Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Bassist Pouring Heart and Soul Into Lyrics Unaware He Is Writing Album Filler Track

Posted on April 3, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

SEATTLE — Local bassist Tony Drill has no clue that his songwriting efforts will never be featured on his band Mangy Polyps new album following the state-wide success of their sophomore record ‘BLÖÖD THRST,’ according to sources.

“I am so stoked to be recording album number three. I feel like I have so much to say at this stage of my life and I am excited to share my innermost feelings with our fans”, Drill gushed on a recent Instagram Live. “The guys had so much ready for the last two records, there was never really space for my stuff but now is definitely the right time for me to step up. I’ve even bought a thesaurus, the paper kind. I think I might be finishing the first single right now, once I find something that rhymes with ‘best friend.’”

Bandmate Billy “Bigballs” Arata has different opinions on where Drill’s songwriting fits into the album.

“Tony is a great guy and he rips on the bass, but there is just no way we can include ‘Wiping the First Tear from my First Daughter’s Eye’ on this record,” Arata stated. “The rest of us are more focussed on making as much noise as possible, and I don’t really see a way we can make this sentimental shit fit on an album called ‘ANAL GRNDR.’”

Fellow Seattle bassist Krist Novoselic knows all too well how it feels to have your songs bumped from an album.

“Yeah sure I wrote a lot of songs that didn’t make the cut on some Nirvana records,” he explained. “I once poured my heart out into a song about how watching my mother growing older made me reflect on the fragility and beauty of life, which was later bumped to make room on ‘In Utero’ for ‘Rape Me.’ It’s not something that’s easy to get over so I definitely feel Tony’s pain.”

When asked about their plans for any songs Drill might contribute to the new record, Mangy Polyps assured they would have space for him to compose the 30-second instrumental outro, under band supervision.

10 Grand Romantic Gestures That, Upon Further Reflection and in Hindsight, Were Harassment

Posted on April 2, 2022 by Amanda Russel

Doing something uniquely sweet for your significant other is an important balancing act to strike. What does this gesture say, how does it say it, how far is too far, and when is it borderline harassment? Please learn from this carefully curated collection of others’ mistakes.

Jell-O Moat

My cousin’s friend, for instance, thought it would be adorable to dig a moat around his girlfriend’s house and fill it with her favorite jell-o flavor. None of us followed his reasoning and he was sure she would love it, but instead she somehow was left with the cleanup and he is still in the doghouse/also in prison. Should have done her favorite juice or yogurt, bud. Or better yet, just kept it simple and said “I love you.”

Bees

A friend wanted to do some fun wordplay and release a small hive of bees, “because bees for my honey,” as much as we begged her not to. Turns out releasing a swarm of bees when your boyfriend comes out his front door just doesn’t carry the cuteness of the intention.

Love Song

If you’re not a musician, do not write a song for your partner. Especially do not sing it for them in public. You will rhyme “love” with “dove” and “cool” with “school” and your babe will definitely break up with you after seeing you wave all those red flags proudly.

Haunted House Proposal

A local man, we’ll call him Jim, paid the city’s highest-rated haunted house to allow him to get into costume and join the haunting. The creepy clown room, specifically. When his girlfriend came through the room with a friend and a blood-covered clown jumped out of the shadows wielding a chainsaw and bellowing “I can’t imagine my life without you! Will you do me the honor of marrying me?” she screamed and fainted. Are they still together? I’ll keep it a mystery, but let’s be real, probably not.

Test Results

Thinking he was being called in to discuss some troubling test results, a man sat in a small room with a doctor who played the part all too coolly at the instruction of his scheming girlfriend. The doctor came in looking forlorn, sighed and sat down, and then very seriously said, “The results are in. You have tested 100% for being an Absolute Hottie. Treatment is lots of kisses.” His girlfriend couldn’t understand why he broke up with her. You hate to see it.

Ransom Notes

A treasure hunt for your sweetie is a very cute idea. Perhaps next time, do not write the clues in cut out newspaper letters, a-la-ransom note. By the end your girlfriend will think she is going to be held hostage. 0/10 stars.

Tattoo

While a “Will u Marry Me? Yes/No” note a-la-fifth grade “Do u like me?” note is a cute throwback, getting it tattooed is not. Bummer to have to get that big red circle around the “No” tattooed.

Nail Clipping Art

My guy. A portrait statue of nail clippings, though a remarkable feat, has undertones of voodoo and will leave them forever wondering how long you’ve been scheming and stealthily collecting the materials at every opportunity. Creepy at the very minimum, bordering on harassment.

Skydiving Proposal

Proposing while skydiving, while a good idea in theory and badass as fuck, is not a good idea in practice, particularly if your partner is afraid of heights and hates skydiving. We all tried to tell John but he just wouldn’t listen, and lo and behold, John remains unmarried.

Romantic Rash

Romantic gestures are for all ages! Promposals are all the rage these days. A kid at my cousin’s school wrote “Prom?” In Aloe, to which he is allergic to, across his chest. The resulting, gnarly “Prom?” -shaped rash did not pack the punch he thought it would, but better to learn these lessons early, right?

Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches

Posted on April 2, 2022 by Marie Cartier

QUINCY, Mass. – Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking, multiple sources report.

“The first time I went to Al’s Market, I’ll admit it’s because I heard they had great coke and I needed a little pick me up to get through the night,” said one furry vest-clad man who refers to himself as DJ Stimul8. “But then one of the employees suggested I eat something to line my stomach first and that son of a bitch made me the dopest turkey cranberry sammy for only five bucks. This thing was loaded, oils, mustards, all on a bread that was so fresh and delicious that I felt like I wasn’t worthy enough to have it grace my filthy mouth. At Al’s, they don’t just hook up the good shit. They care about the community.”

Though many neighbors also appreciate the access to a quick, cheap meal that Al’s provides, not everyone understands the hype.

“Nobody knows who actually owns that place. I’ve tried introducing myself and any time I do that the employees keep saying ‘if you’re a cop you’re legally obligated to tell me.’ They have one broken table inside and why is the only drink they sell expired Shasta Cola?” asked artisan baker Travis Cullen, owner of nearby restaurant Nettle and Pear. “I source fresh farm-to-table ingredients for all my paninis, and I’m still not getting any traction in this neighborhood. To keep up I’ve started selling some of my mother’s pills on the side, but people still love Al’s no matter how hard I try.”

The conflict between upscale eateries and corner delis has been playing out in cities across the nation for decades now, but drug fronts may have an unexpectedly important role to play in communities’ ability to withstand the forces of gentrification.

“With commercial rents skyrocketing in urban areas, it’s almost impossible for a legitimate business to survive,” said Tanya Williams, a specialist in Urban Planning and Development. “In this environment, drug fronts have become essential. Since they don’t have to worry about the margins of the front-facing business, they are one of the only places left that can provide affordable meals to working-class people. Without these businesses, we would be subjected to more overpriced frozen yogurt joints that offer no drugs whatsoever.”

The on-shift employee at Al’s Market was asked for a comment on this story, but he was too busy counting cash and taking calls on a BlueTooth earpiece.

You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald

Posted on April 2, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation. Batteries, you say? Unreliable. Solar!? Har, we are decades away from that. No, no, no. Steam, my dear boy! The energy source of the past and future. Check your pocket watch, for the time of steam has come.

Under the power of steam, the only thing that will skyrocket is you in your jet pack. You heard that correctly, old boy. Steam-powered jet packs! Throw on your leather top hat, pull down your goggles, strap a bunch of cogs to your belt for some reason, and come with me on a fantastical adventure! An adventure to the future where all you need is some water to power your house, car, and dirigible. Just imagine using the same water for your morning cuppa tea as you do to power your computation machine. All for the cost of a shave and a haircut! Now doesn’t that just fog your monocle?!

Once the polar ice caps melt, we will have plenty of water to heat to boiling point and push through a complicated series of iron tubes and meters in order to power locomotives and automated launderettes. Now that’s what I call sustainability! Why, when last I checked, a liter of water costs much less than a liter of petrol. What the bourgeois Romanovs in Moscow do will have no consequence on your steam-powered robot butler.

Drought schmought! Water cannot just disappear, you daft nitwit! It has to go somewhere once we flush our toilets and water our metallic gardens. I suspect that it is collected in vast reservoirs deep underground and all we have to do is drill for it. I know what you are saying, “But Sir Reginald, we already drill for oil and it is destroying the planet.” Ah! But my drilling machines will be environmentally friendly because they will run on, you guessed it, steam! I LOVE STEAM!

I just need five million in gold doubloons to get my water drilling machine up and running. Soon enough we will be wealthy steam barons living in floating mansions on islands in the sky that stay aloft via the power of steam. STEAM!

You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald

Posted on April 2, 2022 by Dan Kozuh

Local Post-hardcore Show Features Band of High School Kids Opening for Band of High School Teachers

Posted on April 2, 2022 by David Arriaga

FERNDALE, Mich. — Local post-hardcore bands The Crooked Nose and Sleeping in Bushes brought a mix of high school-aged and middle-aged patrons out to the Loving Touch last weekend, confirmed annoyed bartenders working the all-ages show.

“It’s weird opening for Sleeping in Bushes, their bassist Mr. Glennon is my homeroom teacher and keeps telling me to ‘call him Kev,’” said Crooked Nose’s lead guitarist Buzz Hanlon. “I had heard they were pretty wild, but they seem to be on their best behavior. Mr. Glennon is even wearing his school lanyard. We have been hiding our beers and sneaking out for smokes so we don’t get lectured, but I know they are shotgunning beers in the hallway by the bathroom. We can hear them.”

Sleeping in Bushes explained the hard spot they were in. They have to set good examples as both teachers and scene veterans.

“Both our jobs and the scene are on the line here,” said Sleeping in Bushes guitarist, and Ferndale High School History teacher, Oliver Brown. “It’s a rule that you can’t drink or smoke in front of students, so we basically set up our own green room where we can get fucked up. We can’t confirm or laugh at any of our stories, but we don’t have to deny anything either. We have to set two opposite examples, at the same time. It’s funny there’re two age groups here, both partying, both aware of what the other group is doing, but both have to be discreet about it for it to be acceptable.”

Scene veteran Sheryl Oliver is responsible for putting the show together and has a close connection with each band.

“My nephew plays in Crooked Nose and I used to be engaged to the drummer of Sleeping in Bushes so it’s cool to bring these two worlds together. Most of the old heads have families or jobs getting them up early. The rest of us have a duty to pass down the hardcore culture of the 90s and early 2000s,” said Oliver. “We had our time in the limelight; running our DIY venues and throwing ignorant parties. I could tell stories all night, but it’s their turn now. These concerts are more of a passing of the proverbial torch to the next generation. We need to set an example until they are ready to take over the scene.”

At press time, Sleeping in Bushes were performing their second encore which mainly focused on the Pythagorean Theorem and various tips for college prep.

Photo by Jana Miller.

How My Partner And I Have Kept Our Relationship Alive After Being Together For 3 Weeks

Posted on April 1, 2022 by Rob Steinberg

Relationships aren’t easy. Finding the right one is hard, and it’s even harder to make sure they’re never let go. We all need that companionship and luckily I found someone who is amazing in every way. I see married people all the time who clearly don’t have what we have.

Even though things are great, we have definitely had our challenges over the few weeks of knowing each other. Here are some tips we can pass down:

Have Sex: There’s nothing more important to a relationship than having sex! My partner and I do it as much as possible. We must’ve done it twelve times by now.

Schedule Dates: Sometimes with busy lives it’s hard to meet up. My job as a Social Media Expert can take up long hours and whatever she does for work probably has long hours too. We usually try for weekdays ourselves.

Communication Is Key: Never leave in a moment of silence! Find the one thing you have in common and talk about everything you possibly know on the subject. When my partner once referenced the Sopranos, I made sure to keep referencing the Sopranos too. Even though I’ve only seen a few episodes of that show, it at least shows that we have a connection. If things ever get too quiet I just shout “gabagool!” and I can happily know that she knows exactly what I’m talking about. Learn what ethnicity your partner is too. Ever since my partner told me her last name was Dutch I’ve been laying out every fascinating subject on the Dutch I could and she nods and says “that’s right.”

Keep Things Interesting: After dating anyone for a couple of days it’s bound to get boring. One thing she likes to do is make sure we always meet up at a bar where nobody can recognize us. Spicy and mysterious, right? Surprise each other too. For instance, I just learned yesterday that she’s a vegetarian.

Did I Say Have Sex Yet?: You need sex! Otherwise, you have no validation. Make sure you switch things up too. Lately, I’ve been keeping things kinky by wearing sunglasses. Make sure you let everyone know that you’re having sex too otherwise nobody will think your relationship is going to last.

Well, that’s all our relationship secrets. Now you are on your way to having a love that will last weeks or even months!

“Keep in Mind the Year Was 2005,” Says Man About to Tell Racist Anecdote

Posted on April 1, 2022 by Rachel Steele

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local man Patrick Miller prepared an unwilling audience for a lengthy racist anecdote, assuring everyone that he and his friends’ ignorant actions were socially acceptable because it took place in the antiquated time period of 2005, uneasy sources confirm.

“You can never tell what you’re allowed to say in this PC culture,” said Miller while looking over his shoulder for the 7th time before telling the story. “I remember in the good old days in 2005 when you could tell a joke without hurting someone’s feelings. People like to tell me that I had some fucked up friends back in 2005, and I should have risen above the peer pressures of that long-forgotten time period, but you just can’t judge our actions back then based on the standards of today. Just like you can’t judge me today based on any standards because then I will get really upset.”

Miller’s best friend Rick Walker believes that “political correctness” is killing hampering his ability to tell stories from his teenage years.

“We all love to reminisce on his glory days,” said Walker. “Sometimes we forget that racism didn’t really exist back then, it was just a bunch of kids having a good time. We’d all come together at our fraternity’s White Party to make fun of 50-Cent fans, do our best impressions of Apu from The Simpsons, and just have a grand old time like any kids back in 2005. We didn’t have Twitter or Obama to tell us that stuff was a little fucked up. Sure, there were protests and threats from the dean, but it just doesn’t hit as hard as a colorful graphic on Facebook.”

Historian Jenna Harbor weighed in on racial reckonings among aging millennials.

“It’s good to recognize that while a lot of progress has been made since America was segregated in the 1950s and ’60s, it’s still possible to look back on just 17 years ago and see how much bias and prejudice we still had compared to now,” said Harbor. “I’m sure a lot of people wish they could go back in time and erase the ignorance they had back in the day, as long as we all avoid the people who still think they’re the shit because of the stupid, racist jokes they told their idiot friends.”

At press time, after Miller explained there wasn’t a racist bone in his body, he finally proceeded with his anecdote of the time he and his friends bullied a waitress in a Chinese restaurant for how she pronounced “Pepsi.”

How I Got To Be In a Successful Band by Kidnapping the Bassist of Slipknot, Stealing His Mask, and Secretly Playing Shows as Him

Posted on April 1, 2022 by Bobby Korec

You know what they say. Be in a band that’s successful and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. Unfortunately, none of the bands I was in were even remotely successful. That’s when it hit me. What if I just kidnapped a member of an already prosperous band, stole their on-stage identity, and secretly toured the country while impersonating them? What could go wrong?

This is not as easy as it sounds though. First, you have to come up with a highly lucrative band and then figure out which member to abduct. Naturally, the first band I thought of was Foo Fighters. Who’s more successful than them? Then I realized that probably wouldn’t work because Dave Grohl is definitely too chill to kidnap. He’d probably think the warehouse I locked him in was just an old recording studio he could restore. He’d be posting about “all the history, man” within minutes and blow my cover. That ruled them out pretty quickly.

Then it occurred to me that Slipknot is always walking around in those masks from Party City. That makes disguising myself as one of them fairly easy. I figured the bass player would be a perfect target. Everyone knows bassists are the easiest band members to capture. That part only took me a half-hour.

After I had him secured in my basement dungeon and made him some ham and cheese sandwiches (I’m not a monster), I slipped on his mask and changed into his signature Slipknot uniform. The next step was to start playing shows as him. Turns out that was way easier than you might think since, ya know, bass.

I was finally in a successful band! Unfortunately, it didn’t last too long. The rest of the band figured out after a few shows that I wasn’t their actual bass player after my neighbor heard percussive low tones coming from my basement and called the cops.

But hey, I’ve learned my lesson. Next time I’ll kidnap the one that bangs on kegs. That noise is always coming from my basement anyway.

Marijuana Dispensary Capitalizes on Nostalgia by Selling Weed Out of a Backpack in the Parking Lot

Posted on April 1, 2022 by Chris Taaffe

PITTSFIELD, Mass. — Sketchies, a newly opened marijuana dispensary, is getting rave reviews by selling weed out of backpacks in their parking lot as a way of adding nostalgia to the business, local potheads confirm.

“With many dispensaries marketing themselves as reputable medicinal practices, Sketchies takes a different approach by recreating what it was like to buy weed when it was still a crime,” explains store manager, Martin Lambert. “When you come to our store you can recognize our employees by their black hoodies with thumbholes in the sleeves, Jansport Backpacks, and dirty Chucks. All you need to do is tell them how much you want or the specific dollar amount you want to spend and they’ll give you that amount of our ‘best shit’ while looking over their shoulders like the cops could pop out at any second. When things are busy we’ll just come up to your car and sell to you right through the window.”

Customers report enjoying the retro feel of buying from someone off the street.

“The whole thing really takes me back to my high school days,” said frequent customer, Patrick Reed. “I was considering quitting pot altogether before I found Sketchies. It just wasn’t fun anymore now that I can just go to the store and buy it like I’m picking up a carton of milk. I missed the excitement of never knowing what was going to happen. One time after I had already paid, the seller just stood there telling all these stories about how he’s cheating on his girlfriend. It got really inappropriate and awkward until I finally came up with some excuse to leave. It was great! It’s that kind of detail that keeps me coming back.”

Legal weed analyst, Jacob Calaway, remarked that this is only the beginning of a trend in the marijuana industry.

“What we’ve found in our research is that, much the same way that people enjoy the music of their younger days, they also want to consume marijuana the way they did in their youth. By tapping into the nostalgia market, places like Sketchies are really seeing a sharp uptick in sales. It doesn’t just stop with hoodies and backpacks either. For instance weed today is much more powerful, so when dispensaries have older customers they will sell them dirt weed that is mainly seeds and stems to remind them of getting high in the ‘60s.”

At press time, Sketchies is offering frequent customers an exclusive beeper number for preferential service.