Small Town Bar Bathroom Becomes Gender Neutral if Anyone Brings Cocaine

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

GRASS VALLEY, Calif. — Local bar The Blasthole is reportedly taking a stand against woke culture by maintaining strictly gendered bathrooms at all times that cocaine is not being consumed, sources looking for a bump confirm.

“Some traditions are worth holding onto, and separate bathrooms for guys and gals is one of ‘em,” said Blasthole owner Mark Robbins. ““There’s been a lot of pressure on this place to go PC and have those big-city-bathrooms that anyone can just waltz on into. I don’t care if you’re a Johnny who wants to be Suzy — at my bar you’ll use the toilet God intended you to use. But if you’re just looking for a private spot to do a sneaky key-bump with your boys, I recommend the ladies room.”

Non-binary patron Taylor Wilkins chose not to use the Blasthole’s facilities for reasons unrelated to gender altogether.

“I stopped at that place passing through town on my way up to the ski-slopes. As soon as I stepped in, a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag above the bar and the amount of full camo I saw told me I’d better make it quick,” said Wilkins. “But when I got in the bathroom, there were like six or seven people in there — all doing blow like the world was ending in 15 minutes. They kept trying to get me to hang out with them, but they saw my boots and made so many jokes comparing cocaine to snow that I realized they were all basic. They were all pretty nice, but I just had to take a shit.”

Anthropoligist Wanda Perkins noted that the supposedly rigid gender-assignments of both Blasthole restrooms are actually quite fluid — not just for the consumption of drugs, but drunken sexual encounters as well.

“As long as people are sharing stimulants or engaging in public coitus, these restrooms seem to be able to change, and even remove their gender roles in order to suit the needs of the community at that time,” Perkins said. “In fact, the only consistent rule seems to be about where a particular person urinates or defecates. It’s quite fascinating. One might call them a liminal space for those who are looking to party while retaining their outwardly conservative appearance.”

At press time, Wilkins decided to hold it until they made it to the next town and reported the bathroom was super gross, including the glory hole.

Guitar Center Employee Cuts Fresh Strap From Rotating Spit

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local Guitar Center employee Bridget Wolf carefully cut a fresh guitar strap from a rotating spit before serving it to an eager customer this afternoon, salivating sources reported.

“You want to make sure the strap is fully cooked and seasoned before you cut one off,” Wolf said. “Every morning we pile the raw straps onto the spit and apply a base layer of seasoning, which helps to alleviate shoulder chafing. Then they cook for about five hours, and we have at least three spits going at a time. Today’s flavors are lightning bolts, celtic symbols and Metallica logos. There’s also a load of caution tape straps and ‘Dark Side of The Moon’ prism straps in the back, but I try to save the lower-quality scraps for the teenage crowd that doesn’t know any better.”

Customer Jess Aaron said that they were surprised how involved the process could be.

“I thought straps were made in, I don’t know, a guitar strap factory. Not cooked to order,” said Aaron. “Apparently that’s always been the case, they’ve just finally decided to finally move the machines onto the sales floor. I like a nice AC/DC logo strap with extra strap locks wrapped in a chord. That’s the good shit. They won’t tell me what’s in the secret spice, but a friend said that it’s mostly lube with a hint of bassist tears.”

Guitar Center CEO John Maynard said that the company wants to make all of their stores more interactive.

“We’ve found that prospective customers are looking for a hands-on experience,” Maynard said. “Instead of selling sets of picks, we’re going to grate them right off the block until the customer says ‘when.’ Visitors can now take a tour of the cellar where we age our vintage gear, and personally pick out a guitar teacher from the tank. We’ll also want to sell green Orange amps before they’re fully ripe. Our goal is to give buyers a front row seat to the process.”

At press time, Wolf was seen inviting customers to the back of the store to watch a bass drum give birth to a bongo.

I Named My Band “CVS Near Me” and Now We’re Impossible To Find on Google

Posted on by Zack White

In the internet age, we’re told that all the information in the world is at our fingertips. Just a click away! We were told that this powerful tool would bring us closer than ever. But after naming my band “CVS Near Me,” I found out we’re impossible to find on a google search and, using this as a microcosm for our society, it seems we’re more disconnected than ever.

What does it mean for the arts that searching for a corporate sellout like Taylor Swift gives you thousands and thousands of results based on her music, but searching for my band gives you a list of pharmacies near my home address? Not only is big tech not spreading my music, but they are spreading the general area I live in to anyone who tries to actually find my art. That’s called censorship and it’s disgusting.

This isn’t even the first time this has happened to me. Any time I start a new project, I am immediately shadowbanned by the corporate media search engine establishment because they are scared I will destroy their system with my art. “Walmart Hours,” “Indian Food In Cleveland OH,” and “Computer Fan Loud Reddit” all had the potential to be the next Led Zeppelin. They shut me down then and they’re doing it again.

When it comes down to it, hiding my band behind 100 pages of previous google searches is an attack on our civil liberties. It is a stifling of artistic voices who reject their capitalistic optimization and live by our own rules. I am brave and anyone who doesn’t come to our show next weekend at 4 AM in my buddy Nelson’s basement is a coward who wants the system to win.

New Guitarist Doesn’t Take Punk Band’s Last Name

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

NEW YORK — Local guitarist Ian Serra refused to take on local punk band Complete Malarkey’s surname despite the group’s longstanding practice as such, sources confirmed.

“It’s not personal, I just don’t accept it as an institution. They met me as Ian Serra, they courted me as Ian Serra, I joined the band as Ian Serra, and now because of some outdated tradition I have to go by Ian Malarkey for the rest of my life?” said the disgruntled guitarist. “I mean, 50% of bands end in break up and I don’t want to be saddled with another name if I go solo. Plus, I’d have to change all my socials and I’m way too tired to do that. I love my new bandmates, but my name is my identity. I’m not a piece of property like some bassist.”

Lead singer Matt Malarkey, known at his day job as Matthew Tremble, was deeply disappointed that Serra wouldn’t go all in with their brand.

“Taking our name makes us an easily identifiable team like the Ramones,” said the band’s founding member. “It shows the world we chose you and you chose us, and symbolizes our journey together. We don’t ask for much. Just change your last name, wear our matching scally caps and soccer jerseys, and exclusively drink Guinness onstage and whenever you’re around other people. Is that such a big ask? Also, Ian needs to move into our house and agree to help buy a van. New members need to foot at least 75% of vehicular costs. Rules are rules.”

Brian Pardo, owner of local music venue the Saw Mill, supports individuals not taking their bands’ names.

“The time of changing your last name for the sake of your band has passed,” said Pardo. “It’s also confusing. Like, are Jack and Meg White siblings, married, or something else? Hard to tell for sure. I’ll just be glad when the trend is finally over. When booking a show, it’s embarrassing calling up Stop & Shop and asking for Tommy Salami of the Salamis, Johnny Jetpack of the Flagrant Jetpacks, or Andy Asshole of the Assholez.”

At press time, Serra reportedly left the band citing irreconcilable differences.

Goth Family Leaves Out Hamster Blood and Sacrificed Lamb For Krampus on Christmas Eve

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BREMERTON, Wash. — A local goth family left out the traditional offering of a full glass of hamster blood and a sacrificed lamb for folklore legend Krampus on Christmas Eve, sources who didn’t know what to do with that information confirmed.

“It’s a tradition that spans nearly centuries that we only found out about three months ago from a Buzzfeed article titled ‘10 Things I Didn’t Know About Krampus and Now I’m Literally Obsessed,’” said Lavinia Abrams while hanging fishnet holiday stockings on the mantle. “Sure, the stench of warm critter blood and rotting flesh makes it so it’s nearly impossible to sleep, and the swarms of fruit flies and freshly spawned maggots make cleanup a total nightmare, but that’s just what the Krampus spirit is all about. We might actually stop the tradition pretty soon though since our kids no longer believe in Krampus. They grow up fast, don’t they?”

Krampus himself did not seem all that surprised by the gesture.

“To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of eating the same exact thing this time of year, but these homes go through all that trouble of draining rodents and slaughtering farm animals for little old me that I have no choice but to take a quick swig and taste. I would never want to come across as rude,” said the cloven-hooved and horned being. “I may get a bad rap for absolutely terrifying children during the holiday season and even stuffing them into a large sack to prove a point, but these little acts of kindness from homeowners give me the strength to continue my duties throughout the night. It’s the most wonderful time of year after all.”

Experts were quick to point out other lesser-known and forgotten traditions.

“Humans love a good annual tradition no matter how far-fetched the routines surrounding it may be,” said local sociologist Graham Castaway. “Not many know this, but before the Easter Bunny was popularized, we used to have an Easter Fire-Breathing Dragon. Parents would leave out baskets full of melted chocolate and burnt treats for their children and during the day they’d go on an Easter Dragon Egg Hunt. Unfortunately, the eggs were six feet tall so they were pretty easy to find. That’s when they made the switch to the Easter Bunny. Smart move by all accounts.”

In related news, the goth family continued their tradition of elf skeletal remains on the shelf.

How To Get in the Holiday Spirit by Reminding Your Family Jesus Would Have Been a Socialist

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It can be difficult to get in the holiday spirit as an adult. It can be difficult spending time with a family you relate to less and less each year. It seems impossible to recreate the same child-like joy of running down the stairs Christmas morning to see that easy bake oven nuzzled under the tree. But there is hope!

If singing carols or lying to little children about a large man entering their homes isn’t your thing, a surefire way to get in the holiday spirit is by reminding your family that Jesus—their lord and savior—would have been a socialist.

While pouring Uncle Burt his eighth eggnog of the night, remind him that Jesus’s whole thing was helping the poor and he obviously would’ve voted for Bernie. As you watch Uncle Burt’s face turn to horror, let that holiday excitement rush over you.

Sure, building gingerbread houses in your 30s might seem boring at first, but while all of your little cousins are gathered around this is the perfect time to announce to them that housing is a right and everyone deserves a home. Gingerbread or otherwise. Once your family is shuffling in from midnight mass, it will be the perfect time to remind them that Jesus healed the sick no matter their health insurance plan.

The gasps from your socially liberal/fiscally conservative relatives will light up your insides like a Christmas tree. Finally! That holiday spirit of your childhood has returned thanks to the first ever Bernie bro: Jesus H Christ.

Calendar Collector Hopes Present Under Tree Isn’t Some Stupid Vinyl Record Bullshit

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Die-hard calendar enthusiast John Beltran hoped the thin, square present under the Christmas Tree at his parent’s house isn’t actually a lame, dead music format again, sources close to him report.

“Ever since I was a child, and I first laid my eyes on my kindergarten teacher’s killer ‘Berenstain Bear Year 1995’ calendar she had hanging up in the classroom I became obsessed. Seeing the day of the month laid out in a simple grid with holidays clearly labeled is the best way to consume the passage of time,” Beltran explained enthusiastically. “I was hoping to finally get one just like it last year for Christmas, but my mom got me some limited-edition vinyl record. I was so pissed, I couldn’t wait to head down to the Goodwill and flip through some of the old calendars just to blow off some steam. I picked up an amazing 1997 Charlotte Hornets calendar that was basically mint condition and will be reusable again in 2025.”

John Beltran’s mother Angela Beltran is more than a little confused by her son’s particular choice of hobby.

“I’ve never really understood his obsession,” said Mrs. Beltran. “I had so many calendars growing up, but then cell phones came out and you could get calendars for $1 dollar to 50 cents apiece! No one wanted those things anymore, they practically were giving them away! I guess they are ‘coming back’ or whatever now, and I suppose the younger generations feel it’s the proper way to tell someone what day it is or something. None of that ‘digital crap’ is what Johnny is always telling me.”

Top calendar enthusiast Devon “Leap Year” Hughes gives a little insight into the harsh world of collecting the date-telling format.

“Yeah, many collectors like myself get burned by receiving some lousy vinyl record as a gift,” Leap Year said while rummaging through his desk for a box of thumbtacks. “What’s even worse is when you get a present thinking it’s going to be your white whale of a calendar piece, then you notice it’s just two calendars acting as protection for the record between them. I hate vinyl, man. It’s worthless. You think some stupid record is going to help you remember when your dentist appointment is? Or help you remember when the electric bill is due? I don’t fuckin’ think so.”

Beltran was last seen chaotically scouring the shelves at a local Barnes and Noble store eager to score some deals during their end-of-the-year calendar sale.

Seeing My Children’s Reaction to Their Presents on Christmas Morning Makes Me Realize How Much I Prefer My Second Family

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The memories of Christmases of my youth never fail to fill my heart. Sure the gifts were great, but the look on my parents’ faces knowing they were delivering holiday magic is what truly made those years special. I carried that spirit with me when I started my family, but seeing these ungrateful little shits scoffing at their presents makes me appreciate the second family I started five years ago much, much more.

Now before you bust my balls about being an unrepentant polygamist, I would remind you that it is Christmas and should focus on the things that really matter like being with family. It just so happens I have two of them, and I’ll have you know it’s a lot of work. If you had the opportunity to begin a tryst with a colleague at a plumbing and HVAC convention in Dallas, I’m sure you’d do the same.

Obviously it was not my intention to lead a double life wrought with lies and deception. But looking at the big picture, doing so really makes me appreciate the people in my life who won’t bust my balls over being on the road all the time. They should be kissing my ass over the fact I chose to spend Christmas with my OG family. Clearly I chose wrong.

It’s one thing to feign gratitude for receiving a gift you’re not super excited about. But being openly disgusted about a pair of socks is completely out of line. Lots of kids would be doing cartwheels for receiving the basic necessities, so if you can’t appreciate the small stuff then you don’t deserve the nicer presents. All the more reason I gave his secret half brothers the PS5.

My other kids never whine about how I’m never around or call me an absentee father. They’re only getting a five minute Facetime from me today while I sneak into the garage while pretending to look for extension cords and I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear from me. But in this house I’m worse than Hitler because I bought my daughter the “wrong” iPad as if they’re not all the same thing. What the fuck is an M1 chip?

These kids have no idea what goes into working day and night to support two mortgages and four rec basketball league fees. The least they could do is pitch in and get me a gift card to Applebees, but I don’t even get as much as a “thank you Santa”. If they only knew I could be on a flight right now to San Antonio to be with people who actually show appreciation, They’re lucky that celebrating two Christmases a year is less expensive than divorce.

Punk Ghost of Christmas Past Can’t Wait To Talk About How Scene Used to Be

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LONDON, Ky. — The Ghost of Christmas Past is reportedly “super stoked” to show infamous miser Ebenezer Scrooge how legit dope the local scene used to be on its Christmas Eve visit, astonished sources confirmed.

“We’re going back, like, 25 years ago, dude. So, I’m already planning on not eating beforehand, since there are at least three authentic burrito places to hit before the Ghost of Christmas Present toddles in,” said the excited apparition. “We’re talking literal mom and pop stands, before that new Chipotle drove ‘em out of business. Then, hopefully in between seeing the sowing of Scrooge’s love of money and his lost familial relationships, we can make it over to Magnolia Bar for this Guitar Wolf show I’ve always kicked myself for not buying a shirt at.”

The aforementioned Scrooge was apparently puzzled on multiple levels when encountering the enthusiastic, while misguided, spirit.

“I’ll admit, the shock of being taken into my memories had my jaw on the floor. I just couldn’t believe the visions of my youth could be so vivid. But, then the spirit insisted we make our way across town to the old second-run movie theater for ‘Dollar Tuesday’ before we miss it,” said Mr. Scrooge. “The specter made a big deal about how we could see ‘Grosse Pointe Blank’ three times each for under ten dollars, clearly trying to appeal to my miserly ways. While I do wish we’d focused a bit more on my childhood, I did enjoy Dan Aykroyd’s casting in it. Who knew he still had such good work in him at that point?”

Scrooge’s old employer, and noted enjoyer of the Christmas season, Nigel Fezziwig was reportedly a little dejected that he wasn’t included in this year’s vision.

“I kept trying to flag them down, and get them to come to the company Christmas party. A lot of important shit went down here, Ebenezer-wise,” said Fezziwig. “Plus, I go all out on these things, no expenses spared! Hired the most expensive brass band a sack of shillings could buy! But they couldn’t care less I guess. That spirit whizzed right past me. And all I heard was something about ‘checking out the spirit’s old band opening up for Dropdead at The Living Room’’ or some such. Oh well, maybe next year.”

At press time, Scrooge reported that, if anything, he’s now more attached to his vast hoarded wealth, as most of the places the Ghost showed him were absolutely disgusting.

Christmas Harsh Reminder of Family Members Who Are Still With Us

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SAN FRANCISCO — Local punk John Adler is one of the unlucky few who will be leaving his comfortable life with seven roommates in a two-bedroom apartment to head home for the holidays and be reminded of all the terrible family members who didn’t die this year.

“Most of the time it’s easy for me to forget these people and focus on my bootleg tee-shirt business, but then Christmas rolls around and my mom starts calling with all the Catholic guilt she can muster up and it all hits me again like a ton of bricks,” said Adler while smoking weed with his cousin. “I have so many friends with relatives that died from Covid and I just don’t understand how they got so lucky. I’m going to be stuck at a Christmas Eve mass with my Uncle Steve, the guy that tried to stab me with a butter knife last year when I called Trump a Nazi. Why aren’t these people dead?”

Adler’s family home is in an affluent suburb of San Francisco and his parents will be hosting multiple holiday events he will be forced to attend.

“Oh we’re just so excited to have Johnny home for Christmas,” said Adler’s mother Bernadette. “He says he’s happy with his friends in Los Angeles, but nothing can make a young boy happier than being with his loving mother on the most glorious day of the year. I just pray that one-day God gives him the strength to leave his life of sin behind and stop selfishly killing us. We gave him so much as a boy, I don’t know how he could abandon us like this.”

Mental health professionals across the country say the holidays are a particularly trying time for everyone.

“Hundreds of thousands of families are gathering together and coping with the loss of loved ones, and then there are the families who have avoided tragedy entirely and that’s the problem,” said licensed therapist Scott Tibor. “There is always that one uncle that no one invites but he shows up anyway spouting conspiracy theories and accusing other family members of being pedophiles. Somehow this person didn’t get sick and die from Covid, but we lost so many hard-working nurses and school teachers. Life is unfair like that.”

Virologists still offer some hope that above-average flu numbers and new Covid strains could kill off some of the more annoying family members by Easter.