Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON — Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade, according to exhausted sources.

“If true, this draft decision will cause tremendous damage to women across this country as well as the court’s own integrity,” said Senate Leader Chuck Schumer. “We, therefore, vow to use every procedural and political tactic possible to guarantee every woman imprisoned for seeking abortion access is given a $50 tax credit for the fourth quarter of the fiscal year 2023. All they have to do is fill out and sign ten simple forms at our web portal, which we expect will be up and running at some point in the next one to three years.”

“The Senate Parliamentarian is currently reviewing this proposed credit and we will defer to her judgment when it is rejected,” he added.

Oh, You’re A Belle And Sebastian Fan? Name Three Endearing Quirks That Somehow Make Us Fall Deeper In Love With You

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hey, you in the striped Breton long-sleeved shirt and vintage parka! You think you’re some kind of Belle and Sebastian fan? Fucking yeah right. If you think you’re such a fan of the Scottish twee legends, name three of your endearing quirks that will somehow make us fall deeper in love with you.

If you’re really such a big fan of the Scottish indie band that Stuart Murdoch formed in 1994 while struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome and the stultifying effects of Thatcher-era British recessions, you probably have some weird things that seem like they should be off-putting but are actually a window into how unique and fascinating you are and how we would give anything to be part of your life, right? Right?

Damn, you carry your pristine girl group EPs in a tweed Hartmann suitcase from the 1960s? That’s so fucking cool, asshole.

Any Johnny-come-lately fan of B&S would know about Stuart Murdoch and original member Isobel Campbell’s failed romantic relationship. But are you the kind of fan who can quote Murdoch’s angry response to a fan letter accusing him of using that relationship as song material? No, you’re fucking not. You probably have never even considered how that fan letter was a fiction written by the songwriter himself to exorcise his deep emotions, jackass. You don’t have any goddamn idea what it means to be a Belle and Sebastiano, as we call ourselves.

So when you sleep, you always have to keep one sock on, because the other sock represents the person you’ve been waiting for your whole life?

We hope that someone is us.

Listen, you fucking make us sick. Real BelleHeads don’t walk around in bucket hats that hide your exquisitely perfect cats-eye eyeliner. They don’t walk around at all, they stay at home in their bedrooms, thinking about how they should have been born in a different decade and drinking weak tea.

What’s that? You only drink whiskey and flat Coca-Cola, because the bubbles make you sneeze?

God fucking dammit.

You say that you love Tigermilk, but only the original pressing? Us too, you goddamn poser. Please kiss us.

A Match Made in Hell: Hacky Sack Guy Dating Devil Sticks Guy

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Local hacky sack guy from the boardwalk, Randy Gallaway, is officially now dating the devil sticks guy who usually hangs around the same area, Julius “Bam Bam” Makowski, irritated sources report.

“When I found out the hacky sack guy and the devil sticks guy were an item, I almost packed it up and moved back to Ohio,” said Venice resident Jay Singh, who until recently enjoyed walking his dog on the boardwalk. “They used to both separately ask me if I had any weed. Now they ask together, and it’s somehow worse. Maybe I’ll come back outside in January.”

However, not everyone is annoyed at the development.

“Their auras go really well together,” said slackline girl Danielle Delgado, who often sets up near the now-couple. “And between the two of them, they have like 300 crocheted beanies. For that reason alone, I support them. That takes a lot of intentional focus, most people quit pretty early on. That dude Bam Bam does lose control of his devil sticks 40 or 50 times a day and sometimes one of them knocks me off my line, but it’s all good.”

Counterculture relationship expert Nicole Lee says relationships like Gallaway’s and Makowski’s are common.

“When hacky sack is a big part of your identity, let’s face it: the vast majority of people hate you, and for good reason,” she said. “This often leads hacky sack guys to look to their closest neighbor, the devil sticks guy. These two subcultures share some crucial characteristics, namely, that they’re both dorks, and they’re both white. That’s pretty much enough for most people.”

At press time, Venice locals had launched a GoFundMe to send Gallaway and Makowski to Burning Man because at least it would get them out of there for a while.

Blink-182 Was My Way Into Harder Stuff, Like Box Car Racer

Posted on by Russ Bizaro

Anyone who’s a fan of real music can point back to a band that got them into the way harder stuff. For me, that pipeline began with Blink-182 and took me all the way to really dark bands like Box Car Racer. Sure, that sounds like a huge stretch because Box Car Racer is worlds away from the mainstream curb appeal of Blink, but I don’t think I could’ve handled the extremeness of Box Car Racer without first dipping my toe in the pool with a way tamer group.

Growing up, my parents actually didn’t mind Blink-182, which makes sense because of their cute commercial sound. But then I discovered Box Car Racer aka every parent’s worst nightmare. I remember hiding their CDs under my bed knowing they would freak out and probably call the priest on me if they even heard a second of that dark, twisted sound.

To the untrained ear, songs like “There Is” may just sound like noise. But that’s because the layperson can’t handle the deafening sounds of such heavy acoustic guitar strumming. I, and a few others who truly get it, have the ability to fully appreciate their artistry. If you can just get past their rowdiness, you’ll understand that Box Car writes songs about real shit. Shit like love and how love is shit. Their lyrics were so deep I could drown, which was another thing my parents were afraid of.

When I occasionally listen back to Blink, I chuckle to think I was ever into that bubblegum, Britany Spears type music. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Blink for everything they’ve given me, but now that Box Car Racer has shown me the songwriting of Tom DeLonge and the drumming of Travis Barker, there’s no way I can go back.

Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll be able to listen to bands from even heavier, more obscure subgenres. Like Angels & Airwaves.

Man Checks Band Name on Spotify to Confirm He’s Enjoying Song

Posted on by Matt McInerney

WORCESTER, Mass. — Local man Johnny Jarvis had to check Spotify to confirm he was actually enjoying the song he found himself bobbing his head to, sources confirmed.

“My perfectly curated playlist ended, and Spotify had started auto-playing songs. I must have zoned out for a while because I don’t remember what came on next. Then suddenly, I felt my world snap back into focus,” Jarvis said, eyes wide. “For a moment, I started to panic. What if it was like a Job for a Cowboy song? Or an even lamer deathcore band? I alt+tabbed as fast as I could. I frantically scanned for ‘now playing.’ Thankfully, it was just a Nile song I didn’t recognize. False alarm, technical death metal, no need for panic.”

Jarvis’s roommate, Alonso Barnes, was standing by the door as the song enjoyment happened.

“I don’t get what he was so upset about. I could see him in his room and he was clearly in a full panic, mashing his keyboard, fumbling for the volume. When I asked him what was wrong, he got really cagey,” said Alonso. “I asked him to play it for me, but he said it would ruin his algorithm. I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling. He acts like that time I walked in on him listening to Huey Lewis never happened. He did swear me to secrecy but maybe he also blacked it out.”

Therapist Ariel Robinson has spent a lot of time studying this behavior, which she reports is “upsettingly common.”

“This clearly stems from a lack of confidence. This kind of guy really thinks people like him strictly based on his opinions and ‘great taste.’ His identity largely revolves around the bands he likes and, more importantly, the bands he hates. That list tends to be a lot longer,” said Robinson. “At least this is better than the U2-is-my-favorite-band guy. This type actually seems comfortable having no musical identity at all.”

At press time, Jarvis was seen clearing the reality shows out of his Netflix queue before his date arrived.

Avocado Selected More Carefully Than Boyfriend

Posted on by Zach Hudson

DENVER — Local woman Riley Prime was seen at a grocery store early yesterday morning carefully examining the quality of an avocado for about four times longer than she spends selecting a potential mate, according to sources.

“There is just so much that has to be considered when choosing an avocado. You have to know when you plan to eat it, and how you are going to prepare it,” Prime explained. “Like, if I’m looking for one to dice up and put into a salad three days from now, I’ll look for a bright green one that’s firm, but not too firm. And if the little stem area is too mushy, you’re gonna want to stay the hell away from that, because it’ll end up being nothing but problems later. God knows these things aren’t cheap, so I really need to make my selections count. This is my life we’re talking about here.”

Roommate Ciera Stanley expressed their frustration that Prime’s rigorous selection process and careful attention to detail would have been much better spent on her current boyfriend, Doug White.

“They went on one date, she brought him home, and then literally the next day she deleted all of her dating apps and bought a toothbrush for him to keep at our apartment,” said Stanley. “He’s here all the time, she’s always doing all of his dishes and cleaning up after him while he just sits around and vapes and scrolls Barstool Sports. I’ve seen her toss soon-to-expire yogurt faster.”

White stated that while he doesn’t understand why Prime is so scrupulous about choosing an avocado, he doesn’t mind as long as he doesn’t have to be involved.

“Yeah Riley is cool,” said White. “She takes forever in the grocery store, but I just wait outside, and she never asks me for money when I ask her to get me a few things while she’s in there so it’s all good.”

At press time, White was seen outside the grocery store catcalling women exiting the store while Prime was inside picking her next five days worth of avocados.

Millennial Couple Finally Saves Enough to Buy ‘House’ Seasons 1-8 on Blu-ray

Posted on by Ken Taro

TRENTON, N.J. — A local couple in their mid-30s did the unthinkable by finally saving enough money to buy the entire “House” series box set on Blu-ray late yesterday afternoon, proud sources confirmed.

“We’ve been borrowing the series from our rich friends for years,” shared Gilda Napolitano. “It was never a problem for them because they own a few copies. I thought we would be renting forever, but now we can have people come over and check it out on our terms. I’ll give them a complete tour including the space below the discs at the bottom of the box where you can find the limited-edition Hugh Laurie Funko POP! You have to be careful though because it’s kind of dark and you might hit the top of your hand.”

Napolitano’s partner shared some of his concerns over contributing to such a hefty investment.

“We weren’t sure if we could buy all the seasons at once, especially with the way things are right now,” admitted Brent Kristiansen. “It was a big investment, and Gilda and I wanted to make sure we were making the right choice. Thankfully, we were very disciplined, and spent months Googling links and signing up for member benefits that offer 20% off your entire purchase codes. It took us some time, sometimes you just have to make sacrifices.”

After doing some research, the couple decided Target was the perfect place to make the purchase.

“They seemed a little apprehensive at first,” said Berta Padilla, the electronics associate assisting them. “I wanted to show them something like ‘Trailer Park Boys’ to begin with. You know, something cheaper to start with before they upgrade later. They were open to the idea, but ultimately decided against it because the box was a little bit light, and they thought it might fly off in a tornado. After addressing their concerns, I realized that they could indeed go for the big play. I think they made the right choice.”

The couple is now reportedly pregnant and saving for the “Full House” box set.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Gave Me Unrealistic Expectation of How Good Pizza Would Make Me at Karate

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you grew up in the early ‘90s, you grew up ingesting a lot of toxic media, and sure, we recognize a lot of that now. We all see now how Friends and Home Improvement promoted homophobia and toxic masculinity, and that’s great and all, but there is a glaring transgression from televisions of that era that doesn’t get talked about enough: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

This cartoon led me to believe there was a direct correlation between the amount of pizza one consumed and one’s ability to master ninjitsu. Imagine my shellshock many years and many double pepperoni with extra cheeses later to find that I can barely make it up a flight of stairs in one bound, let alone take on the Foot Clan.

To this day anytime I’m involved in a street situation that has the potential for violence, my first instinct is to run to the nearest pizzeria and power up with a radical slice of zaa (no anchovies!) As a result, I have gotten my ass handed to me in every fight I’ve ever been in due to my sluggishness, bloat, and low energy.

Not radical. Not bodacious. Very untubular.

Every weapon I’ve attempted to master has almost immediately led to serious injury or destruction of valuables in my vicinity. It’s the damned pizza grease! As soon as I start twirling ninja gear around it flies right out of my hands! I have impaled my own foot with a sai, I’ve thrown a katana through the tv, and I’ve shattered my great grandfather’s urn with a wayward nun-chuck. You would think a sheepish shrug and a “Cowabunga?” would smooth things over but no, mom was pretty upset.

Pizza isn’t the only bad habit I picked up from that show either. When I was 12 I got a pet rat, hoping it would mimic my sick-ass karate moves, find some ooze and become my surrogate father. The rat escaped almost immediately and it bit me. I got real sick for a while, and I’m still allergic to raw honey and sunlight now.

It’s mind blowing to me that these characters are still popular to this day. We’re facing an obesity epidemic in this country, and what we need more than ever is Teenage Mutant Well Balanced Diet and Exercise Turtles.

Punk Tortoise Joins 127 Club

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

GALAPAGOS ISLANDS — The Galapagos punk scene was in shock this morning after learning of the tragic death of up and coming tortoise, Sheldon, becoming the latest member of the now infamous 127 Club, sources report.

“Wow, that one really makes you think, doesn’t it,” said scene icon and local seagull, Pokey. “For someone to be gone so young, I mean 127? He’s still just a kid, his star shone bright. You hate to see it happen to these guys, but that’s just how he lived—balls to the wall and pure nihilism. It’s just not about the music anymore with these kids. If you didn’t get eaten by birds as a hatchling and you make it to 100, you start to think you’re indestructible.”

Scene experts have noted that this is just another mark in a very tragic history among the Galapagos Island tortoise punk scene.

“There’ve been some pretty iconic tortoises who’ve bitten the dust at 127, but I think this one hits harder than so many others,” remarked music expert and moray eel, Snapper. “Sheldon’s brief time with us will make up for in quality what it lacked in quantity. This is just like when Boxer croaked at 127 when he got drunk after a show and choked on his own vomit after he rolled over on his back and couldn’t get back up. These guys just have demons they can’t overcome.”

When reached for comment, experts on reptiles from the National Zoological Park responded with the following statement.

“The National Zoo is a respected scientific organization and if this is some kind of Harambe style prank, we don’t have time for your childish games,” the terse statement read. “There is no scientific evidence existing that indicates that a large number of musically talented giant tortoises have died at 127. Tortoises lack both the physical and mental capacity for creating music, let alone creating any sort of mythos surrounding said music scene. We have responded to your online petition as per required by federal statute. Please stop bothering us or we will be forced to pursue legal action.”

Further tragedy struck at the tortoise’s memorial when a distraught and hard-partying mayfly overdosed, cementing his induction into the 27-minute club.

Photo by Eric Kilby via Flickr. 

Review: Bad Brains “Rock For Light”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover 1983’s “Rock For Light,” the second full-length album from Washington D.C.’s very own hardcore punk pioneers, Bad Brains.

I’ll never forget where I was when I first heard this album. I was on my way to meet this guy to buy some drugs but he wasn’t answering the door or his phone, so I went to this little speakeasy across the street to kill some time. I walked in and was taken aback by the song that was playing. It was a really groovy reggae song. I now know it to be “Rally Round Jah Throne” but at the time I didn’t have a name to put to it. I was just mystified. I had never fancied myself a reggae fan but after that moment I couldn’t get enough of it.

I asked the bartender what the album was and that’s when I learned who Bad Brains were. I immediately ran out of that speakeasy to the nearest record store in the area, which was a solid seven blocks away. I found the record, bought it on the spot, and rushed home to fully immerse myself in it. However, when I heard the first song I became confused. It wasn’t reggae. It was this loud abrasive rock n roll music. Which isn’t normally a big deal but it wasn’t what I wanted.

I was furious. I went into a blind rage and that’s where my memory of things gets a little choppy. Apparently I ran back into that speakeasy and berated the bartender. Calling them a liar, throwing pint glasses at them, just being an absolute lunatic. Unfortunately for me, the bartender was extremely well versed in jiu-jitsu and proceeded to beat my ass so bad that I still can’t walk in a straight line. I pleaded for someone to help me but they all just joined in on the beating. As I lay there on the ground feeling my internal organs begin to rupture, I suddenly noticed the music playing in the background.

It was that abrasive rock music. The song was coming to an end and that’s when I heard it again. That song I had fallen for earlier in the day. It was the same band. Never in my life did I think a hardcore rock band could also be a killer reggae band. I spent the next ten days recovering in the hospital just listening to this record over and over. It changed the way I see music to this day. I also found out during my recovery that the drug dealer from earlier was found dead in their apartment. Which totally makes sense for why they didn’t answer in the first place.

Score: 5/5 hairline fractures in my ribs.

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