HAZELTON, Pa. — Former President Trump took time during a campaign rally to brag about successfully completing another cognitive test after finishing the puzzles on a Denny’s kids menu “without any help whatsoever,” dazzled sources confirmed.
“I’m sitting there, in front of me the most beautiful moons over my hammy you’ve ever seen. But I said, I’m not eating until these words are unjumbled,” Trump explained. “They have a picture, it’s a cow, and it says ‘what sound does a cow make?’ Moo, and I got it right away. It was unbelievable. The waitress, really thick woman, said no one had done that before. She was stunned. Even the line cook, who was very busy, by the way, stopped what he was doing. And he came over to shake my hand, with tears in his eyes, and said ‘I want to personally thank you for leading the Grand Slams through the maze to Breakfast Island.”
Denny’s waitress Liana Flores had a different interpretation of the events.
“He went through about 30 menus, but he would crumble each one up and eat it so no one saw his mistakes,” said Flores. “After it became clear he was not going to be able to solve any of the puzzles on his own, one of his handlers approached another table and stole a completed menu from a six-year-old, claiming Trump had verbally ‘classified’ it. He also kept referring to me as ‘Liana Denny.’ I assume Trump thinks everyone who works at Denny’s is also named ‘Denny?’”
A former White House aide who wished to remain anonymous claimed all of Trump’s recent cognitive tests had actually been brain teasers and puzzles for children.
“The truth is, the majority of President Trump’s ‘cognitive’ tests were either printouts from PBS’s website, taken from the back of cereal boxes, or ripped out of a couple of coloring books I picked up at Harris Teeter,” explained the anonymous aide. “Trump was desperate for anything that would show his supposed intelligence. But every time he took a real test, he bombed it like it was a pair of his diapers after 3 Big Macs. We got the idea of using kid’s puzzles after Trump met my son, who asked him ‘how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?’ Trump was so impressed by the tongue twister that he made my 8-year-old Deputy Secretary of Agriculture.”
At press time, several mentally unstable dorks rushed to comment on this very article with some variation of “DURRRR WHADDA ‘BOUT BIDEN???”