Man Trying Raw Meat Diet Hoping Debilitating Salmonella Part of the Process

Posted on by Ben Friedman

INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources have confirmed.

“There’s something primal and manly about consuming raw meat. I don’t care if people tell me it’s dangerous or that raw diet influencers are liars. Our ancestors didn’t need to cook meat to get huge gains, I’m sure they pushed through the crippling symptoms of salmonella poisoning while hunting mastodons and shit,” said McGrath as he was hunched over his toilet. “I mean, shitting blood has to be part of the process, otherwise people wouldn’t do it, right? Soon as I can stand on my own again, I’ll have eight pack abs. I just have to believe I’m tougher than a deadly bacterial disease.”

McGrath’s roommate is worried that he’s watching his friend deteriorate in front of his eyes.

“Dave’s been caught up in several fad diets over the years, but the moment he walked in with $700 of prime rib from the butcher I knew this was going to be a shitshow. He was puking violently after the first meal, I don’t know why he’s still going through with this. He shouldn’t have doubled down with the turtle meat,” said Scott Faulk. “It’s hard enough he’s so weak I have to drag him through our apartment, but a few days ago after he saw me eating a carrot and lost his shit. I can’t tell if that’s brain rot from the obvious infection he has or the bad behavior of the diet peddlers he follows.”

Dieticians have previously made it known that the drawbacks of the raw meat lifestyle far outweigh its benefits, though it hasn’t been enough to deter people.

“It’s well established that people like the Liver King are full of shit and just doing steroids, but that’s not enough to stop people from buying into this farce. Here in reality, humans are omnivores and that’s it. There is literally no reason to consume uncooked meat like a mountain lion,” said Dr. Morgan Fischer. “If Mr. McGrath even seared his meat for thirty seconds he could’ve avoided these symptoms and continued to cosplay as a caveman, but I suppose being sensible would run the risk of being called a beta male.”

As of press time, McGrath assured loved ones that he’s just one raw penguin steak away from the perfect body despite now being transferred to hospice.

We Didn’t Kill OJ, But Here Are Six Songs We’d Be Listening To This Week If We Did

Posted on by Tim Sheard

New music is one of the most readily available forms of media on the planet, but you’re still listening to a scratched CD-R of System Of A Down’s ‘Toxicity’ in your car. What happened to you? As you make your way to work blasting ‘Chop Suey!’ for the billionth time, a dazzling world of new sounds passes you by. We have to put an end to this. Here are some new jams hand picked by our staff to help nudge you in the right direction.

Thursday “Application For Release From The Dream”

If you were wondering why your friend suddenly got bangs and re-pierced their lip, it’s because Thursday released their first new song in 13 years. If the lengthy title, ‘Application For Release From The Dream,’ doesn’t make you feel like you’ve been plucked from the modern hellscape and dropped into a 2000’s era Hot Topic, the band’s fresh-as-ever, genre defining sound will. Welcome back, Thursday. We’ve truly excited for our spin-kicks to have emotional depth once more.

High On Fire “Cometh the Storm”

Things have been getting pretty aggro in the office lately, and we have to assume that’s due to the fact that High On Fire is about to release their first new album in over half a decade. Within seconds of the band releasing the deliriously heavy title track to said album, ‘Cometh the Storm,’ four of our writers spontaneously grew beards and developed faded navy tattoos. We’ll be isolating them for our safety when the album drops in full next week.

Die Spitz “I hate when GIRLS die”

Austin’s noisy quartet Die Spitz released a new single, which means our Managing Editor has been asked to work remotely for the next couple of weeks. We can’t risk more furniture being destroyed and the Sabbath-infused riff mayhem on ‘I hate when GIRLS die’ threatens our windows too. When word got out about the surprise release, one third of our staff called in sick out of sheer fear. If you’re reading this, Gerald, it’s safe to come get your laptop.

Dehd “Alien”

Unless you’ve somehow been living under a rock, which is totally fine, you’ve probably been captivated by Chicago’s indie-rock trio Dehd. Their catchy-as-fuck, dancy, and simplistic grooves have made them one of the fastest-rising acts of the genre. Thankfully for our sadder office mates, they also know how to turn down the intensity without losing their earworm sensibilities. Their latest, ‘Alien,’ offers a cooled-down arrangement and one of the most endearing hooks we’ve heard in a minute.

Burning Lord “Clip My Wings”

One of our writers went missing for four days this week. When they returned covered in more garbage and sewage than usual, we had to ask what was up. Turns out they had been given an advance copy of Burning Lord’s debut album ‘Arcane Demolition.’ Within seconds of listening we understood the grimey condition of our beloved staffer. Burning Lord are making the kind of thrashy, vile, and debased hardcore that makes one want to start a circle pit in a city dump, which is apparently what our writer was doing alone for the front half of the week.

Pavement “Harness Your Hopes”

In one of the more bizarre shakeups of 2024, ‘Cut Your Hair’ is no longer the one song most people can name by the legendary indie slackers, Pavement. ‘Harness Your Hopes,’ once a majorly overlooked B-Side to the bands 1999 single ‘Spit On A Stranger,’ is now the band’s most streamed song by a long shot thanks to a TikTok trend called the ‘Utah Fit Check.’ We tried to get one of our younger interns to explain it to us, but they told us to ‘get fucked, old man.’ Some things are better left a mystery.

Because we know you’re now clamoring for even more music, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Hell Yes: I Made a Song So Terrible Everyone on TikTok Is Calling It a New Subgenre of Pop

Posted on by Malia Simon

I finally did it: after years of creating absolute dogshit music that no one would listen to, I finally found a group of people who are willing to generate nonsensical jargon out of thin air in an effort to pretend I’ve made anything of substance. Hell yeah!

I honestly never thought this would work. When I uploaded “4GETTING SUMM3R 4 3VER (Oh, Oh, Oh)” to TikTok, my first thought was “Yeah, this is pretty garbage. You couldn’t pay me to listen to this shit.” However, something must have struck a chord with the TikTok audience, because 5 hours later I opened the comments to find people saying I just made the “techno-low-life pop song of the summer” that “blends PCP vampire teen with abused wood-creature core.” Cool!

All the praise has been great. The only thing is, it’s hard to keep up with what exactly my aesthetic is. One week I was “diaper-boy core” and the next I was “hydro-femme Soviet maximalist.” Sounds great guys, but slow down! Let me get all this down so I can whip up another song just like it and ride on my own coattails of a complete fluke hit into a fraudulent music career.

Uh-oh. Someone just made a stitch with my video saying, “Why is everyone hyping this up? This shit is complete unlistenable garbage,” and now everyone in the comments is agreeing and they’re all turning against me. Guys, come back! I guess I got a little drunk on the electrifying thrill of being loved by chronically online teens because this hurts bad. Even worse, how the fuck do I defend this when they’re completely right? The song is absolute dogshit garbage and I have no idea why anyone listened to it in the first place. I literally recorded it in one take in my voice memos. That doorbell ring in the intro that everyone was calling “esoteric” was actually just my Wingstop delivery guy.

Wait now! Someone just stitched that video saying my song is “bad in a self-aware way.” Hell yes! There is no better feeling than public opinion swaying arbitrarily back in your favor, and I for one am content with a career that is completely at the mercy of it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we are lucky to live in a time when the taste and attention span of the general public has gone down the drain, and we should be shoving as much content down everyone’s throats as possible until the whole system inevitably caves in on itself. Until that day comes, I’m getting famous, bitch!

Eric Clapton Announces “Tears in Heaven” Now About Jesus Being Sad People Still Taking Vaccine

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SURREY, England — Musician Eric Clapton surprised everyone by announcing that his 1992 hit song “Tears in Heaven” is now about the Messiah’s despair that people are still using vaccines to combat COVID-19, confirmed sources who hadn’t that track in years.

“This song was originally written to help me cope with my son Conor’s sudden passing,” stated Clapton as he Venmoed more royalty checks to RFK Jr.’s presidential campaign. “But as time went on and my heart started to heal from the loss, a new pain started to develop after taking that evil Astrazeneca shot, which is why this song is now about the Heavenly Father crying that his ignorant children on Earth are still taking this poison. I feel very connected to Jesus since we’re all made from God’s image, especially me, so what cooler way to educate the masses about the ‘scamdemic’ than with the collaboration of two powerful spiritual forces.”

Long-time fan and nurse Patricia Healy expressed confusion about the song’s new meaning.

“This tune used to resonate with me because I also lost someone close, but I’m not sure I really get the message anymore,” said Healy. “I know firsthand that the vaccine saved millions of lives, so I don’t agree with changing its meaning. Plus, how the hell am I supposed to connect with it knowing that it’s now some weird antivax Christian rock hybrid? I’m vaccinated and an avowed atheist. Plus, I don’t buy him ever working with Jesus, not because I question his faith, but because Jesus is technically a foreigner and we all know Clapton’s thoughts on that.”

Music expert Taylor Berube says it’s not uncommon for artists to re-interpret their songs as they age.

“It’s very normal for the meaning of songs to evolve as artists gain more life experience,” Berube stated. “That’s why the best songs are ones that keep their meaning vague so they have a wider appeal. But a song like this was so specific to Clapton’s life that it makes it difficult to accept that it’s now about something completely different, transforming what was once a beautiful tribute to a lost soul, to now something that your drunk uncle would say after he downed a bottle of Wild Turkey.”

At press time, Clapton also announced that his cover of “I Shot the Sheriff” will now be about what he’ll do to any law enforcement officials who even think about implementing another mask mandate.

How to Tell if the Emotional Walls You Put Up Are Load-Bearing

Posted on by Katy Maiolatesi

Are you the type of person who’d rather not expose your feelings to anyone in your life ever? We get it, it’s revealing and scary, and it gets in the way of quiet time. Unfortunately, society is on a big “mental health” kick at the moment, and your emotional barriers are not “in vogue.” You’ve probably been pressured by loved ones to seek professional help in taking them down, but not so fast—some of those protective barriers you put up could in fact be load-bearing.

This guide will tell you whether removing the emotional walls you’ve put around you will make everything collapse to the ground.

You Put Forth a Hard Shell Exterior

You don’t want anyone to see weakness, feelings, or even ask for help with today’s Wordle. Chances are you’re a softie on the inside, which is why this shell is not sustainable. One person will get to know the true you, and your guard along with that weak-ass shell will come crumbling down.

You’ve Erected a Wall of Silence

For you, it’s preferable to say nothing than something raw and vulnerable. Someone in your life wants to ask you a personal question and you shut them out with your trusty silence wall. One hit of the hard questions, and it feels like your whole life is falling down. If this is the case, then yeah, we’re talking load-bearing.

You’re a Fixer of Other People’s Problems

You’re the first one people call when there is a leaky faucet, a loose door jamb, or if they need help with today’s Wordle. When your significant other asks you what should be done about the problems in your relationship, you go right to the offense and offer to paint the entire home. This has kept you from revealing your own issues to other people, and it has worked out so far. While this is a sign of an emotional wall, tearing through and demolishing it won’t destroy your entire foundation. So go ahead and break those fixer tendencies, but finish that paint job first.

Your Significant Other Is Seeking Emotional Connection Elsewhere

Congrats! Your girlfriend wants an open-concept relationship. This is common when all you can offer emotionally is pouting after your favorite sports team loses. You’re a commitment-phobe, so what’s there not to like? She suggests seeing other people while you “deal with your dad issues.” Sleeping around won’t make your entire life implode, but you should probably try it out just to be sure.

Go Ask Your Mom’s Friend Brian

He’s always ready with his tool kit and knows how to deal with this kind of shit.

If All Else Fails, Try Removing Part of a Wall

You’ve made it this far in life, but your relationships have been mostly empty and unsuccessful. This is no thanks to the blockades you have built around you. Maybe it’s time to make a little pony wall and be real with people. Perhaps you could talk about your fears? Ugh, we just broke out in a cold sweat thinking about it. Forget it, you’re not ready for a remodel.

Trump Brags About Latest Cognitive Test After Crushing Kids Menu Maze

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HAZELTON, Pa. — Former President Trump took time during a campaign rally to brag about successfully completing another cognitive test after finishing the puzzles on a Denny’s kids menu “without any help whatsoever,” dazzled sources confirmed.

“I’m sitting there, in front of me the most beautiful moons over my hammy you’ve ever seen. But I said, I’m not eating until these words are unjumbled,” Trump explained. “They have a picture, it’s a cow, and it says ‘what sound does a cow make?’ Moo, and I got it right away. It was unbelievable. The waitress, really thick woman, said no one had done that before. She was stunned. Even the line cook, who was very busy, by the way, stopped what he was doing. And he came over to shake my hand, with tears in his eyes, and said ‘I want to personally thank you for leading the Grand Slams through the maze to Breakfast Island.”

Denny’s waitress Liana Flores had a different interpretation of the events.

“He went through about 30 menus, but he would crumble each one up and eat it so no one saw his mistakes,” said Flores. “After it became clear he was not going to be able to solve any of the puzzles on his own, one of his handlers approached another table and stole a completed menu from a six-year-old, claiming Trump had verbally ‘classified’ it. He also kept referring to me as ‘Liana Denny.’ I assume Trump thinks everyone who works at Denny’s is also named ‘Denny?’”

A former White House aide who wished to remain anonymous claimed all of Trump’s recent cognitive tests had actually been brain teasers and puzzles for children.

“The truth is, the majority of President Trump’s ‘cognitive’ tests were either printouts from PBS’s website, taken from the back of cereal boxes, or ripped out of a couple of coloring books I picked up at Harris Teeter,” explained the anonymous aide. “Trump was desperate for anything that would show his supposed intelligence. But every time he took a real test, he bombed it like it was a pair of his diapers after 3 Big Macs. We got the idea of using kid’s puzzles after Trump met my son, who asked him ‘how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?’ Trump was so impressed by the tongue twister that he made my 8-year-old Deputy Secretary of Agriculture.”

At press time, several mentally unstable dorks rushed to comment on this very article with some variation of “DURRRR WHADDA ‘BOUT BIDEN???”

The Top Ten Most Underrated Major Label Bands From The ‘90s That Will Always Be Sellouts in Our Eyes

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Major label bands like Metallica, Nirvana, and Pearl Jam ruled the ‘90s rock world with an iron fist, and even independent labels like Epitaph Records and Fat Wreck Chords had acts that sold quite well as, uh, well. However, this piece isn’t about platinum major label acts or indie ones with different colored certifications; it’s a piece wherein we discuss the top ten most underrated major label bands in alphabetical order that for some reason or another didn’t move THAT many units and are thus considered underrated. A few ground rules for you keyboard warriors: No subsidiary labels count, the band had to have released at least one major label from 1990-1999, we have to anger you with our lack of inclusion of your misinformed opinion, and we have to be able to sleep well at night based on our analysis rivaling Stephen Hawking’s “Theory of Relativity”.

All (Interscope Records)

Self righteous? Maybe! Uncle Critic is here to enlighten, uh, ALL. Anyway, while you most certainly know of All, the majority of Earth’s populous simply/sadly does not, and even casual Descendents fans likely did a whoopsie regarding all things, uh, you guessed it, All. “Pummel” is All’s lone major label release via Interscope Records and is the first LP recorded in The Blasting Room, which was the studio for such seminal punk rock bands like Rise Against, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, A Wilhelm Scream, and Puddle of Mudd; you may think that the last band mentioned is false, which is quite “on brand” here, but alas, it isn’t a joke. However, POM is FAR from punk rock, SO that is a funny! What a mouthful; everything is blurry.

Handsome (Epic Records)

Sometimes ‘90s major label bands like Foo Fighters, Green Day, Weezer, and Rage Against the Machine deservedly get fair shakes and a bouquet of flowers from Erewhon. Sometimes ‘90s rockers like Drive Like Jehu, Jawbox, Jawbreaker, and, I don’t know, a band named Jawline or some shit, just don’t. However, those four bands are too influential to be considered underrated, and while Handsome was ahead of their time, you ugly cats and kittens likely missed the boat on the act, at the very least DURING the ‘90s, so it’s here; fight us in the comments. Produced by Terry Date, who later sat behind the boards for Limp Bizkit’s “Significant Other,” Funeral for a Friend’s “Hours,” Dredg’s “Catch Without Arms,” and Gderd’s “Drop With Feet,” Handsome’s lone LP and self-titled one at that, was captured quite well and still sounds great and fresh today. Helmet, Quicksand, and Cro-Mags. Electric Love Hogs? Ride down!

Marvelous 3 (Elektra Records)

Write it on your hand: Butch Walker is definitely NOT an underrated producer/songwriter, as his work Midtown, The Academy Is…, Bowling For Soup, and the Mahavishnu Orchestra speak for themselves, but his Atlanta power trio act Marvelous 3 sure is, despite them having a minor hit in “Freak of the Week.” This inclusion for yours truly and ours deeply contains quite a loophole in that the goofily titled “Hey! Album” was initially released via the incredibly/creatively named Marvelous Records, but juggernaut Elektra Records signed the act, and released the goofily titled “Hey! Album,” and the band re-recorded nearly half of it prior to its major label showcase. Despite being sticklers for bitterness, we can happily announce that the band reformed seventeen years after their 2001 split, and even put out a new LP in 2023!

The Muffs (Warner Bros. Records for their debut AND Reprise Records for its two follow ups)

Say goodbye/let’s start this section with something sad: Southern California’s The Muffs’ lead vocalist, chief songwriter, general badass, AND former Pixies band member Kim Shattuck sadly lost her battle with ALS in 2019, and she is sorely missed by those with musical taste. Sincerely. You likely heard the band’s “Kids in America” cover in “Not Another Teen Movie,” but the band is SO SO much more than that, and you latchkey kids should be ashamed of yourselves. Fun opinion that doubles as a fact: Kim’s screams were ahead of their time and laid the foundation for so many bands you discovered during the Myspace era. Fun rumor that can’t double as a fact unless it can: Green Day signed to Reprise Records because of The Muffs. In closing, hey Nina, from Pasadena, you’ve no ambition and only ever sit around; we DO know why.

Nerf Herder (Arista Records)

Even though this band never truly broke through the mainstream or the minorsteam, the single on Nerf Herder’s lone major label LP known simply as “Nerf Herder” managed to piss off Sammy Hagar; Google it if you don’t believe us even though you know that you do. We’re not the ones who were in a high school hardcore bands, but neither were you, and Nerf Herder’s self-described and perfectly stated style of “geek rock” is for all easy marks, nosering girls, apologetic golf shirts, and Capes of Joey in a Sea of Good Astronauts. Like the aforementioned Marvelous 3, Nerf Herder’s first (and last) major label LP was initially released by an indie label My Records, and Arista Records smartly picked it up, and stupidly failed miserably at breaking it. Sigh. You’re gonna be the one who’s sorry; sorry, Diana.

Puya (MCA)

Likely the most underrated ‘90s major label act here, or one of the most in general, Puya, Puerto Rico’s hybrid aggressive Rico’s/salsa band seemingly took influences from EVERYTHING/EVERYONE all at once. “Fundamental,” the band’s second full length LP, came out in 1999 (baby!) and was their first release on an international label. You fakers definitely missed the boat on this one and we aren’t taking any further questions on the matter; whatever. If you like your vocals in two different languages, this band is for you, and if you don’t, don’t tell anyone. If you had the chance to see the Sno-Core run which came out a year after “Fundamental,” then you saw or missed Puya as the first of four or five bands which also included Mr. Freaking Bungle, Incubus, and System of a Down pre-“Chop Suey!” Keep it simple, and eventually form a union.

The Rentals (Maverick Records)

You naive non-brilliant boys 110% have issue with this leased position, but compared to juggernaut of juggernaut band Weezer, Thr Rentals, bassist Matt Sharp’s eventual side project act that eventually morphed into a full-time act are definitely underrated. Even though it seems it’s all lies, we still believe you should be with us. Anyway, if you want a helping of Weezer’s Eiffel 65 inspired LP with a large helping of moogs, which are pronounced like “vogue,” but we digress, strings, female backup vocals, and rimmed glasses that are now described as “emo,” and listen the act’s debut record, “Return of the Rentals.” Now spin/stream the band’s 1998 sophomore follow-up, “Seven Minutes More,” which is a literal lie in the best manner that sounds like a combination of Blur and Maya Rudolph. FYI: Motion City Soundtrack owe The Rentals a sweaty and dorky hug.

Shades Apart (Universal Records)

Here’s a foolproof formula from us know-it-alls: “American Pie” + Bridgewater Township, New Jersey + Former Revelation Records who went on to sign with a conglomerate on the collared line statistic + Windows Separated By Several Miles = A Major Label misfire that should’ve hit a humongous bullseye… Anyway, “Eyewitness,” Shades Apart’s major label debut and first of two, is twelve tracks of perfection, but it was definitely polarizing amongst the band’s gruff punk rocking the clock fan base; pity as this end result gets stranger by the day. “Second Chances” got literal second chances on “Eyewitness” and if we can successfully travel via Time Machine a la Emmett Lathrup Brown, Ph.D, we would go back to the unproblematic Woodstock ‘99 and hand out SA, and not sexual assault, CD samplers to all of those watching DMX; RIP, Ruff Ryder. Save it, bear eyewitness, and yell into the eternal echo, “SHADES APART”!

Superdrag (Elektra Records)

Like The (aforementioned) Rentals, Knoxville, Tennessee’s rock group of rock groups known as Superdrag is a combination of popular and underrated, and had a similarly successful minor hit themselves, but it didn’t reference P.; it sucked out your feelings and wounds. The band released two perfect major label LPs in the ‘90s, and even released two flawless ones during the ‘00s; the band’s 2009 fifth and final record as of now, “Industry Giants,” is not 100% solid, but there are some good gems on it as well. How “Head Trip in Every Key” didn’t have a similar impact as much worse 1998 records is still behind us, and we blame “Slappy and the Stinkers” and you for such a global gaffe; wrong vs. right doesn’t matter. Bring your karma down and avoid Superdrag; elevator your vibes up, and you will no longer be too dim to explain that.

Zebrahead (Columbia Records)

Imagine if members of 311 formed a more lighthearted punk rock band, and was not raised in America’s breadbasket, and there you have La Habra, California’s Zebrahead. The band’s lone ‘90s major label release and second studio album, “Waste of Mind,” exposed many to retro seats, had a small hit in “Get Back,” did VERY well in Japan, and was successful enough domestically for one more 2000 Columbia Records follow-up, “Playmate of the Year.” Maybe the 1998 Donald Trump reference via “Get Back” in the year of our lord known as 2024 is now a party foul that inspires foul parties, but move on: Take a chance, kid, as others did and are mid. In closing, if you’re afraid to stand alone with literal high praise on this Zebrahead hill, well, now you’re tripping. Walk away.

Sellout? This Woman’s Parents Are Proud of Her

Posted on by Dom Turek

The incidents that signify the end of a punk’s life are varied, unpredictable, and often smelly, but there is no discharge from the scene as humiliating and dishonorable as having your parents utter the four most cred-destroying words in the English dictionary, “We’re proud of you.”

It’s hard to believe the same fatigue-clad woman I saw drinking shots called Montezuma’s Revenge out of a bowling shoe in exchange for unlimited jukebox rights is the same woman her father now calls the “apple of his eye.” I wonder if she wrote Sarah “Subhuman” Higgins on the cover letter she used to land her cushy new advertising job, or instead opted for something more corporate-friendly.

Any true punk will tell you that receiving a promotion within the 9-to-5 world is actually seen as a demotion in terms of integrity and autonomy, so I can only imagine how secretly disappointed in herself she must have been when she was promoted from an administrative assistant to chief creative officer of a major magazine within just a year. You can’t tell me the poser-itis doesn’t eat away at her while she and her husband drink delicious protein-based smoothies and map out plans to install heated bathroom floors.

When I knew Sarah “Subhuman” Higgins, her only instruments of foreplay were a rubber paddle and spiked heals, but word on the street is that she’s traded it all in for a guy named Milton who has probably never even shed a drop of blood in a church hall punk show. If you lack the subcultural wherewithal to discuss local scene beef and that time Cro-Mags played in the park, how are you supposed to get your woman aroused?

God forbid my parents, step-parents, or any of the myriad of neighbors who helped to raise me dared to say “I’m proud of you,” and wrapped me in a warm hug, I would break their arms and put them in a sleeper hold. Lucky for them, I’ve never been remotely close to encountering such a situation.

Elder Millennial Enters “Start Every Conversation by Describing Most Recent Injury” Phase of Lifecycle

Posted on by James Knapp

TONAWANDA, N.Y. — 39-year-old Kyle Lowe recently began a new and horrifying phase of his adulthood where he now almost exclusively begins any interaction by describing some sort of pain or illness he’s currently experiencing, sources who all of a sudden have this thing going on with their sciatica confirmed.

“I don’t know what happened. It’s like one minute I’m a spry young whippersnapper treating my body with reckless abandon and the next I’m being quoted on record using the word ‘whippersnapper,’” explained Lowe. “The other day a friend of mine in their twenties asked me how I was doing and I spent half an hour making crunching noises with my mouth to simulate what my knee sounded like after I stepped on an uneven sidewalk two weeks ago. It’s like I’m trapped in some kind of fragile old-person hell.”

Geriatrician Margery Pampalampa, MD., gave a medical perspective on Mr. Lowe’s conversational development.

“This phase is a natural part of the human lifecycle. Just because the vast majority of millennials still can’t afford health insurance doesn’t mean they don’t age the same as previous generations,” began Pampalampa. “Frankly, I’m glad that it is natural for human beings to, at a certain point, start every conversation with talk about their medical failings. It’s good training for when they come into my office and have to explain what stupid thing they did to injure themselves.”

Despite most professionals’ optimism in regards to aging, very, very, very old man Jefferson Crackers affirmed that everything only gets so much worse from here.

“Oh boy. You think it’s bad now? Wait until you hit the point when you start every conversation by mentioning which of your friends died that week,” hooted Mr. Crackers while slipping into a bathtub filled with Bengay. “All you can really hope for is that nothing really horrifically embarrassing happens to you, because you will still talk about any injury regardless. That’s how everyone found out I had to have my wooden butt replaced with an aluminum one after those dern beavers wouldn’t stop chewing on it.”

At press time, Lowe was seen taking a deep interest in comparing ankle braces, which he does not yet need but feels that “you can never be too careful.”

Opinion: I Think I’m Finally Ready to Waste My Time and Become a Casualty of Society

Posted on by Ryan Clark

Looking back on my life I’ve realized that I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But these are the things you learn about yourself when storming through your forties like your name is El Niño.

One thing I’ve changed my mind about is the value of owning property. I once trashed my own house party because nobody came. If I knew that in 20 years that the house would have been worth roughly $1.2 million, I would have been a little more hesitant about doing grabbing my skateboard and doing 50-50 grinds down my stairway banister. Those trucks left serious gouges in the wood and destroyed the wood’s finish.

Another thing I’ve learned is I should be kinder to the elderly. I used to laugh when I saw an old person fall But then I took an awkward step off a curb and let me tell you, there is nothing funny about it. It was three years ago and my left knee still hasn’t been the same.

No matter what you do with your life one day you are going to realize that you are old. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’m sick of my diabetes monitoring patch beeping at me to “Act my age”!

Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, consequences and responsibility have been thrusted upon me. I’ve had countless trips to HR for having fun at other people’s expense. When my daughter asked me when I was picking her up from soccer practice I told her “Don’t count on me, to let you know when.” Turns out that wasn’t an appropriate answer. And now my wife is mad at me, cuz I’m not listenin’.

I’m now living with the ramifications of having a conscience so small. Huffing gas and drinking to proportion are not skill sets that get you far in life. Being raised on heavy metal and mullets is doing nothing for my retirement plan. I’m starting to agree with my mom’s doctor when he said that she should have had an abortion.