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Punk Sews Slightly Larger Patch Over Canceled Band’s Logo

BALTIMORE — Local punk Ricky Turnbull disavowed disgraced pop punk band Finisher’s Medal by covering their once-prominent patch on his jacket with a slightly larger one bearing a less problematic band’s logo, sources preparing a defamation lawsuit report.

“Look, the allegations against Finisher’s Medal are horrifying, but I stand by my handiwork,” Turnbull said while bandaging his fingers. “I’m not taking a seam ripper to that shit. I don’t even have a seam ripper. My local Michael’s hasn’t had them in stock for weeks and I’m not caving to the fascists at Hobby Lobby. Supporting the local scene is always the best move, especially when a band’s name alone has enough characters to cover my old patch. We’re all just trying to survive out here.”

Turnbull’s roommate Mike Weathers, on the other hand, criticized the cover-up as performative and poorly stitched.

“Ricky technically still wears his Finisher’s Medal patch, so he never actually turned on them,” Weathers said while taking a seam ripper to another canceled band’s merchandise. “Mark my words, as soon as those assholes win their defamation suit, his new patch is going to fall right off if it hasn’t already. I’m not buying his excuses about the seam ripper either. True punks don’t buy seam rippers. We shoplift them from Hobby Lobby the way God intended.”

Guitarist and merch expert Sophie Wilson, who sold Turbull his conveniently-sized new patch, encourages more bands to release larger patches for fans in need of cover-ups.

“Studies of my sales show that whenever a band gets canceled, I make money,” Wilson said while counting dollar bills. “We rake in even more cash when it’s cold out and people have no choice but to wear their jackets to shows. It can be hard to choose between dying of frostbite or having an awkward conversation about how you’re wearing a canceled band’s patch, but buying a brand new patch from me will fix that. Well, not a Brand New patch. My band is called Mary Shelley Duvall and we’ve never done anything wrong.”

At press time, sources spotted Turnbull scouring merch tables for an even larger patch after learning members of Mary Shelley Duvall allegedly went to Starbucks in secret.

Photo by Mac McCarthy.