SPARKS, Nev. — Local man Richard Baxter stopped kissing the woman he’s been dating for two weeks to wonder if she was also bothered by the wretched stench emitting from the ring in her nose, according to sources.
”It smelled like the inside of an unkempt pet turtle tank,” Baxter said with concern. “I mean, how can she possibly not know? Maybe she knows and doesn’t care? Maybe that’s kinda cool? I don’t know, I like her a lot, so maybe I can put Vicks VapoRub under my nose or something each time we kiss. I just hope that she eventually catches on to the reasons why I turn purple after being close to her for too long because I could really see us going somewhere.”
While apparently oblivious about the condition of her infected flesh, the date in question, Sam Trimble, couldn’t help but notice Baxter’s behavior.
“I don’t know what happened—one minute we’re making out and seemingly having a fun time, and the next minute I’m ringing his vomit out of my shirt. I knew we should have eaten our sushi before we sat through that three-hour-long Batman movie. He probably got sick from that,” she considered. “It’s hard to tell what’s bothering him when he’s passed out around me all the time. It’s a real shame because he’s funny, smart, and wears this super strong yet welcoming cologne. It was kind of a lot to get used to at first, but it’s definitely growing on me.”
Body modification expert, Scott Bridges, reports that disgustingly awful smells resulting from tattoos and piercings is not uncommon.
“When you’ve been around this type of stuff for as long as I have, you tend to become desensitized to all types of grotesque sights and smells,” Bridges explained. “One time, I saw a cheaply done portrait of a woman’s baby tattooed on her upper arm, and it got so infected it ended up looking like Slimer from ‘Ghostbusters’ when it finally healed. If I had a dollar for every time I had to examine a metalcore kid’s ear gauges after they complained about flies buzzing around their heads I’d be a very rich man.”
At the time of press, it was noted that Baxter was carted away to a nearby emergency room while having a clothespin pinched onto his nose and X’s for eyes.
Photo by Jana Miller.