Robert Atkinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Punk Hides Tattoos at Work Simply by Always Carrying a Large Fern

Posted on May 1, 2022 by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk and office employee Devon Smith successfully hid his tattoos at work by carrying around a huge Boston fern everywhere he goes for the 112th consecutive week, according to confused sources.

“I finally sold out, and now I’m working at an office. Unfortunately, it’s not a bitcoin company or anything cool, so I’ve got to hide my tattoos just to be taken seriously,” Smith stated. “Most people think the only way to do that is to wear long sleeves constantly, but that’s a rookie move. That’s why my first day I walked in with a Boston fern and never looked back. Its graceful long fronds and supple pinnate vein patterns perfectly obscure my neck piece, plus, carrying this giant ass pot around really helped me tone up my core, which is super important if you’re sitting at a desk all day.”

Coworkers are generally supportive of Smith’s decision, once they understand it.

“I never knew why he did it, but I guess that makes sense,” said Susan Thomas, a coworker. “I know some people thought it was an anti-mask thing, or maybe the plant was like, for oxygen or something. I don’t actually know how plants work to make air better. Anyway, he’s been here over two years and no one has really seen his face, so we’ve mostly just all been debating whether he’s hot or not. I’m guessing yes based on forearm definition, but who the fuck knows.”

The fern itself seems to be enjoying the arrangement.

“I’m just happy to get out of [Dev’s] apartment. I’m the only plant there and it’s lonely. Here at the office, there’s me, a few Spider Plants, and this guy Mark who hardly moves,” the fern stated. “Plus, I’m learning so much about the international and regional market for water-resistant patio furniture, which might be useful if I’m ever looking for a different line of work. You never know. I feel like twice the fern I used to be.”

As of press time, Smith’s supervisor could not be reached for comment and was reportedly ‘out of the office’, though a particularly lush, five-foot-eight Fiddle Leaf Fig with hands was seen leaving the building early.

To Be Clear, My Wife And I Are Seeking An ACTUAL HORSE, With An ACTUAL MAGICAL HORN, For Sex

Posted on May 1, 2022 by Dan Rice

Okay, listen up you dirty piggies, because my wife and I are tired of all the messages we’ve been getting from all of you DUDES. YES, we are an open, polyamorous couple, YES, we are seeking a unicorn, and to be perfectly, 100% CRYSTAL CLEAR by UNICORN we mean an equestrian beast with a magical horn on its head willing to fuck BOTH OF US!

STOP hitting us up if you’re a single guy. STOP hitting us up if you’re a couple looking to “swap.” STOP hitting us up if you are a regular-ass horse. We are VERY SPECIFIC about what we want in a partner and we have HIGH STANDARDS!

We’re not looking to kink shame anyone, but we like what we like! When I was very young I liked to read fantasy novels, and the first time I saw an illustration of a unicorn in all its majesty, I knew that I just had to fuck one. My partner has a similar origin, and we are trying to live our best life TOGETHER. Respect that, or FUCK OFF!

Our hunt has been very fruitless and frustrating so far. Even after sifting through the COUNTLESS messages from people who can’t be BOTHERED to read our profile and chatting with hot magical unicorns in our area they always wind up saying they only want to fuck her and that I can “maybe watch.” Sorry, Pegatrix The Majestic, WE DON”T SWING THAT WAY!

It doesn’t matter how snow white your coat is, what sort of magic you can do with your horn or what kingdom you used to rule before a dark wizard turned you into a horn horse, WE’RE A PACKAGE DEAL!

So, if you’re a magic unicorn who is open to playing with a couple and HONEST, please hit us up. We are open to all unicorn body types, races, and colors. One last note, if you are a unicorn with wings, sorry friend, that’s a Pegasus, MISS US with that shit! We’re NOT PREJUDICE, we just don’t find wings sexually attractive, and that’s FINE.

Opening Band Never Ignored by Crowd This Huge Before

Posted on May 1, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Post-hardcore band Jaw Law reached a personal and professional milestone after being almost completely disregarded by the largest crowd they’ve ever played for while opening for Turnstile, according to sources.

“Not gonna lie, it’s been a pretty bumpy road,” Jaw Law guitarist Ethan Peters said. “There had been so many nights of playing empty shows, we weren’t sure if it was worth continuing. But when I looked at the crowd and saw all the people texting during our set, crowding around the merch table, and having loud conversations at the bar while we poured 100% of ourselves into our songs, I knew it had all been worth it.”

Playing to such a large, uninterested audience also reportedly had an impact on the band’s stage presence during their 45-minute performance.

“Usually, I’m not one for banter,” explained lead vocalist Derek Blaese. “But towards the end of the set, I took a moment to talk about how inspiring it was to be able to share our passion with so many people and how, if you truly want something, you have to go after it. We got some scattered applause for that. Honestly, this whole thing has just been an absolute rush.”

Brian Boyce, a Columbus-area bartender and former bassist for noise rock band Drastic said watching Jaw Law reminded him of his own experience playing for a massive, unmoved crowd for the first time.

“I’ll never forget opening for Melt-Banana in ‘02,” Boyce said. “Now, this was back before smartphones, but the lack of enthusiasm was still palpable. I’m pretty sure one guy was playing ‘Snake’ on his old Nokia phone. But we still played as though we were headlining Reading Fest and even got the email of a guy who said he had an in at Touch and Go Records. We never heard anything back, though.”

Next month, Jaw Law is slated to appear at the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival, where they’re expected to be ignored by tens of thousands of people trying to get a good spot for Japanese Breakfast.

We Ranked All 10 Members Of The Ramones

Posted on April 30, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

The Ramones were a seminal American punk band that lasted over 20 years with an ever rotating cast of members, some lineups being better than others.

10. Katie Ramone

Due to an administrative mixup, Ithaca resident Katie Ramone became the drummer of The Ramones for a short time. She called the experience the worst, most tumultuous three hours of her life.

9. CiCi Ramone

CiCi played guitar in the Ramones for their North American tour in 1985. It was said that during a gig at Bucknell University he saw how many college students were willing to eat garbage pizza as long as it was cheap. He left the band shortly after to open a chain of low-quality pizza buffets.

8. Randy Ramone

Randy was a Bay Area plumber who was accidentally locked in the bathroom of the Ramones tour bus for 33 hours while servicing the toilet. As part of the legal settlement, he was named an official member of the band as well as granted an undisclosed amount of money.

7. Ramone Ramone

This Spanish flamenco guitarist was utilized at a gig in Barcelona in 1993 when the current guitarist fell sick from eating too many Spicy Calamari Tapas. His fancy fingerwork and impressive chord knowledge got him labeled a showoff and he was promptly kicked out of the band.

6. Kitty Ramone

This stray cat is technically the longest active member of the Ramones by living in their practice space from his birth in an air duct to his death on a blanket in a kick drum 24 years later. He is immortalized by his slowly mummifying corpse being left in the kick drum to this very day.

5. Selfi Ramone

The name rights to the Ramones were sold to the Disney corporation in 2015 and a short-lived revival of the band occurred on a stage in Walt Disney World’s Epcot park. Selfi was a spunky millennial teen who loved her phone, her friends, and sticking it to “the man”.

4. Lenny and Squiggy Ramone

These two knuckleheads were part of the short lived sit-com spin off of Laverne & Shirley, Homegrown Ramone. The story focused on two wannabe punks that move to New York in an effort to join the Ramones but their farce-like antics always screw up their chances at success. The show only lasted 1 episode.

3. Joey Ramone

The band’s accountant, the name is purely a coincidence but he’s a wiz with numbers.

2. Timofey Ramone [Тимофей Рамон]

Before the Iron Curtain fell, there was a group of Russian punks that also called themselves The Ramones [Рамоунз] who just lip-synced to Ramones songs recorded off the radio transmitted from West Berlin. They disappeared after their name made the government believe they were part of the Romanov Family.

1. Chi-Chi Ramone

Known only to be kicked off RuPaul’s Drag Race within 45 seconds of being introduced; all footage of the episode was destroyed. Some say Chi-Chi still haunts the sewers under the studio where the show is filmed.

Punk Under Mistaken Impression He’s a Functioning Alcoholic

Posted on April 30, 2022 by Patrick Crooks

BOSTON — Friends and relatives of local punk, Brian Gibbs, were astonished to learn that the known raging drunk considers himself to be “a functioning alcoholic,” equally shocked sources report.

“I’m pretty sure I can guess how ripped he was when he said that,” reacted longtime friend Adam Hall. “Like, maybe if we’re being really liberal with the term ‘functioning’ I guess he could be, but no, not even then. This is the fucking guy who has to have two Coors tallboys at his nephew’s little league game at 10:00 a.m. to ward off the shakes, and that’s before he’s even able to completely fuck up the day. That guy’s about as functioning as his liver probably is at this point. ”

Gibbs, however, contradicted Hall’s version of events.

“I’m not sure where he gets off acting all high and mighty. Just because he never pissed himself at his brother’s wedding or drove his Tercel into a funeral procession because he was tired, not drunk, and passed out behind the wheel doesn’t mean he’s better than me,” the dead-eyed drunk stated through a curtain while cracking his third beer in a five-minute shower. “Goddamn, everyone just needs to lay off me. I still go to work most of the time, and I only cancel plans because I get really bad headaches most of the time. Everyone needs to calm down.”

Addiction experts state that persons with substance abuse issues can create narratives that contradict reality.

“Mr. Gibbs is still struggling to get past a barrier to admit there’s a problem, but if that lush thinks he’s functioning I assume he must be suffering from some form of psychosis, or maybe just doesn’t understand what that word means,” stated Dr. Mary Hill of Blue Hills Recovery Center, who has conducted four court ordered assesments of Gibbs’ condition. “The first time I met him he reeked of cheap whiskey and asked if I could spot him $5 for a bottle of Mad Dog. Of course, this is before he puked on my shoes and said it was ‘something he ate.’ If his friends cared about him they’d get him in treatment. Or at the very least, a dictionary.”

At press time, Gibbs was slurring that he was going to kick Hall’s ass next time he sees him to the other winos waiting for the liquor store to open.

I’ll Start Supporting the Troops When They Start Coming to My Band’s Shows

Posted on April 30, 2022 by Patrick Crooks

All day long I hear people whining about supporting the troops. I can’t even go to an event like a Blue Angels airshow or a USO tour stop without being bombarded by military propaganda. Well, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll start supporting the troops when they support something of mine. Namely, coming to one of my band’s shows.

I’m not asking for much. I’m not asking for anyone to, I dunno, sign their life away to an institution built on false promises. I’m just asking for the troops to come support my music for one night. And yes, the term “music” and the drink specials on the flyer may count as false promises, but if anyone understands you mustn’t hate the player, but instead hate the game, it’s the United States military.

Hell, the first drink will be on me! I’m sure the bar will provide enough drink tickets for a battalion or two.

It’ll be cool. You guys come out and support me and then I’ll spend the rest of my life supporting you guys. I’ll take my hat off for the anthem. I’ll hang a sign in my yard. Hell, I’ll even learn how to fold a flag in that whacky way you guys do when one of you dies. Total respect over here. As long as you come to my show.

But I know you’ll never do that. The troops have never once deployed anywhere I wanted them to. I’ve spent most of my adult life protesting their actions. If I’m being honest, now that I think about it, it’s probably not their choice where they go or what they do. That’s kinda sad. I should write my congressperson and ask them to tell the troops to come to my show. That’s where real change happens.

Man Determined to Learn Favorite Song Unless it Requires Capo, Has Weird Fucking Tuning

Posted on April 30, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

TUCKER, Ga. — Local musician Mark Shepherd vowed to master his new favorite song on guitar so long as it’s not in some weird tuning, needs a capo, or some other “pretentious bullshit.”

“If I set my mind to something, I won’t rest until I accomplish it. That’s been true ever since I first started intermittently noodling aimlessly on guitar 20 years ago,” explained Shepherd with a fierce intensity in his eyes. “Assuming of course the song is in standard tuning, did not require a capo or whammy bar, didn’t use some goofy-ass picking method, or involved any kind of fruity, French bullshit like ‘staccatos’ or whatever you call it. This isn’t gonna be another ‘Everlong’ situation. I want to play guitar, not spend three hours pausing and starting YouTube tutorials.”

Coworker Toby Johnson recently learned about Shepherd’s lack of commitment during a recent jam session.

“Mark came over to play one day. The way he talked a big game at work, you’d think his shredding would have Herman Li pissing his leather trousers. But then the whole time Mark just butchered simple shit like ‘Iron Man’ and ‘Smoke on the Water.’ I thought he was fucking with me,” said Johnson. “Later I pulled out my capo and he started railing about my ‘overpriced gear.’ I tried explaining it cost like, five bucks and you could make your own with a pencil and rubber bands, but he wouldn’t hear it.”

Aspiring musician Alexa Villalobos sympathized with the novice guitarist.

“I definitely know the pain of trying to learn an instrument. I’ve been playing music for decades. Years spent crammed into a tiny van, getting paid next to nothing, sleeping on floors, and getting the shit kicked out of me by drunken townies because we didn’t play ‘Freebird,’” said Villalobos. “The point I’m trying to make is, it’s just not worth it. I kind of wish I didn’t put in the time and effort it took to learn to fingerpick and just did one of those UX designer courses instead.”

Despite not having any musical talent and zero songs written, Shepherd has maxed out his credit card buying studio time, insisting to friends that “you gotta fake it ‘til you make it.”

Feeling Too Burnt Out To Write Songs? Here’s The Same 5 Generic Tips From Every Self Help Article Repackaged Again

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Dan Rice

Are you struggling to come up with lyrics and melodies? Does a sense of dread fill your mind as you stare at the empty page? Is bong hit after bong hit of Skywalker OG Kush not getting the juices flowing, even though 60% of Leafly users said it was good for creativity? You may be suffering from creative burnout.

Just because writing songs is something you do in your downtime from your real job doesn’t mean you don’t need to recharge from time to time! To help you do that, here is the same basic-ass self help advice in every self care article slightly re-tooled through the lens of you, our musically interested demographic.

We hope this will be helpful, and know for an empirical fact that it will not be.

Drink water
You need water to survive, so you should drink some! Staying alive is a crucial part of the creative process, so you’re going to wanna do it. Already drinking enough water to sustain your vital organs? Drink MORE water! It will make you have to pee, but it also detoxifies your kidneys and shit. Plus who knows, maybe water will inspire you! TLC and Van Morrison both wrote a song about water, so why not you?

Sleep
Did you know that brain need sleep now or no more work good? It’s true! Brain need rest like body but with thinking, so shut eyes go night night now and wake up smart! If no good at sleepy try meditate or drug. Also dream journal, for song words!

Read books
Your brain needs words the way your body needs food, so if you want to promote creativity there’s no better solution than cracking open a book! Did you know that? Of course you did! You have essentially read this basic-ass list countless times. Are you going to do anything about it? Probably not!

Fuckin eat better
Like greens and shit, you know the drill. You’ve probably told yourself you’re going to eat better a million times, maybe to lose weight, maybe to elevate your mood. This time, tell yourself you’re doing it for creativity before not doing it.

Exercise and shit
Yup, we’ve hit the part of the self-help article where you generally tap out — the part about exercising. To tie it back to songwriting, uhm, Born to Run is a song. Or whatever. You took one look at that “E” word and closed the tab anyways, who gives a fuck?

White Millennial Concerned By Lack of Diversity in His Prison Gang

Posted on April 29, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

FOLSOM, Calif. — 35-year-old felon and recent inductee in the Folsom Aryan Brotherhood, Jeremiah Stetson expressed his desire to add more diverse voices to his all-white prison gang, confirmed sources currently fashioning a toothbrush into a knife.

“It’s like this entire gang is stuck in the 1950s. I look around and everyone looks exactly the same—white men with shaved heads, goatees, and huge swastika tattoos… it gets old,” said Stetson. “To make things even worse, we kicked out a member after he was thrown down a flight of stairs and has to use a wheelchair now. Not only are we racist, but we are also ableist. I can take some solace in the fact a lot of the guys seem to quietly be members of the LGBTQ community.”

Longtime members of the white supremacist prison gang were less open to integration.

“I consider myself a pretty open-minded guy, but I also want to honor the legacy of all the brothers that came before me,” said serial arsonist and convicted sex offender Robert “Big White” Lamprey. “My mentors showed me how to navigate this crazy prison world. They showed me how to smuggle drugs in and out, they taught me which prison guards are corrupt, and they made me feel safe every time I screamed ‘white power.’ I don’t want to ruin that for future generations of white prisoners who need a place to feel welcome.”

Allen Pinkston, a researcher specializing in incarcerated populations, believes that more Millennial and Gen-Z prisoners could change prison gang demographics.

“Racism is still a problem in prisons across the country, the entire justice system is skewed and broken. But as more young people are locked up we are seeing race play less of an issue with prisoner dynamics than ever before,” said Pinkston. “Right now there are two rival gangs in the Memphis Correctional Facility that are constantly fighting over whether the DC or Marvel movies are superior. One gang is called the Memphis Justice League while the other is the Memphis Avengers. They almost sound like they could be professional soccer teams.”

At press time, Stetson was in the prison ICU after suggesting a brutal beatdown sparked by his suggestion of watching a few episodes of “Martin” in the prison rec room.

If You Didn’t Want Me To Hate Your Favorite Band Then You Shouldn’t Have Recommended Them to Me

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Eric Navarro

You know me so well. You know I love ambient, fuzzy surf rock and you know I love when zoomers add 808s and rap over it. You also know I love bonding over music. It’s what our entire friendship is based on. But you also know that I’m a complete narcissist when it comes to my music taste and that I will never, ever enjoy a band unless I found them first. So why the hell would you show me your favorite band⁠—an ambient, fuzzy surf rap-rock group with 808s⁠—if you didn’t want me to absolutely fucking hate them, and you, forever?

What were you thinking? Why in the hell would you think it was a good idea to introduce me to your favorite band, especially when you know damn well I would have stumbled across them at some point anyway. If that had been how I discovered them, I might have a new favorite band!

Plus, then I would have gotten to show them to you in the form of a carefully curated playlist that you would have loved. But you took that away from me. Frum us. Hell, I might have even surprised you with tickets to their show that you could reimburse me for later. But you ruined all of that! You ruiner.

This could have been the catalyst that launched our friendship to a whole other level. We might have even hung out outside of work for once. But you blew it because you carelessly ignored a key tenet of our friendship: my need to control it.

So next time you discover something that fits my taste in entertainment perfectly, keep it to your fucking self. And while we’re at it, if I show you something I like, even if you know about it, just say you don’t. It’s not worth risking what I consider to be my most valued friendship. So anyway, you ever seen Fight Club?