NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local man Max Broderson reportedly ended a romantic viewing of “Fast & Furious 6” by asking his date if she also climaxed, sources waiting patiently for an Uber confirmed.
“I am an attentive lover first and foremost. The Fast franchise is about family and looking out for each other, and so I want to make sure my date is having a good time and also getting her needs fulfilled,” said Broderson from the studio apartment he shares with two other roommates. “For example, I’d be happy to play ‘Fast & Furious 7’ I just worry because this relationship is so new I’m not sure if I want her to see me cry when Paul Walker and Vin Diesel drive away from each other at the end of the film. Rest in peace Paul, I hope to see you when I get there. But if she needs the next four movies to get over the top I’m willing to do it, especially because I know some women can take a while. I can go all night, or at least for all 17.5 hours of the franchise.”
Broderson’s date, Kelsey Turner, confirms the interaction was one of the most surprising sexual encounters she has ever had.
“I thought Max was exaggerating when he told me he will ‘literally cum his pants during the airplane sequence,’ but I guess he was dead serious,” Turner said. “When he asked if I came, I had no idea what to say. I mean, I’ve faked orgasms before, and I’ve also faked liking ‘Fast & Furious’ movies, but never at the same time. I just told him I got close but am on Prozac.”
“Fast & Furious” franchise producer Randall Henrickson addressed the recently discovered phenomenon of women failing to experience orgasms during the movies.
“It’s disappointing to hear that these films aren’t making every woman that watches cum so hard they forget their own phone number, that has always been our intention,” Henrickson said.
“Are we sure there’s not a third variable at play here? For instance, let’s imagine a woman—for the sake of the example, let’s call her ‘my wife.’ And let’s say you play ‘my wife’ all 10 ‘Fast & Furious’ movies and she still reports no climactic sexual pleasure. Is it possible that the woman is simply too distracted or too in her own head to fully let the action sequences take control of her body and rev through her loins like you can? Has that been taken into consideration when we calculate the figures?”
At press time, Broderson was seen offering his date more foreplay and putting on “The Godfather 3.”
It’s difficult to imagine that a supergroup made up of members from Good Riddance, Descendents/ALL, Bane, and Hagfish would release a subpar album for their debut, and Only Crime did not disappoint with “To the Nines.” This is melodic hardcore at its most crowd-pleasing. Not too hot, not too cold, not too melodic, not too hardcore. And featuring several band members to make you ask yourself “where do I know that guy from?”
As much speed-metal as it is punk, “‘Til the Livin’ End” is for when you crave an all-out auditory assault. If a stranger recommended a band, Zeke would be the one you should check for fentanyl before you try it. Despite being known for their balls-to-the-wall 20-minute albums, Zeke dragged this one out to a staggering 31 minutes, the longest in their catalog by an enormous margin.
Dennis Jagard is back to show off just how nasally his voice can be. This southern California native pushed the pop-punk whine to such an extent on this album that casual listeners might mistake it for a NOFX B-side at first. “Subliminable Messages” is another great album about how hard life can be when you grow up skateboarding in the suburbs.
Hailing from the same Los Angeles suburb as Ten Foot Pole, and fronted by their original singer, Pulley’s “Matter” brings a similar brand of SoCal skate punk, but with more metal influence. Singer Scott Radinsky spent 11 years splitting his time between touring punk bands and pitching in Major League Baseball. His 2002 retirement from baseball provided the free time to focus exclusively on Pulley. And eventually also his career coaching in MLB. This is a man terrified of sitting still.
You may remember this as the album that had “Reach For the Sky” on it and not much else, but it’s an enjoyable way to spend some time, even if every song sounds exactly the same. It has a bit less outlaw country vibe, as Mike Ness was able to get it out of his system during a 1999 purge that gave us two solo albums.
The Vandals were issued a cease and desist by Variety magazine for copyright infringement on this album cover. Being sued by a major publication is always punk and it was a legal battle that stretched nearly eight years. Anyway, The Vandals are always The Vandals and this album showcases The Vandals.
This Russian group started as a typical sounding hardcore band in the early ’80s before transitioning to ska-punk in the mid-’90s, presumably after the end of the Cold War finally exposed them to Western music. “XV” is a high-energy album that relies mostly on the guitars to let you know you’re listening to ska, but if you don’t believe them, they have the trumpets to back it up.
This was when the Celtic-punks in Flogging Molly realized they could be more Celtic than punk and still wow crowds with the sheer number of people on stage at their shows. The driving, chaotic energy of their first two albums still lies under the surface here, but with better sound mixing so the drums complement the other dozen musicians, rather than taking center stage.
This is admittedly one of Tiger Army’s tamer albums. They’ve cooled off a bit since “II: Power of Moonlight.” Or they’re possibly worn out from lugging a stand up bass around on tour for five years? Either way, this is a more mellow listen than their first two albums. Singer Nick 13 made a point, however, to include that megaphone vocal effect on a few tracks to remind you that yes, this is a psychobilly album.
Despite being the band’s highest-charting album at the time, Chuck is mostly forgotten by people who think that Sum 41 only ever wrote songs about parties and skateboarding. In this departure from their earlier pop punk albums about parties and skateboarding, Deryck Whibley shows that even at an alleged 5’4”, he can confidently hold his own as a hardcore vocalist.
You know that scene in “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” when Prince John is talking to Latrine about her name and he says “Wait, you changed it to Latrine?” and she replies “Yeah, it used to be Shithouse.” Well, that’s a similar thing with A Wilhelm Scream since they were originally known as Smackin’ Isaiah, it’s a good change and a good album.
Did you ever wish your favorite skate punk band had way more reggae influence, but not quite as much as Sublime? That’s “Andiamo. “Jason Devore fires off vocals at machine gun speed but still slows it down through melodic sections with ease. Whatever you want to call this genre that Authority Zero has concocted from punk, surf rock, reggae, and melodic hardcore, they are the best that has ever done it.
Milo’s celebrated return from eight years in the biochemistry lab showed us that there was still space in the punk scene for albums that had comic guys on the cover. Despite attempting twice to quit punk rock and pursue a career in science, Milo chose to be the nerd in a room full of punks, rather than the punk in a room full of nerds.
This album marks the moment when their production quality stepped up. Finally they sounded less like an ’80s DIY hardcore band, and more like a ’90s DIY hardcore band. “On the Front Line” was released in both English (2004) and Spanish (2005). “En la Linea del Frente” is faithful to the sound and pacing of the original English language album in a way that only Shakira had successfully pulled off before this.
Tim McIlrath wants you to know, from the second this album starts, that you are about to be screamed at for the next 40 minutes. Lyrics focus on themes of apathy in society, as McIlrath had not yet tapped into the political rage that only a vegan straightedge punk can properly muster. The only real negative about this album are the mandatory-for-the-era screamo breakdowns stuffed into nearly every song.
You can admit you like this album, it’s ok. At the time we all mocked MCR and their legions of buckle-clad fans at the Warped Tour. But like it or not, the band that publicly presented as Emo stands next to Blink 182 as the ambassadors of the early 2000s pop punk scene. This was the album of choice for millions of self-proclaimed punks who wanted to annoy their parents when they blasted it and screamed along to “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”
Green Day decided they were finally respected enough to get weird with this one. “American Idiot” was marketed as a modern rock opera. They used that term unironically and none of us tried to stop them. Your friend who rocked a mohawk with his T-Mobile Sidekick was secretly listening to this on his headphones while he denounced Greenday for not being “real” punks anymore.
This is punk perfection from start to finish. And since Bad Religion didn’t rush to release this anti-war masterpiece in 2003 like their peers, they were able to include the timely “Los Angeles is Burning” about the fires that tore through the city late that year. This song saw the most commercial success from the album, while also earning the distinction of being the first song in punk history to mention jacaranda trees by name.
