BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Johnny ‘Blades’ McPhee expressed dread this week after being forced to choose between which one of his beloved shoulder rats would be his plus one to his step-brother’s upcoming wedding.
“I don’t get invited to a lot of places, and when I finally do, it’s some bullshit about having to choose between my two ride or dies, Syphilis and Ass Vomit,” a distressed McPhee stated, referring to the two rats he keeps on his shoulders at nearly all times. “What kind of monsters invite you to their wedding, only to put you in some sort of fucked up Sofie’s Choice-type-scenario between your only friends/dependents? If I’m not here feeding these guys taco sauce every hour, they could literally die.”
New roommate of only two weeks, Darren Thomas, sympathized with McPhee’s predicament.
“Well, he seems pretty hung up on what to do, and I feel for him. I was told this place was no pets allowed so I surrendered my 10-year-old cat, Toby, to the shelter before I moved in here, so I feel like I can kinda relate about how hard it is to make decisions like that,” Thomas stated. “Maybe he can take one and just keep sneaking the other one into the library with him when he goes there to use the free internet, or something. I really miss Toby.”
Ass Vomit, McPhee’s older rat, also chimed in with his thoughts on the extremely tense situation pitting shoulder mates against each other.
“Fuck man, I want this so bad! The only place Blades ever takes us is to the liquor store, so the chance to put on my best little spiked denim vest and bowtie and schmooze a bit sounds pretty dope. Plus, everyone knows you can get major ass if you show up single to a wedding,” said Ass Vomit. “Syphy and I agreed not to campaign against each other and let the best rat win, but then I caught him whispering shit into Blades’ ear behind my back. I don’t know who he’s gonna end up taking, but if it’s not me there will be hell to pay, full stop.”
At press time, McPhee was replying to the invite with his plus one, adding “hantavirus test PLZ” under the “dietary needs” section.