People call whiskey a crutch, but through the good times, the bad times, and the boring times, it’s more of a companion. So when this psychiatrist started throwing around hip new buzzwords like “self-medicating“, I was like, “Okay buddy, maybe I’ll stop doing your job for you if you grow some stones and write me a whiskey ‘scrip!”
Whatever your poison, these shrinks are all just pissed off that we can cope without them. At first, I was flattered that he thought of me as a medical professional, self-administering shots of Jack, but soon his tone of judgment and disapproval became clear.
Oh, so the drug I chose is bad, but you just so happen to have the magic pill?! Sounds a little infomercial-y to me.
How can you have a problem with whiskey when I wouldn’t have been able to bring up these so-called “issues” in our sessions without it?
Sometimes I’m not even “self” medicating at all. One time, at this Tiger Tits show, the singer shot whiskey into my mouth with a super soaker. More got in my eyes than in my mouth, but still, Dr. Tiger Tits knew what I needed. Sometimes a bartender starts pouring that shit straight into my mouth. Relax you COVID nuts, I don’t suck from it like a calf anymore… I open-throat it like a baby bird!
Sure, like any great medication whisky has negative side effects. Side effects that I believe would be far less severe if this quack stopped forcing do down Jack Daniels every god damned day a prescribed me clean, medical grade whisky, produced in a proper lab.
I just don’t get why it’s so all-or-nothing with whiskey. Like, if you think I drink too much, take your little pad out and prescribe me a regimented intake. When I wake up in cold sweat from a stressful dream, one shot. When I’m scrambling to get the kids fed and out the door for school, and now I’m rushing to work without showering or brushing my teeth, two shots! When a mental health professional diagnoses me with clinical depression and wants to turn me into some pill popper, three shots!
You can write it out in milliliters or CCs to keep it “professional” or whatever. Just nut the fuck up and do it already, my kids have soccer tonight!