TONAWANDA, N.Y. — 39-year-old Kyle Lowe recently began a new and horrifying phase of his adulthood where he now almost exclusively begins any interaction by describing some sort of pain or illness he’s currently experiencing, sources who all of a sudden have this thing going on with their sciatica confirmed.
“I don’t know what happened. It’s like one minute I’m a spry young whippersnapper treating my body with reckless abandon and the next I’m being quoted on record using the word ‘whippersnapper,’” explained Lowe. “The other day a friend of mine in their twenties asked me how I was doing and I spent half an hour making crunching noises with my mouth to simulate what my knee sounded like after I stepped on an uneven sidewalk two weeks ago. It’s like I’m trapped in some kind of fragile old-person hell.”
Geriatrician Margery Pampalampa, MD., gave a medical perspective on Mr. Lowe’s conversational development.
“This phase is a natural part of the human lifecycle. Just because the vast majority of millennials still can’t afford health insurance doesn’t mean they don’t age the same as previous generations,” began Pampalampa. “Frankly, I’m glad that it is natural for human beings to, at a certain point, start every conversation with talk about their medical failings. It’s good training for when they come into my office and have to explain what stupid thing they did to injure themselves.”
Despite most professionals’ optimism in regards to aging, very, very, very old man Jefferson Crackers affirmed that everything only gets so much worse from here.
“Oh boy. You think it’s bad now? Wait until you hit the point when you start every conversation by mentioning which of your friends died that week,” hooted Mr. Crackers while slipping into a bathtub filled with Bengay. “All you can really hope for is that nothing really horrifically embarrassing happens to you, because you will still talk about any injury regardless. That’s how everyone found out I had to have my wooden butt replaced with an aluminum one after those dern beavers wouldn’t stop chewing on it.”
At press time, Lowe was seen taking a deep interest in comparing ankle braces, which he does not yet need but feels that “you can never be too careful.”