10 Reasons to Get Married, According to My Wine Drunk Aunt at Christmas Dinner

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Christmas is the one time of year family can come together and celebrate what truly matters: being beleaguered by extended family. My aunt, who is still salty about her recent divorce, has decided the best way to build a deeper familial connection is by cornering me in the living room and delivering a sauvignon blanc-induced screed on why I should be married by now:

“The Best Way to Build Credit is Through a $40,000 Reception”

“You’re gonna want to max out every card you have, everyone pays 28% APR these days anyway so you might as well go all out. And don’t give me that shit about putting that money into a down payment for a house. Nobody is going to remember some dumb condo your ex got in the divorce, but they will remember the ice sculptures and chocolate fountain.”

“The Existential Threat of a Messy Divorce is Great Motivation to Stay Together Forever”

“Trust me, nothing binds a couple closer together than the looming realization that splitting up will lead to financial ruin and questioning your self worth. Every time you look into your spouse’s eyes just think of how much you love them and that if it all goes south they’ll get the jet ski.”

“I Need a New Tinder Profile Pic in Formalwear”

“People gotta know I’m single and ready to Pringle, am I right? I have this one dress that makes my tits look huge and it’s not like work is having any gala events so it’s gotta be a wedding. Your wedding. Just do this one thing for me, please. But just a heads up I’m probably going to crop you out of the photo.”

“Your Dogs Aren’t Going to Take Care of You When You’re Older”

“Don’t give me that shit about being a dog dad. You didn’t sire them, and all they care about are treats and shitting all over your backyard. The last thing on their mind is driving you to dialysis for five years before trying to mercy kill you with a pillow over your face. Even those service dogs don’t have the brainpower to do that and WHY CAN’T I PET THEM WHEN I’M AT TARGET?”

“If You Don’t Find a Partner, Biden is Going to Force You to Get Gay Married”

“I’ll send you the link my friend from yoga showed me, but if you wait any longer that socialist ANTIFA loving election stealer is going to force you to marry another man. Joe Brandon himself already signed the executive order and Nancy Pelosi is going to oversee the whole thing, that’s why she’s stepping down as speaker. Use your fucking head!”

“You’ll Have a Forever Obligated Wedding Date”

“The nice thing about a spouse is they are obligated to attend every function by default and then you can post pictures about how you clean up nicely! Isn’t that funny? And then you won’t have to worry about attending your sorority sister’s wedding alone and have to think about the fact you met her husband first but he’s not into women who set boundaries so he leaves you for someone who’ll blow him on a party bus.”

“Everything You’ve Done in Life Up Until Getting Married Doesn’t Count”

“Everything you’ve accomplished in life isn’t worth jack shit until you sign that piece of paper. College? Anyone can get a B.A. in English. Promotion at work? Fuck you. Nobody gives a rat’s ass until your life is defined by a ring on your hand, and then your life really begins. Just know that most of that new life will just be arguing what to make for dinner.”

Each Marriage Gets Easier and Easier

“You’re gonna need a few trial runs before you get it right. The first one is for when you’re still young and can get an annulment quickly and easily. The second one, now this is important, is the person you think you want to spend the rest of your life with but it turns out they aren’t going to conferences every weekend and they have a second family in Iowa. So by the third go around it’ll be much easier to ascertain if you’re dating a sociopath.”

“You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out”

“Heyyyyyy A Christmas Story is on. Look at how happy they are. Those were the good old days when couples stuck together through everything and didn’t split up over something trivial like a leg lamp. Not like nowadays when you date six guys in a row in their 40’s who still “aren’t ready for kids”. Do you think your mom has more Robert Mondavi in the house somewhere?”

“Life is a Meandering Death March to Oblivion”

“Look around, does any of this make sense to you? Humanity is but a pimple on the ass of the universe yet here we are pretending to all be the main character, believing anyone will remember what wedding invitations you picked or if you had a vegetarian option at the reception. We are just aimlessly moving from distraction to distraction in a pointless attempt to delay the inevitability of death. Sorry, I just get really sentimental on Christmas. I probably shouldn’t have switched to bourbon.”

The Hard Times Guide To Convincing Your Parents You Are Definitely Not Meeting Up With Your Dealer on Christmas Eve

Posted on by Grace Hunziker

Christmas is supposedly the most wonderful time of the year. Yet it’s the most difficult to navigate without a little Christmas “tree” if you catch our drift. Being home for the holidays can be rough and sometimes the only cure for the Christmas blues is some Christmas “green.” Once again, if you catch our drift.

However, that can be difficult under the prying eyes of your family. Rest assured because the Hard Times has expertly curated the best tips for running your “errands” without alerting mom and dad.

Form a Concrete Alibi
When mom asks where you’re going at nine pm in sweats on Christmas Eve, make sure you have a concrete alibi or at least a passable excuse. Timeless classics include “just going for a walk” or “getting a bite to eat.” But the stakes are high this time of year and there are only so many places you can go on Christmas Eve to “catch up with an old friend.” So we suggest something a bit more nuanced. Perhaps say you are going to check out the neighborhood lights. Something festive and wholesome.

Timing is Key
When crafting your alibi, create a story that matches your timeline. Don’t forget to factor in transportation and enough time to chat with your dealer just long enough to pretend you care about what he’s been up to since last Christmas eve. After all, you don’t want to claim you’re going to get the mail and return two hours later with McDonald’s and a newly developed sense of whimsy.

You’re an Adult, Just Fucking Tell Them
For real. It’s just weed. Besides, it’d be legal if your parents hadn’t raised you in this dumbass state.

With these expertly curated tips, you’re sure to pull off a subtle and quiet exchange of goods. Now all that’s left to do is explain why your childhood bedroom smells like weed.

Punk House Hires Gas Station Corner Store to Cater Holiday Party

Posted on by Rose Eden

AUSTIN, Texas — Local punk house The Meat Mansion hired the small market attached to the gas station at the end of the street to cater their annual holiday party this year, excited sources confirmed.

“Yeah I mean this gas station is where everyone goes to grab a quick bite and has something everyone likes, plus it’s hella cheap,” said housemate Paul “Skinner” Roubleux. “The Trap House around the corner had a poker tournament they catered, and that’s how I learned the store caters. I mean, they have both piroshkis and tamales in that one small area by the energy drinks they consider a deli and I even convinced them to make one of those big long sandwiches like in cartoons. Also this way I don’t have to keep track of who wants a beer or a seltzer or whatever because they have it all there already.”

Residents of the punk house agree that based on their track record from previous years, professional help was the way to go.

“Last year we had our friends over and tried to bake some Christmas cookies for them the night before,” said Sarah Deutch, who has lived in The Meat Mansion off and on for the past 11 years. “We all got stoned and ended up accidentally turning on the gas to one of the burners. The whole place was filling with gas for hours. Thankfully one of the stray cats we feed was smart enough to turn the stove off and open a window or we could have blown the place up. After that we said no more big cooking or baking projects.”

The corner store’s management says they’re seeing an uptick in special occasion bookings this time of year.

“It’s all essentially about how you lay things out,” said Lone Star Gas and Gulp assistant manager Angela Bunt. “First you gotta put all the hot items like nachos, burritos, and hot dogs in the same area so there aren’t drunk people tripping over the power cords. Then you gotta have the ‘holy trinity’ of Cheetos, Fritos, and Doritos set out front and center, that’s a must. Also during this time of year we’ll stack up some donuts in the shape of a Christmas tree and let you borrow a couple punch fountains to run red and green Mad Dog 20/20 through. They seem to really like that.”

Tenets of The Meat Mansion are already looking to plan another event after the corner store gas station threw in a carton of cigarettes and a dozen lottery tickets for them to use as party favors.

Dad Interrupts Viewing of “It’s a Wonderful Life” To Remind Everyone That Hunter Biden’s Laptop the Single Greatest Threat to Democracy

Posted on by Doug Kolic

AUBURN, N.Y. – Local dad Walter Morris reportedly interrupted his family’s annual viewing of “It’s a Wonderful Life” to inform them that Hunter Biden’s laptop may destroy American democracy, annoyed but unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I’m so happy we still keep the tradition of watching this heartwarming movie together each year,” stated Morris as he continued to drink more than he could handle. “I never get tired of seeing these characters realize the true meaning of Christmas, and thank my lucky stars I can share it with my loved ones in this beautiful country, or what’s left of it. Mark my words, Hunter Biden’s laptop will go down in history as the single biggest threat to our freedom-loving democracy. George Bailey may be a hero in this movie, but the real hero is the owner of that Delaware computer repair shop who blew the lid off our illegitimate President’s impeachable crimes.”

Morris’ daughter Brooke expressed how her dad has a history of ruining nice family moments with right-wing talking points.

“This is exactly why I’m counting down the days until spring semester starts,” explained Morris’s eldest daughter. “When I was here for Thanksgiving watching the Macy’s Day Parade he wouldn’t shut up about Benghazi and how many people he claims the Clinton’s have murdered, just as the adorable Snoopy float went by. He did something really alarming last time we watched ‘The Sound of Music.’ In that scene with the huge Nazi flag he stood up and saluted the screen. When stuff like that happens I almost wish he would bring up Pizzagate or the ‘stolen election’ for the millionth time.”

Relationship expert Ashley Nguyen described the need to be wary of relatives with hidden agendas during the festive season.

“The holidays are a time to relax, unless it’s spent with conspiracy-obsessed family members who use it as a chance to spread their divisive ideology,” Nguyen elucidated. “So it’s important to stay vigilant and not let your guard down. just because you’re watching a wholesome family movie, because these people can seamlessly go from commenting on Ralphie’s Red Ryder BB gun to the Biden family’s relationship with Ukraine’s Viktor Shokin and energy company Burisma that they saw on Reddit.”

At press time, Morris was planning to disrupt his niece’s upcoming school pageant of the “Nutcracker” by insisting to anyone who makes eye contact that the world needs to prosecute Dr. Fauci for his crimes against humanity.

Uh Oh: Snowman Who Just Came To Life a “Top Hat” Guy

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

ARMONK, N.Y. — An ordinary snowman who came to life through magic recently was revealed to be one of those insufferable “top hat guys” you see sometimes, increasingly irritated sources confirmed.

“At first, I was stunned! There really is magic in the world! You just have to believe! But, then it sunk in…this snowman is really leaning into the whole ‘top hat’ thing just a little too much.” said the original builder of the snowman, Ayannah Baker. “You know what I’m talking about? The ‘aren’t I wacky?’ mentality… it’s just not the energy I wanted at the time, even if it was a moment I’d dreamed of since childhood. Just seemed like the type of snowman that would say ‘methinks’ and ‘lady fair’…Ugh, keep that kinda stuff away from me, Flakes. Then the buckle on the hat broke and it became a whole thing. I just want a heatwave to roll through and end this for me.”

The snowman reports that, while he’s happy with his newfound sentience, he’s noticed the need to defend his sartorial choices.

“Aside from maybe Slash, I’ve found that humankind just isn’t sympathetic to a top hat guy, I’m sad to say. It’s not even my hat! Just the one that happened to bring me to life!” said the Snowman. “And I know, I know, before you say anything, I’m aware I’m not helping my case by initiating madcap impromptu parades down Main street and spouting off speeches about the importance of keeping the magic of the season with you throughout the year…but, that’s just me being me! I swear, it’s genuine! And c’mon, at least I’m not wearing the cape!”

Leading fashion expert Hedy Rhys explained that the history of the “top hat guy” is a troubled and arduous one.

“Any way you slice it, the ‘top hat guy’ is probably someone you wouldn’t want to be associated with. You’ve got the steampunker, the magician, the ‘ironic’ groom,” listed Rhys. “And, of course, the super-serious Abraham Lincoln impersonator, who you really don’t want hanging around, since a John Wilkes Booth impersonator is never far from them. And those guys are the absolute worst.”

“And yes, this list is going to include the odd snowman-who-just-came-to-life-through-a- magical-hat, it’s just logistics,” Rhys added. “But, hopefully with a little willpower, we can all ignore any signs of forced quirkiness, and try and have a happy holiday.”

After holding a recent press conference, the Snowman announced he would meet everyone halfway with “an enchanted Kangol he found.”

Opinion: Grandma Didn’t Die in a Horrific Knitting Accident Just for Me To Lose This Ugly Sweater Contest

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Today is the day: the highly anticipated annual office ugly sweater contest of 2022. A contest where irony and silliness reign supreme. But this year’s competition is different. I WILL be the last one standing, because I’ll be cold dead in the ground before I let my Gam-Gam’s tragic death be in vain.

Gam-Gam knew how utterly important it was for me to win this year, especially because she was there by my side each night when I cried thinking about how I was tragically snubbed out of every year for the past 8 years first prize. This year I know Gam-Gam is up there, looking down and cheering me on as I completely slay the competition.

As a matter of fact, the competition this year is just downright insulting.

Look at Derek from payroll, with his shitty, uninspired store-bought bullshit sweater. Or Carol from HR with her nice, cutesy, clearly not even ugly rags she has on. None of them compare to what I possess. Mine was created with love, and literal blood, sweat and tears. The unfortunate needle jamming into an electrical outlet my grandmother endured is the driving force giving me the power to be the victor. She DIED for this sweater.

As I stand here, in front of the judges/lovely ladies down in payroll, I recall the words Gram whispered into my ear as she was peeled off of the loveseat and laid onto that stretcher: She told me that I need to win, for her honor, to not let her tragic death be all for not. That or she said not to forget to feed her cats, I don’t know, it was hard to hear with all the ambulance sirens and hydraulic-powered tools going off.

The time has finally arrived, Debrah is fast approaching me, her grin is a promising start. All the melted hair and ribbon candy encrusted on this thing is sure to capture the rest of the judge’s attention. This one’s for you, Gam-Gam.

Rainbow Punisher Sticker Perfect for That Complete Fucking Wildcard In Your Life

Posted on by Noah Leavy

TUCSON, Ariz. — Consumer trend groups across the country saw a steep increase in sales of rainbow bumper stickers bearing the Marvel Punisher logo among consumers in need of a gift for the enigmas in their family, new reports confirmed.

“I first noticed these stickers on my drives to and from campus on eco-friendly electric vehicles as well as lifted trucks with rubber testicles hanging from the bumper,” said Dr. Anne Kindi, a Sociologist who studies consumer behavior at the University of Arizona. “The rainbow imagery is widely synonymous with LGBQTIA+ activism, while the Punisher symbol has been adopted by pro-police conservatives, often paired with the ‘thin blue line’ flag. The sticker’s sudden popularity either tells us that the combination of these stances is much more common than we previously thought, or that people have no idea what these symbols mean.”

Robin Flack, who bought the sticker for her niece, says that it “just made sense” when she saw it online.

“I don’t really understand my niece. Her favorite place to hang out is the gun range, but lately she’s been reading Anaïs Nin, so she’s hard to peg,” explained Flack. “Last year I got her a $100 American Express gift card and she cut it up in front of me saying she ‘she won’t participate in a capitalist society,’ but at Thanksgiving, she kept talking about how socialism destroys creativity or something. I really don’t know what the fuck is going on, so I guess the gay terminator sticker is the best I’m going to be able to do.”

Connor Stambaugh, a representative for Stickz.market, the company that designed and sells the stickers is excited by the sudden demand for the sticker.

“Look baby, these things are selling like hotcakes,” explained Stambaugh, while repeatedly raising his eyebrows and taking a cigar in and out of his mouth. “I don’t know why they’re so popular, all we do is combine flags with different logos randomly, and make them into stickers. Our last big hit was Thin Blue Line Rolling Stones Lips, but this Punisher sticker is really hitting home.”

“We got so many clams I could bathe in chowder every morning, and I’m gonna use it all to get my broad something sweet,” he added while starting to count a pile of gold coins on his desk.

At press time, researchers were further confused by the popularity of a decal depicting the Deadpool character peeing on Calvin.

Donald Trump: “The Three Ghosts Who Visited Me Last Night Were Very Rude. Phony. Apologize!”

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK —  President elect Donald J. Trump returned to Twitter to complain about three spirits who allegedly visited him late on Christmas Eve in an attempt to teach him the true meaning of the holiday.

“This Ghost of Christmas Past broad shows up unannounced — nasty woman, real Liz Cheney-type… she starts dragging me all over, took me back to military school, saying stuff like, ‘Oh, look at you hazing that poor student on Christmas day. You shouldn’t have done that,'” Trump recounted early this afternoon. “The fact is, I looked very good in that uniform — believe me, believe me.”

Trump, calling himself “a veteran of nine Christmas wars,” seemed particularly sensitive to criticism of his own military history. “I got more training Christmasly than a lot of the guys who go into Christmas,” he said of his schooling at New York Military Academy.

The Ghost of Christmas Present fared no better. “Then you got Ghost of Christmas Present floating around,” Trump said. “Looking into people’s homes, violating the constitution… This is a sick guy! Ya gotta lock up guys like that. Pervert!”

Secret Service agent Kevin DeLuca confirmed the first two ghosts were precluded by an apparition of Roy Cohn, the deceased former attorney who gained national attention during the McCarthy hearings, clad in chains and old rags. “At first [Trump] thought it was another hallucination,” DeLuca recalled. “He gets those when he eats too many Trump steaks right before bed. But I saw Cohn, too. Trump demanded I fire at him immediately — which I did, to no effect.”

Trump was not willing to comment further on the Ghost of Christmas Future, whom he described in a tweet as, “Tall, very black robes, mostly shadow. Sad.”

DeLuca later shed some light on the Future ghost’s vision. “No Christmas lights, no Christmas trees… no trees of any sort, actually. A quiet I’ve never known. There was just… nothing. Oh, mother of God!”

Meanwhile, Trump’s Twitter storm rages on.

“Ghost of Xmas Present says, ‘Come in, and know me better, man,’” read his latest tweet. “Won’t show birth certificate. Liar!”

Photo by Kat Chish.

What the Hell? The Thoughtful, Hand-written Card You Gave Me Doesn’t Have Money in It

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Wow! You put so much time, effort, and thought into this card. The problem is, that’s all you put into it.

Normally I would just say thank you and pretend to be happy and grateful, but this is the third year in a row I’ve opened an empty card from you, and this is my third beer in the last hour, so you know what? I’m going to tell you how I really feel.

You may not have noticed, but you seem to have left money, the only reason anyone wants to receive a card in the first place, out of it. The front is beautiful, it’s really amazing that you designed and drew all of this yourself, but I’m not sure what you expect me to do with this thing.

The guy at the liquor store isn’t going to accept it as payment. I can’t go to the bank and deposit this. My landlord isn’t going to reduce my rent in exchange for it. So, it’s not really much use to me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s super cool that you made this thing from scratch, but the money saved on a homemade card could have found its way inside of it at least. This is the season for giving. I understand that’s a vague term, but it’s implied that you’re giving something of monetary value. We’re adults for fucks sake. I didn’t have to give you a code to download my band’s demo for free on Bandcamp, but I did. That’s money I’m losing out on, which I won’t be making back thanks to this empty-ass card.

You must have spent hours on this thing, but my band spent hours recording that demo too you know. All of that time you took filling up both sides of the card with fond memories of the two of us, kind words, well wishes, and all that nonsense could have been spent walking to the atm to get a crisp 20 dollar bill. If you can’t be bothered to do that for me, fine. I know where I stand.

Look, thanks for inviting me over to your house for the holidays and all. The food was great, the space was festive and comfortable, and the company was warm and welcoming. But if it’s going to be like this again next year, don’t even bother. Thanks for the card I guess. At least it’ll make a nice coaster.

We Ranked the Top 20 Punk Christmas Songs and Deeply Regret Picking Such a High Number When We Pitched This List

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s Christmas time, and here at The Hard Times that means generating headlines that relate punk culture-type things to Christmas because algorithms. I thought I had a real softball with this punk Christmas song listicle idea. Unfortunately, I just said the first number to pop into my head, which was 20. I could have said “five” but no, I said 20.

My editor has made it clear that I’m not allowed to include covers, and if I fail I will be fired on Christmas eve. Here we go!

20. “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)” Ramones
This one ranks last on our list because I’m not actually ranking them in any particular order. I need to find 20 original punk songs about Christmas or I’m fired, I don’t have time for that crap.

19. “Fairytale of New York” The Pogues
Finishing out the two I can think of off the top of my head it’s every whiskey hipster’s favorite Irish band. “A Christmas song with a homophobic slur?!” It happened!

18. “I Won’t Be Home For Christmas” Blink-182
Tired of all that boring old Christmas music that all sounds the same? Spice up your holiday playlist with a Blink-182 song that sounds like every other Blink-182 song!

17. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” Mariah Carey
Show me where in the punk rulebook it says Mariah Carey isn’t punk and I’ll show you some weird poser with a punk rulebook. So tired…

16. “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy” David Bowie & Bing Crosby
No, I can use this one! Bowie is at least punk adjacent, and the “Peace on Earth” bit was written specifically for this collaboration so it’s not just a cover of a standard! Suck it!

15. “Punk Rawk Christmas” MxPx
Pretty on the nose but, well…

14. “Oi to the World” The Vandals
Not a cover!

13. “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” Fallout Boy
20 fucking songs. My hubris.

12. “Christmas is Cancelled” Bankrupt
Okay!

11. War on Xmas is Over (If You Buy It) – Anti-Flag
Seeing a recurring pattern here…

10. “Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass” All Time Low
God Christmas punk is stupid.

9. “I Ain’t Dreamin of a White Christmas” Direct Hit!
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.

8. “Xmas Has Been X’ed” NOFX
Everyone knows NOFX peaked in the post-George W. Bush era

7. Fuck Christmas – Fear
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.

6. “Happy Holidays, You Bastard” Blink-182
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.

5. “Bloody Unholy Christmas” Bloodsucking Zombies from Outer Space
So fucking tired. I just want it to be over,

4. “I’ve Got a Boner for Christmas” Nerf Herder
What a cool punk subversion of my Christmas expectations.

3. “Santa Smells Like Whiskey” The Fisticuffs
Almost there, come on baby…

2. “Homo Christmas” Pansy Division
It’s a Queercore Christmas Miracle! So close…

1. “Christmas at Ground Zero” “Weird Al” Yankovic
If you need convincing that “Weird Al” counts as punk you don’t even deserve Christmas, but this is a Christmas song about nuclear-fucking-armagedon, so, check mate.

I DID IT! I finished the list and salvaged my job! Now at Christmas diner when my dad says “You still working for that porn site or whatever?” I can proudly say “Yeah.”

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