Those of you who have been asking for a Maroon 5 review are in luck, and also, go fuck yourselves. This past weekend we accidentally accomplished a full-discography digest of the band after getting barricaded inside an Aeropostale dressing room for a long and grueling seventeen hours.
We were just trying to steal a pair of socks!
We tried calling for help, but unfortunately, our screams could not be heard under the passionate wail of Adam Levine’s vocals reverberating throughout the store. Between the plastic smell of mass-produced accessories and the blare of a playlist that apparently has not changed since 2013, the experience proved to be rather hellish. Nonetheless, we came away with a comprehensive review:
“She Will Be loved”
Old school Maroon 5 fans will remember when stone-cold heartthrob Adam Levine revealed his sensitive side by claiming he doesn’t mind spending every day on the corner in the pouring rain of one lucky eighteen-year-old girl who he deems a “beauty queen having some trouble with herself.” Oh, that angsty age-gap romance endemic only to the early early 2000s! Even we, while planning our escape through the crack at the top of the dressing room, couldn’t help but take a second to cringe with nostalgia.
Another Maroon 5 classic that most millennials will remember from middle school PE hype playlists or the occasional birthday party during which one kid might start to dance a little too suggestively. Unlike the last song, this one can easily be applied to any romantic interest, and, again, we couldn’t help but relate when Levine crooned: “I don’t wanna be needing your love, I just wanna be deep in your love, and it’s killing me when you’re away. Ooh baby.”
“Harder to Breathe”
Okay, we would be lying if we said this one didn’t hit a little close to home. I mean, there is only so much of a teenage perfume called “Conrad” one can inhale before their respiratory tract starts to shut down.
Moves Like Jagger
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD GET US OUT HERE.
At this point in the discography, we were mid-attempt at fastening wooden hangers together to pole-vault ourselves out of the dressing room, but not without being forced to listen to this 2023 single that we are certain none of you have heard. The song was actually pretty good, but that may just be because we were starting to get dehydrated and having serious lapses in consciousness.
A symbolic last track, this song played as we suddenly remembered we had a phone on us all along and could have dialed the police hours ago. As the doors to the dressing room were bust down and we were peeled off the ground and shoved onto a stretcher, Levine’s lyricism painted a beautiful picture of the scene: “And now, I’ve wasted my nights, you turned out the lights, now I’m paralyzed, still stuck in that time, when we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise…”