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Suspicious Lump on Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein’s Neck Turns Out to Just Be Another Ab Muscle

LODI, N.J. — A worrisome lump found on legendary Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein’s neck ended up being an extra abdominal muscle, relieved sources confirmed.

“It was a light gym day, so after my third workout I headed to the doc for my weekly physical,” said the guitarist also known as Paul Caiafa to his mother. “Usually I’m in and out, because look at me, but they just hired this very thorough nurse. I was already shirtless, of course, but she asked me to take off everything else, including my neck bolt choker, which I haven’t removed since the great Misfits split of ‘83. Then all hell breaks loose with this ghastly protrusion that’s been hiding under my neckpiece for god knows how long. I’m just relieved it was just another ab muscle. It’s the third one that’s sprouted up this month.”

Dr. Kip Villalobos with Turnpike Dermatology weighed in on the Misfits’ guitarist’s situation.

“I’ve been in the skin biz a long time. I’ve seen goiters the size of kettlebells. Siamese vestigial tails. Birthmarks that resemble Frank Stallone. But Doyle’s neck was a real head-scratcher,” said Dr. Villalobos while lancing a boil. “Was it a cyst? A tumor? An allergic reaction to Doyle’s Vegan Monster Chawklit Protein Powder? Once I chiseled through 58 years of body paint, the biopsy revealed the bump to be, of all things, another goddamn ab. I know this guy is more jacked than a hornet on trucker speed, but seriously, he’s the only patient I’ve ever recommended to exercise less to improve their health.”

Part-time strength coach and two-time Mr. New Jersey runner-up Cam Handy was more excited than worried by the bulge.

“Neck abs? You mean ‘Nabs,’ bro?! Uncommon but not unheard of,” claimed Handy. “When you’re six feet, three inches and 225 pounds of Grade A, plant-based beefsteak like Doyle, and you put in the fuckin’ work, you see gains in places most people don’t. Not to get all scientific, but D-Wolf’s torso is so swole, there was simply no more room for his newest ab-sterpiece. Sure, he looks like a python that swallowed a toddler, but you have to remember that Arnold Schwarzenegger once developed bicep muscles on top of his biceps. Doyle ain’t shit.”

After numerous conflicting second opinions, Doyle consulted WebMD, which confirmed that due to the bulge’s exact placement, it’s not in fact an ab but “a really, really, really jacked Adam’s apple.”