CRAIG, Colo. — Local punk Kenneth Dieter instinctively snuck into a show despite there being no cover charge to enter, sources who urged him to read the show flyer more carefully next time confirmed.
“You mean I spent weeks studying the venue’s elaborate air duct system as well as that one scene from ‘Die Hard’ where Bruce Willis shimmies his way through a ventilation shaft to learn how to successfully sneak into the building for nothing?” said Dieter before adding that it’s not as easy as they make it look in the movies. “What can I say? My dad used to say that I have to earn everything. And let me tell you, I work my butt off sneaking into shows without being caught. That being said, I didn’t realize this one was free. Hoo boy, do I have egg on my face with that one.”
Joey Bronco, the venue’s bouncer, sees guys like Dieter all the time.
“You wouldn’t believe the lengths people go through to sneak into a venue,” said Bronco before approving a library card as a valid form of ID for a 21 and over show. “Whether it’s three dudes stuffed in a trench coat approaching the door or someone digging a huge hole just outside the venue in an attempt to tunnel their way into the basement, you have to admit that their efforts are probably not worth saving five bucks in entrance fees. Starting to wonder why no one just sneaks through our unlocked and unguarded back door. That probably makes more sense.”
Experts warned that these mischievous habits could develop into more serious offenses.
“Sure, now you’re just sneaking into low-level punk shows for the thrill of it,” said counselor Lisa Tralkall. “Next thing you know, you’ll be formulating elaborate plans to break into famous band practices and you won’t get the same kick unless you’ve successfully kidnapped Dave Grohl, disguised yourself as him, and secretly tour the country as the lead singer of the Foo Fighters. Crimes like this usually start small and end with trapping Dave Grohl in your basement dungeon.”
In related news, Dieter pointed off in the distance and said “what’s that” to the merch guy to distract him long enough to swipe a completely free sticker from the merch table.
Photo by Jana Miller.