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Hardcore Frontman Midway Through Rambling, Philosophical Monologue Informs Audience That All of Venue’s Doors and Windows Have Been Locked From the Outside

TYLER, Texas. — Local hardcore band Crate Full of Saws recently alarmed audience members when, in the middle of an unfocused and seemingly endless speech, the band’s frontman communicated that all of the venue’s means of egress had been firmly locked from the outside, suddenly very nervous sources confirmed.

“He was going on and on about unity and how we are all of the same blood and a couple people went to step outside for a smoke and that’s when we were told there was no escape. I really can’t believe I’m trapped listening to this low-rent philosophy lecture right now,” said showgoer Teresa Chandler while frantically checking latches. “I don’t even know who this band is, but for the past twenty minutes I’ve been forced to listen to this weird diatribe, he’s actually pulled up a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of loyalty. This should be considered illegal detainment.

Crate Full of Saws frontman Steve “The Prophet” Howard took a brief break from his ongoing remarks to remark on said remarks.

“I’m just trying to keep it real out here! I believe that a positive mental attitude is the most important part of better living,” began Howard before obviously losing this thread as his eyes glazed over. “I also believe that the Gulf of Tonkin was an inside job by the Disney corporation, women voters are the reason that the moon landing wasn’t faked, and that Sigmund Freud didn’t die, he just got really sleepy. So I’ve been trying to tie all that into this spiel as well.”

Local Fire Marshal Peter Stiller expressed his disapproval for locking people inside a building under any circumstances.

“I’ve seen this happen too many times. Some new hardcore band realizes they only have 10 minutes of material for a 20-minute set so the frontman is tasked with lecturing everyone. But imprisoning people while ranting about the scene is a bad idea, this venue already has two strikes against it,” stated Stiller. “I’m shutting this crap down, if they want they can finish up their little conspiracy seminar in the parking lot, but I’m guessing by the way everyone is all bolting for the doors that that’s probably a nonstarter.”

At press time, Crate Full of Saws had cornered the show’s promoter and claimed that Howard’s speech put them long over their set time and they should get paid double.