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Oh No: My Blind Date Yelled “Next!” and Now MTV Producers Are Dragging Me Onto a Bus

For god sake, somebody help me! A minute ago I was sitting down at a cute cafe for a blind date my friend set me up on. Then out of nowhere, everything went to shit. My date Jessica randomly yelled “Next” as loud as she could while I was telling her about my impressive Star Wars LEGO collection.

Suddenly, a group of goons in Hurley board shorts and complimentary TRL polos started manhandling me! Then these dudes holding cameras with “MTV” written on the side ambushed me from the bushes. The next thing I knew, they were tossing me onto this dark bus where two guys named Thad were just hanging out on a couch waiting for me.

I’ve been stuck in this bus-shaped prison for what feels like hours now. I spent the first few minutes frantically slamming on the tinted windows and yelling at people passing by, but this thing is clearly soundproofed. I tried to text my “friend” who had set me up on this date from hell, but my phone reception was down. Did Jessica have a cell signal blocker set up? Was I going to die in here? I started to panic when I saw “LOVE WILL SET YOU FREE” smeared in blood on the back window. Then I noticed there were even more people sitting behind me in the shadows…

“It’s no use man, we’ve already tried everything,” said a quiet voice from the corner, sending shivers down my spine. “Once you’ve been Nexted, it’s over.” It turns out I wasn’t the only one who’d been kidnapped. In fact, there were three other guys on the bus, each with a story eerily similar to mine.

“17 years ago I was on a date with a girl named Kat who loved to boogie board. She yelled ‘Next’ after I accidentally knocked over my glass of water and I’ve been here ever since,” said the voice who identified himself as Tristen from Hermosa Beach.

After talking with everyone on the bus I realized this is an organized criminal enterprise. They use reasonably attractive women as “bait” and they determine whether or not unwitting men spend the rest of their days stuck on a dank bus with an overflowing toilet and way too many Sum 41 CDs.

Skyler from Venice, who has been on the bus since 2008 pointed out there is even a small screen up there livestreaming all the dates. He pointed to a tiny TV I hadn’t noticed in the corner. It appeared Jessica was on yet another date in the same place she’d met me. She had to be stopped, these people have to be stopped.

If anyone reads this please tell my manager at Sunglass Hut in the Century City mall that I won’t be in for my shift tomorrow or ever. This bus is my home now.