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Rising Gas Prices Force Consumers to Give Twice as Much Grass, Ass

WASHINGTON — Average consumers are feeling the pinch both metaphorically and literally as rising gas prices have resulted in them having to give up twice as much grass and/or ass in exchange for rides, skeezy economists warn.

“Just like crude oil, both ass and dank kush are global commodities, the price of which is determined by supply and demand. And unfortunately, both of these commodities are intimately tied to oil,” explained economist Willow Hernandez. “With gas on the rise, the old adage that no one rides for free has become more true than ever. Millions of Americans are now forced to choose between either giving up their weed and touching a strange peen, or having to fucking walk everywhere.”

Local grandmother and church organist Cicely Abbot lamented the rising costs as an “unfortunate sign of the times.”

“When I was a young lady, I used to hitch a ride cross state for nothing more than a simple palm job and maybe a split bowl. Nowadays I’m lucky to get to work for anything less than the gluck gluck 9000 with a side of assplay,” said the 72-year-old widow. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure as shit no commie socialist. I think the founding fathers had always envisioned a nation of true blue Americans traversing this glorious country in exchange for some pink or some green. But regular folks are feeling the pain, and someone needs to step in and do something.”

Vermont senator Bernie Sanders insisted Congress must act now to provide citizens with some relief.

“Sucking, fucking, and smoking your way through life is as American as apple pie. I myself still give up the ass when I travel from Washington DC to my home in Burlington,” Sanders explained. “However, the price gouging of ass and grass has gone too far. I think the solution is that middle-class Americans should be entitled to some sort of forgiveness in the form of free endo, or at least a very thorough and satisfactory plowing as well as complete student debt forgiveness.”

At press time, the Biden administration is considering sending emergency “Save Gas, Fart in a Jar” novelty T-shirts to every American.