Rent was due and I needed cash fast. What was I to do? Doordashing doesn’t get me much, neither does driving for a ride-share service. If I was going to avoid eviction, I knew I would have to turn to a life of crime.
Shoplifting wouldn’t get me anywhere, and holding up a bank felt like too extreme of a measure, so I decided to get into the catalytic converter game. There’s been enough memes about them online lately. There’s gotta be a high demand.
I went outside and started hunting the part down. I was shocked to find a catalytic converter in every single car on my block, even on MY car! I may drive a beater but clearly, it’s got some hidden gems. And crumbs between the seats. And a loud rumbling sound coming from the engine. That’s got nothing to do with me removing the catalytic converter though since all my neighbor’s cars are having the same issue. There must be something in the air.
Okay, so, I have a bunch of catalytic converters. Great. Now what, whats the next step? What does a catalytic converter even do? Does anyone know? I’d call my buddy who knows a bit about cars to ask what he thinks but that wouldn’t end well. Suddenly, it’d be all about how I’m “too old to be doing this” and need to just “get a real job” and “Wait, did you steal my catalytic converter too?” and on and on.
I put in the description for the Facebook Marketplace listing that they all “convert catalytics very well.” I’d hoped that would be convincing enough. Only a few messages have rolled in about them—all from my neighbors. People keep asking me if the part is CARB-compliant. What does gluten have to do with this? I’m pretty sure if you put bread in it, you’ll die or something. I don’t know, that’s at least how it’d work with an exhaust pipe. They’re basically the same.
I never would’ve gotten into this if I knew how much people would expect me to know about cars. Oh, well. At least if it doesn’t sell I could find a way to turn it into a bong—I know people wouldn’t ask as many questions about that before buying it.