Colin Meloy Asks Rest of Decemberists if They Also See Ghost of Victorian Era Chimney Sweep

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PORTLAND, Ore. — Decemberists lead singer Colin Meloy brought recording to a halt and began frantically asking band members if they could also see the ghost of a Victorian era chimney sweep in the corner of the room, a band rep confirmed.

“I don’t know if the years of touring and singing about ne’er do wells have gone to my head, but I can’t be the only one seeing this kid, right? He’s been hanging around for a few weeks now and frankly I thought he was one of the superfans given his impeccable Dickensian getup and knowledge of 1800s maritime vernacular,” said Meloy. “I could deal with him telling me he was cold and asking if I was his dad, but walking through walls is where I draw the line. How John (Moen) missed him standing in the middle of the drumset is beyond me. So either I have the sixth sense or I need to stop re-reading Melville novels.”

Band co-founder Jenny Conlee didn’t dismiss Meloy’s claims of being followed by a spirit, but noted this wasn’t the first time he’d made similar claims.

“Colin has always had this way of giving a voice to the unfortunate and downtrodden, so much so that it’s not outside the realm of possibility that he carries these spirits with him. Not that I’ve seen any of these spirits myself, but it was a bit unnerving the first time he brought up that we need to keep ‘Edward’ from tracking soot through the green room during a band meeting,” said Conlee. “A few years back he was insistent about my accordion being possessed by a Civil War captain named Cornelius and we had to have a seance to cleanse it. So either he’s been smelling old books a little too much or we’re just now finding out he’s a spiritual medium.”

Despite the growing tension within the band, the ghost of the deceased child laborer was undaunted in his venture to befriend Meloy.

“What’s all the fuss then? One day I’m upside down in Mrs. Caldwell’s flue, next thing I know I come to and I see this bloke singing songs ‘bout prostitutes, I just figured he knew me mum. Been trying to strike up a conversation for a bit now but he gets awful mad when I walk into the toilet with him,” said the apparition. “I mean for fuck’s sake he wrote a song about me bretheren, and I got nowhere to go and nothing to do. Least he could do is let me clean up his fireplace a bit, yeah?”

As of press time, the band has become increasingly unconcerned after a visibly distraught Meloy claimed the ghost was keeping him up all night after getting stuck in his home’s HVAC system.

Cherished Mix CD Revealed as “Garden State” Soundtrack

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

NASHUA, N.H. — Local woman Shellie Eastman was shocked to discover her favorite mixed CD from her teenage years was just the soundtrack album to Zach Braff’s “Garden State,” betrayed sources report.

“My bunkmate Becca made this for me when we met at summer camp in 2004. We were inseparable because we liked random stuff like ‘Homestar Runner’ and ‘Wicked.’ We said we’d write everyday and send each other mix CDs of our favorite songs every week. In the third week, the mixes went from Barenaked Ladies and Black Eyed Peas, to these indie rock gems, but that was the last CD I got, the emails stopped soon after,” Eastman said. “I thought she hated me because I put two songs from ‘Avenue Q’ on my last mix. I tried to reach out, but her away message was always, ‘I am unavailable because I am playing a computer game that takes up the entire screen.’”

Eastman’s lost friend Becca Feldman insists that there was no malice in her decision to pass off the song selections as her own.

“I didn’t mean to plagiarize Zach Braff’s work, sophomore year was just a busy time. I went out for Cross Country, got cast as Hodel in ‘Fiddler,’ and started dating Jason McCarthy,” Feldman recalled dreamily. “I only had a half-hour on the family computer to burn something, so I grabbed whatever was on my brother’s nightstand. Glad she liked it, because the movie was dry dogshit.”

Recent studies revealed that mixtape creative theft is more common than previously thought.

“People forget there was a dark side to playlist curation,” said Dr. Leslie Beckerman, Professor of Music Theory at the University of Vermont. “Mixtape exchanges are difficult for adolescents to maintain, with many turning to lifting swaths of music from soundtracks, college radio broadcasts, and even other mixed CDs from cooler classmates. My high school boyfriend had only one tape he would dub off to friends, lovers, and family. It still hurts to this day knowing he pretended I was special like that.”

Eastman says she forgives Feldman, especially after learning all her father’s favorite songs were from the “Top Gun” soundtrack.

We Caught up With People Who Got Those Mustache Tattoos on Their Fingers To See What Their Personality Is Based on Now

Posted on by Zach Hudson

If you were around in the mid-late 2000s, you probably knew at least one person who got a mustache tattoo on their finger. Usually, this person was always on MySpace, self-identified as “random,” and was really into bands like Cobra Starship and 3OH!3, but probably ironically.

While the trends of the time have mostly died out, tattoos are forever. What happened to those branded with the now infamous mustache finger tattoo? We sat down with a few of them to get a glimpse into what their personalities are based on now.

Kevin, 33, Funko Pop Collector
While Kevin’s mustache tattoo has somewhat faded away due to friction from the signature fingerless black gloves he wore well into his late twenties, he still bears the mark. Kevin now owns over 200 Funko Pops, which are prominently displayed all over his studio apartment. He offered to show us his entire collection and give us the backstory of each one, but we respectfully declined.

Delilah, 30, Cottagecore Influencer
You’d never know this is the same Delilah who once had jet-black bangs covering one eye and rocked the same Invader Zim hoodie every day. Her cottagecore influencer account “wood_nymph” has over 40k followers on Instagram. Delilah says she became “completely obsessed” with the cottagecore aesthetic after her father purchased an idyllic summer home in upstate New York. If you look closely at her account, you’ll notice her right index finger isn’t visible in any of her posts.

Mike, 34, and Carli, 31, Relationship Advice YouTubers
Former classmates of Mike and Carli recall rawr-ing lovingly at each other in the cafeteria, when they weren’t fighting in the hallway, that is. Despite years of drama and dozens of “it’s complicated” relationship status updates on MySpace, the two stuck it out, and the mustache tattoos they got together on Carli’s 18th birthday are now partially covered by wedding rings. Ironically, the two now run a YouTube channel dedicated to relationship advice, which they will give, unsolicited, to anyone who will listen offline as well.

Review: August Burns Red “Death Below”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times chooses an album to put under the microscope. Sometimes we even get to review one that’s not even available yet. This week we’re taking a look at August Burns Red’s upcoming release “Death Below.”

This record is equal parts metalcore, well-timed breakdowns, and the sudden urge to let out a blood-curdling scream from the comfort of your Nissan Sentra after a long day of existence. Simply brutal vibes. At least we think, anyway.

The thing is, we haven’t technically listened to this album since we’re not part of the elite class of music journalists who are privileged enough to get advanced copies. The one-percenters as they’re called in the business. Think: Rolling Stone, Pitchfork, and Kurt Loder from MTV News.

Instead, what we have to do is make educated guesses for these types of “not yet released” reviews. We’ve actually gotten pretty good at this over the years. Sure, we botch Weezer’s new stuff all the time and we keep predicting that the next Fleet Foxes record will be the one that takes over the nation, but that’s neither here nor there.

Back to August Burns Red though. Their new album is simply like no other they’ve ever released, we imagine. Picture metalcore meets Slayer meets late ‘90s post-grunge meets Miley Cyrus meets the Folgers coffee commercial jingle meets Dave Grohl practicing drums in his basement all by himself. Damn, if our predictions are correct, this album is going to be a fire emoji.

But hey, ABR recently released the single “Ancestry” which we presume will be a part of the new album. Unfortunately with music, you can’t just assume anything so we can’t judge the new album by this one song. We learned that the hard way with Smash Mouth. That being said, we assume this album is gonna rip.

However, if you want to know for sure, you’ll have to ask Pitchfork. For the rest of us peasants, we’ll have to take a “wait and see” approach.

Score: 10 out of 10, we presume

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Different Member of Paramore Recognized

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

NASHVILLE — Guitarist Taylor York was in complete shock after he was recognized as a member of the hugely successful band Paramore at a local restaurant, confirmed sources who squinted pretty hard to make sure it was definitely him.

“I get to play music for a living, travel the world, and my coworkers are my best friends, but there is always a part of me that wants to get noticed while ordering jalapeno poppers at Applebee’s. Performing for thousands of people who could not pick me out of a crowd for a million dollars takes its toll,” York said while staring directly at strangers on the street in hopes someone else would recognize him. “The second I come offstage, everyone demands to see my backstage pass or asks me to get them ice. One time on my way to the tour bus, security put me into a sleeper hold and tossed me into the street. Hope those days are finally behind me.”

Assistant Manager Angela Lelei identified York as he picked up his JoyBurger Deluxe and Medium Coffee.

“All I said was, ‘You sort of look like you could maybe be in Paramore or Panic! At the Disco.’ He just kept thanking me and bowing his head. He was so happy he left his order on the counter,” Lelei recalled. “As soon as he got outside, he started pumping his fist and jumping up and down. When I ran out to give him his food, it sounded like he was on a call with his mother and his voice was cracking.”

Experts say getting recognized can be gratifying for those not yet adjusted to the external perception of their group’s hierarchy, but warn not to base self-worth on external validation.

“For years I tried to get noticed—constantly changing my hair, wearing cat eye makeup, performing naked, but I was only recognized a handful of times, mostly at Fishbone shows,” said Adrian Young, who sources report was a member of No Doubt. “But once I settled into my role as a background player to Gwen, I started to feel comfortable in my own skin. Now, I’m happy just to spend time with my family and I got really into golf, but it would be nice if people were interested in my solo projects.”

At press time, York was showing Paramore videos to a group of skateboarding teens in hopes one of them would make the connection that he was in the clip.

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10 Metal Bands That Are Metallica According to My Mom

Posted on by Zach Hudson

I love my mom. She’s always supported me and all of my interests, even if she doesn’t like or understand them. When it comes to metal though, she hasn’t tried very hard to learn all of the nuances and various subgenres. But to be fair, I haven’t tried very hard to teach her. So, here are 10 metal bands that are Metallica according to my mom.

Cannibal Corpse: Mom is under the impression that anything off Cannibal Corpse’s extensive catalog is Metallica live, and that they must not be very good live, or that James Hetfield must have been sick when it was recorded.

Black Sabbath: This is “old Metallica.” She’s happy that they’ve “improved their sound.” Please, just leave her alone, you guys. She doesn’t know any better.

Nightwish: Nightwish makes mom’s favorite Metallica songs. She thinks it’s really neat that they have a woman singing for them sometimes. If anyone from Metallica is reading this, she’d really like to see them have more women on their albums.

Ghost: Ghost makes some of mom’s least favorite Metallica songs. She doesn’t think it’s as good as their old stuff, and always asks me to skip the “new Metallica” when it shuffles in the car, which I’m happy to do. Mom describes their music as “kind of corny and boring,” which is something that we can both agree on.

Megadeth: Ok, fair enough. We’re going to give her a pass on this one.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra: Mom has mixed feelings about the “Metallica Christmas Album.” I know she doesn’t listen to it when I’m not home, but she’ll always put it on around the holidays if she knows my friends are coming over so that they’ll think she’s cool.

Lorna Shore: Mom has no idea what Metallica were thinking recording music like this. She doesn’t like nor understand it, but thinks it’s cool that they are willing to experiment with their sound. She does question Jame’s decision on the vocals though. “The singer has such a nice voice, why would he make himself sound like this?”

Comeback Kid: I know they’re not a metal band, ok? But you try explaining the difference between metal and hardcore punk to her.

Bell Witch: Mom isn’t sure how she feels about “Slow Metallica.” She thinks it’s really nice that the band lets the bassist play some solos, but that it’s kind of weird that there aren’t any guitars at all. She figures that the band must need a break from playing so fast all the time.

God’s Bane: This is MY band. We’re a melodic black metal band and we sound nothing like Metallica. But whenever I’m practicing one of our songs she’ll come in and ask which Metallica song I’m playing. She’s one of my biggest supporters though, so I really don’t care.

Aging Punk Shifts Focus From Bringing Down the Government to Bringing Down His HOA

Posted on by John Danek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Aging punk Mack “Sulfur” Hersch recalibrated his life’s mission from disrupting the effectiveness of the federal government to terrorizing his new house’s homeowners association, frightened neighbors reported.

“As I get older and wiser, I realize that change starts locally. Specifically, with these fuckers who think they can tell me what color to paint my fucking door,” declared a defiant Hersch, who finally has a permanent address in his own name after almost 49 years of couch-surfing. “It’s MY house, so I will do whatever the fuck I want with it. We’re talking basement shows, zine printing operations, and anarchist meetups. Some of the neighborhood teens have been interested in my messages. First, we destroy the HOA. Next, the FBI.”

Members of the Moore Park Homeowners Association are growing increasingly concerned with Hersh’s disregard for their rules of governance.

“Mr. Hersch is bound by the rules he signed just like everybody else—though if I recall, he signed with a drawing of a middle finger, which was alarming,” stated Phyllis Palermo, known for her passive-aggressive emails to the entire neighborhood. “If he doesn’t start abiding by our bylaws, he can expect swift shock-and-awe tactics the likes of which will make his head spin. No more large gatherings without a permit. No more out-of-tune electric guitar practice at night. You’re either with the HOA or against us. We must protect the Moore Park way of life.”

A spokesperson for the FBI admitted that they have been tracking Hersch’s activities for decades.

“The Moore Park HOA doesn’t stand a chance; we’re just thankful Sulfur is no longer working against us,” said Agent Richard Yarde, senior intelligence analyst for the FBI. “He’s exceedingly charismatic and capable of spreading anti-establishment ideals to the masses quickly. Through a stroke of good fortune, his 48th birthday hit him hard and made him realize it’s time to settle down. If the HOA doesn’t dissolve by the end of next year, I’ll be stunned.”

After being reprimanded for not mowing his lawn frequently enough, neighbors have reportedly seen Hersch wearing t-shirts with the slogan “No War But the Grass War.”

Opinion: I’m Honestly Still Fucking Pissed That Bob Dylan Started Playing Electric Guitar

Posted on by John Danek

My therapist says I have a problem with holding grudges. I’ll never forgive her for saying that. I’ve been burned too many times before. And it all started in 1965.

There I was, a young lad of 15 at the Newport Folk Festival watching my hero Bob Dylan sing the songs of a generation. Until suddenly, he decided to stab every human being on planet Earth in the back with a Fender headstock as if it were a bayonet.

Bob Dylan donned an electric guitar. In that moment, I booed my first boo; the first of many. The rage turned my face red, and I did my best to ruin the concert for anyone trying to enjoy the music of this heretic.

He traded the authentic instrument of his people for a children’s fad. Mark my words, the electric guitar will fall out of vogue by the end of the month. I’ve been calling it for years, and I’ve got to be right at some point.

As I exited the venue trembling with rage, I saw a vision of my life’s work ahead of me. I would travel to every Dylan concert I possibly could, and I would boo any time that ungodly implement of magnets, wires, and capacitors was brought out on stage.

At first, the whole crowd would join in. But over the months, the fervor died down. By 1967, I was the only one left jeering at Judas Dylan. His touring staff could ID me by sight, and I kept getting removed from concerts before they even started. I booed from outside the venues.

I’m furious at Bob, and I’m royally fucking pissed at the world for forgiving his unfaithfulness. Does his betrayal mean nothing to you anymore? The anger in my heart has only grown. Hell, I adapted it to other bands.

I booed Black Flag for playing slower songs on My War. I booed Metallica for cutting their hair. I booed Nirvana for doing the “reverse Dylan” and going acoustic for MTV Unplugged. I booed Radiohead for going full synth on Kid A.

Now excuse me, as I board this international flight to Korea to boo Jin for deserting BTS for military service.

Small Town Bar Bathroom Becomes Gender Neutral if Anyone Brings Cocaine

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

GRASS VALLEY, Calif. — Local bar The Blasthole is reportedly taking a stand against woke culture by maintaining strictly gendered bathrooms at all times that cocaine is not being consumed, sources looking for a bump confirm.

“Some traditions are worth holding onto, and separate bathrooms for guys and gals is one of ‘em,” said Blasthole owner Mark Robbins. ““There’s been a lot of pressure on this place to go PC and have those big-city-bathrooms that anyone can just waltz on into. I don’t care if you’re a Johnny who wants to be Suzy — at my bar you’ll use the toilet God intended you to use. But if you’re just looking for a private spot to do a sneaky key-bump with your boys, I recommend the ladies room.”

Non-binary patron Taylor Wilkins chose not to use the Blasthole’s facilities for reasons unrelated to gender altogether.

“I stopped at that place passing through town on my way up to the ski-slopes. As soon as I stepped in, a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag above the bar and the amount of full camo I saw told me I’d better make it quick,” said Wilkins. “But when I got in the bathroom, there were like six or seven people in there — all doing blow like the world was ending in 15 minutes. They kept trying to get me to hang out with them, but they saw my boots and made so many jokes comparing cocaine to snow that I realized they were all basic. They were all pretty nice, but I just had to take a shit.”

Anthropoligist Wanda Perkins noted that the supposedly rigid gender-assignments of both Blasthole restrooms are actually quite fluid — not just for the consumption of drugs, but drunken sexual encounters as well.

“As long as people are sharing stimulants or engaging in public coitus, these restrooms seem to be able to change, and even remove their gender roles in order to suit the needs of the community at that time,” Perkins said. “In fact, the only consistent rule seems to be about where a particular person urinates or defecates. It’s quite fascinating. One might call them a liminal space for those who are looking to party while retaining their outwardly conservative appearance.”

At press time, Wilkins decided to hold it until they made it to the next town and reported the bathroom was super gross, including the glory hole.

Guitar Center Employee Cuts Fresh Strap From Rotating Spit

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local Guitar Center employee Bridget Wolf carefully cut a fresh guitar strap from a rotating spit before serving it to an eager customer this afternoon, salivating sources reported.

“You want to make sure the strap is fully cooked and seasoned before you cut one off,” Wolf said. “Every morning we pile the raw straps onto the spit and apply a base layer of seasoning, which helps to alleviate shoulder chafing. Then they cook for about five hours, and we have at least three spits going at a time. Today’s flavors are lightning bolts, celtic symbols and Metallica logos. There’s also a load of caution tape straps and ‘Dark Side of The Moon’ prism straps in the back, but I try to save the lower-quality scraps for the teenage crowd that doesn’t know any better.”

Customer Jess Aaron said that they were surprised how involved the process could be.

“I thought straps were made in, I don’t know, a guitar strap factory. Not cooked to order,” said Aaron. “Apparently that’s always been the case, they’ve just finally decided to finally move the machines onto the sales floor. I like a nice AC/DC logo strap with extra strap locks wrapped in a chord. That’s the good shit. They won’t tell me what’s in the secret spice, but a friend said that it’s mostly lube with a hint of bassist tears.”

Guitar Center CEO John Maynard said that the company wants to make all of their stores more interactive.

“We’ve found that prospective customers are looking for a hands-on experience,” Maynard said. “Instead of selling sets of picks, we’re going to grate them right off the block until the customer says ‘when.’ Visitors can now take a tour of the cellar where we age our vintage gear, and personally pick out a guitar teacher from the tank. We’ll also want to sell green Orange amps before they’re fully ripe. Our goal is to give buyers a front row seat to the process.”

At press time, Wolf was seen inviting customers to the back of the store to watch a bass drum give birth to a bongo.