MILFORD, Del. — Local punk band The Vengeful Squirts were visibly more upset over the cost to park their van at Kindred Memorial Hospital than the fact that bassist just died, according to sources who had to sanitize everything they touched.
“Man, things like this really put life into perspective,” stated frontman Scottie Ratz as he rummaged through a parked car that he just broke into looking for some cash. “Just a few days ago we were having a blast jamming in the garage, and now we’re thirty bucks lighter. Not only that, but those fascists also gave us a parking ticket just for parking in a handicap spot, so now we’re doubly fucked. Oh, and I guess it’s kind of a bummer that our long-time bassist just croaked too. Fuck me, does no one carry actual dollar bills anymore?”
Nurse Karen Watkins described what she witnessed when she entered the deceased’s room.
“His friends seemed absolutely heartbroken. They were yelling and punching the walls, I had never seen so much raw grief before,” said Watkins. “But after I expressed my condolences, I realized they were just pissed off about the parking fee, not about their friend literally dying in front of them. When I told them to stop fighting and to concentrate on the fact that they were now standing over his dead body, they insisted he was probably just faking because he didn’t want to pitch in for the ticket. Then they quickly left, stealing as many meds as they could carry.”
Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Denkovski explained how artists are often so cash-strapped that it dominates everything in their lives.
“Working in the arts often doesn’t pay much, so musicians are constantly having to stretch every penny,” Dr. Denkovski said while playing with one of those Newton’s cradle things. “From the first time a band gets together, their entire existence is about how they can obtain the basic necessities of life in order to continue making music. To the rest of us normies, a close friend passing away would be the ultimate tragedy, but to dirt poor musicians, thirty bucks is probably the difference between ordering a fresh pizza and looking for discarded leftovers on garbage day. In that regard, they really are closer to feral animals than humans.”
At press time, the band missed the bassist’s funeral as they were busy fighting their parking ticket in court.