“Big Fan” Whispers Every Cop Walking By Andrew Tate’s Jail Cell

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BUCHAREST, Romania — Law enforcement officers detaining controversial online influencer, misogynist, and sex trafficker Andrew Tate reportedly keep whispering “big fan” every time they walk by his cell, confirmed multiple sources.

“It’s not every day we get a real-life celebrity in our jail,” said Police Chief Simon Puscas. “Every police officer I know subscribes to his YouTube channel so I’m just hoping his lawyer will let him talk to us because my wife has really been riding my ass lately and I’d love his advice on how to handle her. We even have officers from other precincts coming over to make sure he’s comfortable. Mr. Tate can rest assured that as long as he is within these walls we will do whatever we can to help him, it’s a shame that women are trying to drag down someone who empowers men to buy his online course for as little as $49.”

Tate, who was arrested last night on human trafficking and rape charges, has been surprised by how well police are treating him.

“Yeah mate, I’ve signed more autographs in the last eight hours than I can count. And each one of these cops keeps apologizing for arresting me. It’s nice to know I can reach so many people,” said Tate from his prison cell. “I got moved to this really nice cell with a great view of downtown, a big flat-screen tv, and they let me keep my phone. This is almost like a little vacation. I’m even planning on doing a little talk tonight about how all cops embody the warrior spirit and how they should be rewarded with as many women as they want.”

Critics of Tate were happy to see him arrested but worry he will not be held accountable.

“The evidence against Andrew and his brother is pretty overwhelming, but even that wasn’t enough to have them officially arrested and charged. They are only being held for questioning,” said Emelie Haas, a popular left-wing podcaster. “They will both get off, they will both go back to being scumbags, and now they will even have people in law enforcement watching their backs. It’s a shit system, you just have to hope he crashes one of his cars into a telephone pole.”

At press time, police officers encouraged Tate to use the precinct phone to prank call Greta Thunberg.

REPORT: Unclear if Friend of 10 Years Actually Likes You

Posted on by Tim Sheard

PRINCETON, N.J. – Researchers at Princeton University concluded a nearly decade-long project which yielded inconclusive results regarding whether your long-time friend Charlotte Palmerro actually likes you or not.

“We were hoping for a better outcome, but sadly we could not determine whether Ms. Palmerro is an ‘actual friend’ or just a person that tries to stay on your good side for selfish purposes. We looked at social media posts, photos where both of you are tagged, interviewed countless mutuals and we came up empty,” said lead researcher Dr. Jane Waters. “Frankly, all of your deepest, darkest fears that she’s just using you for your Netflix login, or proximity to your hot-as-hell brother could very well be true. This was one of those days where science doesn’t give us the answers we want to hear.”

Palmerro seemed completely unphased by the findings which were made public earlier this week.

“I’m sorry, what? Everyone is so obsessed with me lately. Yeah, friendship evolves over time and that’s just normal. No, we don’t go to the bar every Friday and get drunk as we used to in college, but that’s because we have real jobs now and can’t waste our time with crap like that,” said Palmerro while posting a photo of you two where you had your eyes close and looked like you were in the middle of saying the word “potato.” “It’s weird that this is even up for debate, I flew across the country and surprised her for her 25th Birthday?! I had to use three PTO days!”

You remain hopeful that science will be able to provide the answers about your friendship with Palmerro.

“I’ll be honest. I’m a little disappointed with the results. Sure, Charlotte sat by my bedside for 13 days straight while I learned how to walk again after the car accident, but she also didn’t post a single Insta story of me during that entire time. Not a single TAG! But ya know what? Ten years of friendship clearly doesn’t confirm if someone likes you anymore,” you said while rewatching Palmerro’s latest TikTok video for the 30th time. “Thank god I cut her out, honestly! I’ve never been better–my new bestie is the barista down the street who said she can drive me to my endoscopy on Wednesday. And already promised to put it on Instagram! Like a TRUE friend!”

At press time, researchers shifted their focus to determine whether of not your ex-boyfriend still thinks about you.

Punk Afraid He Peaked in GED Certification Class

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NASHUA, N.H. — Local punk Andreas Howell expressed dismay that his best days were behind him and lamented the fact he may have peaked during the 12 weeks he was taking night classes to receive his GED, confirmed sources trying to reassure him about his bright future.

“I was king of that adult education class, I really was. I’d show up on my moped and all the other classmates would sit in awe of it while I locked it to the bike rack,” said Howell while looking through “graduation” photos. “The drummer of my band was the janitor in the building so sometimes I’d cut class and go get high with him in the parking lot. It really was the best quarter of a year I’d ever had. Not a care in the world other than the fact the class was court-ordered and if I didn’t get my GED it would be a violation of my probation.”

Howell’s long-term girlfriend Rosa Escudero says she is constantly being told stories of the three months he spent at the adult education annex.

“I’m going to snap the next time he tells me about the time he convinced the entire class to turn their desks backward. Like, who fucking cares? He was 31 years old when he took that class, I don’t know why he thinks that’s a funny anecdote,” said Escudero. “Then there is the fact he happened to win the March Madness bracket the class started. It was complete luck, but he talks about it like he was a starter for Duke. Maybe I’ll sign him up for a ceramics class or something so he can feel like he’s reliving his glory days instead of moping around all the time.”

Sociologist Lara Hsu says punks always romanticize the past and believe their best days are in the rearview mirror.

“Ask any punk and they will always say ‘the scene was better ten years ago.’ This attitude carries over to all aspects of a punk’s life. They often think their current band sucks, venues are getting worse, and that cocaine just isn’t as strong,” said Hsu. “But nostalgia is a powerful drug in itself. Some punks never learn to live in the present, they become the old guy that sits at home writing Facebook comments on photos of Joe Strummer that say ‘we need to bring back real punk’ and other stupid vague shit that has no real meaning.”

At press time, Howell was telling a group of disinterested friends about the time he tossed a wadded-up ball of paper into the wastebasket all the way from the back of the room one second before the bell rang.

Photo by Sean Moriarty.

Netflix Still Trying to Convince Tim Burton That Jenna Ortega Was a Better Pick for Wednesday Addams Than Johnny Depp

Posted on by Chris Taaffe

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix producers are banging their heads in frustration regarding producer Tim Burton’s insistence that Johnny Depp should have gotten the lead role in “Wednesday,” exhausted sources confirmed.

“When Tim first brought up the idea of casting Johnny Depp as Wednesday Addams I thought he was joking,” recalls executive producer Miles Miller. “Slowly, I realized that he was actually serious. We had a few arguments and eventually cast Jenna, but he just won’t let it go. Even with season one already released, he honestly thinks we can just recast Depp, a middle-aged fedora enthusiast, to play the titular teenager for season two. I don’t understand what his obsession with Johnny Depp is. We have the same conversation several times a week, and I keep telling him that a man in his late fifties simply won’t pass for a high school girl.”

Burton’s fixation on Johnny Depp has not only caused tension with show producers. Members of the cast reported feeling fed up as well.

“Oh my god, if I have to hear about Johnny Depp from him one more time I’m going to lose it,” states “Wednesday” star Jenna Ortega. “I mean, when we were on set all I heard was ‘That’s not how Johnny would do it’ and ‘Johnny usually does this’ or ‘maybe try wearing a few bandanas on your wrists and a couple dozen chain necklaces.’ Like, why would I even care about some guy who played a pirate when I was a baby? I was seriously ready to walk off and quit but I knew that would just be giving him what he wanted.”

Pop culture analyst, Anthony Farnsworth, notes that this type of behavior isn’t completely out of the ordinary for a well-known Hollywood director, such as Burton.

“Very few directors ever make a hit movie. So when you have someone who has a string of successes they tend to cling tightly to what has worked for them in the past. It can lead to an unhealthy codependent relationship with their lead actors sometimes,” Farnsworth explains. “Famously, James Cameron originally cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Jack in ‘Titanic,’ and Quentin Tarantino nearly ruined his career when he insisted on Uma Thurman playing the part of Django. It’ll be interesting to see how this all plays out with Netflix.”

At press time, Burton has announced Helena Bonham Carter will be joining the cast of “Wednesday,” to take on the role of Cousin It.

I Wore My Cleanest Cradle of Filth Long Sleeve for This?

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Of my seven Cradle of Filth shirts, this one is by far the least filthy. Is there a mysterious crust on both cuffs? Sure. Is the back of my shirt absolutely covered in white dog hair? Definitely, but this is the only one without actual blood or barf on it, and I wasted a perfectly good shirt coming here.

I was content laying in bed taking shots of vodka from a plastic bottle and polishing my sword when my mom so rudely reminded me I drunkenly agreed to attend an event in this public space full of disease and dunces.

It’s not even fun because no one here wants to talk about B.C. Rich Warlocks or take rips of the Jäger in my flask.

Yeah, sometimes, it’s fun to freak out the normies, but why is everybody here is looking at me like they’ve never seen a disemboweled nun doing anal with a two-headed demon on a tee shirt?!

THIS IS ART, PEOPLE! SOMETIMES ART IS VIOLENT AND SEXY AND SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE’S WORN IT FOR THE LAST TWO NIGHTS OF A FEVER! AND I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW, BY THE WAY!

The violence portrayed on this shirt is a metaphor! A criticism of vapid consumerism! And I’m spreading the message of anti-consumerism by purchasing and wearing dozens of sexually-explicit band shirts in every imaginable social setting no matter how inappropriate! And if this shirt freaks you out, wait until you hear the band kinda play black metal.

Their sound ranges from corny to almost heavy which is pretty rad if you’re into bands more for their merch than you are for their music. If you like songs that sound like gothic period-piece audio cosplay, this band’s overly-busy longsleeves could be a great substitute for your personality, too! Plus, Cradle of Filth shirts will make all your friends that are into Red Hot Chili Peppers think of you as their metal friend!

Oh, hey! Look! Tabatha’s recital is about to start, and these edibles are kicking in! I want to snap a quick picture before our little ballerina goes onstage and eviscerates this crowd of dumb cattle!

Everybody say, ‘JESUS IS A CUUUUUUUUUUNT!’

Nation Demands More Drummers Point at Camera With Drumstick

Posted on by Vince Ratti

WEST LONG BRANCH, N.J. – A shocking new poll shows that public taste recently shifted from wanting guitarists to put their foot on a monitor while they rip a solo to demanding more drummers to point at the camera with their drumstick, stunned analysts confirmed.

“Drummers making a face like they are trying to blow out a giant birthday cake just aren’t cutting it anymore,” said Gillian Mason of fivethirtyeight.com. “I believe that this is from the isolating effects the pandemic had. People want to know that the drummer is rocking out for them specifically, and by being pointed at, that connection is made. Public opinion is king, and as such, bands should no longer expect to appease their audiences solely by having the singer ride the mic stand around the stage like a pony.”

Photojournalist Del Canning has felt the demand, but has struggled to capture the special moments.

“When I’m on the stage trying to get that perfect shot, I’ll gesture like I want them to, but instead of pointing at me with their stick, they almost always tap their in-ear monitors and shrug like I’m the fucking sound guy or something,” lamented Canning as he looked futilely at a group of film negatives. “I’ve had success in the past by holding up a sign above the camera that reads ‘Point Here If You Love Bad Tattoos,’ but drummers usually aren’t the strongest readers. Hopefully we’ll see people wanting more shots of drummers looking up and opening their mouths like they’re about to be fed by a mommy bird, because they love doing that shit for whatever reason.”

The ripples from the poll have been felt all the way to Washington.

“I want my constituents to know that I hear them,” announced Rep. Jerry McNerney, D-Calif. in a statement just hours after the poll was published. “We’re creating a task force of industry insiders consisting of retired drummers, tour managers, and kindergarten teachers to make sure every American feels the validation of a rock drummer looking them straight in the eye and playfully singling them out as if to say ‘this person right here knows what’s up.’”

At press time, the results of a different poll revealed an alarming trend of Americans not wanting to see bassists literally at all.

Sorry I Bailed on Driving You to the Emergency Room Yesterday, I Just Needed Some Me Time

Posted on by James Knapp

Hey. How ya doing, bud? Not that you asked, but I’m doing okay. I’ve just kind of been in my own head lately. And speaking of heads, it looks like your ears are bleeding a lot. You should get that checked out.

Oh yeah! I remember now! You asked me to take you to that thing yesterday. The one at the hospital. You called me up screaming about how you were “gonna die” and “this is an emergency, please help!”

I gotta tell you, that was pretty triggering for me. After that, I had to listen to ASMR clips on YouTube for five and a half hours just to chill out for a bit. You know I’m a hyper-empath. You really need to be careful what you say to me.

And can you do something about that orange foam that’s leaking out of your nose? Orange is an inherently violent color and foam is my draining texture. Can you make it chalky instead? That texture calms me.

Woah, what are you so mad about? Self-care is very important to me and if that is inconvenient for you every time you have a teensy mid-air hang glider collision and expect me to just drop my tri-daily sound meditation to drive you a full fifteen minutes to the emergency room, then that is your problem. I hope you are able to find the inner strength to not be an aura parasite.

No! I don’t have any gauze. Stop asking me that like I’m some infinite well of resources for you to plunder. Great, now I’m gonna need another decompression nap.

Look, if you can’t learn to care for yourself like an emotionally mature adult without dragging others into your traumatic-cranial-injury negativity, then I don’t think I can accept any more of your so-called “emergencies.”

Also, I find this whole “pretending to seize up and stop breathing” routine you’re doing to be very manipulative. I’m gonna go make myself a cup of support kombucha until you grow up already.

Opinion: Any Section Is a Nosebleed Section if You Do Enough Blow

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I’ve been hearing a lot of complaining about Ticketmaster and how they have a stronghold on the ticketing industry, but I’m going to tell you all a little-known secret that will make you feel better about your life! While you’re complaining about overpaying for nosebleed tickets in the form of exorbitant fees at an arena show, I’m here to tell you that any seat in any section at any club can be a nosebleed section if you do enough cocaine!

Here’s another news flash for you: The nosebleed section rules! Think about it, if you’re constantly getting gacked out of your mind, then you don’t really give a fuck where you’re sitting!

You’re going to want to sit back, clench your teeth, and smash your phone in a fit of stimulant-induced rage. Just make sure that you have vaseline and a roll of paper on hand. Trust me, you’re about to have the best fucking concert-going experience of your goddamn life! Well, you’ll be confident at least, but eventually wake up drowning in a sea of regret when you realize you’ve been snorting baby formula the last two days of your bender. But hey, that’s rock and roll, baby!

It doesn’t stop at concerts either, lots of things in life can be the nosebleed section! Traffic court? Nosebleed section. My niece’s dumb ass recital I got guilted into coming to? That shit is way more fun in the nosebleed section. I sat in the nosebleed section through my entire divorce and it fucking rocked!

You want to know where my favorite nosebleed section is though? The carnival. There are so many pretty lights and sounds, and you can win a giant stuffed panda if you can hit the target or even fly off the handle and assault the carnie running the game because he told you you’re “causing a scene, and this is supposed to be a family environment.” But let me tell you, there is no thrill more timeless than losing your stomach for the cotton candy and nachos you ate right after going onto the pirate ship. My last sneezing fit had me spiraling all sorts of fluids across the fairgrounds, and the view, the colors, the disgusted screaming from below… best seat in the house, let me tell you.

Woman Who Calls Them “Unhoused Individuals” Figures That’s Just as Good as Giving Them $5

Posted on by Matt Bieker

ASTORIA, Ore. — Local PR account manager Madison Auerbach decided there is more value in referring to people as “unhoused” in her private conversations than actually giving money to those in need, confirmed skeptical sources.

“As an ally, it’s crucial that we use the language of inclusivity when referring to the less fortunate members of our community,” said Auerbach while crossing the street to avoid a tent on the sidewalk on her walk back to work from a local lunch spot. “Reminding them and each other that just because you don’t have a house doesn’t mean that you don’t have a place in our city is the greatest service that I can provide to these modern-day heroes. If I were in that situation, what I would really want is my dignity, and I’m just happy I can provide that for them.”

Community outreach worker Jamal Walker recognized Auerbach from her vocal social media presence.

“Oh yeah, I know of her. I’ve never actually seen her at any mutual aid events, but she’s very online,” said Walker. “She always shares my posts on Facebook when we’re doing a community clean-up day or if we need people to come watch the cops while they’re doing sweeps so they don’t get violent. I mean, that’s cool and all, but I sent her a message once about volunteering down at the shelter and she got back to me about a week later saying she missed my DM but the community appreciates my leadership or something like that. She keeps claiming she has sleeping bags to donate, but somehow never drops them off.”

Troy Stevens, whom Auerbach has passed on the street multiple times while speaking loudly into her phone, says the hollow gesture is typically unhelpful compared to those who can spare whatever change they are carrying.

“Look, I don’t give a shit about what people call me,” said Stevens, who has lived in his car with his dog, Rubber, for the past 14 months. “I had an apartment right up until the landlord raised our rent 200% and my disability checks wouldn’t clear. Somehow implying this car is my ‘place in the community’ doesn’t really make my life any better. With $5 I could at least get a sandwich or something, maybe even pay for a coffee somewhere so I can get out of the rain for a minute.”

At press time, Auerbach was attempting to avoid eye contact with a man on the street while leaving a comment on the local news’ Facebook page calling the city’s police department “fascist.”

Colin Meloy Asks Rest of Decemberists if They Also See Ghost of Victorian Era Chimney Sweep

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PORTLAND, Ore. — Decemberists lead singer Colin Meloy brought recording to a halt and began frantically asking band members if they could also see the ghost of a Victorian era chimney sweep in the corner of the room, a band rep confirmed.

“I don’t know if the years of touring and singing about ne’er do wells have gone to my head, but I can’t be the only one seeing this kid, right? He’s been hanging around for a few weeks now and frankly I thought he was one of the superfans given his impeccable Dickensian getup and knowledge of 1800s maritime vernacular,” said Meloy. “I could deal with him telling me he was cold and asking if I was his dad, but walking through walls is where I draw the line. How John (Moen) missed him standing in the middle of the drumset is beyond me. So either I have the sixth sense or I need to stop re-reading Melville novels.”

Band co-founder Jenny Conlee didn’t dismiss Meloy’s claims of being followed by a spirit, but noted this wasn’t the first time he’d made similar claims.

“Colin has always had this way of giving a voice to the unfortunate and downtrodden, so much so that it’s not outside the realm of possibility that he carries these spirits with him. Not that I’ve seen any of these spirits myself, but it was a bit unnerving the first time he brought up that we need to keep ‘Edward’ from tracking soot through the green room during a band meeting,” said Conlee. “A few years back he was insistent about my accordion being possessed by a Civil War captain named Cornelius and we had to have a seance to cleanse it. So either he’s been smelling old books a little too much or we’re just now finding out he’s a spiritual medium.”

Despite the growing tension within the band, the ghost of the deceased child laborer was undaunted in his venture to befriend Meloy.

“What’s all the fuss then? One day I’m upside down in Mrs. Caldwell’s flue, next thing I know I come to and I see this bloke singing songs ‘bout prostitutes, I just figured he knew me mum. Been trying to strike up a conversation for a bit now but he gets awful mad when I walk into the toilet with him,” said the apparition. “I mean for fuck’s sake he wrote a song about me bretheren, and I got nowhere to go and nothing to do. Least he could do is let me clean up his fireplace a bit, yeah?”

As of press time, the band has become increasingly unconcerned after a visibly distraught Meloy claimed the ghost was keeping him up all night after getting stuck in his home’s HVAC system.