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Guitarist Kicked Out of Punk Band for Using Words Like “Arpeggio”

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Guitarist Leo “Injustice” Murphy was recently ejected from his former band, skate-punk outfit Lincoln’s Foreskin, over an incident where his use of technical musical language incensed his bandmates. 

“Yeah, it’s all just the most heinous fucking kind of insipid bullshit,” said Murphy while destroying his books on music theory. “Sure, I can talk like a goddamn baby and say ‘the thing where you play out the notes of a chord one at a time,’ but why would I? We have a word for it. I think people take the wonders of language for granted, and I can’t get behind it. I think we should use all the various tools for self-expression that we have at our disposal. Plus, it’s not even that fancy of a word. It fucking sucks that I’m losing the income from playing shows, too. Now I’m stuck trying to offload weak Ketamine on community college students to make a few extra bucks.”

Lincoln’s Foreskin drummer Marie Yang gave her side of the story regarding Murphy’s departure.

“Look, if I wanted to be talked down to, I’d start a band with my dickhole brother. If you want me to speed up, just tell me to speed up,” said Yang while sulkily hitting her vape near a dumpster behind a Chili’s. “You want me to slow down, tell me to slow down. Leo was actually pretty hateful about that one. I’m not some music grad, I’m just in a punk band, and I wanna talk like I’m in a punk band. Say loud, say quiet, don’t make some shit up. Fucking pretentious asshole.”

Kelly Loeb, a violist with the Chicago Philharmonic, provided some expert insight from the perspective of an actual bonafide musician.

 “I’m not totally sure I actually understand what the problem is here, but I’ll do my best. So, yeah, an arpeggio is a deconstructed chord. You play the individual notes that would make up the chord in sequence, instead of simultaneously. It’s very common in guitar music; I can’t think of any reason it would cause so much trouble in some shitty local rock band,” said Loeb apprehensively. “I hope this helps, but like I said, I’m not really sure I understand your question or why you’re so intent on bothering me about an idiot I’ve never met.”

At press time, when asked for comment, Murphy simply said that he “still won’t play fucking mathcore.”

Photo by Richard Bannow.