Ranking the 30 Coolest Things I Found in My Beard This Week

Posted on by Tyler Driver

Having a big, beautiful, majestic beard like I do isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. It can be a burden. Babies pull on it. Rodents burrow inside of it. It gets sticky when I eat ice cream, and I’ll be perfectly honest — I’ve coughed up a few hairballs today.

But this fuzzy bundle of sex appeal on my face comes with one huge perk that makes owning one all worthwhile. It acts as a hands-free butterfly net of sorts. Capturing random trinkets, treasures, and wonders of the universe I may have otherwise missed out on.

Every Sunday night I comb my beard out and you would not believe all of the dope stuff I find! Since I consider myself an expert on things both beard-related and cool, I felt compelled to rank my 30 favorite findings from this week.

30. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Dust

I thought the spicy, cheesy aroma emanating from my beard this week was due to all of the ass I’ve been eating. Turns out there was a tiny splotch of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Dust tucked under my mustache! This was a tasty surprise but it’s not much food when you compare it to a hearty tossed salad. Sorry Chester Cheetah. I have to rank this dead last.

29. $3.82

Money is always cool, but the economy is a smoldering dumpster fire and a few bucks won’t get me very far. Plus it’s mostly pennies, so now I have to choose between rolling these coins up for my bank or getting fucked over by Coinstar fees. Wonderful.

28. Gross Old Facemask

I may need to comb my beard more thoroughly because I haven’t worn this mask since the beginning of COVID. Yeah, yeah, I know I should be wearing one when I’m sick. But waterboarding myself with my own snot and beard hair kinda sucks. Still, this is a cool little memento. A tangible reminder that I survived another global crisis and remain unkillable.

27. Mood Ring

I always wanted one of these things growing up. But after wearing it all week I can safely say mood rings are a piece of junk. Why? Because according to this ring I’ve been teetering between nervous and horny all week. That’s a lie. I have one mood. And it’s a rude, crude mood.

26. My Chin

While brushing out my beard I caught a glimpse of my very own chin. It was nice seeing that little guy, but he knows damn well why he rarely sees the light of day. He’s weak, he’s puny, and he disgusts me. I told him goodbye forever and this time I mean it.

25. Several Guitar Picks

Why do these things always disappear? Once you put ‘em down they’re impossible to find. If you’re bearded like me though, I highly recommend checking your facial hair. That’s where they wind up 90% of the time. Good thing too! Because I can’t shred without a pick. I’ll do just about anything to become a rock star but callused fingers are where I draw the line.

24. Beard Dye Applicator Brush

Uh… I have no idea how this got here. This brush is NOT mine, because I do NOT dye my beard. I have ZERO gray hairs and anyone who tells you otherwise is a dirty liar. I’m going to keep this because it’s a nice brush and NOT because I’ll dye my beard with it. Capiche?

23. My Beloved Pet Bird

My missing budgie ParaKeeth Morris has been found in my beard and he is alive and well. I’m used to him flying off and doing his own thing, but I thought he might be gone for good this time. I’m thrilled he’s okay but now I have to buy more bird food. This is a mixed bag.

22. Butterfly Knife

The beautiful thing about a butterfly knife is that you almost never have to actually stab someone with it. Any criminal dumb enough to attack a badass twirling this thing will get what’s coming to them. As soon as I figure out how to open it without cutting myself I’ll get around to the badass twirling part.

21. Prince Rupert’s Drop

Too cool! No matter how many times I smash the big end with a hammer it doesn’t break! I watched a long YouTube video that explains how this scientific miracle is possible, but honestly I’d prefer a tutorial on how to finagle this bad boy into a pipe.

20. Lunchables

People say these things are unhealthy but I’ve been eating them for 35 years and I’m still alive. This unfortunately is the inferior ham and American cracker stackers variety. If this was the pizza & treatza kind where you get to slather chocolate sauce and M&M’s on a pizza crust? This would have easily been top 10. Oh well.

19. Aviator Sunglasses

We all know sunglasses are cool. Tom Cruise taught us that in “Top Gun.” But sunglasses look extra cool on a guy with a big beard. When people can’t see the lower half of your face or your eyes, you become a stoic man of mystery. Throw in a big hat and everyone thinks you’re the guy from ZZ Top. What’s not to love?

18. Fushigi

To the untrained eye this might just look like an acrylic contact juggling ball. Well this is way different. This is Fushigi. It’s magic. It’s intimate. It defies gravity. This isn’t just cool, it’s a lifestyle. So why isn’t this higher up on the list? Because I dropped it on my foot and this thing weighs like 10 pounds for some reason. I’m in so much pain.

17. Trippy Black Light Poster From Spencer’s Gifts

Without a doubt, Spencer’s is the go-to place for all things that are cool and classy. And this black light poster of a forest full of mushrooms will be a delightfully trippy addition to my room. I’ve decided I’ll hang it up right next to my beaded curtain and directly across from my tie-dye water bed. Goddamn I’m cool.

16. Tech Decks

For an aging cool person like myself, tech decks are a lifesaver. The harsh reality I face is that I can no longer shred without fear of shattering both kneecaps. A tiny finger skateboard is the only realistic option I have left. These things are fucking rad though, and I’d like to think everyone at the skate park thinks I’m rad too when I crawl alongside them doing finger ollies.

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Book Club Unaware How Close They Are to Becoming Full Blown Orgy

Posted on by Mike Civins

CRANFORD, N.J. — The members of a Union County book club awoke this morning with no idea that every moment of last night’s meetup almost led to a depraved orgy of biblical proportions, local sources confirmed.

“Honestly, I had no idea,” claimed book club participant and self-proclaimed bibliophile Stan Jankowitz. “I guess you could argue there were a few questionable moments, like the subtly sensuous manner in which Christine DeGreiza’s tongue grazed the contours of each canapé before letting each morsel fall into her mouth or when everyone was stroking their hardcover copies of ‘The Seven Husbands’ of Evelyn Hugo. Sure, the erotic act caused the men of the group to grow harder and harder as they tried to subdue their natural instinct, and the other women of the group got so wet that it raised the humidity percentage in the room, but it was all standard stuff.”

Book club organizer Alaina Ferraro-Duke denied any sexual overtures and stated that the most recent gathering of bookworms was no different than any other, lurid glances between Chuck Dreyfus and Alexandra Tibbs notwithstanding.

“Sure, a suggestive double entendre here, a ribald pun there, but to say that a group of longtime acquaintances who all share a love of the written word were mere heartbeats away from tearing off their clothes and giving in to their carnal lusts like it was a bathhouse of ancient Rome is ludicrous,” explained Ferraro-Duke. As flop sweat gradually pooled on her forehead, she added, “I mean, who hasn’t looked at a bowl of artichoke dip surrounded by Tostitos Scoops Tortilla Chips and thought it was like looking at your lover’s genitals while they squatted over a hotel mirror?”

According to those operating in underground circles, book clubs are hardly the chaste sanctuaries most people think. These small intimate gatherings are voraciously sought by intrepid sexual adventurers like Alvin “Boogie” Nussbaum, a seasoned hedonist and aficionado of the erotic arts.

“Dig it, baby, these humps want you to think they’re all vanilla ice cream swimming in Dockers khakis, but the real freaks know that hardcover leads to hard-ons and paperback leads to bareback. A festival of flesh is always just waiting in the wings,” said Nussbaum while applying chapstick. “These bawdy bookworms are really doing some advanced ‘edging.’ It’s why every library smells a little bit off when you walk inside. They are palaces for arousal.”

At press time, these page pals were seen discussing next month’s book choice while holding back a playfully sinful enthusiasm and struggling not to use the word “cliterary.”

Opinion: I’m Not Having a “Manic Episode,” But I Have Written a Few New Books of the Bible in a New Language Only Dogs Can Read

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I have been utterly fantastic lately: my thoughts are rapid, my emotions are shifting back and forth at breakneck speeds and I feel all of them, and my nights are unencumbered by sleep. And while I’m undeniably doing awesome, some of my judgier loved ones have gone so far as to suggest I’m having a manic episode. But I know what’s really going on here. I have been made a prophet by the Lord our God. And I have written some new books of the Bible that I’m sure old Popey McPopeface would love if the Swiss guard would let me talk to him.

Now let me be clear: I have not written any new chapters in the life of Jesus. Like Paul before me, my contributions to The Book will be in the form of letters that I have written to various entities. Like The Book of Sean, about my neighbor who doesn’t sort his trash and recycling well enough. I wrote Sean a seven-page letter promising that he’s going to be struck by lightning if he keeps it up.

Or my letter to the Target on Hadencrest Road. The Book of Target details exactly why I feel that their return policy is unjust and cruel and the eight pages of suggestions for new corporate policy that I have written that I’m sure they will find very useful when it comes to how an employee defines “soiled” when someone wants their cash back.

I have also written a new Book of Revelation. This I have done over the past three nights at two in the morning, while my wife lies sleepless in our bedroom. In Revelation Part II: Electric Boogaloo I announce that the Lord revealed to me that the world will be destroyed in six weeks… when the ants come.

Now, I’d love to share this all with you, but in my compulsive quest for self-improvement and efficiency, I appear to have written the whole thing not in human language, but in a new dog language called Nik-Nak. The language of the hounds! I have been practicing on my neighbor Alice’s chihuahua and we have been able to hold a seven-minute-long conversation before Alice put a stop to it and tried to have me committed. But fear not. I will be releasing the updated Holy Book for all of you to read, as soon as I finish my Human to Dog dictionary so you all can read it.

Hardcore Band Reunion Show Ruined After Singer Loses His Breath 20 Seconds Into First Song

Posted on by Trevor Graham

PHILADELPHIA — Hardcore band X Conviction Of Truth X had their first reunion show in over fifteen years ruined after their singer lost his breath twenty seconds into the first song, sources who wished they’d just stayed home and fallen asleep on the couch at 9:30 confirmed.

“I was super pumped to play this show and went balls out on our first song ‘Deceptionocracy’ but before I knew it I couldn’t get the words out at all,” said vocalist Troy Billings. “When we played our last show I was twenty-three years old but now I’m almost forty. Is there something that happens to you when you get older and you sit at a desk job all day and you make no attempt to exercise that makes it so you can’t… sorry, I’m still catching my breath.”

Showgoers noticed the trouble Billings was having on stage and some even rushed in to help singalong but suffered the same shortness of breath.

“Once I saw Troy was only able to speak some of the lyrics to the first song I thought I should jump up on stage for big gang vocal breakdown part where it goes ‘Your system is a LIE!’ but by the time I got up there my heart was beating fast and my legs felt shaky and it just came out like ‘yerrshishtemizzaluh’,” said Kyle Willard, 42. “I played it off pretty cool though and just stood on the side of the stage pretending to singalong while I caught my breath. I was on the verge of passing out, but thankfully the band took about seven minutes to start the next song and I was able to chug some water and find a chair.”

Dan Smith, who books most of the local hardcore shows under the name “HATE FUCK LIFE”, says this has become a common problem when he books reunion shows for older bands.

“I see this all the time with bands that haven’t played since the early 2000s. Everyone runs out of steam quick and by the fourth or fifth song both the bands and the crowd look like they’re all at Death’s door,” said Smith. “I think for the next reunion show I book I’m just going to have each band play one song and be done with it. That way everyone can still say they saw their favorite band from when they were young, post the one good ten seconds of the show to Instagram, and we can all go home at a reasonable hour.”

At press time, X Conviction Of Truth X announced they were working on a new album but that practice hasn’t been going well since they mostly just sit around looking at their phones.

Every Leprechaun Movie Ranked by Historical Accuracy

Posted on by Dan Rice

Biopics are a tricky business. It’s a difficult task to summarize anyone’s life in a single film, especially when the subject is someone prolific and culturally important. In the interest of cinematic contrivance, there is a strong tendency to mix facts, omit important details, and overall print the legend over the reality. Case in point, the Leprechaun franchise.

Since today is St. Patrick’s Day we feel like it’s the perfect time to enrich your cultural education by revisiting the films that depict the life of Ireland’s most significant export, the Leprechaun. But of the 8 films that have endeavored to tell the tale of this wise-cracking limerick-loving murderous gold miser, which does the best job at separating fact from fiction?

We’ve revisited all of the Leprechaun movies in preparation for the holiday, and ranked them by which one does the best job of separating the little man from the big myths that surround him:

8. Leprechaun Origins (2014)

The phrase “I expect better from WWE Studios” sounds inherently stupid until you watch this garbage. Whoever wrote this thing (we won’t even dignify them with a check on IMDB,) has clearly never seen a Leprechaun movie or maybe even heard of the mythological creature. If you’ve ever watched the Boston Celtics on television you have officially done more research than the writer of “Leprechaun: Origins.” The Leprechaun is not a naked Golem with sharper teeth, he doesn’t have Predator vision, he is not mute, and he doesn’t kill people just for having gold on their person. He’s from Ireland. They got that right. That’s about it.

7. Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003)

2003 just wasn’t a good year for, well, anything. Not even historically accurate to the first “Leprechaun in the Hood” movie. This is basically a made-for-cable melodrama morality play with the Leprechaun sort of sprinkled in. It does get a few things right. According to lore, Leprechauns do bleed tiny CGI yellow bubbles. Leprechauns and psychics are fierce adversaries. You can make a lot of money selling just weed at basketball courts, like enough to warrant armed security. Outside of that, wildly inaccurate.

6. Leprechaun Returns (2018)

Though ignoring the events of “Leprechaun 2” through “Leprechaun in the Hood,” which scholars now maintain to be mostly accurate, this movie makes an earnest attempt to capture the spirit of the real-life Leprechaun. Despite the absence of noted Leprechaun reenactor Warwick Davis, it’s quite possibly the most historically accurate Sci-Fi Original Movie since “Swamp Shark,” and we do not say that lightly.

5. Leprechaun (1993)

The first attempt to bring the story of the Leprechaun to the big screen was a bit uneven, but there’s a lot they got right. The Leprechaun really did spend ten years trapped in a wooden box, though it was oak, not cedar as shown in the film. The Leprechaun’s penchant for quickly assembling little murder gocarts comes directly from Celtic folklore, and he is indeed a foot fetishist. Scholars now believe there really was a Jennifer Aniston, though speculate that she could act better than what we see in the film.

4. Leprechaun 2 (1994)

The sequel showcases a far more accurate depiction of Ireland’s favorite murderous imp than its predecessor. It reflects our modern understanding that the Leprechaun’s magic can pretty much do anything as long as it’s funny and/or bloody, provided that it keeps the plot moving. His gocart-building abilities, which were depicted as rudimentary in the first film, are more accurately shown to be advanced. There are flame decals, skull adornments over the headlights, and even a little crossed-out clover on the hood.

3. Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

In this ambitious straight-to-video offering, filmmaker Rob Spera attempts to answer the burning question “Where do the origins of LA gangster rap and the mythos of the Leprechaun intersect?” The result is one of the most true-to-life depictions of both subjects ever captured on film. The golden flute Ice-T used to make “Cop Killer” a hit is featured prominently, as is the Leprechaun’s penchant for cannabis and fly girls. Though a controversial view at the time, modern biblical scholars are now, for the most part, in consensus that Jesus’s disciples were indeed some bad mofos’. There really was a Coolio, and from time to time he would just randomly show up places and not say anything.

2. Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996)

How can a film set in the future be historically accurate? When it perfectly extrapolates our modern culture and predicts things that are sure to pass. Everything about our modern times, our environmental crisis, our global political conflict, and our dwindling resources, all of it brings us closer and closer to Leprechaun in space every day. If we don’t act now, eventually we will all be space marines like in “Aliens,” except our spaceships will be crude CGI and below escape room quality sets. If we can’t find a way to heal the divide in our own country, how will we prevent the Leprechaun from abducting and marrying a space princess who takes her top off for no reason?

1. Leprechaun 3 (1995)

The Leprechaun has had a long and storied life, and encapsulating it fully into a single 90-minute film just isn’t possible. When covering a subject so prolific, sometimes it’s best to focus on a single period of their lives rather than the whole picture, and that’s exactly what the makers of “Leprechaun 3” did. The film focuses exclusively on the Leprechaun’s infamous Vegas period. It’s all here. His competitive friendship with Elvis, his proclivity for making asses so big they explode, his tendency to get drunk and turn other people into leprechauns by biting them, this unflinching portrait pulls no punches. Even the set design is period perfect, right down to the 1st gen desktop computers that came loaded with animated slideshows about leprechauns and how to destroy them.

Mike Pence’s Condemnation of Trump Sways Nearly Two Voters Nationwide

Posted on by Alex Bradley

WASHINGTON — Early reports show that as many as one vote could possibly change after Mike Pence announced Friday that he will not be endorsing Trump in the 2024 election, sources confirmed.

“I’m just a huge Mike Pence fan like everyone else,” said Simon Imonson, currently the only known voter considering Pence’s opinion. “I was thinking of voting for Trump, but I knew I couldn’t do that without Big Mike’s endorsement. But he also refused to endorse Biden, which puts me in a tough spot. Now I’m really on the fence about whether I should stay on the fence. But maybe I’m starting to lean towards leaning towards something. I’ll let you know who I’ll write in.”

Former candidate Mike Pence explained why he was hesitant to announce his non-endorsement of Trump.

“I had to contemplate it deeply, because I know the immense power my words hold as such an influential and beloved public figure,” said Pence while trying to forget the time that Trump’s supporters suggested he be hanged. “There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with being a former… Sorry, what was I again? Vice president. Right. Regardless, I thought long and hard and got a lot of extra security before telling the handful of people who care that I won’t endorse him.”

Political scientist Ellen Acosta explained that the power of Mike Pence’s endorsement is known colloquially as the “Pence Effect.”

“It’s very difficult to predict modern elections before we know who Mike Pence will endorse,” said Acosta. “Once he announces who he’s endorsing, the Pence Effect takes hold, and it could flip zero, one, or even two votes. Before his announcement, it’s completely impossible to know how those zero to two voters will vote. Now it’s all up in the air. We’re going to be watching these two gentlemen in Indiana very closely.”

New reports however suggest that Imonson was actually getting the former Vice President confused with comedian Mike Epps, who he found funny in the critically panned 2016 remake of “Uncle Buck.”

We Sit Down with the One Guy Whose Student Loans Were Canceled by Biden

Posted on by Ben Friedman

President Biden’s SAVE plan, his audacious agenda to cancel student loans for millions of Americans, was immediately embraced by the public when it was revealed in 2022. The President’s administration recently announced it will hand out $1.2 billion to wipe out Federal education loans starting this year, specifically paying it out entirely to Jackson Lemming of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. The Hard Times was fortunate enough to sit down with him and talk about being the recipient of this historic windfall.

Hard Times: Jackson, you’re the envy of the nation. How did you take the news of your loans being forgiven?

Jackson Lemming: I didn’t believe it at first. Apparently they had sent me a certified letter, but looked exactly like a bill so it immediately went into the trash. They ended up having to send some G-Men to my house to tell me the loans were forgiven like I’d won the Publishers Clearing House prize.

HT: That must’ve been quite a shock, given how improbable this must’ve been when you graduated. It’s been well documented the Fed always comes guns blazing at anyone making less than $50,000 a year.

JL: Fuck me for growing up middle class, right? But yeah, I thought I’d be raking in cash with a B.A. and an M.A. in engineering, but after I graduated the only jobs I could find paid $14 an hour. And those were the ones that required a Master’s degree. I was barely a week into working at my local Sonic before the bills started showing up.

HT: Wait, $14 an hour? And just to clarify, engineers are the people who design bridges and stuff right? So then how much did you have to borrow?

JL: Around $80,000 initially, but then there were the two unpaid internships, post-graduate school, and springing for the nicer on-campus apartments that didn’t have black mold. I think it came out to roughly $150k in change. But that my loan has been forgiven I can finally cut down to only selling my plasma to twice a month!

HT: Jesus man, what the fuck!

JL: Right? When Biden announced the SAVE plan I applied immediately, but with all the pushback and legal battles I thought it would be a bust. I had almost made peace with only having $43 in my bank account when I got the news. I just hope that at this rate it can help at least seven or eight more people. It makes the most sense economically.

HT: Well with this financial burden lifted, how are you going to spend your free money?

JL: At this point since I’ve been priced out of owning a home and likely won’t retire, I’ll probably just buy myself a little treat and then start chipping away at my SallieMae loans. I borrowed $2,000 for books and somehow I now owe them $90,000. But who knows, maybe they’ll get bailed out again and let everyone off the hook – damn, I’m sorry. Now I just sound crazy.

Georgia Passes Law Criminalizing Giving Water to People Waiting in Merch Lines

Posted on by Tim Graham

ATLANTA — Georgia’s governor has signed a bill prohibiting the act of offering water to thirsty audience members queuing in long merch lines, bewildered legal experts confirmed.

“This is a boon for venue owners,” said Phil Stubbs, proprietor of The Vexed Crab nightclub. “All those people in line ain’t drinking, so we ain’t earning. Usually someone will wait in line and their friend will bring them some water. We stopped giving out free water at the bar a long time ago, but these skinflints will just fill a cup in the bathroom sink. All these lousy water drinkers really cut into our bar take. This law means those cheapskates will have to bring their friend at least a $8 PBR tallboy instead. People like beer more than water, anyway, so this is a win-win situation.”

Concert-goers who fought against the law’s passage are disappointed that the state has once again sided with powerful special interests over the consumer.

“Last summer I went to an outdoor festival that was apparently testing the practices that have now become law,” said Miranda Speight, 26. “My friend and I wanted to grab some t-shirts. After standing in line in the hot sun for half an hour, she finally went to get us water. But when she got back, a security guard knocked the cups out of her hands and demanded she go back and get beers, or at least hard seltzers. I wound up in the emergency room from dehydration that day. I never did get that goddamned shirt.”

ACLU spokesman Andrew Gruber argues that the new law is unconstitutional and should be repealed.

“With the Citizens United ruling, the Supreme Court decided that political donations from corporations were protected as free speech,” said Gruber. “The same logic should apply here. In fact, the Georgia law was passed under the disingenuous premise that a bad actor could influence which band’s merch someone will buy if they’re given water. But anyone can see it’s just a cash-grab by the venues to increase thirst in an effort to sell more beer. Especially since there is no rule in place prohibiting offering beer, liquor or even a basket of curly fries to people.”

At press time, a local concert attendee was released after having been wrongfully apprehended for giving what turned out to be a $22 vodka on the rocks—not water—to a friend.

Six Songs We’re Listening To That Have Nothing to do With Being Irish or From Boston

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well, well, well. It’s been another eventful week for everyone but you. While you’ve been mindlessly scrolling on your phone and working a permanent you-sized groove into your couch, a plethora of new songs have emerged. If you could have been bothered to care, you might have even enjoyed a few of them.

Because we can’t stand to watch your sad demise for even a moment longer, we’ve saved a few of the aforementioned songs for you. Open your eyes to the possibilities of wonder as we take you through some notable new releases.

NOFX “I’m a Rat”

NOFX is currently wrapping up their final string of live shows, but seemingly there are no plans for the band to quit releasing new music. They’ve just announced their latest EP ‘Half Album,’ a continuation of and conclusion to their previous records ‘Single Album’ and ‘Double Album.’ The first single, ‘I’m a Rat,’ apparently contains 54 chords – no, we didn’t count but we’ll take NOFX’s word for it – and continues the lyrical themes of Fat Mike’s most recent journey into sobriety, complete with a metaphor comparing substance abuse to a rat’s cheese addiction. Some things never change.

Strung Out “White Owls”

Pop a couple ibuprofen and pull your old deck out of storage, because Strung Out’s latest single, ‘White Owls,’ sounds like it descended straight from Skate Heaven. Its thrashy riffs and classic melodic hooks make us long for the days when our knees didn’t make that weird popping noise all the time. Aging joints haven’t stopped everyone from going hard on this one, though. One of our senior staffers got so excited when this one dropped that he tried to do a kickflip in the parking lot. He landed it, but ended up breaking his shin in five places. Maybe get a brace if you’re planning on doing more than cruising to this one would be our suggestion.

Stretch Arm Strong “A Revealing”

One of our writers threatened to spin-kick us out of a fourth story window if we didn’t include their favorite track from Stretch Arm Strong’s new EP in the column this week. We were gonna do it anyway, but the enthusiasm wasn’t unwarranted. The South Carolina hardcore heroes’ latest release, ‘The Revealing,’ is their first in nearly two decades. The void left in their absence was so large that, fully absorbed in the abyss, we almost forgot it was there. Thankfully the lights have been turned back on and no one in our office will have to suffer through mediocre hardcore again, or at least until the band inevitably goes on hiatus again.

Hot Water Music “Remnants (Feat. Brendan Yates and Daniel Fang of Turnstile)” “Fences (Feat. Thrice)”

Hot Water Music’s forthcoming album, ‘Vows,’ is slated to be a star-studded event, with guest appearances from seemingly every goddamn band you’ve ever heard of. The bill is so stacked, we’re honestly surprised your hardcore band that broke up six years ago wasn’t asked to hop in. Your old merch guy also ran the band’s e-mail, so it’s possible he just never forwarded the invite. The latest singles ‘Remnants’ and ‘Fences’ feature Brendan Yates and Daniel Fang from Turnstile, and all four members of Thrice respectively. As the old adage goes: It’s not really a party until almost half of Turnstile and all of Thrice show up.

Otoboke Beaver “Don’t Light My Fire”

Our Managing Editor came into the office on Friday with her entire face bandaged up like the Invisible Man. Normally we would think nothing of this blatant attention grabber, but there was actually a little bit of blood under some of the bandages. Needless to say, we figured something was amiss. Turns out she had seen the criminally underrated Japanese punk legends Otoboke Beaver the night before who literally and figuratively ‘ripped her face off’ at some point during their raucous set. Before we could ask more, she threatened to show us the mangled carnage if we didn’t get back to work.

Too lazy to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you finally have good taste.

Finance: How Much You Should Have Saved by the Time the Grocery Store Is Playing Your Favorite Music From High School

Posted on by Kimberly Scott

Time flies. One minute you’re young and invincible with your whole life ahead, and the next you find yourself thinking “wow, what a banger” while comparing fiber content between cereals in the breakfast aisle of a Ralph’s in the deep suburbs.

If you braved downloading music from Limewire to get your hands on songs that are now played at the grocery store, hearing Bowling For Soup’s “1985” come on might feel like a personal attack.

Truly maturing, however, is realizing that the Debbie your friend in Bowling for Soup sang about has a lifestyle that is aspirational by today’s standards. She never had it all, but at least she can afford healthcare, raising two children, a reliable vehicle, and a nice house in a decent neighborhood… not bad for a plan B, honestly. Unfortunately financial security (even just for retirement and emergencies) is going to take more than abandoning your dreams to become an actress, nowadays.

Not sure where to begin? Here are a couple of guidelines for when you start loading your cart to music you danced to at prom.

Build Your Emergency Fund

You may think you grew out of living life on the edge, but in reality you’re pushing the limit more than ever by aging in a country that places your healthcare in the hands of soulless insurance companies. If you can swing it, you should always keep four to six weeks of living expenses ready at hand.

Save For Retirement

Generally it’s recommended you have about three times your annual salary put aside for retirement by the time your grocery store plays your high school jams more than anything else. Hopefully when you first notice this transition starting you will have some amount of savings already, but if you’re a bit behind- don’t panic. The process lasts years, it’s likely you can still catch up without doing anything drastic.

You will know it’s complete when the emotionally charged songs nearest to your heart are treated with complete irreverence. If you want an idea of what that’s like just ask your parents how it felt hearing “Comfortably Numb” get intermittently shat on by PA announcements asking for assistance in the deli or clean up on aisle 12 for the first time.

Once that starts happening, you will be glad to hear the next wave of teenage anthems take over. These goals might seem overwhelming, but the best thing to do is simply get started.

Until you hear instrumental versions of your music in the elevator, you have time.