BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local man Patrick Miller prepared an unwilling audience for a lengthy racist anecdote, assuring everyone that he and his friends’ ignorant actions were socially acceptable because it took place in the antiquated time period of 2005, uneasy sources confirm.
“You can never tell what you’re allowed to say in this PC culture,” said Miller while looking over his shoulder for the 7th time before telling the story. “I remember in the good old days in 2005 when you could tell a joke without hurting someone’s feelings. People like to tell me that I had some fucked up friends back in 2005, and I should have risen above the peer pressures of that long-forgotten time period, but you just can’t judge our actions back then based on the standards of today. Just like you can’t judge me today based on any standards because then I will get really upset.”
Miller’s best friend Rick Walker believes that “political correctness” is killing hampering his ability to tell stories from his teenage years.
“We all love to reminisce on his glory days,” said Walker. “Sometimes we forget that racism didn’t really exist back then, it was just a bunch of kids having a good time. We’d all come together at our fraternity’s White Party to make fun of 50-Cent fans, do our best impressions of Apu from The Simpsons, and just have a grand old time like any kids back in 2005. We didn’t have Twitter or Obama to tell us that stuff was a little fucked up. Sure, there were protests and threats from the dean, but it just doesn’t hit as hard as a colorful graphic on Facebook.”
Historian Jenna Harbor weighed in on racial reckonings among aging millennials.
“It’s good to recognize that while a lot of progress has been made since America was segregated in the 1950s and ’60s, it’s still possible to look back on just 17 years ago and see how much bias and prejudice we still had compared to now,” said Harbor. “I’m sure a lot of people wish they could go back in time and erase the ignorance they had back in the day, as long as we all avoid the people who still think they’re the shit because of the stupid, racist jokes they told their idiot friends.”
At press time, after Miller explained there wasn’t a racist bone in his body, he finally proceeded with his anecdote of the time he and his friends bullied a waitress in a Chinese restaurant for how she pronounced “Pepsi.”