10 Cool Secret Facts About Disney World

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Every year, thousands of people visit the “happiest place on earth” to experience the magic of Disney. There’s almost too much to do and see when you’re down there, so we’ve rounded up the coolest little known facts about the sprawling theme parks:

Experiencing the Magic with the Family

Watching your children meet their favorite heroes and characters makes the trip all worth it, however there are lots of visiting couples who are childless or have kids too young to know what the hell is going on. Fortunately, Disney’s “Rent a Kid” program will let you pick a long abandoned child from their lost and found so you can get the full experience. Spoil them while you have the time, Disney doesn’t feed or clothe them.

The Haunted Mansion

This classic fright fest is not only one of the most popular rides in the entire park, it’s also a huge wedding destination! The ride averages over 20 goth weddings per day, unsanctioned by the park of course. If you see a couple dressed like Robert Smith and Siouxsie Sioux dancing with the ghosts in the ballroom scene, be sure to congratulate them before security comes!

Rock n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith

This lightning fast, neon tinged indoor roller coaster is pretty cool, but you need to take into account that by enjoying this ride you’ll have to admit that you like Aerosmith by proxy. If you’re willing to admit you like shitty boomer rock then by all means, ride it ten times.

Behind the Scenes of the Animation Process

Guests staying at the Art of Animation Resort have the opportunity to relax and play amongst their favorite animated films! Keep an eye out for some of the cool fixtures and features, including the incinerator the animators used to throw the animals in after they finished their reference sketches for “Bambi.”

Toy Story Land

One of the hottest new additions to Hollywood Studios let you immerse yourself in the magic of everyone’s favorite sentient toys. It’s so immersive in fact, that if you manage to hang out after hours the attractions will come to life and try to turn you into one of them. It’s a bit risky, but being hunted by a 12-foot-tall cowboy Tom Hanks is pretty exhilarating.

Protecting the Animals

The Animal Kingdom is home to 300 different species of animal, some of which are endangered or bordering on extinct. In order to protect these majestic creatures, each animal is given a gun in accordance with Florida’s stand your ground laws. No one has actually seen any of the animals use one, but the thought of a rhino with an AR-15 is enough to keep poachers away.

Drinking Around the World at Epcot’s World Showcase

In the past few years it’s become a rite of passage to “drink around the world” at the World Showcase. If you can drink one alcoholic beverage from all of the 11 featured countries and still be standing by the end, you’ll be contacted by the UN to become an official ambassador for the United States! Seriously, that’s all it takes these days.

Walt Disney: the Man, the Myth, the Immortal

We’ve all heard that old rumor about Walt Disney’s body being frozen, but did you know that he is very much alive and wields control of ⅓ of the entertainment industry? Once a month, a park employee is sacrificed to their omnipotent patriarch, which fuels him in his quest to conquer every last IP on the planet. Glory be unto Walt!

 

Avatar: Flight of Passage

Animal Kingdom’s popular 3-D thrill ride goes to great lengths to make you feel like you’re soaring through Pandora on the back of a banshee. To really deliver that other-worldly experience, Disney also includes a clause during the ride legally binding riders to watch all the upcoming sequels and leave positive reviews on RottenTomatoes. Better get your tickets now!

Tower of Terror

The Hollywood Tower Hotel is arguably as iconic as Cinderella’s Castle or the Epcot ball. But get this: Imagineers nearly went in an entirely different direction, as the original plans were to base the ride off of the Twilight Zone episode “The Dummy.”Those plans fell through after designers were unable to procure enough demonically possessed puppets to warrant an entire ride.

Report: Winning Dance Off in No Way Negates City’s Contract to Tear Down Rec Center

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BALTIMORE — Plucky, determined teens of the O’Donnell Street Recreation Center were disheartened to learn that defeating a local real estate developer’s son in a dance off had zero effect on the scheduled demolition of their beloved rec center.

“I don’t have time to get into the nuances of how contract law works, but nothing’s changed. I tried telling them that multiple times, but they just kept dancing at me like I’d be scared or something,” noted the cities attorney Arthur Bellhue. “The area’s been rezoned as residential, so our hands are tied. This process was all hammered out months ago, there were public hearings, city council meetings, and plenty of opportunities to weigh in on the issue, so I’m not sure where they got the idea that some popping and locking the night before the wrecking ball came in would help.”

Several of the dance competition winners expressed dismay and outrage at “being cheated.”

“This is bullshit. We won that dance competition fair and square. The guys from B2K said so,” stated winner, Kevin ‘Turbo Sledge’ Stewart. “We were all happy about winning the breakdancing contest and had just started a celebratory breakdance when city officials told us we needed to clear out so they could set some explosive charges on the support columns. I tried to explain that we won the dance-off and so the demolition was off, but then a cop pepper-sprayed me while I was mid-downrock.”

Experts in city planning law state that thanks to pop culture, occurrences such as these are unfortunately all too frequent.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain to a group of teens that winning a jet ski race or beating jocks in a school talent show has zero bearing on real estate. You have to get this shit in writing for god’s sake,” said local activist, Sam Stein. “Those movies are just meant to be entertaining, not a guideline for real life. Do you know how depressing ‘Breakin‘ would’ve been if it was based in any way on reality? It’s like when that ‘Double Jeopardy’ movie came out. I had to quit being a public defender.”

Adding insult to injury, the plucky teens received even more bad news recently after their beloved summer camp was bought out so the rich kids’ resort across the lake could have a second archery range.

Report: Winning Dance Off in No Way Negates City’s Contract to Tear Down Rec Center

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BALTIMORE — Plucky, determined teens of the O’Donnell Street Recreation Center were disheartened to learn that defeating a local real estate developer’s son in a dance off had zero effect on the scheduled demolition of their beloved rec center.

“I don’t have time to get into the nuances of how contract law works, but nothing’s changed. I tried telling them that multiple times, but they just kept dancing at me like I’d be scared or something,” noted the cities attorney Arthur Bellhue. “The area’s been rezoned as residential, so our hands are tied. This process was all hammered out months ago, there were public hearings, city council meetings, and plenty of opportunities to weigh in on the issue, so I’m not sure where they got the idea that some popping and locking the night before the wrecking ball came in would help.”

Several of the dance competition winners expressed dismay and outrage at “being cheated.”

“This is bullshit. We won that dance competition fair and square. The guys from B2K said so,” stated winner, Kevin ‘Turbo Sledge’ Stewart. “We were all happy about winning the breakdancing contest and had just started a celebratory breakdance when city officials told us we needed to clear out so they could set some explosive charges on the support columns. I tried to explain that we won the dance-off and so the demolition was off, but then a cop pepper-sprayed me while I was mid-downrock.”

Experts in city planning law state that thanks to pop culture, occurrences such as these are unfortunately all too frequent.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain to a group of teens that winning a jet ski race or beating jocks in a school talent show has zero bearing on real estate. You have to get this shit in writing for god’s sake,” said local activist, Sam Stein. “Those movies are just meant to be entertaining, not a guideline for real life. Do you know how depressing ‘Breakin‘ would’ve been if it was based in any way on reality? It’s like when that ‘Double Jeopardy’ movie came out. I had to quit being a public defender.”

Adding insult to injury, the plucky teens received even more bad news recently after their beloved summer camp was bought out so the rich kids’ resort across the lake could have a second archery range.

Time Traveler Stops in 2010 To Buy The Good Four Lokos

Posted on by Michael Gursky

CENTER VALLEY, Pa. — A man traveling through time with the intention of preventing childhood trauma made a more pressing stop in the year 2010 to purchase a variety pack of the original Four Lokos, back when they had the good shit in them.

“I was hoping to spend more time in ‘04 or ‘05; stand up to bullies and my cousin Russell, and prevent my old pet rabbit Yu-Gi-Oh Bob Marley from hopping in front of a garbage truck, but the chance to grab a case of Lokos was calling my name more loudly,” reported casual time traveler and fun binge drinker Andy Moore, now back in present day, sipping a grape Four Loko and missing a shoe while standing on the side of a busy interstate. “These joints have the high alcohol content, the taurine, and caffeine and bull semen and god knows what else in ‘em. We used to get fucked up on two of these back in college.”

Fellow casual time traveler Horace Peterson, one of the most experienced veterans in the field of transtemporal travel, disclosed that many people who revisit the past with big intentions to spur change personally or worldwide end up just buying discontinued products.

“My first 3 time-traveling experiences I drank so much Pepsi Blue I was pissing teal for a month,” admitted Peterson while crunching down on a bag of Doritos Guacamole. “You remember when Trix cereal was shaped like little fruit, as opposed to those dumbass balls? I got boxes on boxes of that old-school shit. For all that’s Holy, I would leave those OG Four Lokos in the past, though.”

Recovering alcoholic and former Four Loko enthusiast Mark Flarsky praised the cultural impact the original Four Loko drinks had, and thanked them for his sobriety.

“A can of Loko per person was enough to start a wild night,” he joked, “But it was those nights when I would get arrested for stuff like violating a mechanical horse outside a grocery store. Those incidents forced me to confront my alcoholism and tendency towards thrusting into coin-operated machinery. Anyone who goes back in time to bring that party demon juice back deserves what’s coming to them, and it’s probably a public indecency charge and a rash.”

Moore couldn’t be obtained for further comment on his time travels because he darted into the street with the remainder of his Four Loko pack, startled a family in a Honda Odyssey, and rode away on top of their van while screaming something about Dunkaroos.

When Our Friend’s Cat Went Missing We Asked Twitter To Do Their Thing and Now We’re Being Canceled

Posted on by Sean Fallon

In the grand tradition of using social media to help solve real world problems, when we heard our friend’s cat had gone missing we posted a picture and tweeted: “Twitter, do your thing.” Well, fuck us in our good-deed-doing ass because now we’ve been canceled.

We realized something was going wrong when our picture of Fluffy the Vampire Slayer’s missing poster was quote-tweeted by @HamiltonBae99 who proceeded to attack us for sharing a missing poster for just one cat. The 77-tweet thread went on to explain how, since there were other cats missing in the world too, we should be fired and then die of ebola.

Apparently, this also means we hate the kids kidnapped by Boko Haram.

At first we ignored the thread, but then someone retweeted it and added a screenshot of a joke we had posted in 2019 about the movie “Cats,” which they took to be tacit proof that we hated all cats and that Fluffy the Vampire Slayer was better off on the streets than living with us. Ya know, despite the fact that Fluffy the Vampire Slayer isn’t even our fucking cat.

Retreating from the controversy, we deleted our Twitter account. Unfortunately, a tweet we made about Joe Biden when we were stoned that just read “Boe Jiden” was found by @InTheHeights5Eva and seen as support for Donald Trump and complicity in the rise of Neo-Nazism. Not just in America today, but worldwide and across all of history.

Norwegian Black Metal Olympic Team Nails the Standing Around Aimlessly in the Snow-Ridden Woods Event

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BEIJING — Norway added another gold medal in the 2022 Winter Olympic Games when their team of Black Metal musicians dominated the Standing Around in the Woods event once again, awe-struck Olympics attendees confirmed.

“This performance was one for the ages. The sheer gracefulness, plus the mix of awkward positioning and the pointless gesturing they did towards the cameras really showed why this event is so popular,” said Victor Emanuel, one of the judges in the event. “There are a lot of factors we have to take into consideration when we look at the athletes perform. The most important is how each individual comes together to act as a group. If you have four guys squatting and screaming at the same time it can really ruin it for you. They have a great coach and their leather outfits were top-notch this year, they deserved the gold.”

Jim Macdonald, head of the silver medal Canadian Speed Metal team, was disappointed in the result.

“We thought we had the gold this time for sure,” said MacDonald. “We took some risks this year that didn’t end up paying off. I don’t regret having the entire team pose with a giant axe, but we probably would have scored higher if we used a standard battle sword. We sacrificed a lot to be here, especially our drummer who held an amazing ‘evil invisible orb’ pose with his fingerless gloves for so long, that he ended up getting a nasty bit of frostbite. I gotta hand it to those Norwegian guys, they earned this, but we will be back stronger than ever in 2026.”

Leading member of the winning team, Bügnör, explains how elated he was to be crowned as this year’s gold medalist in the event.

“I’ve dreamed about this day for a long time. The Norwegian team has led the way to victory for 66 wins! It took our team a lot of blood, sweat and runny corpse paint to be able to perform the way we did,” said Bügnör. “We must’ve done 24 photoshoots just this past year in preparation. When they put those giant, golden upside crosses around our necks, I felt a sense of trve pride that can only be matched by the sight of your own first church fire.”

After press time, the Norwegian Black Metal team expressed disappointment with Covid restrictions that prevented the team from celebrating with a customary suicide and subsequent drinking of the deceased’s blood.

Be Nice to Me — I Gave Blood Today! Despite the Barista Saying “Stop, We Don’t Take Blood”

Posted on by John Danek

Hey. Hi! Yep, you’re reading the sticker over my left nipple correctly. It says “BLOOD DONOR HERO”. I made it myself. I’m not usually one to call myself a hero, but in this case it’s deserved.

I gave blood today, which means you have to be nice to me! Unlike that dickhead barista at Long John Coffee. He’s so self-involved and refuses to help the community like I do. Just listen to what happened.

I stroll up to the coffee shop about an hour before it opens and wait outside the front door. My face is pressed against the glass with excitement as I stare inside and watch them open up shop. My backpack is stuffed to the brim with jars of one of the rarest blood types: BAC .26.

When they finally open the doors, I rush in because I’m so psyched, you know? As I begin stacking jars on the counter, this failed-artist-turned-latte-engineer started yelling things like “What the fuck?” and “Stop it, we don’t take blood,” and “You’re spilling it all over the counter!” and “I’m calling the cops.”

It’s like, dude, chill out. Hospitals and charities BEG for this stuff, you should be so lucky! Think of how many lives you can save with seven mason jars of blood. To be honest, I don’t even really care what they do with it. But don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

I just wish the world were kinder and more charitable like I am. I’m trying to be the change I see in the world. There are different ways to help, too. For example, I saw a homeless man on my street a few months back. So I gathered all of my hair I had saved over the past few years, glued it together in the shape of a jacket, and chased him down to give it to him. He was screaming with delight. Or heat stroke. It was like 97 degrees outside.

I’m gonna be honest, I’m a little lightheaded and woozy. I’m afraid of needles, so getting one in my vein by myself was difficult. But once the needle was in, I easily extracted about 7 pints of the red stuff. Wait no, 8. I still have one jar in my backpack!

Do you want it?

Acne Launches New Franchise Opportunities Across Upper Back and Shoulders

Posted on by Freelancer

RAAHIL’S BODY — The fast-growing cystic acne chain on your friend Raahil’s face is launching franchise opportunities, with new pimples emerging on his upper back and shoulders.

“We’re incredibly excited about this next chapter of greasy skin irritations on Raahil,” said a giant cyst-thing that’s already expanded from Raahil’s jawline well onto the side of his neck. “It’s an ideal time to expand. Raahil’s high levels of stress, late-night Taco Bell runs, and inability to maintain good hygiene amidst societal collapse have been great for business. We’re striking while the iron’s hot and the guy is at his lowest, and we feel pretty good about our prospects.”

Raahil’s upper back and shoulders offer vast untapped market potential.

“We’re excited to be gaining some traction,” stated Raahil’s torso. “Raahil came super close to getting a tattoo on us once, but he kept passing out on the chair. The artist eventually just told him to leave. It was devastating. Now, the guy rarely goes outside for anything that’s not food-related, and even then he sort of just shuffles around in a giant disgusting hoodie, so it’s not like we’re in the public eye. We’re so grateful those who came before us trust us to grow their vision and help keep the zit and mortar business alive.”

Raahil is nonplussed by the new venture taking place on his body.

“I never thought my combination skin would be a booming market,” he explained. “My feet, maybe. But as a first-gen kid, you come to understand that having total agency over your own choices or even your body, apparently, isn’t really a given. It’s just one of those things. I just hope this acne doesn’t get any ideas about gentrifying my ass anytime soon—there’s been a thriving community of hair there for years already and I really don’t want to see it slowly be pushed out for some chain hormonal reaction.”

As of press time, the hair from inside Raahil’s nose was in talks with his inner ears about possibly collaborating right around his 42nd birthday.

Amazing: A Wing Mural Selected This Instagram Influencer as the Most Pure of Heart Before Fusing With Her Body and Ascending Her to Heaven

Posted on by Peter Clark-Deutsch

Everyone says that Instagram is only a cesspool of shallow individuals looking for cheap validation or a way to profit from their followers. Try telling that to the 21-year-old beauty, lifestyle, fashion, fitness, and spirituality coach, Kaylee Dawn who is now residing among the holy angels of the Heavens with her new set of #LiveFreeAndWild wings.

You may ask how the former Los Angeles resident wound up posting from Heaven. But that would be silly. She was obviously chosen for ascension by a popular wing mural in the downtown area. As soon as she rested her back against the wall, words suddenly appeared above the wings reading, “THE CHILD OF DESTINY HAS ARRIVED” before they came to life, fused with her spine, and flew her up to the skies. Escaping her from the conceited and selfish mortal world below.

“Feeling so humbled to have been chosen to live with our Lord as one of his angels,” Kaylee said in a recent Instagram post with the location tagged, “Heaven.” The post continued, “I just want my followers to know that I don’t think I’m better than anyone because I now sit alongside God’s throne and look down at his creation for all eternity. Honestly, being famous on Instagram feels pretty much the same so this is nothing new. #positivemondays”

What a beautiful soul Heaven has gained. Thank God we can still receive her posts.

Other angelic residents have speculated that Kaylee was most likely chosen for that one time she showed her followers the importance of being kind and understanding after giving her unfinished kombucha to a homeless person in need. What an amazing journey!

It’s clear that the rest of us are not worthy to be in the same plane of existence as Kaylee. Still, we here on Earth are going to miss the light she shined on the world.

Kaylee most recently posted to her Instagram a selfie with Jesus Christ along with the caption, “We happened to run into each other (winking emoji with tongue). You can get the @vanessamooney choker I’m wearing for 20% off by using the codeword HOLINESS at checkout. Link in bio.”

Punk Venue Requires Proof of Vaccination and You to Name 10 Real Punk Bands

Posted on by Sam Eardley

CALEXICO, Calif. — Local punk venue The Microwave announced new restrictions for patrons and will require anyone wanting to attend a show to present proof of vaccination and to name at least 10 legitimate punk bands, multiple sources confirmed.

“Safety is our number one priority, and our number two priority is making sure we don’t have anyone in here claiming that Twenty One Pilots are a legit punk band because one of the guys had a mohawk once,” said venue manager Juan Mata. “The world is crazy right now and I don’t want to be responsible for the continued spread of poser ideology. Last year we were having some pretty scary outbreaks — I still don’t even know what the fuck ‘influencers’ are, but suddenly they were here every night and we had no way of knowing where it’d started or how to stop it.”

Jaxon O’Connell, known to his many YouTube followers as PunkBae, was one of several to be turned away from last night’s Rattz of Das Kapital show, and was at a loss to see how he had failed the quiz.

“Everyone knows the first three. Sex Pistols. Green Day. U2. That’s locked in,” stated a frustrated O’Connell. “Then, I guess my history is a bit shaky, but I figured punk is from the ‘70s, so I said The Smiths, The Beatles and Elvis & The Presleys. Then I brought it home with my closers; Blink. Sum. Lavigne. And I needed one more so I just kind of made up a punk supergroup with MGK, P!nk, CM Punk and my big brother. The guy working the door started laughing at me then picked up a baseball bat from behind the door and told me he would give me a 10-second head start. This seems like discrimination, thankfully my parents are both lawyers.”

Socio-Virologist Marcella Ambrose, who led the development of the N10RPB-RQ (Name 10 Real Punk Bands, Real Quick), believes the test is a cause for real optimism.

“Testing is now affordable and accessible to all,” enthused Ambrose. “The previous standard test involved urinating inaccurately into an empty beer bottle, and although this test could detect authenticity almost flawlessly, there was the ultimately unacceptable side-effect of, in Socio-Virological terms, piss just everywhere. The N10RPB-RQ test has been a game-changer. Whereas last year we were seeing wave after wave of inauthenticity devastate scenes across the country, we now find each new variant is less potent than the last, and happily, we are now seeing some really weak shit.”

At press time, PunkBae’s latest video “Is The Microwave a SCAM?!?” had garnered seven million views in just under four hours.

Photo by Jana Miller