Scientists Confirm There’s No Way to Take Off Pullover Without Showing Everyone Your Belly

Posted on by Matt McInerney

NEW YORK — Scientists at the Fashion Institute of Technology confirmed there is no way to take off a pullover sweatshirt without showing everyone your belly, exposed sources confirmed. 

“We’ve tested every possible method to remove a pullover, but despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find a single foolproof way to prevent revealing your midriff,” said Remy Knight, an FIT scientist devoted to this issue. “You’d think one hand holding your shirt down while the other takes the sweater off would work, but countless trials have proven otherwise. It’s like texting and driving; people really overestimate their abilities, often with dire consequences. Our other big ideas like clips, tape, or tucking in, have also proven no match for the incredibly powerful force of a sweatshirt clinging to any material underneath. Truthfully, I think we’ve uncovered a new law of physics.”

Colby Barber is relieved to learn he is not alone.

“This happened to me last week when I foolishly walked into an indoor botanical garden wearing a pullover hoodie. As I was hit with a wave of greenhouse heat, I was forced to choose: expose my hairy belly to an atrium full of innocent bystanders or die of heatstroke,” Barber said, starting to sweat at the thought. “I try to stick to zip-ups as much as possible, but then laundry day hits, and I have no choice. I need to be able to regulate my body temperature, but the cost is public embarrassment. It’s almost enough to make me want to buy one proper jacket.”

Shelby Hill works at a company that manufactures pullovers and is working to solve this.

“As soon as we heard this news, we dedicated every R&D resource we have toward this problem. None have succeeded, but we’re making significant progress on a fleece material that causes nearly zero friction,” said Hill. “We’re even collaborating closely with NASA, who are interested in its modest application during spacesuit removal. Between that and our prototype of an advanced adhesive that bonds to only tummy skin, we think we’re on the cusp of the perfect solution. Well, besides zippers. Those and buttons work super well, but we make pullovers, not zip-ups, so obviously, those are out.”

At press time, a researcher was on the verge of successfully removing his pullover while keeping his shirt down but tragically died after forgetting to remove his hat first.

Just Because I’m From New Jersey Doesn’t Mean I Drive Like an Asshole, but Yeah I Always Do 110 Mph Down the Turnpike

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Pardon me, sir! Yeah I’m talking to you pal, roll your damn window down. I couldn’t help but notice you puttering along the highway like a student driver, so if you’d do me a favor and permanently get the fuck out of my way it would be appreciated.

Whoa buddy, no need to take it personally! Don’t assume that because I”m from New Jersey that I drive like a reckless asshole by default, but as it so happens I my speedometer never drops below 110 miles per hour on the Turnpike.

Yes, the stereotype about our driving is as common as complaining about the smell by the airport on the very same Turnpike, but we do put the pedal to the floor to get away from it as quickly as possible. I can’t be crazy if everyone else is doing it.

I can’t help but be pissed off as soon as I hit the road and see my astronomical property taxes paying six construction guys to watch one guy dig a hole. If anything, it’s my right to do a buck ten down any road I please and yes I am including school zones. That’s what we have crossing guards for!

If you grew up here you’d understand. As soon as I-95 turns into the Turnpike, we get spitroasted by dumbasses from Pennsylvania AND New York who’ve no idea where they’re going. If you don’t want to end up in a guardrail you should educate yourself on aggressive driving. The NJ driver’s license test covers all of that.

What can I say, driving like I’m trying to obtain liftoff is in my DNA. I’m sure you’re wondering “But Ben, do you still drive like a dickhead outside of New Jersey?” You’re goddamn right I do. It’s not my fault you schmucks take your sweet time driving little Timmy to soccer practice or whatever people do when not driving to the shore or picking up deli meats. I have places to be and meats to eat, and I will not hesitate to break the land speed record.

I hope that makes sense because I’m not going to repeat it twice. Enjoy your stay in our lovely state—what do you mean our jughandles turns are stupid? That’s it, I’m done being nice. Get the fuck out of the car so I can beat your ass properly.

Metal Band Stoked About Coming Up With Name Only Four Other Metal Bands Have Used Already

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PARMA, Ohio — Local metal band Devilskull were relieved when they came to an agreement on a band name that only four other bands in the genre have used over the years, several skullet-clad sources report.

“I hate to sound like I’m bragging or something, but it was totally my idea to use Devilskull after checking the Metal Archives and seeing how infrequently bands go by this name,” explained guitarist Dean Mitchell. “There’s some band from Canada who were active in the 1980s named Devilskul, yeah. And another from some country like Bulgaria or something. But no one knows them, and unless we get booked on some metal fest in Central Europe I don’t think there will be any confusion. And since we only play the same bar every third Saturday of the month I don’t see any issues.”

Friend and Devilskull “roadie” Clarence Shipman adamantly claims he was the one who coined the name for the band, and he deserves the credit.

“Listen, I came up with that band name fair and square! You know how difficult it is to come up with a name for a metal band that hasn’t been used like, 100 times already,” Shipman exclaimed, adding he should probably get credit for the other three bands using the name as well. “And I’m the one that had the foresight to like down @DevilSkull666Official on Instagram. Metal branding isn’t easy. Do you know how many ‘Poisons’ there are? How many ‘Incubuses?’ It’s absurd, and I’m not stopping until they admit I did their dirty work!”

Music historian professor Randell Sweeney says the issue of band names or artist names in general has plagued music for centuries.

“Unoriginality with band names has permeated throughout music since the early days of man, really. There’s only so many words and phrases one can piece together without making it sound hipsterish or just plain stupid,” Professor Sweeney stated. “Even names have been recycled. Have you ever heard of Billy Joel? Not that one, I’m talking about the Billy Joel who sang to striking coal miners in the 1920s. No? Neither did Mr. ‘Piano Man’ and he decided to say, ‘Fuck it, I’m Billy Joel now.’ It’s a good thing copyright laws have changed, we don’t need any more Billy Joels.”

At press time, Devilskull has gone back to the drawing board to rename their best song “Trial by Fire” after realizing it’s been used over 1,000 times.

Sam Mendes’ Ringo Movie Mostly Drum Fills and Smoking as Rest of Band Argues

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed film director Sam Mendes announced that his ambitious portrayal of the Beatles, which will be told through four separate films focusing on each member, will feature drummer Ringo Starr mostly chain smoking and doing drum fills while the rest of the band argues.

“The Beatles are already the most documented band in history. For this project I wanted to portray their own personal perspectives and how they intersected at crucial moments in the band’s timeline. After pouring over hundreds of hours of music and footage, we found that 80% of Ringo’s tenure with the band involved killing time behind his kit while Paul and John over chords as George tried to get one song in edgewise,” said Mendes. “I’m not trying to diminish his contributions, but what else was he supposed to do other than dick around watching three massive egos battle it out in the studio?”

Starr himself was more than happy to let Mendes tell his story, but insisted there was much more than what would potentially be depicted on screen.

“Peace and love, peace and love. We haven’t even got to the casting part yet and already I’m a little wary about my side of the story. Yeah, I remember more than a couple dozen times when I’d make sure my drums worked while smoking an entire pack waiting for George to tune his sitar. But I hope they don’t gloss over the fact that I was a competent songwriter, whenever I was allowed to participate in the process,” said Starr. “I just hope in spite of all this that whoever portrays me ensures that he can capture the essence of how awesome I looked while smoking and not being toxic recording ‘Abbey Road.’ Peace and love.”

Prominent Beatles historians have already expected the film detailing Starr’s time with the Beatles to be pretty much accurate.

“There’s obviously more to Ringo’s life than replacing Pete Best and being the least cool Beatles member. If the movie delves into his early life growing up in the hardass Dingle neighborhood of Liverpool it would shed some light on his ability to deal with conflict. But other than that he kind of just hung out and waited to count off when the others stopped yelling and Phil Spector wasn’t brandishing a gun,” said music historian Reginald Fitzsimmons. “But hey, at the end of the day he’s the only member of the band who isn’t hated by anyone, so in the long run his legacy is secure.”

As of press time, Mendes clarified that Starr’s biopic would also spend a significant amount of its runtime showing him daydreaming about what life would be like being in the Rolling Stones instead.

George R.R. Martin Admits “Winds of Winter” Delayed Due to Writing 8,000 Letters to Harry Styles

Posted on by Kelley Greene

SANTA FE, N.M. — American novelist George R.R. Martin admitted that his highly anticipated book “The Winds of Winter” was once again delayed due to the fact he spent the last month writing 8,000 letters to Harry Styles, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I’m sure fans won’t like this update. The book is still not done, but I’ve had a lot going on. I was working through a particularly difficult Arya chapter for ‘Winds’ when I decided to unwind and relax with a Harry Styles dance party. His music broke me out of my funk and inspired me to write again, so I had to let him know my feelings,” said Martin from his home covered in hundreds of One Direction posters. “Harry is truly everything I could dream of. The heart of a Dothraki warrior, the cunning of a Lannister lion, the honor of a Stark wolf. His motto ‘Treat people with kindness’ is beautifully unique and original. I’m sure fans are surprised to hear of my obsession, but I’m very pleased to learn that the letters did arrive safely, considering I sent half of them by raven.”

Chris Cowan, a fan of “A Song of Ice and Fire,” was surprised and disappointed by the news.

“Look, I already know how the series ends because I watched the worst final season of a television show in recent history. It was even worse than the end of ‘Dexter,’ which I didn’t think was possible,” said Cowan. “Even so, I’ve continued to wait patiently to read George’s version for over ten goddamn years. And then he comes out and admits he’s intentionally delayed the book so he could write 8,000 letters to Harry Styles? Fine, put Bran on the throne. I’m done. I’m going to go read Sarah J. Maas books instead, at least she delivers product.”

Lewis Holdrum, an attorney representing Harry Styles released an additional statement about Martin’s behavior.

“There is no other way to put this, but Mr. Martin is a stalker. The letters my client received from Mr. Martin are incredibly disturbing,” said Holdrum. “I’m aware that Mr. Martin is a fantasy author, but the fantasies he wrote about Mr. Styles are truly perverted. Personally, I’ve never seen anything so lewd. At least 3,000 of the letters contained incredibly detailed descriptions of feasts, with my client as the main course. Truly unhinged.”

At press time, Martin was seen at his ancient word processor adding a knight named “Harrold Stylings” to the first chapter of “The Winds of Winter.”

30 Underrated ’80s Slashers You Can Watch Instead of Becoming Employable

Posted on by Dan Rice

You’re a horror fan, and you’re starting to feel like you’ve seen it all. You’ve grown tired of such pedestrian debates as “’Halloween 3′ is underrated” and “’Prince of Darkness’ is John Carpenter’s best movie!” You’re looking to really sink your teeth into horror’s greatest decade, the 1980s, and uncover all those sweet sweet underappreciated gems that most people have never heard of. Because what else are you going to do? It’s not like you have a job or anything.

We’ve compiled a list of the 30 most underrated slasher films and ranked them by how likely watching them will make all of your problems go away. Just kidding! Only you can do that, and you won’t, and that’s why you’re here. Anyway, let’s count ’em down!

30. Hell Night (1981)

Out of all Linda Blair’s post “The Exorcist” movies, “Hell Night” is certainly… uhm, one of them. Four college pledges spend the night in an infamous house of horrors, unaware that it is the home of a maniac who picks them off one by one. It’s nothing groundbreaking and a little uneven, but if this one is on your radar, congratulations, you probably have no marketable skills.

29. The Mutilator (1984)

Years after a boy accidentally shoots his mother attempting to clean his father’s gun, the dad has a meltdown and seeks revenge against the boy and all his friends. Yes, it’s insane that this movie is bookended by the upbeat sitcom opening-esque song “Fall Break,” it’s a bonkers choice that does not match the tone of the film at all, but you really need to stop talking about it at job interviews.

28. Offerings (1989)

This movie has long been criticized as a shameless “Halloween” rip-off, but you yourself have long been criticized as an unemployable train wreck who just can’t get their shit together. The truth hurts is what I’m saying.

27. Moonstalker (1989)

It’s standard slasher fair but its unique snowy setting will give you something to talk about while dodging questions like “So how’s the job search coming?”

26. Slaughter High (1986)

A bullied high school nerd gets revenge on his abusers by staging a fake reunion and locking them in the school where he picks them off one by one. It’s no “Halloween,” or even “Halloween 5,” but what else were you gonna do today?

25. Death Spa (1988)

We all know the spa is supposed to be a place of health and relaxation, but what if, instead of that, they MURDERED you?! That’s the premise, and it’s more than you deserve. And hey, Ken Foree is in it! You know who he is because you haven’t had a job since before the pandemic.

24. Just Before Dawn (1981)

This is your classic young people in the woods being murdered formula with a fun twist totally worth blowing off that job fair for.

23. The Final Terror (1983)

The title is a little misleading. At no point do any of the characters get hit with overdraft fees and an eviction notice on the same day. Can YOU survive? Seriously, can you?

22. Curtains (1983)

6 women, each auditioning for the same film role at a mansion, are targeted by a deranged killer, but hey, at least they’re trying to find work. What have you done all day?

21. Nightmare Beach (1988)

A slasher villain who rides a motorcycle?! Oh shit, guess checking for entry-level job postings on Craigslist will have to wait, this demands your attention!

20. The House On Sorority Row (1982)

Of all the college sorority-based horror movies of the ’80s you can watch in the middle of the day instead of attempting to improve your life in any way shape or form, this is one you maybe haven’t done that with yet.

19. Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

Sure, the Friday the 13th franchise is far from underrated, but this one has always been the black sheep of the franchise and frankly, we think it’s about due for a “Halloween 3: Season of the Witch” type resurgence. It was unfairly maligned upon its release because it doesn’t feature Jason, focusing instead on a copycat killer, but it’s a perfect time capsule of peak ’80s sleaziness, and championing dumb opinions is the closest thing to a job you have.

18. The Initiation (1984)

Another sorority pledge gone wrong horror movie. Man, a lot of these horror movies take place at college. Probably best you don’t finish school.

17. April Fool’s Day (1986)

A competent, well-executed by-the-book slasher with a fun twist that will leave you, well, pretty much the same unemployable mess, but you’ll have seen this movie!

16. The Burning (1981)

While largely underseen, this slasher inspired by the legend of Cropsy has long enjoyed cult-classic status among horror aficionados. If you haven’t already seen it, face it, you have time to watch an ’80s slasher where you see Jason Alexander’s big ol’ butt, and while that might not be an ideal mode of life, you should take advantage of the perks.

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Vocalist With Trust Fund Opens Show With “What the Fuck Is up, Williams-Sonoma?!”

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

CALABASAS, Calif. — Shoppers at The Commons were treated to the stylings of local hardcore band xMOSTxSINCERESTx, who opened their set in the shopping center’s popular destination for high-quality cookware and home decor with a welcoming, “What the fuck is up, Williams-Sonoma?!,” delighted sources confirmed.

“Hardcore is for everyone,” said the band’s vocalist and heir to the Worthington Biotech fortune, Harris Worthington III. “I mean it. Regardless of whether you grew up on the streets or whether you, let’s just say as a totally random example, have a grandfather who made his fortune selling chemical weapons to various warlords and dictators throughout the world and then invested that war profiteering into DNA sequencing, thereby ensuring his lineage will live in height if luxury til the end of time. Either way, we’re all part of the same scene, and anyone who says differently is a gatekeeping, which is way worse than anything my ancestors did.”

As shoppers entered the store they were greeted by the band’s roadie, Doug Lincoln, who insisted everyone, including Williams-Sonoma employees, pay the $5 cover.

“Honestly I thought we were donating to children in need,” said Katrina Paige, a local shopper, “But that’s ok because I support the arts. It’s certainly not the music I’m used to hearing in there. But seeing and smelling all those tattooed folks doing karate moves really added a new and different ambiance to the place. And the aggressive yet positive and nondescript lyrics really got me in the mood to not only buy a new crepe pan but also get a pasta crimping tool with a marble handle! Plus I learned what a ‘Wall of Death’ is. So that was neat”.

Longtime members of the Southern California punk scene were not surprised by the event.

“I think this gonna become pretty commonplace,” said scene veteran and punk historian Brad “Torture” Chambers. “As more and more punk spaces and music venues in general get closed down, bands are having to find more unique settings to play. And it seems to all be relative to where the band feels comfortable performing. I heard Revocation is playing at the Dunkin’ in Glendale on Wednesday. Cannibal Corpse played Target last month. Even Turnstile has a set scheduled this weekend at the Urban Outfitters at the PacSun in The Galleria. I didn’t even know those existed anymore.”

At press time, Harris Worthington III was heard on the phone outside of the band’s 2024 Mercedes Sprinter van trying to book a show at Erewhon.

Fuck: Team Lead Wants To Make Meetings Fun

Posted on by Charles Bill

Shit. This is bad. We just had the first of our daily stand-ups with the new team lead, and he’s trying really hard to make meetings fun.

I’ve been worried about this for a long time. Our old team lead simply pulled up the agenda and made us talk about what we did the previous day. I didn’t know about any of my coworkers’ pets, family, ambitions, hopes, or dreams. And we were all so happy. Now the new guy is asking about our weekends and waiting for us to answer. It’s a fucking nightmare man, I just want to grimace through the meeting and make it back to my cubicle to play Tetris.

I don’t have that many fun facts about myself and he keeps asking. Guess what Greg, my life isn’t fun it’s fucking miserable—that’s why I work in software engineering. And honestly, I’m starting to question the fun of these other facts. Having six pets isn’t fun Angela, it’s concerning.

I walked past the meeting room and saw him writing topics on Post-It Notes and dropping them into a bowl. Sure enough, later in the meeting, I had to reach my hand down and talk about my best time on vacation. I swear this man is going to absolutely crash morale with his attempts to make us mildly sociable.

I wore a Chargers shirt one day and I can’t hear the end of it. Every Monday I have to listen to another playful ribbing about Justin Herbert and Brandon Staley. I don’t even watch football, my aunt from LA just sent me the shirt for Christmas. If this jackass tries to take a genuine interest in something else from my life I’m going to snap.

At the end of the day, he’s just trying to be our friend. And that is something I absolutely cannot forgive. It’s not what I signed up for, it should be illegal, and I’m looking for a new job immediately.

Metal Musician Writes Moving Song About Girlfriend If She Was a Dragon

Posted on by Cory Cousins

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local metal musician Draven Whitlock revealed this week that he completed a touching song combining his two greatest desires; an eternal relationship with his girlfriend and fucking a dragon, sources close to the passionate songwriter confirm.

“Sure, my girlfriend is great in her basic human form,” noted Whitlock. “She works tirelessly for a non-profit helping people in the community for little pay, has a great sense of humor, and shows me unconditional affection and love on a regular basis. But does she breathe fire and have huge sexy dragon tits? No. This ballad is a tale of love and what could be. It tells the story of a brave knight, who I loosely based on myself, scaling a mythic mountain to seduce the dragon. The mountain is loosely based on her old apartment which was at the top of a big hill, and then I had to walk up four flights of stairs.”

Upon completion of the fantastical composition, Whitlock performed the song for his girlfriend Jesse McDaniels.

“I’ve always been super-supportive of Draven and his musical endeavors, but this one kinda hit me on a personal level,” admitted McDaniels. “So like when he wrote, ‘Forged from Hell, Your fiery gaze empales, Our love but a dream, As I bust all over your scales,’ I couldn’t help but feel somewhat inadequate. I suppose I could get some horns surgically implanted or dragon wings tattooed on my shoulder blades, but this is all getting a little tiresome. I tried taking a glass to learn how to breathe fire but ended up burning off my eyebrows, so I’m kind of over this.”

Dr. Ingrid Axelsson says being in a relationship with a metal musician can be difficult.

“I see the same story play out over and over again,” said Dr. Axelsson. “It seems to be a common thread amongst metal musicians to anthropomorphize their loved ones in order to live out some lascivious fantasy. For example, I once had a former client who wanted to change her husband into some kind of half-man, half-Cthulhu creature. Patently ridiculous, of course. The tentacles alone would be highly impractical and cumbersome in the bedroom. My advice to their partners is simple. Run as fast as you can!”

At press time, Whitlock apologized to McDaniels and promised to modify the song to be about a more physically attainable creature such as a pixie or mermaid.

Bootlicker Seamlessly Transitions to Trump Sneaker Licker

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW WINDSOR, Md. — Longtime cop enthusiast Lou Mandin seamlessly transitioned from a locally known bootlicker to a Trump sneaker licker after purchasing the former president’s new footwear for $399, sources confirmed.

“Believe me, if cops had an official line of sneaker I would own a dozen of them. Until then I will simply continue to donate 40% of my paycheck to my local enforcement by slipping it under their door in the middle of the night out of respect,” said Mandin. “Everyone tells me I’m a sucker for buying these gold sneakers. But would a sucker also have several MAGA hats, ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ shirts, Trump NFT, imitation Mar-a-Lago classified documents, Trump beach towel, a ‘Hillary for Prison’ flag displayed above his mantle, and a life-size painting of a shirtless and jacked Trump riding a velociraptor while firing two machine guns into the air? I don’t think so. Some people show their political support by voting. I do it by wearing the presidential candidate’s high-tops. Also, I’m not even registered to vote, so this is the best I can do.”

Acquaintances of Mandin were concerned with his willingness to hand over that amount of money for something so trivial.

“What a sad excuse for a human being,” said longtime coworker James Hedway. “You’re telling me this guy spent 400 bucks because the 45th president of the United States told him to? What a tool. That money could’ve been spent more wisely. For instance, he could’ve used that cash on a $100,000 philosophy degree like I did. Sure, I haven’t been able to use it as a career no matter how much I tried for a couple of weeks, but at least he’d have critical thinking skills like I do now. Only three more decades to pay this loan off. Seriously, what an idiot that guy is.”

Experts wondered why extolling authority at all costs seemed to be selective.

“Typically, conservatives admire authority figures on the local level as much as they do on the federal one, despite routinely feigning disdain for the government,” said political strategist Louisa Burbank. “They claim they don’t like to be told what to do, but they’ll certainly buy whatever they’re told to. It’s like they adore authority until they’re asked to wear a mask in public because it might help someone from spreading an illness that kills people. Then they’ll lose their minds. Scientists are still trying to decode the cognitive dissonance there.”

At press time, Mandin was seen printing out a Google image of Trump’s new sneaker to look at while he awaited for them to arrive.