Heavy metal and parental outrage, name a more iconic duo. From the early days of rock n roll satanic panic, and even congressional hearings, metal was the focus of concerned parents and power-hungry church officials who just loooovvve to rag on that good time rock and/or roll without doing any inner reflection.
This was never more apparent than it was when Cannibal Corpse hit the scene in the ’90s, delivering the musical equivalent of slasher movies, and by opening hearts and minds (sometimes literally), which could have potentially allowed these concerned commoners a chance to do some inner reflection. Their music was gritty, fast, lyrics that make you skin crawl (if you could understand them), and album art that took the moralistic concern to the federal level, there was no denying that these guys could turn and remove heads.
But beneath the controversy lies one of the most consistent, if somewhat predictable death metal bands of all time. When your band is led by your BASSIST (Og bass shredder Alex Webster), you just know these guys are damn good. And that, if noting else requires our dear reflection through a broken mirror, on to the exact ranking of these albums.
16. A Skeletal Domain (2014)
Cannibal Corpse’s 2014 release, while containing all the fixings that one expects from the Buffalo Boys, sounds like they just “winged” it, with recycled riffs, unimaginative song titles, and relatively tame artwork. But since every band who has been around for 20 plus years is entitled to one album that doesn’t quite hit the mark, we can say with confidence that this one hits with force.
Play It Again: “Sadistic Embodiment”
Skip It: “Funeral Cremation”
15. Torture (2012)
Second to last on our list is Cannibal’s relatively tame outing with “Torture”. While still forceful, it lacks the pzazz of prior releases, and while passable, is noticeably lacking in any torturous elements. But 2012 was supposed to be the end of the world, so maybe the cannibal dudes just felt like having a good time unhinged from the gore and more that made them a household heavy metal name.
Play It Again: “Scourge of the Iron”
Skip It: “As Deep as the Knife Will Go”
12/13/14. Gallery of Suicide (1998), Bloodthirst (1999), Gore Obsessed (2002)
Ranking Cannibal Corpse albums is a task of Herculean might and Socratic intellect, and since we at The Hard Times possess only the liquor appetite and strength of Zeus’s arguably favourite son, we choose brute force for this one. Cudgeled together, and roughly stitched together in honor of our Cannibal overlords, these albums contain the cannibal assault, and when smashed together, probably sound good, but we need to clean the blood off our hand from the attempt to merge three CDs together. Plus, we kinda think all the bodies on the cover would look cool sewn together. METAL!
Play It Again: “I Will Kill You”
Skip It: “Drowning in Viscera”
11. Red Before Black (2017)
The final album with Pat O’Brien is running red hot with riffs, blood drips, and frets of fire, barbed wire and murder conspired. Like “The Simpsons” and Nostrodamus before them, these godly gashers may have predicted the incendiary future that awaited them following the album’s release.
Play It Again: “Code of the Slashers”
Skip It: “Only One Will Die” (Lacks Ambition)
10. Chaos Horrific (2023)
While Many Bands suffer from Mid Career Murder due to running on fumes and general discord, there was no such event in the Cannibal Corpse timeline, or even multiverse. What was instead delivered, was a delightfully devilish album, as legit as every prior entry, confirming them as the true Overlords of Violence.
Play it Again: “Summoning the Sacrifice”
Skip It: “Drain You Empty” (no room for negative spirits)
9. Evisceration Plague (2009)
Cannibal’s attempt to cash in on the then roving and raving zombie craze of the 2000s, not to be confused with “Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave.” The result is something between the shambling corpses of “The Walking Dead” and the ragers of Danny Boyle’s gold standard for zombie movies, “28 Days Later.” And just like that Cannibal Corpse stayed relevant into the 21st century, even if their sound was unchanged from its perfect recipe for carnage.
Play It Again: “To Decompose” (oh we wish)
Skip It: “Carrion Sculpted Entity”
8. Vile (1996)
First album with the adorably brutal teddy bear George “CorpseGrinder” Fisher, after the departure of Cookie Monster impersonator/Future Muppet Chris Barnes. The Band made the conscious, informed and democratic decision to up the ante, tuning their guitars all the way down to B for Brutal (well B flat if you’re a humorless nerd), perfectly setting the stage for later Cannibalism.
Play It Again: “Mummified In Barbed Wire”
Skip It: “Disfigured”
7. Violence Unimagined (2021)
Just from the title itself, you just know this album is going to be unimaginably good, especially after guitarist Pat O’Brien took on some violence of his own, just as unimaginable. While he doesn’t appear on this album, professional death metal bad ass Erik Rutan not only enters, but fills the void left by one of the most brutal guitarists outside of Dethklok. URG!
Play It Again: “Necrogenic Ressurection”
Skip It: “Murderous Rampage”
6. Eaten Back to Life (1990)
Ol’Dirty Bastard’s favorite Cannibal Corpse since it’s so raw, the debut Cannibal release revealed to the world the delicious recipe for carnage, with their most decipherable lyrics of all time. While the ingredients may have needed some tweaking, the raw delicious nature of the debut gave all who listened a bloodlust for more.
Play It Again: “Shredded Humans”
Skip It: “Put them to Death”
5. Kill (2006)
With its one-word title, back to basic production courtesy of future guitarist Erik Rutan, and less elaborate song titles, this album proved that the boys didn’t need elaborate high concept Saw-type torture chambers. Just a good ole machete, some cracked skulls and sadistically creative urge to KILL was all the band will ever need.
Play it Again: “Murder Worship”
Skip it: “Necrosadistic Warning”
4. The Wretched Spawn (2004)
A clear attempt at inciting even more violence in the masses, this wretched spawn commemorated 15 years of gore with more. So brutal in fact that Corpsegrinder almost had to change his name to Corpse Combine, and hospital admissions rose 2000% when millions of aspiring guitarists tried and failed to cover “Frantic Disembowelment” (fun fact the band only played it live once). Well, be the change you want to see in the world.
Play it Again: “Frantic Disembowelment”
Skip It: “Nothing Left to Mutilate” (not with that spirit)
3. Butchered at Birth (1991)
Stripping (no pun intended) away much of the thrash influences of the first album, with more emphasis on chaos, noise and raw (pun most certainly intended) aggression, Butchered helped Cannibal carve their way into the blooming death metal scene, and into our hearts, by way of precision slices and a hard cudgel courtesy of these crusty tunes
Play It Again: “Rancid Amputation”
Skip It: “Meathook Sodomy” (No Kink Shaming)
2. The Bleeding (1994)
Following the decision to swap Roberts, Cannibal Corpse replaced guitarist Bob Rusay with the decidedly more brutal Rob Barrett (his last name is even a gun company), Cannibal re-entered the studio and like a loaded gun, provided us with not just more explosive, but more technical riffs and one of the last great performances from Chis Barnes before he traded carnage for conspiracy theories. Now that’s how you follow up one of the best Death Metal albums of all time!
Play it again: “Fucked With a Knife”
Skip it: “She Was Asking For It” (in a post #metoo world, that’s a no fly)
1. Tomb of the Mutilated (1992)
Possibly the most beloved and dare we say beautiful death metal album of all time? The opening notes of “Hammer Smashed Face” count as legal permission to “open this pit up”, regardless of location. This album even got the band an opportunity to cameo in “Ace Ventura” (which has surprisingly become one of the less problematic elements of this film), proving death metal could be fun for the entire family, lest a lunatic not knowing left from right gets them in his sights.
Play it Again: “Hammer Smashed Face”
Skip it: “Necropedophile”

Not only do we feel nothing drinking Yoo-hoo, we taste almost nothing too. Is this the Mandella Effect? There is no way we could have given a shit about this chocolate drink at any age if it’s tasted this way the whole time.
Does indigestion count as a feeling? If so Lunchables gave us all the feels. It didn’t bring us joy or remind us of a time when the world seemed full of wonder and possibility, but we’re pretty sure we won’t be shitting for a week so hey, that’s something.
You think you can trix me into thinking healthy food is a treat by putting a fucking bunny rabbit on it and loading it with food coloring? Didn’t work then, doesn’t work now.
Sure it’s basically just a dollop of cheez-wiz and some club crackers with a shitty plastic stick for spreading, but these things were a staple of our childhood. We were pretty confident that with one bite we would be whisked away to that feeling of getting home from school, grabbing one from the pantry, and watching Simpsons reruns while Mom cooked dinner. The actual result? Shitty cheese-wiz on a shitty cracker in a cold, shitty world. Next snack.
To be fair we didn’t have high expectations from this one to begin with. Even as a kid, these things were vaguely disappointing when you opened them. 30 years in the freezer at Kraoszers has not done Raphael any favors. His mask and skin have basically faded into the same greyish color. We chipped a tooth on one of the gumball eyes, and we’re still too depressed to do anything about it. Definitely not a #nostalgiawin here.
It’s just a Ring Pop with more steps. Let’s try Ring Pop.
Tastes boring, and way more opulent than anything we feel like we deserve to wear. Next fucking snack.
Turns out it’s gonna take a lot more than three feet of high fructose corn syrup to fill the void we’re feeling. Remember just unspooling one of these and squeezing it into a big glob and just eating that? We did that to the whole box and can’t even feel the appropriate shame, let alone the shade of joy from times gone by.
Come on fruit barrels, take us back to field day in 4th grade when we went up against the teachers in tug of war and Mr. Heisner totally bit it and slipped in the mud and we won and cheered! Nope? Just gonna give us immediate heartburn huh? That’s fair.
We remember there being a tin of these at every family function and had high hopes that a little paper tray or two of these mostly butter, rock sugar-encrusted treats would fill us with a sensation of familial warmth. Other than a slight fascination with the fact that we just ate 3000 calories worth of Royal Dansk Butter Cookies, we feel nothing.
Not sure how these made the list to be honest, we’ve been mindlessly eating cheese balls pretty much non-stop since middle school. Let’s go ahead and see if this particular batch somehow shakes us out of this existential funk. Nope.
They were like Life Savers, only creamier, in case you’re insane. While they were discontinued for years, they re-emerged back in 2021 because it turns out a lot of people are in fact insane. We’re not really nostalgic for Creme Savers and don’t really see the appeal. We were hoping maybe the reason they inspired such a demand was that they secretly contained a bunch of dopamine or something, but no. Just hard, creamy sugar.
Growing up we had this pseudo ice cream cake every time our parents dragged us to dinner at Grandma’s, we think to trick us into looking forward to it. While eating it would certainly help you sit through dated racism and stories about how your town used to be all orange groves, it doesn’t bring us joy.
There was a time when puncturing an ice-cool Capri Sun and sucking the bag flat felt bodacious, tubular, and radical. We can remember the way the refreshing sugar rush made us feel like liquid Terminator X-game people like in the commercials. We would kill to be that susceptible to marketing again.
Narrowly beating out Capri Sun on our list is another nostalgic beverage, Kool-Aid Bursts. We put them a notch above Capri Sun for no particular reason as everything is pretty much the same and life has no meaning.