LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out the awards for Best Film Editing and several other utterly meaningless categories in the parking lot of a Los Angeles Denny’s earlier today, excited sources confirmed while finishing up their pancakes.
“We’ve been looking for ways to combat slumping ratings,” Academy spokesperson Lauren Jacobs said. “This year we decided to finally pull the plug on giving these below-the-line dipshits all this totally undeserved screen time. The Oscars are meant to showcase the true stars. I mean, is editing and makeup even necessary in filmmaking? Honestly, who gives a shit about best dance direction? Even driving to that Denny’s was a waste of time, we could have just left these in the corridor of the Academy and had the winners come pick them up when they were in the neighborhood.”
David Matteo, who was nominated for his work as a production designer, admitted to having been upset by the news first but had found a way to look at the silver lining.
“Honestly, I’m just honored to be a part of this exciting new tradition,” said Matteo. “I mean, would it be nice to go to the actual Oscars? Sure, that’s every filmmaker’s dream, but then again, I get to gorge on free Grand Slams and chug down ice teas, while those high-and-mighty snobs have to deal with stuff like not getting to go to the bathroom whenever they want and making sure they don’t trip while millions of fans watch them getting credit for all their hard work.”
The news was also surprisingly well received by the employees at the Denny’s.
“From the iconic ‘2 a.m. at Denny’s’ concert to impromptu swordfights held in our parking lots across the country, Denny’s has cemented its role as a central locale in skeezy American popular culture, and we’re honored for the opportunity to extend that legacy,” said restaurant manager Denis Kaya. “Not to mention that he gives us a nice excuse to finally deep clean years of piss and beer off the parking lot pavement and kick out those pesky vanlifers using our premises as their living space.”
At press time, members of the Academy were seen dining and dashing after finishing after ordering rounds of the Signature Panookies for all the winners.