15. Cosmic Brownies
Once someone like Guy Fieri gets on TV and gives you permission to put potato chips on a bacon cheeseburger, it’s hard to squeak any joy out of simple high-fructose snacks. Or maybe you hit 30 and your brain just stops making happy drugs. Either way, these are not hitting.
14. Shark Bites
At this point, we were getting desperate, so we decided to stack the deck a little. We opened a whole box worth of Shark Bites packages, piled every great white in the box into one glorious handful, and shoved them into our mouth while listening to Rage Against The Machine and playing “Goldeneye” on the Nintendo 64. Nothing. We’re beginning to wonder if we’re really alive at all.
13. Hi-C Ecto Cooler
They don’t sell it in stores, but if you grew up on “Ghostbusters” like we did you can actually get them prescribed as an antidepressant. Well, they might work, we’re not depressed after all. Depression would be feeling something. What we have is a much worse, a sort of existential apathy. At this point we’re starting to think being given a fully functioning proton pack wouldn’t raise our mood one iota.
12. Hostess Fruit Pies
Wait, I’m getting something! A feeling or, at least, the memory of a feeling. I feel.. I feel… disappointment. Oh yeah, I remember now, these things always sucked. They should be good! All the pieces are there. Well, at least one of these snacks is affecting me exactly how I remember.
11. Fla-Vor-Ice
Remember how you could kind of suck on these through the wrapper and get all the sugary juice out, and then you would just be left with this like bland frozen turd? That’s me. That’s how I feel. A bland, flavorless ice turd with all the juice sucked out.
10. Scooby Doo Gummies
This seemed like a heavy hitter. Not only is it a sugary treat from our childhood, but it comes shaped like Scooby Doo characters, a show we watched during said childhood! It should have been a nostalgia double whammy. Instead, it makes the fact that we ate a whole box and still feel like a husk that was once a human being all the more real and devastating.
9. Squeezeits
Ranked higher than any beverage on the list because they did make me feel something—vague guilt over sucking the life out of this anthropomorphic bottle.
8. Kudos Bar
Holy shit, we forgot about Kudos bars! They were like granola bars but with candy and good and terrible for you! Maybe it’s the fact that we’re old enough to see through the fake health food angle, maybe we’ve lost our sweet tooth, or maybe it’s the fact that we’ve reached a point in our lives where our top pornhub search is “someone nice,” but yeah, these kudos bars are just not making us happy.
7. Dunkaroos
Seriously? Fucking Dunkaroos aren’t getting the job done?! What is this, am I in a simulation? Does the Matrix not know how to tell my brain that I’m literally eating frosting? Fuck man.
6. Butterfinger BBs
The team worked hard to track an edible bag of these things down, and we worked really hard to be excited about them. We made a YouTube playlist of every Bart Simpson Butterfinger commercial and watched it three times before we opened the bag. The only thing we feel after eating them is a bunch of toffee gunk in our teeth. We feel like this used to be easier to get out.
5. Bugles
Yeah okay, this one hurts. We realize now that in the back of our minds, we were thinking “Okay, yeah, but Bugles will get the job done.” These deceptively addictive and deceptively fattening cone-shaped chips were like a snack and a toy combined. We remember days of sharing a bag with our siblings laughing like maniacs stascking them onto our fingers like claws and pretending we were Freddy Krueger. Now, we’re just alone, looking at the palms of our chip-crowned hands wondering just when the hell it all got away from us.
4. Gushers
The most coveted fruit snack of all time. We have so much history with Gushers. They were a prized lunch companion every single year of public school and beyond, making them technically a more constant presence in our lives than our dad. We went out and got every flavor, tried them all, tried every combination of every flavor and even a second of childlike joy still eludes us. After 27 attempts to boost your serotonin with childhood snacks, you have to start at least considering therapy.
3. Warheads
Looking back we’re not sure why, but these super-sour candies were treated like rare contraband in middle school. Kids treated them like they were cigarettes in prison. If you had enough Warheads, you had power. You could trade them for just about anything you wanted—fruit snacks, Pokemon cards, even women. That’s not a joke, we went to school with a kid named Tommy Harris who let another kid kiss his girlfriend in exchange for 10 Warheads, and she did it because Tommy promised to split the Warheads with her. Anyway, Tommy died in Iraq and this candy tastes like shit.
2. Choco Taco
The internet went insane when it was announced that Good Humor was discontinuing the Choco Taco, and for good reason. In school, this was the Rolls-Royce of ice cream. If you were walking around the cafeteria munching on one of these bad boys you had clout. People looked at you differently, listened to you more, respected you. When you were eating a Choco Taco you envied no one. We know people who would kill for one of these right now, which makes us feel all the more like garbage over the fact that we’re currently eating the last one and couldn’t care less about it.
1. Cheeto’s Cheesy Checkers
This was a tricky one, they haven’t made them since 1998. Apparently, the excessive cheese flavoring caused migraines in consumers aged 6 and up. Frito-lay would not play ball with us, so our operatives actually had to break into their headquarters and steal the recipe, print a custom bag, and build a makeshift chip factory in the annex. There was a lot of trial and error and ultimately a really bad fire but in the end, they managed to produce the first bag of Cheeto’s Cheesy Checkers to exist in 26 years, and probably the last. To the loved ones of those who perished just want to say, worth it. These things are RADICAL. I mean wow, talk about taking cheesy flavor to the extreme! If I could bring back everyone who died making this snack happen I totally would, but then I would immediately have them make another bag! Thanks, I feel better.
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