Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Is It Just Me or Is Satanic Mass Just as Boring as Catholic Mass?

Posted on March 29, 2022 by Jose Balderas

I was in need of some faith, but I’m also not some dork who pretends their Lord is made of crackers. My friend Karlo was super into Satanism so after a phone call he invited me to check out his temple. I can’t deny I was stoked and I even busted out my “for-shows-only” Ghost shirt. But let me tell you, Satanic mass was the most boring shit ever.

First off, everyone’s super theatrical. They try to talk slow like they’re a thousand years old. I don’t have time for some NPC exposition. If I wanted that I would have stuck with Catholicism. When you say “Satanism,” I think flaming demon heads and fishnet stockings. Sure, everyone was super chill but where were the sick-ass metal riffs? And why isn’t everyone wearing goat skulls?

The lady that greeted me at the Satanic temple/rec center also asked me if “I do what thou wilt” and I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Hell yeah,” which felt appropriate. Ugh. My mom’s Catholic church had ushers too and they were also fucking annoying.

Ok, so Satan equals bad-ass face-melting music right? Well not here. It was some CD on a loop of bells and a chorus track that sounded like a bunch of pre-pubescent boys. No screaming guitars. No drums that would make you think Mordor is erupting with orcs. Also, no orcs. What the fuck are we even doing here?

Worst of all, I expected our Warlock or Wizard (or whatever leads this thing) to be like fuckin’ Danzig. But the dude in charge was like 63 and I’m pretty sure he’s my dad’s mechanic.

Honestly, I could forgive all the old people, Latin, and lack of good music but at the end, they had the audacity to ask for a donation to “The Church.” I can’t think of anything more pathetic than the Prince of Darkness handing me a basket, even if it was made of black wicker, and asking for some change.

Also, there’s no way I’m joining the post-service orgy with anyone I saw there.

Crowd Not Sure if Drummer Engulfed in Flames Part of Show or Not

Posted on March 29, 2022 by Doug Kolic

TORONTO — Concert goers were left baffled last night when drummer Gareth McGibbons of mathcore band Hyde Index burst into flames during the band’s second song, confirmed fans who were unsure if they were watching part of the high-octane show or witnessing a fellow human burnt alive in front of their eyes.

“Nobody knew if we should cheer or scream in horror as the smell of burnt hair and flesh filled the room. I’ve seen Hyde Index a few times and they always do something crazy, so when the drummer started running around the stage waving his arms after a large flame effect set him ablaze, we didn’t know if he was trying to hype up the crowd or gesture for immediate medical attention,” stated long-time fan, Amanda Turnbull. “The next thing we knew, he was lying on the ground as the band continued to play around his motionless body. It was right in the middle of a huge breakdown so nobody could get anywhere near the stage with a fire extinguisher.”

Hal Perry, the venue’s lone security guard also expressed his confusion about the scene.

“Hyde Index has played here a few times and the drummer always does a dumb-ass stunt. Like the time he jumped off the full stack with his snare drum and injured six people. Another time he got shot out of a burning cannon onto hundreds of live scorpions and when I rushed out to help the lead singer got pissy and said I ruined the climax of the song,” said Perry. “Ever since then, I hang back until I can figure out what these morons are up to. All I know for sure is that skinny ass drummer did suffer third-degree burns to his entire body, but was smiling the entire time, so who the fuck knows.”

Though none of the other band members were available for comment after the show, the heavily bandaged McGibbons was tracked down at Cedars-Sinai Burn Unit and offered his take on the night’s events.

“Was the stunt planned? Maybe. Maybe not. Or was it an accident caused by the recklessness of the other band members who constantly force me into dangerous situations because they think it’s funny and they believe I’m easily replaceable? I guess we’ll never know,” said McGibbons while fully wrapped in gauze. “I’m just a little upset that this happened on the first night of our tour because I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive being lit on fire another 27 times.”

At press time, McGibbons was being prepped for another painful skin graft, asking anyone who’d listen if his bandmates ever showed up to check on him.

Southern Drug User Refers to Every Amphetamine As “Coke”

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Corey Montgomery

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Southern woman and recreational drug user Darlene Abbot reportedly refers to every amphetamine or stimulant simply as “coke,” citing cultural norms and ease of conversation.

“That’s just how I was brought up. Poppers, cocaine, bennies, speed, crack… you name it. If it perks ya up, we all just call it ‘coke’ down here. I don’t really know why people want to complicate it so much. Life’s hard enough as is,” explained Abbot. “That’s just how things are in these parts, I suppose. Since before I was even a pup we ain’t had much use for all them fancy drug terms. Gets in the way of what we’re here to do: get high.”

Local drug dealer Jimmy “Slim” McGovern admitted that he experienced frustration with this particular cultural quirk after relocating from Cincinnati, Ohio last month.

“It’s so fucking confusing, man. Just the other day, I had a customer that kept telling me he needed coke. I pulled out almost everything I had to offer, and he just kept shaking his head and saying, ‘No. Coke,’” recounted an exacerbated McGovern. “It wasn’t until he pulled out an empty pill bottle that I realized the dude just wanted Adderall. Honestly, I’m probably just going to make a picture chart of all my uppers to avoid the hassle moving forward.”

Noted linguist James Clint explained that this regional phenomenon is actually quite common.

“It’s kind of like how most people have a tendency to call every tissue a ‘Kleenex.’ When cocaine first hit the South it became quite ubiquitous,” Clint stated. “As similar drugs began to hit the market, it was hard for southerners to shake the cultural impact of cocaine, leading to most stimulants and amphetamines being labeled as ‘coke.’ Me? I’m more of a ludes guy. Believe it or not, I used to think all sedatives were called ludes until I got my Master’s.”

Abbot was last seen at a local Dairy Queen where she frustrated workers by ordering a Sprite.

Toddler Who Found Dad’s Gun Finally Getting Some Respect Around Here

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Matt Bieker

CHATTANOOGA — Local three-year-old Joseph Rhoades is finally getting some goddamn respect in his household after finding his father’s semi-automatic handgun behind a bookshelf in the upstairs bedroom.

“No more nap time! I want ‘Paw Patrol’ now!” the toddler screamed, tapping the barrel of the loaded Glock 38 on the side of his highchair. “Mommy and Daddy were always bossing me around before, but I just point the big gun and go ‘bang’ and everybody does what I say. Maybe those times they laughed at me when I got spaghetti sauce all over my face aren’t so fucking funny now, huh?”

Mother Chrissie Rhoades was left to manage the new schedule of eating chocolate and destroying the pantry that her son has insisted upon, while father Mark Rhoades promises to “handle it” when he gets home.

“When Joey first found the gun, I was obviously worried about the safety aspect of things, but he knows that what he’s holding is not a toy—because his toy guns are much lighter and more brightly colored,” she said while hurriedly making her son his favorite snack. “He’s really come out of his shell since he started carrying it around. Although, it does make me nervous to see him sleep with it tucked into the waistband of his Huggies. Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Some sources close to the situation, like 15-year-old babysitter Eliott Meyer, recounted their concern about the new development.

“I mean, I kinda knew what this family was all about when I saw their Gadsden flag bumper sticker—but there’s an actual crisis situation going on in there,” said Meyer, pointing to the family’s suburban home from behind the truck in the driveway he was using for cover. “I gotta say, though, Joey does look pretty badass when he holds the gun sideways like that. I guess I’m sorry for calling him a whiny baby last weekend, and I definitely will not make the mistake of bringing him regular milk when he asks for strawberry ever again.”

At press time, sources stated that the child had packed the gun into his ‘Toy Story’ backpack in anticipation of preschool the following day while ‘Hotel Transylvania: Transformania’ ran on a loop in the family’s den for the seventh consecutive hour. When pressed for comment, the toddler answered that “The time for talking was way past over.”

Toddler Who Found Dad’s Gun Finally Getting Some Respect Around Here

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Matt Bieker

Some sources close to the situation, like 15-year-old babysitter Eliott Meyer, recounted their concern about the new development.

How To Recognize Disinformation Spread by Russian State Media or My Lying Ex-best Friend Denise

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Dianne Nora

As tensions mount across the world and within our communities, social media has become an invaluable source of information on the escalating conflicts at home and abroad. While many verified reports circulate across social media, these sites have also become a hotbed of misinformation about the Russian invasion of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, and of all the shit that went down when I thought my so-called “best friend” Denise was someone I could fucking trust.

Here are some tips to recognize the truth from disinformation, be they lies from the mouth of a callous, warmongering psychopath or from Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Read beyond the first line – One technique to spread false information online is to create an inflammatory but ultimately misleading headline or caption that fails to capture the reality of the situation. For example, Kremlin sources have suggested that they entered Ukraine to “De-Nazify the nation.” There’s much more to it than that. Another example is when Denise shared a screenshot of a text in which I said to the group chat that I was feeling guilty for hooking up with the cousin of my on-again-off-again boyfriend Kyle.

Check the date – Sharing articles or images as if they are breaking news, when they are in fact several years old, is a tried and true method of intentionally misrepresenting the facts. News stories shared from years passed could lead readers to believe the conflict in Ukraine was a civil war rather than an invasion, just as older posts from Denise could show we did get matching tattoos saying “Friends” and “Forever.” But more recent information would show mine now reads “Forever Young,” because I don’t need to spend time on anyone who can’t keep her fucking mouth shut.

Look out for unusual formatting – Kremlin websites may look like a recognizable URL but upon further examination, there may be unusual punctuation or inverted letters, like one that fuckhead Denise tries to text and it’s readily apparent she’s been drinking because she could never hold her tequila. At least spell my name right if you’re spreading shit about me to my friends, bitch.

Understand that images can be misleading – Photos and even videos you find online may be edited or presented out of context. Images you see of American jets flying over Ukraine or of me straddling Kyle’s cousin are obviously doctored. Everyone knows I would never hook up in a public hot tub.

Ask yourself some simple questions – Do you know who uploaded this content and why they chose to share it now? Like Ukraine, you may be a target of intentional propaganda circulated by the Kremlin or a sad loser who is clearly still obsessed with me.

Simple Plan Learns That Life Is a Nightmare In Their 40s Too

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

MONTREAL — Members of the pop-punk Simple Plan are having an existential crisis after realizing that life never really stopped being a nightmare as they got older, aching and bitter sources confirmed.

“When we wrote ‘I’m Just a Kid,’ we weren’t thinking of the big picture,” frontman Pierre Bouvier said as he iced his knee after a brief walk with his dog. “I don’t even run or jump around a whole lot, but here I am stretching and making sure I don’t eat too much sugar. Sébastien (Lefebvre) tried doing a guitar toss recently, and his rotator cuff was totally fucked. We had to hire a session player while he recovered, and that messed up the payroll. When you’re a kid, you just want to make friends and hang out, but now I’m 42. I’m on the road, and my wife just called and said there might be termites on our roof. Everything in that song is still true, but everything else also sucks.”

Young Simple Plan fan Atticus Hurley sees things differently but through a naive veil of youthful optimism.

“It’s sad when guys go soft like this,” Hurley said with disappointment. “Their first album is called ‘No Pads, No Helmets… Just Balls,’ but it feels like they’re phoning in on the balls these days. They get to live on the road and follow nobody’s rules but their own. They’re living the dream! When I graduate, I hope to take a similar path. It’s like these guys forgot how fun it is to stay up with your friends until 3 a.m. and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s for dinner whenever your parents go out for the night.”

Resident Nihilist Nigel Fischer weighs in on whether or not the quality of life improves with age and wisdom, and gave us a resounding “fuck no.”

“It’s a good thing to be optimistic, but let’s be realistic. When you’re an aging musician, you want to sleep in the same bed as your wife, and not on a bus with the same people you’ve known since high school,” said Fischer. “Hangovers last two days. You gain weight breathing near a doughnut. Bankers fuck up your 401K, and you have to wait on the phone for three fucking hours to get somebody to fix it. Pierre is 100% correct. Life is absolute shit from wall to wall, no matter your age.”

At press time, members of Simple Plan were discussing their upcoming prostate exams and discussing which retirement facilities would be best for their parents.

Review: Scary Kids Scaring Kids “Out of Light”

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

After a breakup, the death of a band member, and an unexpected reunion, Scary Kids Scaring Kids have certainly been through the ringer, and their new album “Out of Light” proves that they are resilient as ever.

“Out of Light” marks the first release from SKSK since their critically acclaimed self-titled album way back in 2007. And that was one hell of a year. President Bush was so affected by the world of punk rocking against him that he decided to not seek a third term in office, the housing crisis and the recession that followed were months away, and after multiple failed attempts I finally got my motorcycle license.

The summer of 2007 was the year I wound up working on a boozy brunch cruise in Myrtle Beach. Mostly because my mom’s piece of shit boyfriend left her in the middle of the night to join the circus, I shit you not, and she needed someone else to help her split the rent. I was broke as anything at the time due to my felony conviction (unfair, mind you, that aggravated assault was in self-defense, and the second aggravated assault was because someone dared me) and my pervasive inability to hold down a job (including that ill-fated gig as a crossing guard), but hey, when mama calls, you answer.

The cruise wasn’t the worst job I’ve ever had—that honor goes to cleaning Porta-Potties at an EDM festival—but it certainly wasn’t the best. I spent most of my shifts serving bottomless mimosas to middle-aged white women and elderly Jewish mahjong addicts until they blacked out by noon. I was often stuck working alongside Sheila, a 22-year-old mother of three who was completely incapable of not talking and a deeply dedicated Toby Keith fan.

But despite my griping about my coworker’s musical tastes, the job was worth it for the free drinks alone. I was quite the hit among the “old guys smoking cigars all morning” crowd. It wasn’t worth it in the long run, however, ‘cause I got into a fistfight with Sheila. That snake-faced whore had the audacity to insult my AFI calf tattoo, so I fucking threw that bitch overboard. The ensuing warrant for my arrest has been hard to outrun all these years, even after modding the shit out of the Yamaha and reflashing the ECU.

SCORE: ⅘ Bottomless Mimosas and 1 ban from the state of South Carolina

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Academy Announces Best Film Editing, Other Piece of Shit Awards Handed Out in Denny’s Parking Lot

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Nuutti Sihvonen

LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out the awards for Best Film Editing and several other utterly meaningless categories in the parking lot of a Los Angeles Denny’s earlier today, excited sources confirmed while finishing up their pancakes.

“We’ve been looking for ways to combat slumping ratings,” Academy spokesperson Lauren Jacobs said. “This year we decided to finally pull the plug on giving these below-the-line dipshits all this totally undeserved screen time. The Oscars are meant to showcase the true stars. I mean, is editing and makeup even necessary in filmmaking? Honestly, who gives a shit about best dance direction? Even driving to that Denny’s was a waste of time, we could have just left these in the corridor of the Academy and had the winners come pick them up when they were in the neighborhood.”

David Matteo, who was nominated for his work as a production designer, admitted to having been upset by the news first but had found a way to look at the silver lining.

“Honestly, I’m just honored to be a part of this exciting new tradition,” said Matteo. “I mean, would it be nice to go to the actual Oscars? Sure, that’s every filmmaker’s dream, but then again, I get to gorge on free Grand Slams and chug down ice teas, while those high-and-mighty snobs have to deal with stuff like not getting to go to the bathroom whenever they want and making sure they don’t trip while millions of fans watch them getting credit for all their hard work.”

The news was also surprisingly well received by the employees at the Denny’s.

“From the iconic ‘2 a.m. at Denny’s’ concert to impromptu swordfights held in our parking lots across the country, Denny’s has cemented its role as a central locale in skeezy American popular culture, and we’re honored for the opportunity to extend that legacy,” said restaurant manager Denis Kaya. “Not to mention that he gives us a nice excuse to finally deep clean years of piss and beer off the parking lot pavement and kick out those pesky vanlifers using our premises as their living space.”

At press time, members of the Academy were seen dining and dashing after finishing after ordering rounds of the Signature Panookies for all the winners.

Pioneer: 100 Years Before Spotify, This Music Publisher Would Literally Divide Pennies Into 60 Pieces To Pay His Artists

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Sam Eardley

You probably haven’t heard of Theodore Ignatius Fitzwilliam Youngblood. But if you’re one of the world’s 400,000,000 Spotify users, you may have him to “thank.” As a sheet music publisher on Tin Pan Alley in the 1920s, Youngblood may seem a world away from the modern music-streaming experience. But today’s musicians, who receive around half a penny per Spotify stream, may feel a pang of recognition on reading Youngblood’s recently re-published memoirs “Salient Proclamations.” In which, details his artist payment process of slicing individual pennies into 60 pieces.

In this extract from the book, Youngblood talks about the composers on his payroll.

“It hit me one morning. There simply isn’t a coin small enough to remunerate these loathsome jingle-monkeys for a sale of one of their sheets of music. Upon realizing this I immediately engaged one of Manhattan’s finest metalworkers to fashion five-dozen segments from each penny in my purse and by sundown we were already paying those infernal ditty-miners in sixtieth.”

Spotify’s founders have always insisted their business model was completely original, but when this new edition of “Salient Proclamations of Theodore Ignatius Fitzwilliam Youngblood” appeared from the mists of history, the acronym spelled out by the book’s name seemed like it simply couldn’t be a coincidence.

“You have to think that one of the guys found an original copy of the book in a thrift store and based Spotify on that,” pop music historian Freya Nordquist told us. “He probably would have paid them less but at the time ‘exposure’ was a cause of death as opposed to a way publishers kill an artist’s career.”

Before achieving widespread success, the singer-songwriter Hoagy Carmichael spent some time in the employ of Youngblood.

“My ballads are whistled by every fellow in the city, yet I spend my days slaving for a brokerage firm and my nights writing music for worthless slivers of metal. I make more money selling handkerchiefs on which I have embroidered my own name and am reduced to making brief appearances at birthday shindigs for a nickel at a time.”

In this closing paragraph of Youngblood’s memoirs, we get a chilling snapshot of the man whose literal wage-cutting cemented him as the architect of modern popular music.

“Frankly, I never understood all the hullabaloo around music. Can’t stand the stuff.”

After a breakup, the death of a band member, and an unexpected reunion, Scary Kids Scaring Kids have certainly been through the ringer, and their new album “Out of Light” proves that they are resilient as ever.

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