Punk Coming off Six Day Acid Trip Suddenly Realizes He’s at Bat During Last Inning of Intramural Softball Game for Company He Doesn’t Work For

Posted on by James Knapp

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — New Jersey-based punk, and massive acid enthusiast, Lionel “Tabby” Winnet is reportedly “confused but going with it” upon finding himself at bat during the ninth inning of an intramural softball game with the championship on the line, weirdly focused sources confirmed.

“Man, I have no idea how I got here. The last thing I remember was picking up a fresh ten-strip at Bunster’s house in Paramus, that was Monday. Next thing I know I’m sunburned, dehydrated, and wearing a softball uniform while some guy from accounts receivable is telling me to ‘choke up.’ It’s like, dude, I know how to hold a bat,” said Winnet as he nervously made his way to the plate. “I’ve learned it’s always better to lean into your trip and try to focus on the positives. Like the fact that we’ve got two men on base and only need one more run to win this thing. Fuck yeah! I’m putting this softball through someone’s fucking windshield.”

Jack Guttier, third baseman for the Corn Hens and junior sales rep for the team’s sponsor company Volunteer Tire Rodeo LLC, expressed concern over Winnet’s participation in the game.

“I have no idea where this kid came from. I thought I saw him sleeping in a bush at the start of the game and now he’s batting cleanup and our entire season is riding on his shoulders,” said Guttier through a chaw full of Budweiser-soaked Skoal. “We played our balls off for the last six weeks to get to the playoffs just to have this ringer show up last minute. It’s like ‘Bad News Bears’ if that motorcycle kid they got to play kept muttering about government helicopters and wouldn’t stop trying to kiss everyone.”

Baseball historian and ayahuasca aficionado, Sam “He Who Bats With Two Long Ones” Jones, explained the connection between America’s pastime and copious narcotics consumption.

“Sometimes the ball is just bigger when you’re winning!” proclaimed Jones, eyes dilated to the point of shark pupil consistency. “Drugs have played a part in many notable moments in baseball history, from the game Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on acid to the time a coked-up Cal Ripkin Jr. crushed a batting helmet between his bare hands. That’s just baseball! If you aren’t playing fucked up then you aren’t really playing at all.”

At press time, Winnet attempted to pull a Babe Ruth by pointing to the outfield but became terrified when he believed his outstretched arm expanding so fast it was going to crash into the sun.

Millennial Dad’s “The Talk” Almost Entirely About Getting Pegged

Posted on by James Knapp

SEATTLE — Thirty-seven-year-old father Peter Goodman recently sat down with his son, Jamiroquai, to explain the intimate mechanics of sexual maturity, which by Goodman’s description consists almost exclusively of graphic anal penetration, sources who think they really nailed this conversation confirmed.

“I put a lot of thought into how to approach this talk with my son. I tried to think of all the things I wished my dad would have told me about love and sex, instead of just beating me with a pillowcase full of hymnals like he did,” explained Goodman. “I think it’s important that kids get a real-world education when it comes to these things. They need to know that when a man and a woman love each other very much, she straps a big rubber cock to the front of her pelvis and really lubes that fucker up and tries to cut her lover in half. The birds and the bees ain’t what they used to be anymore.”

Jamiroquai was far less enthusiastic about the recent educational dialogue.

“I already knew all this stuff and I just wanted him to get out of my room,” said Jamiroquai while updating his TikTok channel, @Woke_Nippleplay_Pranks_666. “I grew up with a WiFi signal in my fucking crib — does dad really think he’s gonna tell me anything I haven’t seen blasted through an iPad screen before. Shit, based on the quality of that super weird talk he tried to have with me, I might actually be able to give him some advice.”

“I’ll just tell him to check out my other Instagram page, @Pegging.Pointers.69,” Jamiroquai added.

Developmental psychologist Heather Gueint explained the generational evolution of awkward father-son sex talks.

“‘The Talk’ is more of a rite of passage than it is an actual informational exchange. Parents need to feel like they’ve adequately prepared their kids to go out into the sexual world, and kids need to be reminded that they should always be a little bit ashamed of themselves,” said Gueint, a self-described ‘sexpert.’ “Pegging is basically mainstream now. It would have been irresponsible and alienating if [Goodson] hadn’t at least mentioned it. Still though, this will ultimately have little tangible effect on his child who is likely already figuring out which melons feel best to masturbate with after being lightly microwaved.”

At press time, Mrs. Goodson was preparing to explain menstruation to her adolescent daughter with a dramatic reading of ‘The Vagina Monologues.’

Stranger Things Making Americans Nostalgic for Time When Nation Was On Brink of Global War, Ruled by Senile President, Dominated by Conservative, Pro-Life Discourse

Posted on by Freelancer

LOS ANGELES — The completion of the fourth season of “Stranger Things” left Americans yearning for a simpler time when the nation was led by a senile man, engaged in an proxy war with Russia, and regressing into a dystopian right-wing hellhole, starry-eyed viewers confirmed.

“This show makes me wish I had been a kid in the ‘80s. The style back then is nothing like what’s around today,” said 22-year-old visual artist Alana Mattsfield. “I mean, freaking Kate Bush and Metallica were, like, trending. Everyone was rocking a mullet, ‘Top Gun’ was playing in the cinemas, the president was stumbling in his press conferences, and crazy evangelicals were trying to force their will upon public schools. It all just seemed so quaint.”

52-year old warehouse manager Kevin Holmes echoed the statement, finding solace in the show’s aestheticization of the bygone days of his youth.

“I went to high school around the same time that the ‘Stranger Things’ gang, and watching the show is definitely a major throwback. That time period was seriously just the best, Me and my friends were pretty much exactly like those kids,” said Holmes. “Of course, I didn’t have to deal with all the supernatural stuff. And the show doesn’t get into the long-term psychological effects of Cold War propaganda. Also, the Hawkins kid’s small town wasn’t devastated by Reagan’s disastrous economic policies. And sure, Dustin’s dad never got drunk and beat him with his Atari 2600 controller. But otherwise my life was pretty much just like ‘Stranger Things.’”

Indiana University’s Nostalgia Studies professor Debbie Michaels confirmed that a surge in the show’s viewership is indicative of a nation-wide yearning for the time period.

“Like a fashion trend, nostalgia is a cyclical collective experience,” Michaels explains. “‘Stranger Things’ is a neon-drenched Americana fever dream that perfectly encapsulates what Americans love about the ‘80s without all the icky, uncomfortable stuff we’d rather not remember. So for instance, now we can have our cake, in this case LGBTQ characters, and eat it too, aka not including any mention of the AIDs crisis. It’s a win-win for everyone except for those who don’t want to whitewash history.”

At press time, prop masters were spotted carrying populist election signs into the Netflix studio lot ahead of the principal photography of the series’ fifth season.

I Don’t Think My Therapist Actually Bothered To Listen to That Mixtape I Made Them

Posted on by James Knapp

I went into my therapy session this week grinning ear to ear. I felt more connected to my therapist than ever and I knew we were about to start making some major progress. Yet when I made reference to my “Lover in the Snow,” my therapist asked if I was talking about my ex I broke up with last winter. Ya know, I’m beginning to think my therapist didn’t actually listen to the mixtape I made them.

That asshole! I spent all morning trying to figure out where you can still buy blank tape anymore. In the end, I just recorded everything over top of an old Hootie and the Blowfish cassette I found under my basement sink. Also, these songs are my soul! Fuck that!

At first I thought maybe they only listened to side A, which is mostly Hawthorne Heights songs I got by holding the recorder up to the speaker of my roommate’s 2002 Corolla. But when I made another mixtape reference, they asked if my ex had moved back to Ohio. I guess that tells me all I need to know what “fancy big business therapist” thinks about our relationship.

Hell, those weren’t even the deep cuts that I was afraid they might not get right away but hoped they’d eventually come around to understanding what a sensitive and poetic soul I am.

Side B kicked off with Braid, followed by some of Rivers Cuomo’s solo stuff, then a few songs I wrote back in high school and originally recorded on my sister’s Furby, and finally wrapped up with a Hootie and the Blowfish track because I fucked up the dub somehow and couldn’t record over that part.

Sometimes it feels like no one really understands me. Not even the professional who I pay in Venmo credit and who also doesn’t listen to my goddamn emotions through the power of obsolete electronics. Fuck this. If they can’t be bothered to listen to my mixtape, then I’m not gonna listen to them going on and on about “projecting” and “unhealthy coping mechanisms” and whatever.

Mitch McConnell Spends Week In Hotel While Coffin Is Reupholstered

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly spent the week in a luxurious DC hotel while the coffin he sleeps in was re-lined, creeped-out hotel staff confirmed.

“Yes, it is true that I do sleep in a coffin,” said the Kentucky senator from his darkened hotel suite, while enjoying a tall glass of what was presumably tomato juice. “I’m simply very sensitive to light. I need a pitch-black environment to sleep in, and blackout curtains just don’t do enough to keep UV light from burning my skin. The frankly offensive suggestion that I am some kind of vampire or unholy creature of the night is patently absurd. Honestly, I would laugh if my facial anatomy didn’t prohibit such expressions of joviality.”

Upholsterer Grant Coombs of Woodbine, Virginia often caters to high-end clientele and was hired by McConnell to refresh the casket in question.

“Senator McConnell’s got a really nice coffin,” said Coombs. “A real classic brought over from the old world. Of course, over time, the lining in these things wears out and needs to be replaced. I’ve seen it all: claw marks, blood and adrenochrome stains… those things are hell on fine velvet and taffeta. But the senator is a great customer. He’ll even come by the shop in person when he needs something done. Of course, I make sure there aren’t any kids around when he shows up because he gets this sort of ravenous, wild-eyed look around ‘em. Starts frothing at the mouth a bit.”

Noted cryptozoologist Tad Van Helsing has had suspicions about Senator McConnell’s true nature for some time.

“No, the senator is not a vampire. At least not in the traditional sense. My research leads me to believe that he is some sort of heretofore unknown malevolent ghoul that delights in and feeds off of the suffering of others,” said Van Helsing. “That would certainly explain his policy decisions. Currently, I’m working on a device that should expose the creature’s true form, if I can get close enough to use it. Once McConnell is revealed to be the detestable monster he actually is, perhaps the people of Kentucky will finally stop voting for him… Ah, who am I kidding? They won’t give a fuck.”

The always-busy Coombs was already working on his next project for another high-profile customer: Senator Lindsey Graham tasked him with reupholstering his Herman Miller sofa, which had been heavily soiled by a number of undisclosed substances during a recent bacchanalian soiree.

I’m America Sober: No Drugs or Alcohol but Shoot Someone Every 15 Minutes

Posted on by Tracy Kellett

Let’s face it, we have a problem here in America, and it’s spiraling out of control. We see it on the news every day, a disgusting epidemic that is impacting all of us, running rampant everywhere from our schools, grocery stores, hell even our churches. I know it goes without saying, but I’m obviously talking about alcohol and drug abuse.

I did my part and finally broke free from the chains of addiction in the most American way possible: skipping rehab, thereby saving thousands in insurance premiums, and buying an ArmaLite AR-15 on credit with Bass Pro Shop instead.

Now, in the moments I’d usually be lighting up a blunt alone in my basement while watching Strongbad on the wayback machine I just shoot someone every 15 minutes.

I know what you’re thinking — America sober? Like, not even a little weed now and then? You heard correct. I’m not some weak millennial who is trying to numb her legitimate pain from watching the world catch fire with narcotics anymore. Nor am I in the business of waiting around 45 minutes to see if the lemon poppyseed muffin my buddy Thad sold me at a gas station is going to kick in. I’m clean, strapped, and have minimal time to kill before I, well, kill.

I never even knew shooting hundreds of strangers on a daily, let alone hourly basis was even possible. I had resigned myself to smashing claws with my bruhs safely, in the comfort of my own home for the rest of my life. But America truly is the land of limitless, lawless possibilities, and once I realized you could buy ammo in bulk for dirt cheap the same way you could buy an 18 pack of Bud Light Lime-a-Ritas but without killing myself in the process, I was sold.

Now not only is my head clearer than it’s ever been, but I’ve also dropped those pesky 20 pounds I’ve been carrying around since college. I even made friends with my one neighbor who has Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” as his alarm ringtone.

Please don’t think I’m trying to shame those still struggling with addiction. Cold turkey isn’t for everyone. But I am living proof that you can channel those feelings of withdrawal into something more productive, or at the very least, more socially acceptable here in the states.

Feeling angry? You can take in a show at your local comedy club and knock out 4 shootings in one hour. Got the shakes? Go somewhere crowded. Amusement parks always have lines, and not just the kind I used to do before dropping off DoorDash orders.

I know it’s not for everybody, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that recreationally taking lives has literally saved my life.

Bassist Begins Head Nod Training at Local Gym

Posted on by Freelancer

PHOENIX, AZ – Local bassist Winston Crowe of punk band Sloppyfoot hit the gym to begin a new head nod training regimen which he hopes will take his live performances to the next level, sources who weren’t sure if he had the upper body strength to even get started confirmed.

“The $250 a month gym membership is totally worth it if it means I can finally attain some semblance of a stage presence as a result,” said Crowe while fixing himself a protein shake after a training session. “My personal trainer said it could take weeks if not months to hit my ideal head nod fitness goals. And while I’m already sore from the 15 minutes of work we did today, I can already feel my neck muscles getting ripped. Sure, I’ve been neglecting every other single body part in the gym, but that’s only because I don’t want to come across as one of those punks who cares about their health. I have an image to uphold.”

Frontman Jimmy Jackman appeared supportive of his bandmate’s can-do attitude.

“That guy is as motionless as a redwood tree on stage, so I’m excited that he’s finally doing something about it,” said Jackman while doing bicep curls to strengthen his microphone-lifting muscles. “I mean, when you’re on stage you can’t just stand there with your feet glued to a suspiciously sticky venue floor. You have to move around and at least appear somewhat energetic. But let’s be honest, we don’t want him to get too aggressive with his moves on stage. After all, I’m the star of the show so the crowd obviously has to focus on me. Nondescript head nods should be his goal and nothing more.”

Music historian Dara Greener has long studied the stage behavior of bassists.

“There’s a number of go-to moves that bassists prefer to use, but the head nod is an absolute classic,” said Greener. “Just think of all your favorite bass players throughout music history. Can’t think of any, right? That’s actually pretty normal. In that case, just think of Flea’s high energy on stage and picture the opposite of that for all other bassists. He’s kind of the exception. That’s because he played trumpet first. Trumpet players are known to go ape-shit on stage.”

At press time, Crowe ditched the training regimen altogether in favor of doing “head nod yoga” at home but continued to pay the outlandish monthly gym membership fee after failing to figure out how to cancel it.

This Band Was Better When I Was Still in It

Posted on by James Knapp

This band used to really rock. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even think they’re all that bad now. It’s just that their old stuff was way better when I, Smitty the bagpipes player, was still in the mix.

It’s not that I’m bitter or regretful that I’m not in the band anymore. I just honestly believe that this band was way better when they had their original lineup. Sure, music taste is subjective and this is just one absolute Adonis of a man’s opinion. But can’t we all agree on the indisputable fact that bagpipes are the heart and soul of freeform nu metal?

Again, it’s not that they’re bad now, per se. We just split due to creative differences as well as them changing all the locks on our practice space. I don’t want to knock them too hard though. I’m still open to the possibility of side projects.

The drummer and I had great chemistry in the way he would always make contact with the same spot on my skull when he threw his sticks at me and told me to fuck off during practice. Or our didgeridoo player. He got kicked out of the band the same day I did so he’s probably free to collab with.

Basically, these guys really aren’t half bad. But I just feel like they could be so much more. If only I could get in there for one or two more toots of the bag. Then they’d see. I really know how to lay down some pipe.

The Hard Times Submission Process

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Want to write for The Hard Times?

We accept freelance pitches all the time. What we like to see is a knowledge of the punk scene, subculture, and topics that our audience can relate to. Send your packet to ideas@thehardtimes.net and keep reading for more info.

Send us 5 satire headlines and if we like what we see we will add you to our pitch group and you can start writing for us. Don’t be afraid to send multiple submissions if you don’t hear back the first time.

We get a lot of pitches so sometimes it can be tough to stand out from the pack. But we look forward to seeing what you come up with.

Maybe satirical headlines aren’t your thing but you have a deep knowledge of music and love a good list. Well, we’ve also begun posting more joke lists like…

100 Band Logos Ranked by How Much Better We Think They Are Than the Mona Lisa

Every Boss Pedal and Which Band Its Owners Desperately Wish They Were In

50 Famous Lead Singers Ranked by How Good of a Roommate I Think They’d Be

And we want to get more of those ideas, but shorter (these ones are super long). Pitch us some of those too!

Diehard Weezer Fan Eaten by Shark During Morning Commute

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

BELMAR, N.J. — The partial remains of self-proclaimed Weezer fanatic, Lance Figaro, were found washed up on the beach after it was suspected he was attacked and eaten by a bull shark while commuting to work via surfboard, traumatized beach rats confirmed.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened,” stated first-responder Harmony McRae. “These Weezer fans, Weezels, if you will, are always trying to ditch their car and surf to work. With rising fuel prices they think they can financially remain afloat but they don’t take into account that this sea is unforgiving and rolls like a thousand-pound keg. If you ask me, Rivers Cuomo has blood on his hands, and with how many jellyfish stings I have treated, pee on his leg too. Rivers has repeatedly tried to deny any wrongdoing, but if you ask me, these people should stay in their garages where it’s safe. Where they belong.”

Figaro’s co-worker at the beachside Twistee-Freeze, Skeeter Olsen, expressed explicit grief for the late co-worker.

“If I’m being real dude, I like totally wish he hadn’t been eaten by that shark,” a teary-eyed Olsen stated. “Don’t get me wrong, it definitely sucked to work with him since he was rarely on time and was either soaking wet or really stinky, but I’ve been working doubles for like a fuckin’ week dude. I miss seeing that dude show up with his surfboard in hand. Stinky or not, it always meant it was time for me to go home.”

“That could have been me, man. I guess it’s lucky I drive a car to work instead,” Olsen added.

Marine biologists across the east coast have warned the shark populations are experiencing undue stress under the current deluge of Weezer fans commuting themselves via tasty waves.

“There is no other way to put this; surfing to work is damaging these harmless and misunderstood creatures,” said Shelby Armstrong, the lead researcher at Adventure Aquarium. “A bull shark’s diet is carefully tailored to the fish it can run up onshore. Weezer fans have proven to be both tastier and easier to catch than the local fauna. It’s caused a major disruption in the shark’s migration patterns. Not to mention the plastic waste from the Buddy Holly glasses these people wear, it adds up to an ecological disaster.”

At press time, roommates of Figaro, are unsure how they will explain their friend’s death to his 18-year-old girlfriend who lives in a small city in Japan.