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Uh Oh: Hardcore Vocalist Just Unfurled Scroll

SOUTH CENTERVILLE, N.Y. — Stunned audience members of a recent Ripped Hymnal set were understandably fidgety after realizing the vocalist prepared for a between song rant by unfurling a massive scroll, impatient sources confirmed.

“I mean, he let the bottom of that parchment drop and it started rolling at least a few dozen feet. It’s cool that clearly some sort of very serious, very long-winded decree was about to be made, but we were already getting pretty antsy from the lack of air conditioning,” said show promoter Paola Gruyere. “So when a pair of footmen pulled up a horse-drawn carriage to the stage and handed the scroll over as they knelt in reverence, we all pretty much knew it was time to hit the bar. If it was anything important, we’d hear about it from the town crier ‘on the morrow’ or some shit.”

Ripped Hymnal frontman Ruben “Pep” Goldpepper firmly held down his belief that the regal, performative act was far from unnecessary.

“Look dude, sometimes speaking from the heart simply doesn’t cut it, and you have to speak instead from a finely composed proclamation on the finest papyrus parchment, written with a mighty raven’s feather,” said Goldpepper, while gazing out into the horizon. “Not to mention ink made from a slain boar’s bile. I’m just lucky the buglers I use for the prelude, who frame my body within the robust arch of their horns, weren’t scheduled to deliver at Domino’s that night.”

Clearly shaken by the proclamation was scene mainstay, and leader of the small sovereign nation of Wriffensley’s Realm, King Gadabout Wriffensley the IVth.

“Oh, I’m crestfallen over my bit being pilfered, to be certain. Most people know how easy it is to get a ‘yay, verily’ out of me, but this fucker stealing my bit had me giving one of my very first ‘nay, narilies’, it saddens me to say. I will say, I’m green with envy over the rapt attention this ‘Pep’ has over his dominion,” said his majesty, stroking his beard while waiting in line for the can. “Receiving such undivided attention from even the lowliest paupers of my province is always something I’ve struggled with. Oh, confound it, am I going to have to go to war with this asshole?”

After the initial eye-roll, the audience was relieved to find out that the scroll simply contained information on a double-parked 2009 red Hyundai Elantra outside that was in danger of being towed.