Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Cool Teacher Sits on Toilet Backwards

Posted on April 5, 2022 by Ian Yamamoto

PORTLAND, Maine. — Local high school teacher, and all-around cool guy, Peter Thielbault reportedly sits on the toilet backwards whenever he evacuates his bowels, confirmed sources who wish they could pull that move off.

“I want my students to know that in school and in life, there’s more than one way to do things,” said Thielbault as he stood with one foot perched on a student’s desk with an undeniably cool posture. “We’re taught as kids to sit on a potty with our legs dangling in front of us, just passively letting poop fall out of us. But what if we were more proactive about it? What if we squatted and straddled the potty and really gave our poops our all? This is the kind of passion and outside-the-box thinking I want to inspire in my students.”

Thielbault’s unconventional defecation methods are not just reaching his students with, he’s getting through to their parents too.

“I had my doubts about Mr. Thielbault at first. His unconventional behavior like wearing sunglasses on the back of his head always confused me, but my son loves him,” said single father Bob Dwan as he sat backwards on a riding mower. “My oldest son Tyler and I haven’t been getting along lately – he thinks I’m this old, boring guy. But since speaking with Mr. Thielbault I’ve been doing everything a little differently. Just this morning, I used a urinal backwards by straddling the little lip that juts out and tucking my penis backwards. I told Tyler about it and he said it’s ‘based’ and I’m nearly positive that’s a good thing.”

Not everyone is completely on board with Thielbault, however.

“Peter is a good guy, but he’s making my job harder,” said Carter Robbel, the school’s most senior janitor. “Word got around about how he shits on the toilet backwards and now everyone is doing it. The problem is when people shit backwards, they miss the water, and all the crap piles up in the dry part of the bowl. Now I have to scrape partially dry turds towards the back of the bowl. At first, I thought the best way to do it would be standing and facing the toilet like how you’d use a plunger. But taking a page from Peter’s book, I’ve tried sitting on the toilet and I’m finding that it gives me better scraping leverage and power.”

At press time, Thielbault was taking a few days off from school due to a stomach virus, sources say he was last seen sitting on a toilet vomiting between his legs.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Uh Oh: Dad Just Asked Our Server Their Name

Posted on April 5, 2022 by Dom Turek

Oh fuck, not again. Dad is motioning for our server to come over. She already remade his Arnold Palmer with “less ice” and agreed to cook his steak “somewhere between rare and medium-rare.” What more could he possibly want from her? Dead God, please don’t let it be what I think it is.

“Hey sweetheart, come over here for a second,” he shouts across the restaurant. She pretends not to hear him, which buys me a few minutes to try and reason with him. “Please don’t,” I beg. I even try to distract him by asking who won the Ravens vs. Broncos game last night, but it’s too late. He has become an unstoppable force. A man on a mission to glean what he believes is public information: her name.

He motions to her with the urgency of a drowning person. I try to pull him back inside the booth, but his arm has become bionic in his quest to get her undivided attention.

Unable to ignore his increasingly manic body language, she’s forced to come over. “How’s everybody doing over here?” she asks with practiced politeness. He answers by touching her arm. Time stops. I wince as he brings down the hammer. “What’s your name, hon?” he asks.

Stuck between telling him to go fuck himself and keeping her job, she introduces herself as Samantha. “Great name,” he says. He goes on to tell her he had a dog named Samantha growing up that had to be put down after contracting rabies. “Back then, there was no pet euthanasia. It was just you, your dog, and your shotgun.”

Saved by the kitchen bell, Samantha excuses herself to run food. “Good kid,” he says, contorting his body to watch her walk away.

Holy shit, that was bad. A least it wasn’t as bad as the time he asked our server at the Macaroni Grill to explain the meaning behind all of her tattoos. But still pretty rough. He tries to call her back over at a volume usually reserved for sports announcers, but she’s already busy at another table telling someone else’s dad her name is Caroline.

Pop Punk Blackjack Player Only Hits On 15

Posted on April 5, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

LAS VEGAS — Pop punk fan and amateur blackjack player Devin Suggs has fallen into debt after instinctively hitting on hands of 15, disgusted sources reported.

“One of the kids at the high school I hang out at got me hooked on blackjack and now I just can’t stop playing. I got into all the tips and tricks, like what the difference between a soft and hard hand is. But I don’t care what the rulebook says, whether it’s soft or hard, the number 15 just feels right to me, for some reason,” said 25-year-old Devin Suggs. “I just have a deeper connection with the cards. But I feel like if I hit on anything higher, my cards will get too smart and go to tell their little card buddies in the deck about my intentions. And if that happens, I’ll never win big ever again.”

Suggs’ roommate, Paul Zaracostas, expressed concern over his gambling problem and recent behavior.

“Listen, I didn’t really talk to Devin all that much before, but now I truly regret every conversation I have with him. Ever since he started this stupid blackjack rule, he hasn’t been able to pay his half of rent,” said a sighing Zaracostas. “He’s asked me to hang out at the casino with him but it’s just too painful to watch him play. It’s like he thinks the objective of the game is to get 15 because anytime he finds out his hand is 18 or higher, he loses all interest.”

The dealer, who witnessed Suggs lose money all week, had some concerns that the gambling addict might be revealing his hand.

“Yo, somebody has got to get this guy on a list or something. Like anyone in the service industry, dealers are usually forced to put up with their patrons’ shitty behavior. And man, this guy would not stop being a big fucking weirdo,” said a disturbed Angela Gauthier. “If all the girls you bring to my table aren’t of legal gambling age, that’s more than a bit suspicious. And stop reciting the same pickup line to these teenagers any time you get a Queen of Hearts, you freak.”

“Plus, he wouldn’t stop giggling at the ‘Loose Slots’ sign and it’s really distracting,” she added.

At press time, Suggs was kicked out after being caught cheating at the table because his underage girlfriend had difficulty counting cards.

Punk Can’t Decide Which Shoulder Rat Should Be His Plus One

Posted on April 4, 2022 by Doug Kolic

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Johnny ‘Blades’ McPhee expressed dread this week after being forced to choose between which one of his beloved shoulder rats would be his plus one to his step-brother’s upcoming wedding.

“I don’t get invited to a lot of places, and when I finally do, it’s some bullshit about having to choose between my two ride or dies, Syphilis and Ass Vomit,” a distressed McPhee stated, referring to the two rats he keeps on his shoulders at nearly all times. “What kind of monsters invite you to their wedding, only to put you in some sort of fucked up Sofie’s Choice-type-scenario between your only friends/dependents? If I’m not here feeding these guys taco sauce every hour, they could literally die.”

New roommate of only two weeks, Darren Thomas, sympathized with McPhee’s predicament.

“Well, he seems pretty hung up on what to do, and I feel for him. I was told this place was no pets allowed so I surrendered my 10-year-old cat, Toby, to the shelter before I moved in here, so I feel like I can kinda relate about how hard it is to make decisions like that,” Thomas stated. “Maybe he can take one and just keep sneaking the other one into the library with him when he goes there to use the free internet, or something. I really miss Toby.”

Ass Vomit, McPhee’s older rat, also chimed in with his thoughts on the extremely tense situation pitting shoulder mates against each other.

“Fuck man, I want this so bad! The only place Blades ever takes us is to the liquor store, so the chance to put on my best little spiked denim vest and bowtie and schmooze a bit sounds pretty dope. Plus, everyone knows you can get major ass if you show up single to a wedding,” said Ass Vomit. “Syphy and I agreed not to campaign against each other and let the best rat win, but then I caught him whispering shit into Blades’ ear behind my back. I don’t know who he’s gonna end up taking, but if it’s not me there will be hell to pay, full stop.”

At press time, McPhee was replying to the invite with his plus one, adding “hantavirus test PLZ” under the “dietary needs” section.

Leftöver Crack Fan in Rural Town Hates the Cop

Posted on April 4, 2022 by Chris Bowen

NILES, N.Y. — Local punk and Leftöver Crack fan Thomas Solido expressed his disdain for the lone police officer in his small town who has been in the position for over 30 years, according to sources.

“Man, I hate the cop,” Solido explained. “That fucker somehow always seems to trace me back to my place whenever I try to pull off a five-finger discount at the Midtown Market or try to panhandle in front of the Busy Bee. I keep yelling ‘ACAB’ from across the street when I see him, and one time he threatened to call my parents but decided to just give me a warning. I bet when Stza says ‘One Dead Cop,’ he means the one cop in small towns across the country.”

Skunk Bayson, a legend in the rural upstate NY punk scene and renowned anti-authoritarian, weighed in on the abundance of cop hatred in the scene.

“You know, some people just think all the corrupt cops hide within the big city precincts, and that’s truly not the case. I say to hell with them all. Everyone from the small town Andy Griffiths to the big city Detective Stablers,” Bayson stated. “Also, over my 20-plus years as a punk in upstate N.Y., I’ve learned that anyone in blue is a piece of shit. That Brinks Security guard, the mall cop that was two grades above me in high school, that factory night watchman, Danny, even that fucker in the postal service, somehow. None of those scum can be trusted.”

The one cop in question, Officer Richard Johnson, recalled having a better relationship with Solido years ago.

“I’ve known the Solido family for years, “Johnson said. “Even little Thomas. I remember the day his parents broke the news they were pregnant with him! One time I saved his cat Tiffy from being stuck up high in a tree, and the whole family sent over a nice meat platter for Barb and me with a sweet letter from him. Hell of a ballplayer too. I’m coming up on retirement soon, but I’m sure I’ll still see him and his dogs around town.”

At press time, an angry note reading “death to Big Bank (the one on Main and Clover)” was etched onto a nearby park bench in Sharpie.

We Look Back On Apple’s Controversial Decision To Change Their Huge Throbbing Cock Emoji Into An Eggplant

Posted on April 4, 2022 by Dan Rice

The ethics of censorship, accountability and corporate responsibility are evolving all the time. As private companies gain more and more influence over our day to day lives CEOs are continually perplexed by what, if anything, their responsibility to the public actually is. In August of 2016 Apple attempted to low-key weigh in on a politically charged issue and came up against major backlash. I refer of course to the polarizing decision to remove the huge throbbing cock icon from their emoji icon and replace it with a toy eggplant.

Whether you agree or disagree with the move, it’s hard not to see Apple’s point of view. There they were, this huge company with a product literally in the hands of 1 billion people world wide and there it was — a cartoon depiction of a giant erect penis, right between “see no evil monkey” and “fire.”

From Apple’s point of view, that throbbing cock was a big veiny time bomb, and they wanted to get ahead of it before it blew its wad.

And so, overnight, the cock was gone, replaced by a suggestive but much less severe eggplant. There was no press release addressing the matter, no social media post of any kind. Apple simply made the switch and hoped no one would really take notice or care.

The backlash came on almost as quickly as the switch itself. While some applauded Apple for taking a stand against the promotion of cock violence, others cried censorship, cited the first amendment, and made comparisons to Orwellian literature.

When the story broke we asked you to weigh in on facebook, a popular social media website at the time. Here we present some of the top comments from that discussion, a sort of digital time capsule that we hope represents both sides fairly:

“I think it’s great. If this change stops just one person from becoming radicalized and walking into an American school with a penis, it will be worth it.”
– Olivia St. John, nurse.

“This isn’t about an emoji, it’s about our rights as American citizens. Where does it end?! Today I can’t text a lewd depiction of my erect penis between a fire icon and a drooly smiley to a coworker, tomorrow I won’t be able to hug my children, that’s the future the dems want!”
– Alex Crinshaw, unemployed.

“Personally I would have appreciated a little more thought going into the execution. There’s no skin tone option on the eggplant! I’m a massively hung asian man, how am I supposed to convey that via text?! Literally no one I know is purple.”
– Michael Kim, Pediatrician

Guy Kissing Girl Wonders If She Also Smells Her Septum Piercing

Posted on April 4, 2022 by Chris Bowen

SPARKS, Nev. — Local man Richard Baxter stopped kissing the woman he’s been dating for two weeks to wonder if she was also bothered by the wretched stench emitting from the ring in her nose, according to sources.

”It smelled like the inside of an unkempt pet turtle tank,” Baxter said with concern. “I mean, how can she possibly not know? Maybe she knows and doesn’t care? Maybe that’s kinda cool? I don’t know, I like her a lot, so maybe I can put Vicks VapoRub under my nose or something each time we kiss. I just hope that she eventually catches on to the reasons why I turn purple after being close to her for too long because I could really see us going somewhere.”

While apparently oblivious about the condition of her infected flesh, the date in question, Sam Trimble, couldn’t help but notice Baxter’s behavior.

“I don’t know what happened—one minute we’re making out and seemingly having a fun time, and the next minute I’m ringing his vomit out of my shirt. I knew we should have eaten our sushi before we sat through that three-hour-long Batman movie. He probably got sick from that,” she considered. “It’s hard to tell what’s bothering him when he’s passed out around me all the time. It’s a real shame because he’s funny, smart, and wears this super strong yet welcoming cologne. It was kind of a lot to get used to at first, but it’s definitely growing on me.”

Body modification expert, Scott Bridges, reports that disgustingly awful smells resulting from tattoos and piercings is not uncommon.

“When you’ve been around this type of stuff for as long as I have, you tend to become desensitized to all types of grotesque sights and smells,” Bridges explained. “One time, I saw a cheaply done portrait of a woman’s baby tattooed on her upper arm, and it got so infected it ended up looking like Slimer from ‘Ghostbusters’ when it finally healed. If I had a dollar for every time I had to examine a metalcore kid’s ear gauges after they complained about flies buzzing around their heads I’d be a very rich man.”

At the time of press, it was noted that Baxter was carted away to a nearby emergency room while having a clothespin pinched onto his nose and X’s for eyes.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Review: Silent Majority “Life of A Spectator”

Posted on April 3, 2022 by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover the recently reissued“Life of a Spectator,” the 1997 debut from Long Island hardcore legends Silent Majority.

It’s not often that a regional hardcore scene has such an impact globally. Take Long Island hardcore as an example. I heard they were talking about it as far away as Albany. I don’t know where that is, but it sounds far.

It was all thanks to a band called Silent Majority. The 25th anniversary of their album “Life of a Spectator” just so happens to be this year and what better way to celebrate their work than to do one of those “where are they now?” segments. Those types of articles do absolute numbers, especially when it’s more gossip than informative.

Unfortunately, the band doesn’t have their own dedicated Wikipedia page, so I had no choice but to head to Long Island to see for myself what they’ve been up to. Really hope my editors reimburse my expenses. First-class plane tickets ain’t cheap.

Anyway, I couldn’t find their individual addresses online or even their LinkedIn pages. Fucking legendary, right? However, I probably should’ve researched those minor details before I traveled all the way to the northeast. It was too late though. I was already in the thick of it.

Since I had literally nothing to go on, I stepped off the Long Island Railroad at the Ronkonkoma train station and just straight up started yelling their names individually as loud as I could, hoping one of the many commuters around me was maybe once in the band. Some might call that desperate, but I assure you it’s one of the ways you do investigative journalism.

But alas. Shouting their names to a group of strangers didn’t do the trick. My next course of action was to find other famous Long Island musicians who might know where they live. But my phone died and I couldn’t think of anyone besides Billy Joel. Technically, he still has that restraining order against me from that time I tried to write another on-assignment article about Long Island emo.

Long story short, I have no idea what Silent Majority has been up to, but I can tell you that “Life of a Spectator” has aged incredibly well 25 years later. Damn, I was hoping for something more juicy for the Twitter engagement. Sorry, guys.

SCORE: 25 out of 25 anniversaries.

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Rising Gas Prices Force Consumers to Give Twice as Much Grass, Ass

Posted on April 3, 2022 by Patrick Coyne

WASHINGTON — Average consumers are feeling the pinch both metaphorically and literally as rising gas prices have resulted in them having to give up twice as much grass and/or ass in exchange for rides, skeezy economists warn.

“Just like crude oil, both ass and dank kush are global commodities, the price of which is determined by supply and demand. And unfortunately, both of these commodities are intimately tied to oil,” explained economist Willow Hernandez. “With gas on the rise, the old adage that no one rides for free has become more true than ever. Millions of Americans are now forced to choose between either giving up their weed and touching a strange peen, or having to fucking walk everywhere.”

Local grandmother and church organist Cicely Abbot lamented the rising costs as an “unfortunate sign of the times.”

“When I was a young lady, I used to hitch a ride cross state for nothing more than a simple palm job and maybe a split bowl. Nowadays I’m lucky to get to work for anything less than the gluck gluck 9000 with a side of assplay,” said the 72-year-old widow. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure as shit no commie socialist. I think the founding fathers had always envisioned a nation of true blue Americans traversing this glorious country in exchange for some pink or some green. But regular folks are feeling the pain, and someone needs to step in and do something.”

Vermont senator Bernie Sanders insisted Congress must act now to provide citizens with some relief.

“Sucking, fucking, and smoking your way through life is as American as apple pie. I myself still give up the ass when I travel from Washington DC to my home in Burlington,” Sanders explained. “However, the price gouging of ass and grass has gone too far. I think the solution is that middle-class Americans should be entitled to some sort of forgiveness in the form of free endo, or at least a very thorough and satisfactory plowing as well as complete student debt forgiveness.”

At press time, the Biden administration is considering sending emergency “Save Gas, Fart in a Jar” novelty T-shirts to every American.

How I Became an Indie Darling Using Only Father’s Money and Industry Connections

Posted on April 3, 2022 by Char Byram

Being in the independent music scene can be tough, especially when you’re considered an outsider among outsiders. Especially if the reason you’re an outsider is because your rich dad funded your early career and connected you with his friends in the industry.

But despite the many hurdles people like me have to overcome, I became indie rock royalty by working super hard, following my heart, and having an “in” with several recording industry executives who are represented by my father’s law firm.

After the initial ask for a relatively small sum from father, as well as the contact information for companies he’s represented, the rest naturally progressed from there. It was only a modest interest-free loan of a few hundred grand to cover art school and rent by the way. Legally speaking, interest-free loans are the ones you don’t have to pay back by the way. I’d know. My dad is a lawyer.

It’s been hard for me, the only child of a successful corporate lawyer. I had to pull myself up by my own custom Doc Marten bootstraps. Nevertheless, I had to keep pushing past all the naysayers and detractors to do something few artists have done before: get famous on the internet without converting it to actual monetary success. But just look at all this clout I have!

Honestly, I didn’t even need the industry connections. I rejected all those major labels I could have easily signed with had they offered. No, I chose the more challenging road by pretending to have fewer resources than were available to me by releasing my art on a small, independent label.

If you want to find success in the indie-sphere, look no further than my story. It was a difficult journey for sure, but I arrived here relying on my own strengths. And you can too! Assuming your rich dad doesn’t want you to follow in his lame-ass 9-5 shoes. All you need is passion, a dream, and a little luck by being born into a lot of money.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover the recently reissued“Life of a Spectator,” the 1997 debut from Long Island hardcore legends Silent Majority.

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