NILES, N.Y. — Local punk and Leftöver Crack fan Thomas Solido expressed his disdain for the lone police officer in his small town who has been in the position for over 30 years, according to sources.
“Man, I hate the cop,” Solido explained. “That fucker somehow always seems to trace me back to my place whenever I try to pull off a five-finger discount at the Midtown Market or try to panhandle in front of the Busy Bee. I keep yelling ‘ACAB’ from across the street when I see him, and one time he threatened to call my parents but decided to just give me a warning. I bet when Stza says ‘One Dead Cop,’ he means the one cop in small towns across the country.”
Skunk Bayson, a legend in the rural upstate NY punk scene and renowned anti-authoritarian, weighed in on the abundance of cop hatred in the scene.
“You know, some people just think all the corrupt cops hide within the big city precincts, and that’s truly not the case. I say to hell with them all. Everyone from the small town Andy Griffiths to the big city Detective Stablers,” Bayson stated. “Also, over my 20-plus years as a punk in upstate N.Y., I’ve learned that anyone in blue is a piece of shit. That Brinks Security guard, the mall cop that was two grades above me in high school, that factory night watchman, Danny, even that fucker in the postal service, somehow. None of those scum can be trusted.”
The one cop in question, Officer Richard Johnson, recalled having a better relationship with Solido years ago.
“I’ve known the Solido family for years, “Johnson said. “Even little Thomas. I remember the day his parents broke the news they were pregnant with him! One time I saved his cat Tiffy from being stuck up high in a tree, and the whole family sent over a nice meat platter for Barb and me with a sweet letter from him. Hell of a ballplayer too. I’m coming up on retirement soon, but I’m sure I’ll still see him and his dogs around town.”
At press time, an angry note reading “death to Big Bank (the one on Main and Clover)” was etched onto a nearby park bench in Sharpie.