My older sister Randie is finally tying the knot, and we haven’t exactly been on the best of terms since I crashed her Jeep into a few parked cars during a beer run, but she’s reluctantly still inviting me at the behest of my parents. Since I work from home (read: stream on Twitch and collect unemployment) and my social life isn’t exactly flourishing, I’m at a loss as to what to wear on such an occasion. So I’m looking to Weezer, a band that amazingly has zero misses in their 30-year career, to solve my sartorial dilemma.
30. Rivers Cuomo “Blue Album”
I guess I’d put this on if I was an 8-year-old ring bearer, but my nephew Walter already has that job and that kid bites real hard. He had the nerve to tell Randie that I was smoking cigarettes in the her bathroom during Thanksgiving dinner last year, I wasn’t smoking. I was snorting pills.
29. Patrick Wilson “Make Believe”
Not sure what’s going on here, but this album is where Pat’s hair loss becomes really obvious. Well, mine’s falling out too and I think it’s probably because when I was 18 I tried dipping a joint in Nair to see what would happen. Anyway, I don’t want to bring any more attention to that. Especially with a weird print t-shirt and a pair of Sketchers.
28. Mikey Welsh “Green Album”
This is the only album cover Mikey Welsh appears on and he looks SO uncomfortable. Almost like his mom dressed him for the shoot and he fought her on it the whole time. If a guy who previously played in a band called Left Nut can’t rock a fit with confidence, I have no chance at all.
27. Patrick Wilson “White Album”
It’s hard to tell what’s going on in this picture, but whatever it is, it makes me anxious. He looks like an off-duty cop that wants to beat the shit out of someone trying to shoplift a trinket from a store on the boardwalk. Hard pass.
26. Scott Shriner “Make Believe’
It’s almost as if the band realized Shriner looked way too tough to play in Weezer, and honestly, anyone that signs up for one cardio kickboxing class is probably too tough to play in Weezer. This forced them to dress Scott up like an awkward 7th grader to compensate. Well, last time I went to a gym they called the cops on my for drinking the hand soap.
25. Patrick Wilson “Blue Album”
This one just screams “It’s laundry day and I’m out of quarters.” I get that drummers need to dress comfortably but that shirt is very see-through. Last time I wore a see-through shirt my parents saw my “Fuck Me Raw” tattoo on my back and wrote me out of the will.
24. Rivers Cuomo “Black Album”
Remember when Wile E. Coyote would be chasing the roadrunner and he’d set up an elaborate trap involving a bucket of tar, but end up getting the tar poured all over him, then just stand there looking defeated? That’s what Rivers looks like here. Not the vibe I’m going for.
23. Brian Bell “Green Album”
This guy is way too handsome to play in a dorky band like Weezer and he knows it. He can probably wear a Wegman’s bag and make it look like high fashion. The military jacket with the strappy things on the shoulders is a little too Franz Ferdinand for my taste, though.
22. Rivers Cuomo “Make Believe”
This one’s giving off serious “what did you think of my improv show” energy. Maybe my cousins from West Virginia would think I’m cool and artsy, but they’d most likely have a lot of (correct) assumptions about my sexuality.
21. Brian Bell “White Album”
Once again, it’s hard to tell what’s happening here, but his posture is oozing with pretty boy confidence so I’ll trust that the fit is a homerun. If only I had his lion’s mane of hair and not something akin to Bill Murray in Scrooged.
20. Girl On Swing “Pacific Daydream”
Randie LOVED to dress me up in girl’s clothes when I was little, so maybe I’ll beat her to the punch with this one and roll up looking cuter than the maid of honor. What could possibly go wrong?
19. Matt Sharp “Blue Album”
This one’s giving me “we just had a night of great sex and I’m making us pancakes” energy and not quite wedding material. If only I could make the disheveled look as endearing as Matt Sharp does. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had sex. I know I cried a lot, and my wallet got stolen.
18. Brian Bell “Make Believe”
This strikes me as a young, hip college professor that definitely hooks up with his students. At some point I’d have to pull out my pocket watch and declare that I’m late for my Burroughs book club meeting.
17. Scott Shriner “White Album”
Not gonna lie, showing up to a family function looking like a deep background actor in “Road Warrior” would be delightfully antisocial. Might need to employ a fog machine. Strong contender, but the wedding is in August and I sweat more than doctors think is humanly possible.
16. Rivers Cuomo “Green Album”
Maybe my wedding gift to Randie will be flashbacks of the time I learned how to play “Basket Case” and would terrorize her by playing it at full blast at all hours of the night. But I pawned my guitar a few years back to get my nipples pierced. Then I pawned my amp to pay for medications to cure the infection I ended up getting. Keep your nipple piercings clean people.
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