Brewing “Company” Just One Incredibly Insufferable Man

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Area hobbyist Keith James spent the majority of yesterday evening referring to his solo operation as a “Brewing Company,” moments after serving a mediocre home-brewed IPA to a group of unsuspecting friends at a party, sighing sources reported.

“I take my role as Founder, CEO, Marketing Coordinator and Chief Brewmaster of the Fine Grain Brewing Company very seriously,” said James. “It’s my job to oversee important company equipment, like the kettle and the fermenter. Not to get too technical for the non-brewers, but those are two integral pieces of equipment in the brewing process. Our company’s latest beer is a combination IPA Milk Stout with bits of ham that we call the ‘Canadian Voyage.’ It’s the best thing me and the company have made in our three long months of brewing experience.”

Longtime friend Gwen Bax said that they’re partly to blame for making James think that he was a competent home brewer.

“What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Keith, your beer tastes like a hot tire?’” said Bax. “I knew the guy had blown $2,000 on brewing equipment, so I decided to cut him some slack and wait until he left the room before vomiting. Turns out that I created a monster, because the next day he asked me to follow his ‘brewing company’s’ Instagram page. Last time I checked, a ‘company’ involves multiple people, not just one 39-year-old guy beginning a mid-life crisis in his garage. I know he’s not going to take it well when someone finally criticizes his beer. This is the same guy who called Spotify about his indie album’s low stream count after all.”

Local woman Abby Marks said that she and friends became ill after buying beer from James.

“I saw the Fine Grain website and thought ‘this looks so professional,’” said Marks. “I ordered a few cases of beer and Keith delivered them to the party himself. We thought it was a cute gesture, until we realized that he delivered the cases himself because he had to. Of course he stuck around to get our reaction too. When everyone started throwing up he got all mad and told us that we ‘had no respect for independent breweries.’ Goddamnit, all I wanted to do was support a local business, but I guess at least some guy in town made $46.”

At press time, James was seen buying supplies for at-home marijuana production.

We’re Out of Mediums But We Do Have An XL and Some Protein Powder

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Sorry, bro, but we’re out of mediums. We don’t have one in any of the other tees, long-sleeve tees, pullovers, crewnecks, zip-ups, or windbreakers, either. Sorry to ruin your “mid-aughts scene kid with pointy hair and skinny arms covered in cutting scars” aesthetic. Have you considered maybe bulking up?

We do have a fuckload of XLs. Sure, you’re 5’8” and 168 pounds of SSRIs and hummus right now, but if you start lifting tomorrow morning at 4:45 and successfully abandon every other aspect of your personality for the next two or three years, a couple of these shirts will fit you real nice.

You know what? I’ve got some Lone Wolf Pre-Workout Blend I could throw in with that XL, too. This Lone Wolf shit is gonna make you HUGE because it’s made with only two all-natural, body-boosting ingredients: non-GMO whey protein and powdered goat fat.

Sure, it tastes like fermented animal hair and dirty fingernails, but THINK OF THE GAINS! Actually, here’s a better deal: if you have some DMT, I’ll give you two-for-one shirts and protein. Two cups of Lone Wolf protein a day is gonna do wonders–it’s the same stuff Rogan uses to stay huge. You can actually hear him talking about it in hour 14 of last Thursday’s episode if you missed that one.

King, this is the deal of a lifetime because you’ll feel great, look great, and finally get some respect in the pit. Listen, I used to be just like you. I was scrawny, depressed, and riddled with misplaced anger towards women. Now, I have muscles. Why not get a bigger shirt and reboot your physical appearance even though you’ll stay ugly and miserable on the inside forever?

The best part about the XLs is that Under Armour makes them, so they’ll wick sweat away while also letting everyone know you listen to generic hardcore. Plus, the ratio of screenprint to black fabric is all off on the medium anyway.

So, if you want merch, take the XL and rebuild your personality around exercise and meat-based diets or get the fuck out of here, nerd.

Punks Asked To Take Off Shoes at Finished Basement Show

Posted on by Senneca Stone

OLIN, N.Y. — Local show promoter Ace Tucker dampened the mood of a recent show billed as “Brutal Basement Hardcore” when he kindly asked guests to remove their footwear before entering, confirmed multiple barefoot sources.

“We have a good system set up, you pay me the $5, get a hand stamp, and then you neatly line up your footwear along the wall out of the way of the door,” said show promoter Ace Tucker. “We don’t want to create a tripping hazard after all. People are starting to complain but the facts are this, my parents just finished a remodel down there and if the carpet gets ruined they will totally take away my Lexus! And honestly, I don’t think my request is out of line. One of the bands tonight has a song called ‘I Don’t Wipe.’ I know they aren’t talking about their feet, but I’m not taking any chances.”

Some members of the headlining band, Drederik Tatum, found the venue and the rules that accompanied it, disconcerting.

“If you are worried about dirt or dog shit on your plush, 17mm velvet pile carpeting, then you’re not punk,” stated Drederik Tatum lead singer, Matt Appleby. “In Pittsburgh, they have toilets in the middle of their basement shows. A dude took a dump in the middle of our set once. That’s punk as fuck dude, the smell made two people puke. You know what isn’t punk? Imported Turkish throw pillows! GG Allin wouldn’t self-mutilate on a burnt caramel, destructed leather couch! I came here to speak to the disenfranchised youth. I did not come here to be overwhelmed by brilliant interior design concepts.”

Not all attendees of the show found the arrangement disagreeable.

“I could care less,” exclaimed a wild-eyed punk, Ronnie LaPietro. “Did you see the place? They have an 80” flat-screen TV and two smaller ones on each side of that! You can watch a Misfits doc, while watching a Misfits live show, and a grave robbing vid, all at once! I’d also like to add, Drederik Tatum played great, but the hor d’oeuvres stole the show. Mrs. Tucker came downstairs with a tray of prosciutto-wrapped figs, stuffed with goat cheese. They were divine! ‘Mosh Pit?’ More like ‘nosh pit!’”

At press time, Tucker announced the next show in the newly christened venue now affectionately named “Easy Street” will be a board game night and pajama party with no set bedtime.

Photo by Jana Miller.

How Being A Gemini Drastically Delayed My Bipolar Diagnosis

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

My whole life, I just kept hearing, “You Geminis… I never know which one of you I’m gonna get! One minute you’re throwing the BBQ in the pool, and the next you’re Irishing good-bye-ing your own party to hole up in your basement for two weeks.” So when my psychiatrist said the word bipolar, I was like oh, no, you don’t understand… I was born on June 3rd.

I explained to her that out of nowhere, it feels like 100 puppies who just saw a park for the first time are bouncing around inside me for weeks at a time. I can’t sleep more than two hours a night because my mind and body are on fast forward in different directions. Then all of a sudden, the puppies take a two-month nap in this dark, soupy sludge of despair. But that’s just the yin and the yang of a Gemini, baby. I took out my license to prove my birthday and everything.

For some reason, that wasn’t enough to sway her, because she started writing a prescription. I was like, don’t worry, every horoscope I’ve ever read said I need to find balance, so alcohol has been the perfect regulator. Few beers to calm those puppies in the park, and a few beers to numb the soupy sludge. Now that I think about it, I wish I could just “screen shot” myself at three beers deep.

She called it “self-medicating”, which at first just sounded like narc-talk for microdosing, but this, and the fact that I’ve solely been listening to Suicide Silence and Alice In Chains for the last decade, really got me thinking… Maybe my overall mental health goes a little deeper than my astrological sign!

What a massive awakening! How many “depressed” and “manic” days could I have avoided if these hippy astrology nuts didn’t brainwash me with the stars?! Do you think you have a spicy temper because you’re a Taurus? Maybe you actually need anger management! Are you always late because you’re a Leo? Maybe you have ADD! Or you’re just an unreliable, inconsiderate asshole who doesn’t value my fucking time, in which case you’re just a Leo, but get that shit checked!

Maybe I shouldn’t have waited till I was 35 to seek therapy, but someone would’ve definitely would have mentioned this whole bipolar thing years ago if I was an Aquarius!

34-Year-Old Sends “You Up?” Text at 9:30 PM

Posted on by Zach Hudson

NACOGDOCHES, Texas — Local 34-year-old Mark Finn was unsuccessful in his attempts to woo a woman into meeting up no-strings for sexual intercourse by texting them “You Up?” at 9:30 p.m., according to well-rested sources.

“This worked a couple times in my twenties, but the last few years I don’t think I’ve gotten a single response though,” said Finn. “Maybe it’s just too much of a long shot. I mean, 9:30 is pretty late. And by the time they get here it’d probably be 10 or later. I have work the next day too. Maybe I’ll start around 8:30 or 9, because if this isn’t wrapped up by 11 my workout the next morning just isn’t gonna happen, and that just makes the rest of my day feel super off.”

Those on the receiving end of Finn’s outrageously late inquiries are appalled.

“Mark has tried this twice now, and it’s honestly so disrespectful,” said 32-year-old Tess Busey, of the unsuccessful attempts made on Finn’s behalf. “Like, 9:30 at night, are you kidding me? I’ve got my skincare routine done and my nose in a book by 8:30, maybe 8:45 at the latest if I didn’t get around to meal prepping on Sunday. This routine works for me, and I’m sure not going to break it for some mediocre dick from a guy who’s 34 going on 20.”

Sex and Relationship Experts largely agree that attempting to find a sexual partner spontaneously through text is a poor strategy, especially for people in their mid-thirties.

“Generally speaking, the success rate of “You Up?” texts are extremely low with any age group,” said Kelly Penn, author of several books on sex and relationships, including ‘It IS Too Late: How to Find Love in Your 30s While Following Your Circadian Rhythm.’ “When speaking specifically about adults 32 and older, it works less than 1% of the time. My recommendation would be to find an entirely new strategy, like not being a pathetic loser, or joining an age-appropriate singles kickball league.”

At press time, sources reported that Finn sent “You Up?” texts to multiple women at 7:30 PM following a work happy hour, but had passed out by 8 PM with no responses.

I Got To Hang Out On My Favorite Band’s Tour Bus And All I Had To Do Was Bring My Extremely Attractive Girlfriend

Posted on by Senneca Stone

I’ve always dreamed of hanging out on a tour bus with the band that changed my life, and last weekend, my vision board worked! I kicked it with indie rock legends, “Knights of Sin.” They even encouraged me to bring my girlfriend, who is a fitness influencer with millions of followers and a model for Elite Model Company.

It all started when Sid, the lead singer, randomly started “liking” some of my posts on Instagram. I thought, “how crazy is this? This dude’s lyrics helped me through some of the darkest moments of my life and here he is, posting fire emojis on pictures of me and my girlfriend Erin on a beach in Punta Cana! Then he commented “DAAAAYYYYUM” on a Halloween pic of me as Jack Kervorkiaan and Erin as a slutty euthanasia nurse.

Then, the craziest thing happened! Sid DM’d me an invite to hang on the tour bus with the band before their upcoming show in town. I said “yes” so fast, he had to remind me that I should probably invite Erin, so she doesn’t get mad. What a homie!

When we met him on the bus, I was totally geeked! He immediately introduced me to the rest of band! It was like Sid knew I would want to talk guitar and kit set-ups with the guys, so, like a total gentleman, he offered to give Erin a complete tour of the bus while I sat down with Adam, Bekim, and Jerrod.

It was a whirlwind! I talked to Bekim about his drum set up. I talked about the new album with Adam! I made endless jokes with Jerrod. I was having so much fun, I totally lost track of time and Erin! I thought she would be pissed but she said Sid kept her entertained the whole time. She’s so understanding. Sid even gave her one of his personal shirts to wear.

The show was lights out, but there was one more surprise! Erin got up on stage! Right before they broke into their biggest hit “You’re A Fire-Breathing Sex Dragon,” Sid told the sold out crowd, “I met the coolest girl today!” Then he asked Erin to come on stage! He sang the entire song while looking directly into her eyes! I will admit, at this point, I did start to get jealous. I would have loved to be the one on stage singing with Sid! Anyway, what a NIGHT!!!!!!

UPDATE: Erin Broke up with me. I’m dreading having to tell my new best friend Sid, they really hit it off!

Punk House Tightens Belt, Switches to Kirkland Signature Whippets

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BAYONNE, N.J. — Residents of local punk house The Dry Socket made the cost-cutting decision to switch to Kirkland Signature for household whippets after reevaluating their budget, sources from within the scene have reported.

“This wasn’t an easy decision, but none of us have had jobs since the beginning of the pandemic and you can only steal so many catalytic converters before the well runs dry,” said house resident Carl Kenner. “Reality set in during last week’s house meeting, and we realized we could no longer afford the extravagance of getting fucked up from huffing Reddi Wip and Endust. Only thing left to do was pool our money together for a Costco membership and switch to Kirkland Signature. Sure, Kirkland aerosols don’t knock you on your ass like the name brands do, but with all the money we’re saving we might actually be able to afford Kirkland brand food too.”

Costco employees have embraced the new clientele despite not fully understanding why their products have exploded in popularity.

“We usually cater to either large families or doomsday preppers, so seeing all these colorful people come in lately has been a nice change of pace. But they only ever buy whipped cream and keyboard cleaner,” said greeter Miriam Jones. “Are they some kind of futurist hackers who bake pies? I don’t really know what the kids are into these days. Whatever they’re doing, I hope they keep coming back because I would love to know their secret to why they’re in such a good mood all the time.”

Economists who’ve followed American shopping trends closely expect store brand stimulants to become a permanent staple on most shopping lists.

“As the threats of inflation, stagnant wages, and the impending recession loom, many punks are changing up their spending habits. While most of them are being conservative about the basics like having their parents pay their rent and cell phone bills, the demographic has found themselves turning to budget or store brand carcinogens to inhale in order to get through the banality of everyday life,” said Analysis Group rep John Berry. “This is obviously good news for businesses’ in-house brands, but it’s yet to be seen if there is enough paint thinner and wood glue to meet demand.”

As of press time, Kenner and his housemates were able to find another cost-saving measure by siphoning gas out of cars in the Costco parking lot.

Oh No: Guy Named Matt Just Learned His Name Means “God’s Gift”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Oh no, who told Matt? Someone obviously let it slip that his name means “Gift from God” because suddenly he has this whole story about the origin of “Matthew.” How the fuck else would he suddenly know the Hebrew name “Mattityahu” means “gift of Yahweh?” I’d be willing to bet he didn’t even know what “Yahweh” meant a week ago. And now we’re all fucked.

I can’t believe someone did this. He’s insufferable enough as it is. Remember when Ozark came out and he started using that “do better than you’ve been doing” quote endlessly? He’d say it to anyone for any reason. One minute late to a party? Don’t know the name of a song playing? “Do better than you’ve been doing.” What a nightmare. Now I fear he will repeat this “fun fact” even more frequently.

Remember that time Steve was moving and told him, “we can’t do this without you, Matt!” Of course, that was just a trick to get him to help but he spent an entire year insisting he was the strongest guy in the group. He acted like he thought he was a gift from God, and after this, he’s certain of it.

I really hope this isn’t as bad as the summer he decided to become a handyman. He watched home improvement YouTube videos for two days, then suddenly, he had suggestions for every home he spent more than 30 seconds in. He’d have to give you a tour of your own place and list everything you could do to improve it. His pièce de résistance was when he figured out how to install a Nest thermostat. I think he spent a full 18 months bragging about that.

Oh God, Matt just showed up. I can see him out of the window looking at himself in his car mirror. Good Lord is that a tattoo that says “God’s gift?!” Jesus Christ, we’ll never hear the end of this.

Half-Finished Stick and Poke Already Infected

Posted on by Zach Hudson

LAKEWOOD, Colo. — Local man Sean Richard is already showing signs of severe infection while getting a stick and poke tattoo from a close friend that claimed it would be “fine,” confirmed multiple grossed out sources.

“Yeah I’m starting to feel a little feverish and my arm looks kinda swollen, but that’s probably just from the brand of ink we’re using. It seems like people sometimes forget that tattoos are supposed to hurt, a little blood is normal, and your lymph nodes swelling up to the size of grapefruits is all part of the process,” said Richard while sitting in a puddle of his own sweat. “Scott (Calpin) did drop the needle on the ground, but he picked it up right away, and said ‘five-second rule.’ That’s as good as running the needle through an autoclave if you ask me.”

Calpin, who is notably not wearing gloves during the process of tattooing Richard, became defensive at the suggestion that Richard’s tattoo may already be infected.

“Everyone here is being way too sensitive telling me to ‘stop’ and ‘bring Sean to the hospital before this gets so bad they have to amputate his arm.’ I’ve done this dozens of times, I know what I’m doing,” said Calpin while wiping the tattoo with a wet fast food bag he found in the garbage. “This pus here is probably just from a pimple Sean didn’t know he had. We’re almost done anyway, and it’s gonna look sick once it’s finished. I’ve tattooed three other people this month and they’re all fine. I’ll do you next if you want, and if you’ve got 20 bucks.”

Linda Kane, a nurse at a Lakewood urgent care, saw some of the tattoo progress in a series of Instagram stories and was immediately distressed.

“I’ve seen a lot in my 18 years at this job, but nothing prepares you for something like that,” said Kane. “None of these people have had insurance, so they probably spent more here than they would have if they’d gone to a professional tattoo artist. The worst part is that none of them were even good. I can’t even tell what this is supposed to be with all the discharge and inflammation, but my gut tells me whoever’s getting it has a cover-up appointment in their future.”

At press time, Calpin was seen sneezing into his hand, which he did not wash before continuing the tattoo, and Richard reported that he was beginning to hallucinate, but that the tattoo was “looking dope.”

Photo by Jana Miller.

The Stereotype That Baby Boomers Struggle With Technology Is Unfair and Offensive to Us Period Send Alexa Add Ivermectin to Grocery List

Posted on by Vince Ratti

You’ve already made up your mind about me. Just because I was born in 1949, you think I’m a helpless old woman in a big, scary digital world. Well you can just “cancel” yourself because your notion that my generation is a bunch of bumbling ham-fists, unable to navigate today’s technology, is offensive and needs to end! Period. Send. Alexa, please add Ivermectin to my grocery list.

We’ve heard the jokes about grandma sending you a birthday card with a one-dollar bill in it. Well, what if I told you I keep a Bitcoin-digging laptop (paid for by my reverse mortgage) under my mattress? That’s right, this crypto-Grandma can send your dollar through the blog chains.

You think you’re speaking in code, but we know all about your filthy eggplants. It’s no surprise that Zoomers have violated the sanctity of garden produce and co-opted our beloved penis vegetable. Oh, that reminds me! Alexa, add eggplants to my grocery list. Oh, that reminds me! Alexa, add Ivermectin to my grocery list. Oh, that reminds me! Siri, play the Joe Rogan Experience.

Like any young person, I get my news from random strangers sharing Fox News articles on Facebook. But those of us with advanced life experience understand that there’s more to social media than that. Social media has the wonderful ability to bring together family and friends that otherwise might not be able to do so and it truly warms me. Why wouldn’t we want to be a part of something that effortlessly connects us? I only wish that my dear, late Charlie was here to see how easy it is to anonymously harass the ethnic restaurants in our area.