PRESCOTT, Ariz. — Local metal enthusiast Griff Nilsson asked his doctor to adjust the persistent ringing in his ears to a pitch that was more in line with the kind of music he enjoys, sources who are tired of repeating themselves report.
“I’ve come to more or less accept the tinnitus,” said Nilsson while cranking up the volume on his white noise machine. “I go to a lot of loud shows and it just comes with the territory. I’ll always hear a constant tone—but why does it have to be such a wussy note? I was thinking it would be super cool if the ringing were like a heavy drone instead. Something real doomy, kind of like an early Earth gig in my brain at all times. At least then I might enjoy it.”
Audiologist Dr. Eric Earhardt agreed to initially evaluate Nilsson.
“A few years ago, I would’ve told Mr. Nilsson he was out of luck,” said Dr. Earhardt. “But thanks to recent advances with microsurgical instruments, in some instances we are able to tune a patient’s tinnitus to a more desirable pitch. A very low D note, in Mr. Nilsson’s case. He has also asked for the tone to be distorted. He played some selections by a musical group called Sunn O))) for me as a reference. It is certainly an unusual request, but I told him I would do my best. I just wish these dummies would wear hearing protection in the first place.”
Not everyone agrees that surgical intervention is the best way to deal with persistent tinnitus.
“This whole thing strikes me as daft,” said Devon Salisbury, lead guitarist for new-wave British heavy metal legends Piss Crypt. “Me n’ me mates have been dealing with this affliction for decades and have come up with a few tried and true methods for coping with it. For instance, if you get yourself good an’ blitzed on gin and cocaine, and then toss back a couple of ‘ludes, I guarantee you won’t hear no ringing no more—at least not till you come down. I also know of a veterinarian who makes a pharmaceutical cocktail that will turn your tallywacker into Cleopatra’s Needle, if you follow. What was we talking about again, guv?”
As of press time, Nilsson reportedly asked his doctor if it would be possible to rearrange his varicose veins so that they’d resemble the Darkthrone logo.
While “Dawn of the Dead” is probably the best of the Romero zombie movies, “Day of the Dead” serves as a meditation on how different personality types deal with the end of the world, and how none of that matters because the military is a bunch of dickheads.
Dayton may be the ‘Birthplace of Aviation,’ but no one really cares about that anymore. Arguably more exciting is the fact that Dayton is the birthplace of Brainiac (or 3RAN1AC if you want to be a dick about it). Before their five-year run was cut tragically short by the untimely death of lead singer, Tim Taylor, they pushed the envelope on nearly every subgenre of punk and hardcore in existence. The band’s out-of-control sound has been cited to have influenced countless bands including, but not limited to; Nine Inch Nails, The Mars Volta, The Blood Brothers, and somehow even Muse (when they were good, we assume).
Among the first wave of punk acts to emerge in the late ‘70s, Dead Boys from Cleveland made their mark as one of the most chaotic and violent groups of the fledgling genre. Not unlike the multitude of Ohio residents who have never left their hometowns, the original iteration of the band would ultimately fall apart after releasing only two albums. An event equating to an unfortunate waste of a mountain of potential. Still their influence and legacy lives on, spawning sporadic reunions as a fresh lineup has been teasing new music since 2017.
Have you ever wondered what System Of A Down would sound like if they consisted of just a cello player and a drummer? Quit dreaming and listen to Cincinnati’s very own Lung. Performing as just a two-piece, the band manages to craft a lush and chaotic sound thanks to Kate Wakefield’s shredding effects-driven cello and operatic voice. Drummer Daisy Caplan holds down the fort with thudding dramatic beats. Together they make a racket so righteous you’d think they were from a respectable state.
Genre-bending pioneers and horndog legends Nine Inch Nails originated as the brainchild of Cleveland’s Trent Reznor. Despite Ohio’s legacy of agricultural innovation, Nine Inch Nails is largely responsible for popularizing and propelling Industrial Rock into the mainstream, though you would be apt to not mention that in front of Reznor or a farmer. The next time you listen to ‘Closer’ alone in your car like a depraved psychopath, consider how truly challenging it must have been for Trent to overcome such instilled Midwestern reservation to deliver the sex jam of the century.
A full two years before the masked metal band Slipknot emerged, Mushroomhead was already ahead of the curve regarding their costumed concept. In fact, the commonalities between the bands coupled with the suspected plagiarism committed by Slipknot lead to a chaotic feud that erupted in a violent 1999 tour-stop in Mushroomhead’s hometown of Cleveland, OH. As Slipknot took the stage, a horde of angry concertgoers began pelting the band with anything they could get their hands on, including (allegedly) a padlock that struck bassist Paul Dedrick Gray square in the face. All of this is apparently water under the bridge as each band claims fandom of the other, but one thing remains clear: Don’t fuck with Cleveland or you’ll get the padlock.
Columbus’s All Dogs formed as a bit of a supergroup featuring members of local legends, Delay, Saintseneca, and Slaughter Beach, Dog. Their sugary hooks mixed with their vulnerable lyricism made their debut album, ‘Kicking Every Day,’ an instant hit among those yearning for the next pop-punk explosion. While the band would essentially disappear for eight years after that review, rumblings in their camp have suggested a comeback may be on the horizon.
You don’t have to be a divorced middle-aged Dad to thoroughly enjoy The National, but it helps. Though technically formed in Brooklyn, New York circa 1999, the original lineup of the band was comprised entirely of members that claim Cincinnati as their home base. Since Brooklyn already has enough bands, we likely won’t get too much pushback here by rightfully claiming them for the Buckeye State. With captivating lyrics and delicately produced backbeats, The National remains one of the most revered contemporary alt-rock bands among very sad Midwesterners, and likely will for years to come.
This one is probably pretty obvious considering their massively popular and genre-defying single “Ohio Is For Lovers.” While Hawthorne Heights in no way invented or pioneered Midwestern Emo, we want to give Ohio a win here and fill our comment section with inflammatory retorts, so we’ll just go ahead and say it: Emo music did not exist until Hawthorne Heights released ‘The Silence In Black In White,’ making Ohio not just the birthplace for modern Emo, but the entire genre as a whole.
