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If You’ve Carved ‘Slayer’ Into Your Arm You Could Be Looking At A Huge Cash Settlement

Attention longtime Slayer fans! If you’ve shown your dedication to thrash legends Slayer by carving the band’s name into your flesh, you could be entitled to serious financial compensation!

That’s right, your self-harm investment has just gone south of heaven as the long reigning metal kings (and sensible life planners) have just announced their retirement and will soon abdicate their throne as one of the “Big Four.”

So turn that cry for help into a cry for cash!

Just because Slayer’s kneecaps may be filling with more fluid each performance doesn’t mean you’re not eligible to collect on your lifelong commitment. Fair is fair.

You may notice that “Slayer” in your once youthful skin now looks more like “Bayer” which you’re no stranger to by now. Raining blood is murder on the joints. Blood humidity? Even worse. Isn’t it about time you could afford a little comfort?

Think of it this way: Do you think Tom Araya carved “Zachary Rosenberg” in HIS arm? Hell no. Kerry King is thinking about Kerry King and not about you or the flak your dum-dum parents gave you when you treated your body like an Etch A Sketch with that clay knife you boosted from art class.

Dave Lombardo? He’s not showing up to YOUR shift at Walmart and yelling “Brian Kominskiiiiiiii!!” in between every box you lift.

Other symptoms of Slayer’s retirement may include:

Battle vest PTSD during peacetime
Excessive drying and irritation on dead skin mask
Sudden lack of use for Nazi imagery

What are you waiting for? WEALTH AWAITS!

Disclaimer: Medical issues should be reviewed by a licensed physician or by a guy whose stepsister used to be a nurse.

Call us by screaming “SLAAAYEEEEER!” into the nearest phone.