Acne Launches New Franchise Opportunities Across Upper Back and Shoulders

Posted on by Freelancer

RAAHIL’S BODY — The fast-growing cystic acne chain on your friend Raahil’s face is launching franchise opportunities, with new pimples emerging on his upper back and shoulders.

“We’re incredibly excited about this next chapter of greasy skin irritations on Raahil,” said a giant cyst-thing that’s already expanded from Raahil’s jawline well onto the side of his neck. “It’s an ideal time to expand. Raahil’s high levels of stress, late-night Taco Bell runs, and inability to maintain good hygiene amidst societal collapse have been great for business. We’re striking while the iron’s hot and the guy is at his lowest, and we feel pretty good about our prospects.”

Raahil’s upper back and shoulders offer vast untapped market potential.

“We’re excited to be gaining some traction,” stated Raahil’s torso. “Raahil came super close to getting a tattoo on us once, but he kept passing out on the chair. The artist eventually just told him to leave. It was devastating. Now, the guy rarely goes outside for anything that’s not food-related, and even then he sort of just shuffles around in a giant disgusting hoodie, so it’s not like we’re in the public eye. We’re so grateful those who came before us trust us to grow their vision and help keep the zit and mortar business alive.”

Raahil is nonplussed by the new venture taking place on his body.

“I never thought my combination skin would be a booming market,” he explained. “My feet, maybe. But as a first-gen kid, you come to understand that having total agency over your own choices or even your body, apparently, isn’t really a given. It’s just one of those things. I just hope this acne doesn’t get any ideas about gentrifying my ass anytime soon—there’s been a thriving community of hair there for years already and I really don’t want to see it slowly be pushed out for some chain hormonal reaction.”

As of press time, the hair from inside Raahil’s nose was in talks with his inner ears about possibly collaborating right around his 42nd birthday.

Amazing: A Wing Mural Selected This Instagram Influencer as the Most Pure of Heart Before Fusing With Her Body and Ascending Her to Heaven

Posted on by Peter Clark-Deutsch

Everyone says that Instagram is only a cesspool of shallow individuals looking for cheap validation or a way to profit from their followers. Try telling that to the 21-year-old beauty, lifestyle, fashion, fitness, and spirituality coach, Kaylee Dawn who is now residing among the holy angels of the Heavens with her new set of #LiveFreeAndWild wings.

You may ask how the former Los Angeles resident wound up posting from Heaven. But that would be silly. She was obviously chosen for ascension by a popular wing mural in the downtown area. As soon as she rested her back against the wall, words suddenly appeared above the wings reading, “THE CHILD OF DESTINY HAS ARRIVED” before they came to life, fused with her spine, and flew her up to the skies. Escaping her from the conceited and selfish mortal world below.

“Feeling so humbled to have been chosen to live with our Lord as one of his angels,” Kaylee said in a recent Instagram post with the location tagged, “Heaven.” The post continued, “I just want my followers to know that I don’t think I’m better than anyone because I now sit alongside God’s throne and look down at his creation for all eternity. Honestly, being famous on Instagram feels pretty much the same so this is nothing new. #positivemondays”

What a beautiful soul Heaven has gained. Thank God we can still receive her posts.

Other angelic residents have speculated that Kaylee was most likely chosen for that one time she showed her followers the importance of being kind and understanding after giving her unfinished kombucha to a homeless person in need. What an amazing journey!

It’s clear that the rest of us are not worthy to be in the same plane of existence as Kaylee. Still, we here on Earth are going to miss the light she shined on the world.

Kaylee most recently posted to her Instagram a selfie with Jesus Christ along with the caption, “We happened to run into each other (winking emoji with tongue). You can get the @vanessamooney choker I’m wearing for 20% off by using the codeword HOLINESS at checkout. Link in bio.”

Punk Venue Requires Proof of Vaccination and You to Name 10 Real Punk Bands

Posted on by Sam Eardley

CALEXICO, Calif. — Local punk venue The Microwave announced new restrictions for patrons and will require anyone wanting to attend a show to present proof of vaccination and to name at least 10 legitimate punk bands, multiple sources confirmed.

“Safety is our number one priority, and our number two priority is making sure we don’t have anyone in here claiming that Twenty One Pilots are a legit punk band because one of the guys had a mohawk once,” said venue manager Juan Mata. “The world is crazy right now and I don’t want to be responsible for the continued spread of poser ideology. Last year we were having some pretty scary outbreaks — I still don’t even know what the fuck ‘influencers’ are, but suddenly they were here every night and we had no way of knowing where it’d started or how to stop it.”

Jaxon O’Connell, known to his many YouTube followers as PunkBae, was one of several to be turned away from last night’s Rattz of Das Kapital show, and was at a loss to see how he had failed the quiz.

“Everyone knows the first three. Sex Pistols. Green Day. U2. That’s locked in,” stated a frustrated O’Connell. “Then, I guess my history is a bit shaky, but I figured punk is from the ‘70s, so I said The Smiths, The Beatles and Elvis & The Presleys. Then I brought it home with my closers; Blink. Sum. Lavigne. And I needed one more so I just kind of made up a punk supergroup with MGK, P!nk, CM Punk and my big brother. The guy working the door started laughing at me then picked up a baseball bat from behind the door and told me he would give me a 10-second head start. This seems like discrimination, thankfully my parents are both lawyers.”

Socio-Virologist Marcella Ambrose, who led the development of the N10RPB-RQ (Name 10 Real Punk Bands, Real Quick), believes the test is a cause for real optimism.

“Testing is now affordable and accessible to all,” enthused Ambrose. “The previous standard test involved urinating inaccurately into an empty beer bottle, and although this test could detect authenticity almost flawlessly, there was the ultimately unacceptable side-effect of, in Socio-Virological terms, piss just everywhere. The N10RPB-RQ test has been a game-changer. Whereas last year we were seeing wave after wave of inauthenticity devastate scenes across the country, we now find each new variant is less potent than the last, and happily, we are now seeing some really weak shit.”

At press time, PunkBae’s latest video “Is The Microwave a SCAM?!?” had garnered seven million views in just under four hours.

Photo by Jana Miller

The Most Accomplished Bassist in History Is a Woman but You Don’t Know Her Name Because She’s a Bassist

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Throughout history, certain groups are overlooked. Regardless of an individual’s accomplishments, no matter how massive or prevalent throughout culture and art, some pioneers are ignored simply because of one piece of demographic information. Even if the individual’s work can be recognized by just about every living person on the planet, their names go unknown. Case in point: the most accomplished bassist in history is a woman. But since she’s part of a group so ignored, so downtrodden, and so historically diminished, few even know her name. Well her name is Carol Kaye. And she is a bassist.

Carol Kaye is a woman. And she’s celebrated for that fact, sight unseen. However, she is also part of a group largely ignored by music historians. Sure, you may know the names of a few bassists like Flea, Sting, and P-Nut. But they needed a flashy nickname and a closet full of cocksocks just to get your attention. Why can’t a bassist be respected on their own merit?

Carol Kaye is a hard-working musician who needs to be recognized for her work. What work you may ask? How about “La Bamba,” “These Boots Were Made for Walkin,’” and the theme for fucking “Mission: Impossible” just to name a few! There are literally thousands more. You have heard her work. You have danced to her basslines. You just don’t know her name. This is why we need percussionism.

Over the past 50 years, she’s played on over 10,000 notable recordings. She’s not only the most prolific bassist of all time but quite possibly the most prolific musician period. But I guess we’ll have to wait until she passes away before the bass-bashing music press acknowledges her greatness.

Okay sure, everyone knows bassists like Brian Wilson or Paul McCartney (well, except for Kanye fans of course). But that’s because they were also singers and songwriters in legendary bands. Well, when Brian Wilson was too busy conducting an orchestra/circus for the recording of “Pet Sounds,” who did he hire to take over his bass playing duties? That’s right. Carol. Fucking. Kaye. But who’s name is on the liner notes of that album for playing bass? Oh wait it actually does say “Carol Kaye.” I guess Brian Wilson is a pretty stand-up guy. Too bad he’s a frontman and they’re inherently scum. Smash the guitariarchy!

Woman Still Dating Her Ex-Boyfriend

Posted on by Dom Turek

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — A self-proclaimed “bachelorette” is celebrating six months of being single by going out to a romantic dinner with her ex-boyfriend, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“This is where the magic happens,” said Kina Walker, discreetly kicking a pair of her ex’s boxers under the bed. “Being single has allowed me to really branch out and explore my creative side until about 8 p.m., which is when my ex gets out of work and I go over to his house so we can make dinner together and catch up on Succession. It’s the healthiest breakup I’ve ever had.”

Walker and her then-boyfriend of four years, James Perez, decided to call it quits after realizing they’d be better off as friends who regularly slept together and still said, “I love you,” much to the dismay of her friends.

“I was initially excited to have single Kina back so we could pick up guys from the bar,” said Jenifer Rodgers, Walker’s best friend, “But every time a guy talks to her, she shuts him down because it would be ‘disrespectful to James.’ She says she’s single, but I don’t know any other single people who book couples massages with their exes. She’s not fooling anyone but herself.”

Walker and Perez insist they’ve taken every possible measure to avoid backsliding into a potentially doomed relationship, including blocking each other on social media, and avoiding being seen in public together.

“Welcome to my bachelor pad,” said Perez, unplugging a curling iron Walker accidentally left on before going to work. “I’ve learned that the key to getting over a break-up is setting strong boundaries with Kina and sticking to them, like deleting her phone number and only paying for dinner if it’s her birthday or she’s had a hard day at work. My friends say it seems like I’m still in a relationship, but I actually have a date planned with a really hot girl later tonight. Would a person in a relationship do that?”

At press time, completely unsurprised sources discovered the really hot girl Perez planned on meeting up with was Walker.

We Tried Playing D&D and This Game Is Nowhere Near as Satanic as 80s Republicans Promised Us

Posted on by James Knapp

The 1980’s — the decade that gave us parachute pants, Reaganonomics and, of course, rampant Satanic ritual magic disguised as tabletop role-playing games. A simpler time.

Recently, The Hard Times decided to try playing a little Dungeons and Dragons to recapture some of that wonderful, demonic energy that at one time terrified the moral majority so much that they decided to subject a handful of preschool teachers to the most expensive trial in American history. Sounds fun, right?

Imagine our disappointment when we gathered around for our first session, adorned in identical blood-red robes, only to realize that we’d been burned. Satan has almost nothing to do with this game! Like, he does a little bit, but not enough to justify numerous congressional hearings and a made-for-TV movie starring Tom fucking Hanks. Bullshit!

Now we know this may come as a shock to many of you, but we think that the Republicans might have been over embellishing a little with this whole Satanic panic thing.

We tried to adjust our expectations but the damage was already done. You know what our first quest was? We had to rescue a lost goat. That’s it! We thought maybe it was gonna turn out to be Baphomet in disguise and he would usher us through the hell portal or something, but no, we seriously just found and returned some farmer’s lost property. That was the game.

Granted, the farmer did then sacrifice the goat in the name of some sort of tree ghost, but that is hardly a substitute for the dark prince we were promised. Where are the legions of black-eyed children that made Orrin Hatch scream himself erect every night? That’s what they told us this game was about!

Despite the lack of overt Satanic influence, and the fact that it has a bunch of nerd shit in it like math and what have you, this game is still pretty fun. We just can’t shake the disappointment that 80s Republicans lied to us like this.

Well all in all this has been a bit of a setback, but our quest for Satan continues! Next week we’re all going to start reading Harry Potter. Christians used to burn those books so we’ve got pretty high hopes this time around!

Punk Has Surprisingly Nuanced Views on Shania Twain

Posted on by Brooks Gray

SALT LAKE CITY — Local punk Elizabeth “Bloodfucker” Matolka elicited mild surprise from her bandmates when she acknowledged a degree of affinity for country-pop artist Shania Twain, sources confirmed.

“Country-pop is the worst pile of shit ever pinched off by the corporate scum who run the record business, but Shania didn’t create that world, she just conquered it,” said Matolka, bassist for local horror punk band The Period Havers. “She grew up really poor and struggled for years grinding it out in small-town dive bars, and I mean yeah, she eventually sold out and did Vegas and all that, but after what she’s been through, who the fuck wouldn’t? And did you know she almost lost her voice because of her battle with Lyme disease? It’s fucking insane.”

The Period Havers drummer, Cleopatra “Clitface” Deeks, reported that Matolka began her lengthy Shania Twain rant after an offhand comment by lead vocalist, Gertrude “Diarrhea” Alcalde.

“We were in an Uber on our way to rehearsal, and ‘You’re Still the One’ came on the radio. We see Betty kind of bopping along, so Gertrude goes, ‘Yo Betty I didn’t know you were such a Twain head’,” said Clitface. “And then Betty starts going off for two hours about how Shania’s songwriting is better than Mutt Lange’s, that he gets too much credit, and he’s a piece of shit for fucking Shania’s best friend when they were married. Like, we get it, Shania Twain doesn’t totally suck but can you please shut up anyway?”

Ethnomusicologist Elaine Montgomery noted that in punk subcultures, neurotic hand-wringing about the concept of authenticity, known as ‘cred’, is not uncommon.

“International country-pop couldn’t be further from punk rock aesthetically, but Shania Twain’s life story exemplifies a certain working-class, DIY ethos that punks revere,” she explained. “But unlike 99.99% of punks, Shania Twain achieved mainstream success, which of course leads to the ‘sell out’ label. In short, a punk like Ms. Bloodfucker can’t help but love Shania Twain, but hates herself for it, and tries not to give a fuck at the same time. It’s cognitively and emotionally taxing.”

At press time, members of The Period Havers were seen burying their heads into nearby couch cushions after a bartender dared bring up Britney Spears.

Wife Wondering How Concerned She Should Be After Catching Husband Watching Old Skate Videos

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local woman Katie Sandoval has been reconsidering the stability of her marriage after walking in on her husband watching Zero Skateboards’ 1997 video “Thrill of it All” in their basement, confirmed distraught sources close to the couple.

“Scott (Larsson) was into skateboarding as a teenager but, to the best of my knowledge, this is the first time he’s watched one of those types of videos in the 10 years we’ve been together,” said Sandoval from her sister’s house. “I should have known something was up when I found a bunch of old Thrasher magazines hidden in a paper bag in our closet. It became a real issue when I was on our computer, almost all the suggested videos on YouTube were skateboarding related. I made a joke about it at dinner and he got real quiet and the next time I used the computer, the history had been cleared.”

“I really just hope this doesn’t lead to him trying to skate again, he’s almost 40 and I’m pretty sure his ankles would turn to dust,” Sandoval added.

Larson dismissed his partner’s concerns as being ‘overblown’ and nothing to stress about.

“I love Katie, but she spends too much time reading between the lines,” the 38 year-old software engineer said while searching for PDF versions of old CCS catalogs in a private browser. “It’s nothing more than morbid curiosity. I mean yeah, it’s great to see that skateboards these days a little bit wider than when I was back in my prime. I think that’s progress. And yeah, I do miss waxing ledges behind supermarkets and skating there until the cops come. But at this point I actually find more joy in watching people skate, especially some of the vintage stuff. The pants were so wild.”

Psychologists state that while some nostalgia is healthy, becoming too wrapped in it could be signs of deeper issues.

“Mr. Larson is at the age where men begin experiencing mid-life crises, so while it’s not unusual for him to look back fondly at activities from his youth, it’s important to make sure it’s not maladaptive nostalgia,” noted psychologist Dr. Jeff Gergen. “Watching old Transworld videos in his spare time is probably fine, so long as it doesn’t interfere with everyday activities like work and sex. Now, say he starts spending his spare time hanging out in the 7-11 parking lot and getting chased out of city squares by security guards? Well, then you might want to consider getting a professional involved.”

At press time, Sandoval wasn’t sure if she should be relieved after seeing the skate videos replaced by World War 2 documentaries.

Man Can’t Wait for Directionless, Improvised, Five-Hour-Long Grateful Dead Biopic

Posted on by Richard Circuit

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local deadhead Patrick Thames expressed excitement over Martin Scorsese’s upcoming biopic of the Grateful Dead which is expected to be mostly improvised, completely directionless, and way longer than it needs to be, friends of the tye-dye enthusiast confirmed.

“I’m hoping they start with Jerry’s childhood, then slip into his early bluegrass stuff, then into his mid-30s for a bit before seamlessly going back into Jerry’s childhood for like eight more minutes,” said Thames, 54, to no one in particular. “I’ve been scouring the forums, and most of the diehard theorists think it’s gonna be childhood, Woodstock, addiction, Red Rocks, diabetes, then back to an epic childhood jam. I’m okay with that, as long as they take a break in the middle to show a random assortment of trippy stock images over a soundtrack of unintelligible screeches.”

Thames’ friend, Gary Farber, is just as enthusiastic about the release, going as far as setting his itinerary for opening night.

“You know I’ll be at the theatre at midnight with my tape recorder, waiting to make an unlistenable copy of the movie’s sound. I’ll have to show up early so I can make sure I score a ticket in the theatre lot,” said Farber, 80, as he added beads to a neon vest. “I heard they’re filming the whole thing in one take on a random night in the woods of upstate New York. Then they’re just gonna release it unedited, no matter the quality of the audio or video. So authentic.”

For five years, director Martin Scorcese has been preparing for this project, immersing himself in the creative process of the band.

“I have spent four years doing acid on a bus, and then the past twelve months working myself up to go out there and wing it,” said Scorcese, who landed the gig after Steven Spielberg was fired for writing a script and ruining the movie’s spontaneity. “We were able to get Jonah Hill for pretty cheap because we’re only filming for five hours total. He’s been getting ready by doing absolutely no research so he can really make it up on the spot.”

At press time, a local Velvet Underground fan turned off the trailer for new documentary after realizing it didn’t even blow out his TV speakers.

Now That Britney’s Free, What Should My Next Thing Be?

Posted on by Brooks Gray

On November 12, 2021, Britney Spears became free. For leaders of the #FreeBritney movement like me, 11/12 was our 9/11, except in reverse. November 12 was the day a disaster was undone and the twin towers of Britney’s dignity and autonomy were resurrected. Okay cool. Now, what should my next thing be?

For years, I poured my heart and soul into the cause. I posted thousands of times on Instagram, designing and selling Free Britney merch, and even strongly considering going to law school to help destroy the evils of conservatorship. So now that’s it’s over, what should I throw my entire identity into next?

The Captivity of Britney was a long and traumatic 14 years for Britney Spears and, honestly, for me. I lived, breathed, and posted through all of it to the detriment of my emotional and professional well-being. Day and night I fought for my queen online, insisting that Brit should have the freedom to go to In-N-Out Burger, see her children, or sign a deal for a lucrative Las Vegas residency without her father’s permission.

But life goes on and there are many other worthy causes that could use an identity-less social shapeshifter like me. Criminal justice reform, equal rights, and anti-gun violence are all good causes, but if I’m honest with myself, these issues lack a certain je ne sais quoi compared to rescuing the Princess of Pop from her gilded cage.

These days, I scroll through social media tirelessly in search of a cause. That is until I realized something about myself. Life is not basing my life around a movement. I need to be an individual and think for myself. And to me, personally, I can’t live in a world where Jason Momoa doesn’t fork over every cent to my goddess Lisa Bonet. #TeamBonet