Having a big, beautiful, majestic beard like I do isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. It can be a burden. Babies pull on it. Rodents burrow inside of it. It gets sticky when I eat ice cream, and I’ll be perfectly honest — I’ve coughed up a few hairballs today.
But this fuzzy bundle of sex appeal on my face comes with one huge perk that makes owning one all worthwhile. It acts as a hands-free butterfly net of sorts. Capturing random trinkets, treasures, and wonders of the universe I may have otherwise missed out on.
Every Sunday night I comb my beard out and you would not believe all of the dope stuff I find! Since I consider myself an expert on things both beard-related and cool, I felt compelled to rank my 30 favorite findings from this week.
30. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Dust
I thought the spicy, cheesy aroma emanating from my beard this week was due to all of the ass I’ve been eating. Turns out there was a tiny splotch of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Dust tucked under my mustache! This was a tasty surprise but it’s not much food when you compare it to a hearty tossed salad. Sorry Chester Cheetah. I have to rank this dead last.
29. $3.82
Money is always cool, but the economy is a smoldering dumpster fire and a few bucks won’t get me very far. Plus it’s mostly pennies, so now I have to choose between rolling these coins up for my bank or getting fucked over by Coinstar fees. Wonderful.
28. Gross Old Facemask
I may need to comb my beard more thoroughly because I haven’t worn this mask since the beginning of COVID. Yeah, yeah, I know I should be wearing one when I’m sick. But waterboarding myself with my own snot and beard hair kinda sucks. Still, this is a cool little memento. A tangible reminder that I survived another global crisis and remain unkillable.
27. Mood Ring
I always wanted one of these things growing up. But after wearing it all week I can safely say mood rings are a piece of junk. Why? Because according to this ring I’ve been teetering between nervous and horny all week. That’s a lie. I have one mood. And it’s a rude, crude mood.
26. My Chin
While brushing out my beard I caught a glimpse of my very own chin. It was nice seeing that little guy, but he knows damn well why he rarely sees the light of day. He’s weak, he’s puny, and he disgusts me. I told him goodbye forever and this time I mean it.
25. Several Guitar Picks
Why do these things always disappear? Once you put ‘em down they’re impossible to find. If you’re bearded like me though, I highly recommend checking your facial hair. That’s where they wind up 90% of the time. Good thing too! Because I can’t shred without a pick. I’ll do just about anything to become a rock star but callused fingers are where I draw the line.
24. Beard Dye Applicator Brush
Uh… I have no idea how this got here. This brush is NOT mine, because I do NOT dye my beard. I have ZERO gray hairs and anyone who tells you otherwise is a dirty liar. I’m going to keep this because it’s a nice brush and NOT because I’ll dye my beard with it. Capiche?
23. My Beloved Pet Bird
My missing budgie ParaKeeth Morris has been found in my beard and he is alive and well. I’m used to him flying off and doing his own thing, but I thought he might be gone for good this time. I’m thrilled he’s okay but now I have to buy more bird food. This is a mixed bag.
22. Butterfly Knife
The beautiful thing about a butterfly knife is that you almost never have to actually stab someone with it. Any criminal dumb enough to attack a badass twirling this thing will get what’s coming to them. As soon as I figure out how to open it without cutting myself I’ll get around to the badass twirling part.
21. Prince Rupert’s Drop
Too cool! No matter how many times I smash the big end with a hammer it doesn’t break! I watched a long YouTube video that explains how this scientific miracle is possible, but honestly I’d prefer a tutorial on how to finagle this bad boy into a pipe.
20. Lunchables
People say these things are unhealthy but I’ve been eating them for 35 years and I’m still alive. This unfortunately is the inferior ham and American cracker stackers variety. If this was the pizza & treatza kind where you get to slather chocolate sauce and M&M’s on a pizza crust? This would have easily been top 10. Oh well.
19. Aviator Sunglasses
We all know sunglasses are cool. Tom Cruise taught us that in “Top Gun.” But sunglasses look extra cool on a guy with a big beard. When people can’t see the lower half of your face or your eyes, you become a stoic man of mystery. Throw in a big hat and everyone thinks you’re the guy from ZZ Top. What’s not to love?
18. Fushigi
To the untrained eye this might just look like an acrylic contact juggling ball. Well this is way different. This is Fushigi. It’s magic. It’s intimate. It defies gravity. This isn’t just cool, it’s a lifestyle. So why isn’t this higher up on the list? Because I dropped it on my foot and this thing weighs like 10 pounds for some reason. I’m in so much pain.
17. Trippy Black Light Poster From Spencer’s Gifts
Without a doubt, Spencer’s is the go-to place for all things that are cool and classy. And this black light poster of a forest full of mushrooms will be a delightfully trippy addition to my room. I’ve decided I’ll hang it up right next to my beaded curtain and directly across from my tie-dye water bed. Goddamn I’m cool.
16. Tech Decks
For an aging cool person like myself, tech decks are a lifesaver. The harsh reality I face is that I can no longer shred without fear of shattering both kneecaps. A tiny finger skateboard is the only realistic option I have left. These things are fucking rad though, and I’d like to think everyone at the skate park thinks I’m rad too when I crawl alongside them doing finger ollies.
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