Robert Atkinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Musician With Rich Parents Transitions Into Actor With Rich Parents

Posted on September 3, 2022 by Wilson Conkwright

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed singer-songwriter Otto LaMont stated he was done pursuing his secondary dreams of being a musician and that it’s high time he used his privilege to pursue his main dream of being an actor, worried sources confirmed.

“It’s got nothing to do with the fact that my music never gained any traction, and I don’t appreciate everyone asking me that,” snipped LaMont while cuddling with his Bengal cat. “One day I was watching a movie on my parent’s PS5 when it hit me: if Armie Hammer can do it, so can I. I love acting. It’s pretty much just lying, and I’m good at that. Plus, my parents produced like half the Marvel movies, so I owe it to myself to give it a try.”

The LaMont’s report their third child has always done what he wanted, and now that it’s something in their industry, they’re happy to give him whatever he needs to succeed.

“When he wanted to be a painter, we sent him to train under Julian Schnabel for $4,000 a day despite telling him over and over he was never going to make it,” reminisced Mrs. Lamont. “I’m glad to hear he’s finally come to his senses and is ready to join the family business. We’ve told him since he was a boy that if he ever wanted to be an actor to just say the word and we’d use our leverage on Weinstein to make it happen. That’s off the table now, but we still have dirt on other heads. Maybe one day he’ll even have his own blackmail material. Wouldn’t that be incredible?”

Hollywood casting director Blake Henry gave his opinion on the youngest LaMont’s career change.

“Otto LaMont? Sure, he can be whatever he wants in the movie I’m casting for James Cameron. He’s perfect for the role. He’s handsome, charismatic, and if his parents find out I didn’t cast him then they’re going to be angry,” gulped Henry. “We don’t like it when they’re angry. Whatever makes them happy, that’s what I’m gonna do. Can you tell them I said that?”

At press time, LaMont announced that if his plans to win an Oscar in a year or so didn’t work out, he’s prepared to move on to his fallback career of living on a yacht in Monaco and dating models.

Golf Handicaps Teach Boomers Dangerous Ideas About the Benefits of Communism

Posted on September 3, 2022 by John Danek

Everyone knows free market capitalism was invented by Jesus and Moses right around the time they co-wrote America’s Judeo-Christian values. But quite frankly, I’m sick of everyone taking big steamy dumps on their perfect ideas.

It has recently come to my attention that the Baby Boomer generation has been consistently using communism to “level the playing field” of one of their popular pastimes: golf. It works like this. If Stanley is consistently 5 strokes worse at golf than Bernard, then Stanley gets 5 extra bonus points to give him an even chance at winning, which is absolute Satanic horseshit and spits in the face of the troops who died fighting communist Russia in the Cold War.

Well guess what, Stanley? If you’re 5 strokes worse then deserve to fucking lose every game. That’s what the free market says, you little pinko baby. Competition is supposed to make people better, not inspire them to change the rules.

Boomers need more egalitarianism and fewer eagles when they really get bogies. Pick yourself up by your own golf bag straps. Work hard. Get better. And don’t whine about it in the clubhouse later.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the same generation who created participation trophies because they couldn’t stand to see their loser kids cry and go home empty-handed. But they’re so duplicitous that they started blaming millennials for those same participation trophies! Have you ever seen a 7-year-old call up the local trophy shop and place a custom order? This is your fuck up, boomers.

You know what happens when we start giving out free points to the people in last place? Venezuela. Now, I don’t know anything about Venezuela except that it’s a horrible place where freedom loving capitalists are tortured beyond your wildest dreams, I think.

I Lived Fast, but Didn’t Die Young. Now What?!

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

I had a plan! My star was going to shine so brightly that it burned out before my time! I was supposed to get stupid rich than poor again from polluting my body beyond recognition. And I’m not saying I’m talented enough to deserve death at 27, but I just turned 32 and I’m starting to think I just didn’t go hard enough. Now what?!

I never once imagined life in my 30s, and now I’m here looking around like I’m in limbo or something. Don’t get me wrong, my situation is very similar to my 20s. I’m still living with eight other impoverished “artists”, scheming and plotting ways to make rent every month, but I just get sleepy after a few beers now and I’m too much of a coward to off myself. So I guess this is just life now.

This dumb human experience finds a way to force you into drinking less, eating right, and planning for the future, because if you don’t die young, slowly beating your body into submission in your 40s or 50s is just plain sad. No one says, “The way that 45-year-old drank himself to death was a real rockstar move!” Everyone knows 29 is the peak!

Biggie, Tupac, and Kurt Cobain had the right idea. Sure, everyone was sad at first, but the coolness of how young they were lives on. Their T-shirts are still worn by kids 30 years later. John Belushi and Chris Farley waited till they were 33, and everyone was like, “Aw man, those full-grown adults must’ve really been dealing with some shit. And that just makes us all sad.

Man, I went way harder than my friends who actually died. Everyone goes on and on about them, and I’m like, “Hello! Remember when I jumped off of our moving tour bus after washing down a handful of mystery pills with a bottle of Jack?!” I only broke both legs and got 29 stitches in my head. And the mystery ended up being melatonin. Just unlucky I guess. And after all the abuse I put my body through, I guess I’ll just feel like I’m 90 till… Well, whenever I happen to slowly fizzle out like every other nameless, faceless loser.

Boyfriend Safely Moves Line 6 Spider Outside Instead of Killing It

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE — Local man Clyde Harris showed great restraint when he gently and thoughtfully relocated the Line 6 Spider that scared his girlfriend to the front porch instead of killing it, confirmed sources who are still a little shaken up.

“I heard Kensy (Clarke) scream ‘ew ew ew kill it, kill it!’ when she walked into our bedroom. I ran and realized the Spider was just sitting there next to the bed,” said Harris in reference to the 15-watt solid-state amplifier with the dial set to insane mode. “I know Spiders aren’t for everybody, but my big rig is at the rehearsal space, so when Kensy made a stink about it, I just put it out on the porch where it wouldn’t bother her. She got kind of upset when she found out I didn’t destroy it outright, she thinks it will somehow get back into the house, but it’s just sitting there minding its own business and collecting some bugs.”

Clarke stated that Harris’ lack of killer instinct has her reevaluating their entire relationship.

“I’ve talked to Clyde about my fear of Spiders ad nauseam. It’s why I won’t step foot into a Guitar Center. That place is littered with them, hanging from the ceiling, on the ground, everywhere. The fact that he did anything other than throw that thing in the fucking ocean is unforgivable,” Clarke lamented while peeking onto the porch to make sure the Spider was gone for good. “A good Spider is a dead one, and Clyde needs to figure that out before we have a terrible gear infestation. I mean, they’re 100% digital. How the fuck can there be a ‘tape echo’ setting? Everything about it is disgusting.”

Legendary amplifier anthropologist Leroy Stuart weighed in on the controversy and suggests a fair middle ground.

“Spiders are good for the ecosystem, there’s no doubt about it,” Stuart claims. “A Spider in the living area keeps the Mesa Boogie at the rehearsal space, and I don’t think that’s something that most people realize. Sure, a Spider may seemingly have very few redeeming qualities, but it doesn’t have enough juice to get the whole band jamming in the living room when the guys are just stopping by to play some video games. I’d suggest throwing a decorative tapestry over the Spider during its dormant phases, and I think this whole thing could blow over.”

At Press time, Harris was spotted relocating the Spider to the damp basement, an environment where Spiders thrive according to Stuart.

Peanuts Gang Finally Call Child Protective Services on Pigpen’s Parents

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

HENNEPIN COUNTY, Minn. — The largely unsupervised Peanuts gang has finally called Child Protective Services on the parents of their unhygienic and destitute classmate Pigpen.

“When we were younger we didn’t think much about how filthy Pigpen was. Some kids like to play in the dirt, you know? I mean, good grief, Linus used to take dumps in the pumpkin patch to ‘feed the great pumpkin.’ Children do weird stuff. But we’re in middle school now, and Pigpen still shows up to school covered in filth and soot like he’s a dust bowl migrant,” explained friend Charlie Brown. “A few years ago I did try telling one of our teachers about it, but all we got was a bunch of white noise. After talking it over with everyone, we all decided to call Child Protective Services.”

Despite being severely at-risk for Legionarres’ disease and pinworms, Pigpen claimed he was “blindsided” by his friends.

“It makes sense now why mysterious care packages of wet wipes and sticks of Old Spice have started showing up in my desk at school. Still, I wish my so-called friends had tried talking to me first instead of going to the feds,” said Pigpen while emitting large puffs of dust despite remaining perfectly still. “Yeah, it is true that Pigpen Sr. went out for a pack of Lucky Strikes a few years ago and my mom has been dancing at the 19th Hole to make ends meet. And we haven’t had running water since the Eisenhower administration. But we’re getting by, ok? Last thing I’ll say is, you better run for your life, Charlie Brown. That blockhead’s days are numbered.”

Social worker Poppy Burris noted the issue may go well beyond Pigpen’s household.

“Frankly, I think every child here is being neglected. I’ve been all over this neighborhood and have yet to see an adult. I saw one boy clutching to a blankie for dear life, clearly a trauma response,” said Burris. “I also asked one particularly butch little girl what she does for food, and apparently a bird and a dog occasionally will make the children buttered toast and popcorn.”

In addition to the government intervening in the Peanuts crew’s home lives, the local district is under fire after allowing a dog wearing a sweater and sunglasses to attend classes for over a decade.

Mom Urges HAIM Sisters to Take Their Little Brother With Them on Tour Once in a While Too

Posted on September 2, 2022 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local mother Donna Haim urged the three members of her daughters’ band HAIM to take their little brother with them on tour so he wouldn’t feel left out, sources who were consequently sent to their rooms without dinner confirmed.

“I just think it would be nice if little Jeffrey was included from time to time,” said the mother of four while crocheting a few HAIM doilies she thought would go well with the band’s merch booth. “After all, he has a lot of musical talent that they can use in their little band. He used to play the recorder in second grade and a Fisher-Price xylophone he got for his fourth birthday before that. He even performed as the seventh lead in the musical ‘Hairspray’ for his sixth-grade recital. He’ll fit right in. Regardless, I’m not asking them to bring him along, I’m telling them to.”

Alana Haim, the guitarist of the band, was none too pleased with their mother’s suggestion.

“Sorry, but there’s just no room on this tour for another Haim sibling,” said the “Licorice Pizza” star. “Not to mention our whole vibe will be totally thrown off. After all, I’m the brains of this operation, Danielle is the brawn, and Este is everything else. You see? We just don’t have a use for a kid who plays ‘Minecraft’ all day. Plus, we’re known specifically as a trio. Have you ever heard of a trio with four people? I don’t think so.”

Music historian Lucille Kennedy noted the struggles of family-based bands.

“Being in a band with only a select few members of your family while excluding others can be extremely tricky,” said Kennedy. “Jerry Van Halen was curiously left out of Van Halen. Ethan Gallagher was surprisingly not in Oasis. And Tegan and Sara famously did not include their identical triplet Tabitha because it would, in their words, ‘ruin a great band name.’ As a rule of thumb, if you include at least one other family member in your band, you should allow them all to participate so no one feels left out. I’m talking siblings, cousins, grandparents and so on. Let them all in. Just not your dad though. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

At press time, Donna Haim switched course and urged her daughters to give her grandkids.

We Sat Down With a Guy Who Blasts a Bluetooth Speaker in Public Instead of Using Headphones and Beat the Entire Fuck Out of Him

Posted on September 1, 2022 by John Danek

Urban life has its ups and downs. On one hand, you can find something cool to do almost every night of the week. But then again, you can find 5 annoying people on every single corner.

Nowhere is the city experience more difficult than on a city subway. On our way to work, we sat down next to and chatted with the guy who blasts his Bluetooth speaker on 10 the whole ride instead of just using headphones like a reasonable human being.

THE HARD TIMES: Hey man, can you turn that down? I can’t even hear my podcast in my earbuds.
SPEAKER GUY: What??

Yeah, exactly. Your speaker is so loud, it’s wildly inconsiderate to everyone else around you.
I can’t hear you man.

Yes, we fucking know. NO ONE CAN HEAR SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE BLASTING REGGAETON SO LOUD, IT SOUNDS LIKE BLACK METAL. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST USE HEADPHONES?
NAH, I HATE HEADPHONES. THEY SUCK AND HURT MY EARS AFTER A WHILE. THIS IS BETTER.

NO, IT ISN’T. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHIT. YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE BASS. IT WOULD GENUINELY SOUND BETTER TO YOU IF YOU JUST WORE HEADPHONES. YOU JUST HAVEN’T FOUND THE RIGHT PAIR YET.
PEOPLE LIKE WHEN I PLAY MUSIC, EVERYONE GETS TO ENJOY IT. LOOK, EVERYONE HERE LIKES IT.

EVERYONE IS AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WITH YOU. MUSIC IS A PERSONAL, SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE. PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY LISTEN TO AND NOT HAVE GODDAMN FM RADIO TRASH SHOVED DOWN THEIR THROAT ON THE WAY TO WORK.
SPEAKER GUY: *somehow turns his speaker up louder*

It was at this point that our interview ended because I was so overcome with rage that I grabbed the Bluetooth speaker and smashed it off the floor. Before speaker guy could react, I started punching him in the side of the head. Other subway riders joined in with me, and we jumped the shit out of him. I went through his pockets and stole his USB charging cable so he can’t charge the speaker anymore.

When police finally arrived on the scene, they were 2 hours late and shot an unrelated bystander in the back.

Oh, so, It’s Okay To Write a Screenplay in a Starbucks but I’m Not Allowed to Record a Thrash Album?!

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

This morning I woke up motivated. Motivated to make art. So, just like so many amateur artists in America, I drove to one of the two Starbucks that are equidistant from my house, got a Tall coffee, and set to work. I was vibing with all the creative energy that surrounded me; screenwriters, graphic designers, poets, playwrights, and novelists. However, I was barely two minutes into recording a riff for the title track of my new album Acid Breath when I was asked to leave the premises.

What happened to artists supporting artists?! Just because my art is, as you put it, “causing a major disturbance,” and, “giving you tinnitus,” doesn’t mean that it is any less important than whatever the hell it is you’re working on. If I knew I would come up against this kind of censorship I wouldn’t have dragged my entire drum kit down here.

Let’s be honest, my album will be up on BandCamp by the end of the week. Is anyone going to read your short story about vampire art students or whatever the hell? No. No one is going to come to see your stupid play about Kalipso Chalkidou. You will never get funding for an A24 copycat independent film about rumspringa crust punks. But the album Acid Breath by Fungus Frost will change the world of metal forever.

No wonder your stupid employees can’t unionize when every employee here is a fascist philistine. Why don’t we just have a book burning in front of the french press display while we are at it? Maybe we should deface a Picasso in the unisex bathroom!

And for your information, I am not, “screaming,” into the microphone. It’s called singing. Do you understand the talent it takes to do a proper death growl and transition it into a Halford-eque falsetto? And if my lyrics offend you, one, don’t bring your children to an adult business, and two, Walking Corpse Syndrome is a real disease and it has affected me personally. I’m trying to teach people with my music, unlike the AI-generated picture you pretend is art.

Screw this, I’m going to Dunkin’.

White Woman Hearing About White Fragility Quick to Remind Biracial Woman She Half-White Too, You Know

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Krissy Howard

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local white woman Donna Phelps helpfully reminded her biracial friend Mariah Dominguez that they are, in fact, partially white too, upon hearing the term “white fragility” for the first time, confirmed sources who wished to no longer be in the room.

“I was talking with Mariah and she said something about some new term ‘white fragility,’ I guess,” Phelps recalled. “She told me it’s about how white people get uncomfortable hearing and talking about racism and stuff, which is just so gross. Luckily, Mariah and I can learn through this whole thing together seeing as how she’s half-white. She’s got a toe in the pool too, so I’m actually not even sure why she’s being so adamant about this, but I guess it’s just my job to seem like I’m listening.”

While some friends have been open-minded in the most clueless sense of the term, others were a bit offended by the lesson.

“I don’t see the differences in people, so I guess I just never really thought of Mariah as particularly ethnic. I like to get to know people for who they are,” explained coworker and self-proclaimed friend Erica Kemper-Shore, whose knowledge of Dominguez extends only to the fact that they both like going to Five Guys for lunch. “Maybe some people might need to know these things, but to call white people ‘fragile?’ I mean, a racist joke is a racist joke, you can’t deny that. Black people can be racist too! Insinuating that everyone else is perfect just makes you look dumb.”

Friend in question, Dominguez, explained that everything went exactly as she expected.

“I honestly don’t even know why in the fuck this came up, but I’m not surprised it did and am definitely not surprised by how it went down,” she explained, of the 25 minutes spent listening to a hypothetical situation involving a Mexican woman and a security guard. “Basically, half of my life is spent fielding questions about every single type of food on Earth, and the other half is spent holding my breath around white people who feel completely comfortable saying racist shit around me, including at least half of my family. This is actually pretty mild in comparison.”

At press time, Dominguez was pointing a loaded gun into her mouth and pulling the trigger after a nearby person who “couldn’t help but overhear” assured the group that there is only one race—the human race.

New Father Suspicious of Wife and Black Metal Neighbor After Baby Born With Corpse Paint

Posted on September 1, 2022 by Tim Graham

BUFFALO, N.Y. — New father Gareth Desmond began to question his wife’s fidelity after she gave birth to a baby in full corpse paint which matched their black metal neighbor’s signature look, hospital staff confirmed.

“I love baby Elijah no matter what, but I have to admit I was a bit freaked out when I saw those creepy markings and his deep scowl,” said Mr. Desmond. “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I couldn’t help wondering—could this have something to do with my neighbor? Wendy has been taking guitar lessons from him, she started wearing Emperor long sleeve shirts, and constantly talks about wanting to visit the Scandinavian countries. She used to just be into pop music, maybe some indie stuff. But you know, good for her for pursuing new interests, I guess?”

Neighbor Damien Invictus of the black metal band Interminable Bloodmoon insists there’s nothing to be concerned about and that the relationship is strictly platonic.

“Wendy is my student, and yes, she’s become a friend,” said the long-haired guitarist while he sharpened an ornate Viking sword. “I’ve been able to introduce her to some new music and new ways of thinking and I was surprised how quickly she took to it. Eventually, I started showing her how to play some riffs, that’s all. As far as accusations of impropriety, that’s utter nonsense. If you look at the baby’s facial markings, you can see that it’s more of a modern Swedish style, while my own aesthetic is one hundred percent classic 90s Norwegian. Anyone can see how absurd the allegations of an affair are based on that fact alone.”

Geneticist Stephen Zhang says that while extremely rare, it is possible that repeated, prolonged use of makeup could be passed down to an offspring, lending some credence to Desmond’s suspicions.

“There is some research in the nascent field of cosmetic epigenetics that could explain such phenomena where superficial alterations to a parent’s body could be inherited by offspring,” said Dr. Zhang. “I recently researched the case of a heavily tattooed punk couple whose baby was born with a birthmark that clearly spelled out ‘ACAB.’ Some of my colleagues believe these occurrences are a natural extension of the evolutionary process. Personally, I blame 5G.”

At press time, Mrs. Desmond left her accounting job to serve as Interminable Bloodmoon’s tour manager and was planning on taking Elijah to join the band on the road for several months.

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