned to crawl.
Grimhilde Futz was born in Hamburg, Germany, and was near immediately abandoned by her parents out of sheer terror. She was raised by a coalition of anarchist chimney sweeps who had originally mistaken her for a creepy Victorian doll.