Press "Enter" to skip to content

Opinion: I Think I’m Finally Ready to Waste My Time and Become a Casualty of Society

Looking back on my life I’ve realized that I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But these are the things you learn about yourself when storming through your forties like your name is El Niño.

One thing I’ve changed my mind about is the value of owning property. I once trashed my own house party because nobody came. If I knew that in 20 years that the house would have been worth roughly $1.2 million, I would have been a little more hesitant about doing grabbing my skateboard and doing 50-50 grinds down my stairway banister. Those trucks left serious gouges in the wood and destroyed the wood’s finish.

Another thing I’ve learned is I should be kinder to the elderly. I used to laugh when I saw an old person fall But then I took an awkward step off a curb and let me tell you, there is nothing funny about it. It was three years ago and my left knee still hasn’t been the same.

No matter what you do with your life one day you are going to realize that you are old. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’m sick of my diabetes monitoring patch beeping at me to “Act my age”!

Regardless of whether I wanted it or not, consequences and responsibility have been thrusted upon me. I’ve had countless trips to HR for having fun at other people’s expense. When my daughter asked me when I was picking her up from soccer practice I told her “Don’t count on me, to let you know when.” Turns out that wasn’t an appropriate answer. And now my wife is mad at me, cuz I’m not listenin’.

I’m now living with the ramifications of having a conscience so small. Huffing gas and drinking to proportion are not skill sets that get you far in life. Being raised on heavy metal and mullets is doing nothing for my retirement plan. I’m starting to agree with my mom’s doctor when he said that she should have had an abortion.