Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Scandinavian Actor Can’t Remember Which Skarsgård He Is

Posted on January 2, 2023 by Ted Pillow

LOS ANGELES — A tall, blonde-ish actor with Scandinavian roots based in Hollywood is struggling to remember which Skarsgård family member he is, according to equally bewildered sources.

“This is really quite embarrassing, but there’s just way too many of us doing the same exact thing to even keep track,” remarked the unidentified Nordic thespian while practicing lines for his upcoming role as a vaguely European serial killer. “I live in a studio apartment, so I’m pretty sure I’m not one of the more successful Skarsgårds, like Alexander or Stellan. Perhaps I am the lesser known Swedish character actor and classical flutist Ploofhoven Skarsgård? I knew I should’ve splurged for an IMDbPro account.”

Despite an exhaustive search of film production records, sources were still unable to determine where the unknown actor fits within the extended Skarsgård family tree.

“He’s pale, bookish, and vaguely creepy, and he played the main villain in a major Marvel movie, but that doesn’t really narrow things down,” noted Variety reporter Sydney Kwan. “Unfortunately, there’s no shortage of northern European actors who have thrived in Hollywood playing various detached, sinister roles. In fact, he may not be a Skarsgård at all, but just that loser Peter Sarsgaard. He’s a bit worn looking, so he might even be a holdover from an earlier era. I haven’t ruled out that he’s actually an extremely malnourished Dolph Lundgren.”

in desperate need of assistance, the actor decided to reach out to the Swiss Embassy, and, more importantly, IKEA.

“Many people think we just sell modular, modernist furniture and meatballs, but we actually fulfill a multitude of roles in Swedish society,” explained Knutstorp Vokrupenham, IKEA’s Chief Forensic Investigator. “We requested a DNA sample from the actor in question and we will work tirelessly to identify which Skarsgård he is. At that point, like all Swedish citizens, he will be required to pay off his debt with three years in one of our labor camps assembling bunk beds and shelving units.”

As of press time, the still unidentified actor was working closely with Christian Bale to help prepare him for his upcoming starring role in a film about the life and times of Ploofhoven Skarsgård.

5 Seemingly Cute Animal Friendships in Which One Animal Always Had To Decide Where They Were Going To Get Lunch

Posted on January 2, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

Is there anything more adorable than two animals who become photogenic friends? While some people don’t find their hearts warmed by the sight of a rabbit and an owl who like to snuggle and take naps together, those people are likely sociopathic monsters. Everyone knows unlikely animal friendships are the best. There is, however, a dark side.

It turns out the emotional depth and complexity needed to forge partnerships that will turn you into a quivering pool of feels also create some weird, passive-aggressive relationships between animals that make one of the animals always have to do all of the emotional labor and always pick what they do for lunch, even though it’s the other animal that is always shooting down their lunch ideas.

Check them out!

Gherkin the Hamster & Pickles the Gerbil: We know what you’re thinking: two different kinds of pudgy rodents being friends? That’s crazy! But Gherkin and Pickles are best buds and do everything together from digging through sawdust to drinking water from that weird upside-down bottle thing. The only thing that’s concerning is how Gherkin always wants to do lunch but makes Pickles choose where they’re going to eat, and though Gherkin claims to be open to anything… she’s not.

Calvin Cockatoo & the Cat Who Lives Next Door: If cartoons taught us anything, it’s that a little bird and a big orange cat should be natural enemies! But these two good friends just love to hang out together without anyone eating anyone! In fact, no one ever eats anything at all, because fucking Calvin has a problem with every single Chili in town, but no ideas of his own.

Patient Gus & This Fucking Elephant: We stan the two-decade-long friendship between this Galápagos giant tortoise and this unnamed elephant, but we cannot for the life of us understand how Gus can deal with that peanut-eating asshole hemming and hawing for 90 minutes about whether they get Thai or Japanese, insisting that Gus decide, then immediately bringing up how much they like whatever he didn’t pick.

Alan the Otter & Alan the Black Labrador: These two love to swim together and have the same name and it’s so fucking awesome we cried, but that otter needs to realize he needs to put less pressure on other Alan to always come up with a new restaurant to go to and act like he’s weirdly disappointed if they ever go to the same place twice. It’s not your fucking birthday, Alan. It’s just lunch.

Taffy & Toffee: These two Golden Retrievers aren’t just best friends, they’re brothers! Too bad Toffee can’t go anywhere Taffy picks out because he has mysterious “allergies,” but won’t ever come up with anything himself.

Fuck’s sake, Toffee.

Sober Person Down to 3 Cases of La Croix A Day

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Goodrich Gevaart

CHICAGO — Recovered addict and veteran sober person Anna Caspian is happy with her recent reduction of La Croix consumption to three cases a day, impressed sources confirmed.

“Two weeks ago I hit five years sober from opiates, which has been really hard, but really worthwhile,” said Caspian. “But what’s been even harder for me now is not drinking sparkling water every second my eyes are open. I wake up at 5 a.m. now, start my gratitude work and journaling and will usually have seven cans crushed before the sun comes up. But I’ve slowed down recently, and now I only drink about 36 cans, three cases or so, daily. Last year I was drinking around 72 cans a day. 85 If I had to talk to my mom.”

Michelle Vincent, Caspian’s partner of four years, is pleased not only for Caspian’s habit reform, but for their monthly budget as well.

“We were heading to Costco a few times a week before,” said Vincent as she broke down a mountain of cardboard for recycling. “The greeters would remember us and say ‘there’s the bubble babes coming to buy us out of our whole supply of La Croix!’ It was nice, but the less I have to go to a place where old ladies call us ‘roommates’ the better. Getting our weekly supply from Jewel is now possible since Anna slowed down a bit on the bubble water. She’s even open to the store brand now, too, because she used to freak the fuck out if they didn’t have the Pamplemousse flavor in stock.”

Addictions counselors say they noticed a spike in sparkling water consumption amongst sober people in recent years.

“For most of my career if you went to a meeting, AA, NA, Al-Anon, anything like that, everyone would be smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. The ‘addict combo’ they’d call it,” said Michael Hemsworth, Addictions Specialist in Boca Raton, Florida. “But now everyone is drinking these little fizzy waters. I guess the jolt you feel on your tongue is nice, and kind of sparks the rush you used to chase with booze or drugs or risky behavior. It’s definitely healthier, so I like that element, but it really changes the vibe of sitting down with a bunch of other broken people, smoke clouds all around us and terrible coffee in styrofoam cups, talking about how bad our families are.”

At press time, Caspian is trying to be a ‘tea-person’ and recently purchased supplies to make ceremonial matcha, oolong and aged pu-erh.

Review: Balance and Composure “Separation”

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

Each week the Hard Times sheds a spotlight on a seminal album in punk history. Next up is Doylestown, Pennsylvania’s Balance and Composure with their 2011 LP “Separation” Let’s dive in, shall we- Hey wait a sec, what was that over there, scurrying into the cupboard? Why it’s that pesky mouse again! Why, I’ll get you, you little-

Sorry folks, let me bring you up to speed. You see, I’ve been chasing this damn mouse ever since I moved into this place a year or two ago, and frankly, the squeaky little so-and-so has been turning my life upside down at every turn.

And I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “Oh Joe, but he’s so cute in his tiny little overalls and straw hat!” And you know what? That’s exactly what he wants you to focus on! And why? So’s he can drop a priceless Ming vase on my cranium from the highest shelf. (By the way, note to self: move priceless Ming vases to lower shelves as soon as possible.) Honestly, I’m beginning to rue the day I took the little guy to the tiny tailor to get those clothes made up…

Today is no different. Here I am, trying to tell you nice people about B&C’s debut and I have to deal with a rodent with a vendetta against my peace and quiet. And don’t you suggest mousetraps, believe me – I’ve tried! He gets the best of me each time, and my doctor is getting worse and worse at stifling her giggling when she goes to unpry them from whatever appendage he’s suckered me into getting snapped, week after grueling week.

Why, even when I do manage to get a record on the turntable, he finds a way to make me think the turntable’s become unplugged. Three times now I’ve lumbered over to the outlet to plug it back in, and three times now he’s shoved my finger into the socket, causing my skeleton to light up inside my body. Cool once, maybe, but keep in mind: I said three!

I dunno, sometimes I think maybe it’s on me for always leaving large cartoonish wedges of swiss cheese, the ones with the aroma lines wafting over, out on the counter… But really, who’s to say?

Score: 8 stars, all circling my head from all the blunt force trauma.

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The Next Anvil? This Metal Band’s Career Relies on People Feeling Sorry for Them

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Chris Bowen

Some old-school heavy metal bands tend to reign supreme 40 years later. Some tend to fall under the radar unless you’re a true-blue hesher. And some metal bands stay in the weird, in-between “oh, yeah I know them, sure. It’s great they’re still going. Good for them!” status. No band fits that particular class of metal bands none other than Toronto’s own Anvil.

And much like Anvil, this promising up-and-coming group of sad sacks known as Leadfoot are at the helm of the modern-day “I’m trying my best, so cut me some slack” brand of metal bands. And by “up-and-coming,” Leadfoot is a decade old. And by “promising,” Leadfoot and their front man, Johnny “Shredmaster General” Owens, promises to keep the flame of underdog-metal burning while appearing pouty at each gig until enough people tell them “nice set.”

“I think it’s pretty badass to be compared to a mediocre band like Anvil, dude,” The Shredmaster General Said. “The way Lips and co. have chugged along for decades, releasing record after record only to be recognized millions of years later from a documentary about how bad the viewer should feel for them is admirable.”

Leadfoot’s manager and longtime enabler Richard Bosco believes the band he represents is on the right track to becoming the next “big thing” as far as pity-fueled metal bands go. “And as long as their 17 GoFundMes and ‘woe is me’ social media presence keeps going,” Bosco explained, “the entire metal scene will flock to support Leadfoot because they think the good karma will benefit them later on.”

Leadfoot’s other founding member and bassist Bud Walker believes the only true way to propel their career is to take advantage of the sorrow of the masses through a viral video or documentary of some sort. “People aren’t going to really see how big of losers we truly are without a documentary or viral Tiktok video of some sort, and that’s when I think our brand of metal will truly explode.”

At press time, Leadfoot frontman Owens was seen practicing his silly, sex-themed balloon animal shtick for their between-song banter.

16-Year-Old Fan of The Menzingers Already Nostalgic for His 20s

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Max Barth

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local teenager and die-hard fan of The Menzingers, Jesse Smith, appeared today to be “tearfully nostalgic” for his 20s, which have yet to occur, confirmed multiple sources who wish their friend would stop smoking so many cigarettes.

“I hear lyrics like ‘Where am I going to go when my twenties are over?’ and I start thinking about how I’ve wasted some of the best years of my life that haven’t happened yet,” said the actual child who has never spent a night away from home except for that one trip to Disney with his cousins. “I mean, it’s some heavy shit, right? When I look back a few years, and then forward another sixteen years, all I can think about is how I spent my young adulthood at bars and basement shows, drinking cheap alcohols, chasing my punk rock dreams, and having a bunch of like, sex and stuff. Probably.”

Smith’s parents say they have noticed a change in their son since he first heard the band on a playlist his older brother made him two months ago.

“Ever since he heard about them he’s been coming into our bedroom at night in tears asking if we remember when we met at Tasker-Morris Station,” said the boy’s mother. “We have no idea what he’s talking about. And he keeps telling my husband that he’ll never ‘drive to New Jersey again’ after a ‘Jersey girl’ broke his heart. He’s never had a girlfriend, we live in Michigan, and Jesse doesn’t even have his learner’s permit. But he seems to be pretty adamant that he’s got a winning lotto ticket from the state of Massachusetts that he wants to cash in Boston. I don’t know where he got it. He won’t show it to me.”

Members of The Menzingers report they often have young fans prematurely relating to some of the band’s common themes.

“We appreciate and love everyone that takes the time to check us out, especially the wistful suburban teenagers who stare out of car windows and feel sad about things that have never happened to them and likely never will,” guitarist Tom May. “We’d like to offer Jesse a VIP pass to our upcoming show in Detroit, which comes with a meet-and-greet with a real live therapist. Following that, he can see the show from the first row and can sing along with 35-year-olds who ditched their dreams at the first sight of health insurance.”

As of press time, Smith was listening to Wilco in his treehouse and crying over the children he hasn’t had yet.

Phish Fan Saves Money on NYE Tickets by Hallucinating Entire Show From Comfort of Own Couch

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Sara Mellas

WHITES CREEK, Tenn. – Local man Cory Romstead opted to ring in 2023 at home high as hell on his own couch after deciding to not attend this year’s annual New Year’s Eve shows at Madison Square Garden by famed jam band Phish, his gainfully employed roommate confirms.

“I haven’t missed one of Phish’s New Year’s Eve runs since I was twenty, but I just couldn’t swing it this year. I turned twenty-six in August, which is the age my parents said they’d stop paying my rent and car insurance, and when I lost their health insurance as well, and I don’t have access to my trust fund until I turn thirty, so I’m in a weird financial place right now,” said Romstead while defying the winter temperatures in cargo shorts and flip flops. “The tickets and travel are pretty expensive, so I decided to recreate the experience at home instead. I lined up my vinyls of ‘Billy Breathes,’ ‘Farmhouse,’ and’ Lawn Boy’ and ate five grams of mushrooms around eight o’clock. A little bit later, I started to see the stage lights and feel the vibrations, and then suddenly I could see the whole band playing right in front of me. It was incredible, like, dude…historic.”

Romstead’s roommate, Sam Steiner, also chose to enjoy a low-key New Year’s Eve.

“Cory asked if I wanted to join him, but I had dinner reservations with my girlfriend and I’d rather listen to three albums of koala bear mating calls than Phish. I left the house after Cory had just put on the first record,” said Steiner. “When I got home at 1 a.m., he was sitting in the exact same place on the couch, in total silence, just like, moving his hands in front of his face and staring at them. I didn’t engage and went to bed.”

Concert revenue analyst Nat Levinson is uncertain about how psychedelic at-home concert experiences will affect ticket sales in the coming year.

“There’s no denying that we’re heading into a brutal recession, and that will directly impact how much money fans are willing to spend on live music tickets,” said Levinson. “We project that streaming will become increasingly popular for viewing events more affordably, but if you’re telling me this kid had a full concert experience from doing shrooms, that’s certainly something we’ll have to consider. I mean, I took ayahuasca once and saw God, so I’m not surprised a few grams of blue meanies could help a person see Trey Anastasio.”

At press time, Romstead allegedly was looking into acquiring LSD for the Grateful Dead’s farewell tour live stream this spring.

Machine Gun Kelly Threatens to Cover “Aerials” Again Unless Five Million Dollars in Unmarked Bills Left at Secret Drop Zone

Posted on December 31, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Machine Gun Kelly threatened to once again butcher a beloved System of a Down song on national airwaves if federal officials did not meet his demands, confirmed law enforcement officials bracing for the worst.

“My first attempt at ‘Aerials’ was just a warning shot. At least I had a competent band backing me up. This time, my band will be made up of guys I picked up from Guitar Center on a Tuesday afternoon,” said Kelly while combining nearly empty bottles of pink Manic Panic hair dye. “Some of you might think you can tolerate another cover, but I’m gonna be scatting in between the normal vocal parts. It’ll be horrible. But this can all be prevented if my humble demands are met by midnight. I’m not playing around, and if there are any hero cops that try to stop me I’ll add ‘Wonderwall’ and ‘Zombie’ to my setlist. I have no problem destroying those songs forever.”

Veteran FBI terrorist negotiator Chris Powell is in charge of making sure the American public is not exposed to another Machine Gun Kelly cover.

“I’d rather have some psycho threatening to blanket downtown Los Angeles with mustard gas than deal with an out-of-control musician who thinks he successfully can blend genres,” said Powell while evacuating anyone within earshot. “The most difficult part of this whole ordeal is the fact that this madman put all his demands in the lyrics of a song that was given to us on a USB drive. All we have to do is listen to three minutes to get the drop zone coordinates, but so far we have only made it 30 seconds before shutting it off in disgust. The only person I know that might be able to listen to the whole thing is my dumbass nephew, so he’s heading here via helicopter as we speak.”

Music historian Amos Fleming says this is not the first time a pop artist has weaponized a terrible cover.

“Around 15 years ago, Hilary Duff covered ‘My Generation’ by The Who. It was a terrible rendition and got little airplay, but at a tour stop in Texas she held the crowd hostage and said she wouldn’t stop playing her version unless the US released certain prisoners from Guantanamo Bay,” said Fleming. “The federal government didn’t bend to her unhinged demands, and she played that damn cover for 16 hours straight. Over 400 people died.”

At press time, Machine Gun Kelly’s demands still had not been met, and he began warming up by posing in front of a mirror with his tongue out and throwing up devil horns

10 Famous Cartoon Characters Based on Green Day

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Green Day is one of the most successful bands that have ever been sort of punk adjacent, but did you know they inspired a whole bunch of classic cartoons? Check out these unforgettable animated features inspired by the band:

Top Cat

While many people think the 1960s cartoon Top Cat was based on the Sgt. Bilko character from The Phil Silvers show, it was actually inspired by Green Day’s origins as a group of streetwise cats who were transformed into human musicians by a witch’s curse.

The Misfits

The rival band to Jem and the Holograms, this one was a no-brainer once Hasbro realized how much Billie Joe Armstrong was ripping off the actual Misfit’s stage presence.

Cool McCool

Drummer Tré Cool actually came up with the idea for this suave, trench-coated detective who always wins and is loved by everyone and is allowed to write songs, and no one had the energy to ask if he was feeling okay.

McGruff the Crime Dog

This classic narc character originated from their “sell-out” period.

Gorillaz

If you look closely, you can see that the vacant, soulless eyes of Gorillas singer 2-D are a dead ringer for Billie Joe Armstrong circa Revolution Radio.

Chip N’ Dale

While it’s clear Billie Joe Armstrong is the level-headed leader Chip and the goofy Dale is bassist Mike Dirnt, did you know none of the Rescue Rangers are based on Tré Cool?

Dexter Holland

The lead singer of the Offspring is actually a composite character reflecting all the worst traits of the members of Green Day.

Jabberjaw

Despite popular belief, this drum-playing shark was not inspired by Tré Cool, but by “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” which can be clearly seen in the episode where Jabberjaw commits suicide.

American Idiot Kidz

This bubbly, lighthearted group of cartoon youngsters who expose the atrocities of American foreign policy in weekly episodes was inspired by the Iraq War!

Garfield

Billie Joe Armstrong hates Mondays! And that idiot Odie.