TUCKER, Ga. — Local musician Mark Shepherd vowed to master his new favorite song on guitar so long as it’s not in some weird tuning, needs a capo, or some other “pretentious bullshit.”
“If I set my mind to something, I won’t rest until I accomplish it. That’s been true ever since I first started intermittently noodling aimlessly on guitar 20 years ago,” explained Shepherd with a fierce intensity in his eyes. “Assuming of course the song is in standard tuning, did not require a capo or whammy bar, didn’t use some goofy-ass picking method, or involved any kind of fruity, French bullshit like ‘staccatos’ or whatever you call it. This isn’t gonna be another ‘Everlong’ situation. I want to play guitar, not spend three hours pausing and starting YouTube tutorials.”
Coworker Toby Johnson recently learned about Shepherd’s lack of commitment during a recent jam session.
“Mark came over to play one day. The way he talked a big game at work, you’d think his shredding would have Herman Li pissing his leather trousers. But then the whole time Mark just butchered simple shit like ‘Iron Man’ and ‘Smoke on the Water.’ I thought he was fucking with me,” said Johnson. “Later I pulled out my capo and he started railing about my ‘overpriced gear.’ I tried explaining it cost like, five bucks and you could make your own with a pencil and rubber bands, but he wouldn’t hear it.”
Aspiring musician Alexa Villalobos sympathized with the novice guitarist.
“I definitely know the pain of trying to learn an instrument. I’ve been playing music for decades. Years spent crammed into a tiny van, getting paid next to nothing, sleeping on floors, and getting the shit kicked out of me by drunken townies because we didn’t play ‘Freebird,’” said Villalobos. “The point I’m trying to make is, it’s just not worth it. I kind of wish I didn’t put in the time and effort it took to learn to fingerpick and just did one of those UX designer courses instead.”
Despite not having any musical talent and zero songs written, Shepherd has maxed out his credit card buying studio time, insisting to friends that “you gotta fake it ‘til you make it.”