SAN FRANCISCO — Local 39-year-old punk Martin Brown finally succumbed to a pair of plush slip-on Skechers walking shoes after years of wearing Doc Martens, platform jackboots, and various buckled, zippered, and lace-up off-brand buskins, sources confirmed.
“What, these?” said Brown after trying to slink past the back pool table at Molotov’s. “My spirit still wears the black Bruno Marc combat boots I bought at Buffalo Exchange years ago. But my body just went to the podiatrist, and she noticed growths of nerves between my toes and, let’s just say, she’s thinking it’s neuroma. She prescribed me orthotic inserts and Skechers with Max Cushioning. I have to say, they’re quite comfortable. I can now walk to get my mail without having to tend to an alarming amount of blisters, blood-stained socks, and foot deformities as a result.”
Fellow punks looked on aghast as Brown slipped one off and shook its Memory Foam heel trying to get a pebble out.
“Oh, no,” said Brown’s longtime friend Cherly “Knife” DeBelle. “Not Martin. I’ve looked up to this dude since I got to the Haight. He’s from the old scene. But now, with the cloud shoes, he sort of looks—and sounds—like an old dentist. I even watched him wet a paper towel and lean to wipe his dusty midsoles. I guess that’s better than the time he bought a pair of Docs that were four sizes too big so he could wear his new Skechers inside them. It fooled no one.”
Members of the footwear community remain unshaken by the aggressive downshift in Brown’s vigorous attire.
“Aging punks are one of our biggest demographics,” said Skechers CEO Walt Northweather. “They spend years scoffing at our brand, believing feet should be anything but comfortable. But in time they all come around. We have a whole department devoted to ferrying rebellious, anti-establishment delinquents from blisteringly stiff leather to the kind of comfort we can all get behind. That’s why your local shopping mall has one of our suppliers, like DSW, between a Spencer’s and a Hot Topic. After a certain age, punks can’t resist.”
At press time, Brown was seen safety-pinning a fleece dog collar around his neck, claiming his old leather one’s “really starting to chafe.”