Wormrot Finally Bows to Public Pressure and Replaces Vocalist with Goat

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SINGAPORE — Members of grindcore trio Wormrot announced their vocalist Arif Rot is being replaced by the random goat that became an internet sensation after being photographed watching the band at a show in 2012.

“For the past decade we have had people asking us about the goat. They want to know if the goat tours with us, they want to know if the goat is cool in person, and they want to know if they can feed the goat some corn,” said drummer Vijesh Ghariwala. “We get it, people want the grind goat. I wasn’t easy, but after hours of negotiations with the farmer that owns him we were finally able to officially add that furry beast to our lineup. Kicking Arif out of the band for a barnyard animal was tough, but he completely understood and he’s dedicating more time to his art studio, Rotworks.”

At press time, Wormrot’s newest member was seen eating a variety of tin cans and dozens of copies of the band’s fourth studio album “Hiss.”

Photo by Azean Rot.

Report: Second Pizza With Gross Toppings Ordered for Hypothetical Person Not at Party

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PHILADELPHIA — Local party host Alex Rivers made an executive decision to order an additional pizza with a bunch of gross toppings as an option for a person that seemed to not exist in any reality, party-going sources confirmed.

“I was just trying to think of something that everyone would like,” said Rivers. “So I started the pizza order with a pepperoni. Then I tried to think of something that would appeal to anyone else that might not like pepperoni. I figured someone might have a gluten allergy, so I ordered a pie with gluten-free crust. Then I wasn’t sure who was vegan or vegetarian, so I did half with cheese and a half without. And I know tomato sauce gives some people heartburn, so I got it without sauce. People love Hawaiian pizza, so I just got the pineapple part and no ham. Oh, and some mushrooms. I’ll admit I think I may have panicked a little at the end and just yelled ‘anchovies!'”

Jim Downing, a guest at the party, was grossed out just hearing the order.

“Everyone would have been thrilled if he just ordered a second pepperoni or a plain cheese pizza for that matter. I heard him place the order, and honestly, I think he was in fight-or-flight mode as he relayed this nonsensical list of toppings,” said Downing. “It was just a pure stream of consciousness. I could hear him ask for cloves, olives, and for some reason, he asked if they could throw pickles on there. He was definitely in the weeds and tried to cover the taste of everyone in the world and pretty much no one in that room.”

Allissa Graves has been running a pizza shop for years and is no stranger to this phenomenon.

“This happens more often than you care to know. They’ll start with a classic like a Margherita or a pepperoni, something people love. But as they get to the second order, they begin to lose it. You can almost hear their minds racing,” said Graves while hurling dough into the air. “Sometimes they’re trying to build a pie that has toppings for everyone. Sometimes they’re just letting their freak flag fly and ordering a white pizza with grapes, bay leaves, and a handful of spaghetti because fuck it, second pizza. One thing is always true about this order: it will go untouched.”

At press time, Rivers was trying to construct a playlist for his next party, looking for bands on Spotify that appeal to fans of dubstep, country pop, and nu-metal.

Used Bookstore Doubles as Town’s Biggest Fire Hazard

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — WheatGrain Books in downtown Winnipeg continues to worry small business owners in the area due to the fact it’s easily the biggest fire hazard in the entire city, confirmed sources that were told to find a different storefront to smoke in front of.

“Well that’s news to me,” replied owner Lenny Boychuk as he carried a swaying tower of books. “Sure it’s a bit unorganized, but there’s so much work to do as a small business owner, it’s tough. I need to organize those old newspapers by the heater, fix those loose hanging wires, repair the heater’s natural gas line, and all kinds of little tasks. I just don’t have the time to get it all done by myself. Between cell phones, social media, and Amazon, I’m up to my neck in competition. You try running a bookstore in 2022. It’s impossible.”

The store’s patrons seemed unsurprised by the news, though some of them did acknowledge that the thrill of the hunt outweighed the threat of death by suffocating inferno.

“Whenever I can support local businesses I do,” said University of Winnipeg student Ashley Friesen as she dropped bread crumbs behind her so she could find her way out in a hurry if need be. “With all these paperbacks, old wooden floors, and cracked windows that act as a magnifying glass during sunset, it can be distracting for sure. But it’s also the only place you have any chance of finding a used Murakami. They’re like $30 bucks at Chapters, so I take my chances here as long as it’s not too crowded. There’s only one exit, and you have to squeeze through a narrow staircase that’s heavily obstructed with book piles just to get out, but that’s part of the charm.”

Some wonder how WheatGrain Books stays open despite the fact that the whole building could be engulfed in flames within minutes. Authorities weighed in.

“We know that place, you can bet your bottom loonie!” laughed Winnipeg Fire Chief Roland Santos-Wiebe as he fed garlic sausage to a dalmatian. “The problem is that the place is a heritage building and city hall won’t let us touch it. You know the paperwork involved with something like that? Believe me, I’ve tried. We even have a bet going at the station about how fast it’s gonna go up. I don’t know, with global warming and everything, it could be a lot quicker than people think.”

At press time, the manager of the orphanage next door to WheatGrain Books was seen browsing for a new property online.

If Babies Want Formula They Should Just Vote

Posted on by Zach Hudson

The baby formula shortage is troubling and regardless of if you’re a parent or not, you’ve probably got an opinion on the subject. Now I’m not here to talk about the supply chain or tell mothers they should breastfeed in lieu of formula. There’s a clear solution to this problem that no one is talking about and that is that if babies want formula, they should just vote.

This isn’t rocket science, people. While the formula shortage doesn’t affect me personally (I could afford to pay the $200 a can some online sellers are charging), it breaks my heart to see. Especially since it’s entirely due to the lack of babies turning out to the polls.

Voting is not a privilege. It’s a duty to this great country of ours. There isn’t a single issue that cannot be resolved by voting. Worried about losing abortion rights? As long as you’re registered to vote you have no reason to be! Hell, voting is the reason my city now has 24 hours to relocate any homeless camps that try to form near my affluent neighborhood. Thanks, voting!

The ultra-youth just doesn’t understand the importance of voting. Or maybe they’re just lazy. It’s an issue of personal responsibility, really. How can you expect your circumstances to improve if you don’t crawl to the polls and vote? I’ve never missed an election and you can bet that I’ll be going to the polls until the day I die, protecting my personal interests.

As Americans, we have the right to fight for our rights and our vote is our weapon. Sure, the system isn’t perfect so I get that some babies may be disgruntled, but that’s no excuse to stay in your crib on election days. I just hope that this is the 2 am wake-up call the infant demographic needs.

Punk Celebrates Six Year LinkedIn Anniversary at “Unemployed”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Marcus “Moose” Crawford took time to celebrate on LinkedIn his six-year anniversary at “Unemployed,” acquaintances within his network confirmed.

“I’m not one to make a big deal out of anniversaries, but I’m pretty damn proud of this one. Not everyone can say they’ve spent six consecutive years avoiding wearing a monkey suit or having to answer to some asshole making four times more than you. Instead, I get to wake up at noon and make my own hours, which is none,“ said Moose. “And yet I still get recruiters reaching out and bugging me with ‘opportunities’ to have the government take 40% of my paychecks. Yeah right, I’ll stick to fishing dollar bills out of laundromat lint traps, thank you very much.”

People within Crawford’s network of connections were less cheerful about his recent career milestone.

“The only reason I’m even connected to Moose on this site is because we worked at the same Subway for a week ten years ago, which I’m pretty sure is the last actual job he ever worked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him use LinkedIn for its intended purpose once. I recently put up a post about becoming Senior VP of Marketing at Home Depot, and he just replied ‘lol lame’ underneath,” said acquaintance Ryan Simmons. “The only time he ever did reach out to connect was when he asked if I wanted to throw rocks through windows of abandoned warehouses. I mean yeah it’s fun, but how does that pay the rent?”

Developers at LinkedIn are well aware that many like Crawford use the platform for non-traditional careers.

“The vast majority of our users only start an account to prove to other people, some of who’ve seen them steal parking cones while blackout drunk, that they possess some modicum of professionalism,” said LinkedIn VP Jenny Miller. “Instead of humble bragging about securing fancy-sounding careers, the contingency of unemployed users troll their network over the fact that their ‘position’ allows them to do jack shit all day while putting on heirs. It sounds strange, but they’re probably the most honest people on the site.”

As of press time, Moose updated his profile to announce he has taken a position as a sales associate at “Some Furniture and Other Shit I Found Behind a Denny’s.”

Review: Suicidal Tendencies “Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit… Deja-Vu”

Posted on by Heather Cook

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we take a close look at “Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit… Deja-Vu” by the band that put the crossover thrash genre on the map, Suicidal Tendencies.

There are some things in life we cannot explain, déjà vu and thrash metal are two of them. What happens when you put those things together? You get “Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit… Deja-Vu.” I came across this album on a recent cosmic quest to find the answers to why I’m experiencing the shittiest déjà vu of my life.

Let me paint a picture of what my déjà vu experience has been like: every morning I wake up, try not to think about killing myself, put on a pair of sweatpants, doom scroll for three hours, and Google why I feel like shit constantly. I’m in such a pattern of feeling like shit every single day that I’m experiencing a depression-triggered déjà vu. What I’m going through is a phenomenon that defies the laws of space and time because nothing can break the cycle. So, when I asked Reddit if anyone else has been experiencing a really shitty déjà vu, a thread popped up about this Suicidal Tendencies record.

Every morning I wake up, try not to think about killing myself, put on a pair of sweatpants… sorry! I just experienced déjà vu again. I’m so undeniably stuck in this pattern of feeling shitty that I can’t even remember what I said five seconds ago. Hence why I had to order this iconic album! I’m on a quest for the truth, but unfortunately, this album is just making me more confused than ever.

For starters, is it even an album?? Or is it just a compilation of two EPs? OR is it a cover album since they are covering their own music and Mike Muir’s other bands No Mercy and Los Cycos. These are the questions that haunt me in the dead of night when I’m trying to fend off feelings of existential dread. I think listening to this much thrash is making me lose brain cells which could only be making the déjà vu worse, and yet, I cannot turn it off.

I’ve tried to look for answers elsewhere. Olivia Rodrigo, Beyonce, Crosby Stills Nash & Young… they’ve all got music about Déjà vu! However, none of them seem to embody the absolute bottom-of-the-barrel “I Hate My Life” energy that propels from Suicidal Tendencies. “Controlled By Hatred/Feel Like Shit… Deja-Vu” may not make me feel better about being a piece of shit, but at least it makes me feel like I’m not alone with these terrible feelings.

SCORE: 5/5 Songs I Did Not Realize Were Covers

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“I’d Like to See a Social Worker Do What I Do,” Says Cop Who Does Nothing

Posted on by Tim Sheard

DURHAM, N.C. — Local police officer Chad Bixby vocally opposed the redistribution of police funds toward social services at a recent town hall meeting, according to sources.

“Me and my boys have to be ready for action at any time, so it’s important that our department has proper funding for gear and stuff,” said Officer Bixby, who spent the majority of his last several weeks on duty writing loitering tickets to homeless people. “Do you know how hard it is to tell people every day that they’ll never get their bike back, or we’ll never catch the guy who broke into their car? I bet a social worker never has to break bad news like that, and it takes a certain caliber of training to do that.”

Prominent activists point out that the ineffectiveness of police forces in preventing crime is nothing new.

“I thought I’d way rather a cop do nothing because it means he’s not out shooting, framing, or harassing anyone,” said abolitionist scholar and former public defender Khadija Henson, who was present at the town hall meeting. ”It’s sad the standard is so low that literally not killing someone means you’re more in the ‘good cop’ category, but I’m not sure why anyone needs another tank to stand around with their head’s up their asses.”

Many social services providers do support defunding police departments in favor of programs that prevent crime, yet lack the time or political capital to advocate for these changes.

“I meant to go to that but I had to stop and assess this man passed out on the street for signs of overdose. Luckily I didn’t have to Narcan him, but it made me late to meet my client and bring him to the clinic cause they only have dental on Wednesdays,” said social worker Elaine Chan. “I really wish I could do more to stand up for policy changes in my free time, but I generally just have to dissociate to reality dating shows when I come home from work. Have you ever taken someone on tar to the DMV? It’ll wear you out.”

At press time Officer Bixby was swiping through Tinder and Chan was convincing someone to put a knife down and take his meds.

We Tried Interviewing John Carpenter But He Made Us Chain-smoke And Play Borderlands Instead

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

John Carpenter is one of the all-time greats. A legendary writer, filmmaker, and musician whose work includes classics like “Halloween” and “The Thing.” More importantly, he’s one of our favorite “weird old guys” in Hollywood, right up there with David Lynch, Jeff Goldblum, and the guy who hangs out around Santa Monica Pier offering us poppers. And just like those fellas, John Carpenter is the good kind of weird.

We were thrilled to sit down with the iconic director and, after offering him a sizable check, he agreed to an exclusive interview.

The Hard Times: Mr. Carpenter, thank you for having us –
John Carpenter: My pleasure. How about that check?

Oh, of course. Here you go! We all chipped in for this one.
That’s more like it. God, I love getting paid.

Now, our first question is about your work with –
Hold on, why don’t you pick up a controller and help me with this boss. I’m getting my ass kicked!

At this time, the 74-year-old filmmaker insisted that if the interview were to continue, we’d have to help him beat the Kagawata Ball in Borderlands 3. We attempted to ask more questions as we played.

So, uh, while you were making “The Thing” did you ever anticipate it becoming such a beloved cult classic?
No I didn’t think about that. I don’t think about my movies. I’m glad people like them and I’m glad they paid for this Xbox, but I don’t think about them. I mostly think about all the loot I’m going to get when we kill this thing. Throw some grenades at that fucker! 

I’m out of grenades! Look, let’s switch focus a bit. How does it feel having created some of the most iconic characters of all time, like Michael Myers and Snake Plissken?
It feels fine. I don’t see my characters that way, you know? Iconic is a strong word. You know who I think is really iconic? Sonic.

Sonic? The Hedgehog?
Yeah! He’s fast as hell! It’s unbelievable. A hedgehog collecting coins and hanging out with his buddy. What’s his name? Tails? Boy, that sure would make a great film. Maybe I’ll direct it.

Actually, they already made two Sonic movies.
Really? Ah well, that’s a shame. I had some far out ideas for that little guy.

Right… Does that mean you’d return to filmmaking any time soon?
Probably not. I mean, who knows? Anything is possible. But I doubt it. Movies are a lot of work and I would rather spend my twilight years not working. Who wants to work? “Work is for workers” is what my father always said. Hey, you smoke?

Cigarettes? No –
Fuck that, here. Take a few. Now let’s start the next quest for Claptrap before my carpal tunnel kicks in. 

The director of “Christine” proceeded to feed us a steady stream of Marlboro Reds for the next hour and a half as we looted our way across the hostile world of Pandora. By this point we had completely forgotten that we were supposed to be asking him questions.

(coughing) Fuck, I died! This game is such bullshit… Sorry what were you saying?
Me? I was saying I’m an old man now and it’s great. I get to sit around doing nothing besides gaming. Sometimes I make music but that’s more of a hobby. Gaming is my main focus.

That’s the dream, man.
And the best part is, I still get checks in the mail. You see those “Halloween” reboots? Neither did I, but they paid for this house! Every time they remake one of my movies I get paid. It’s like magic. You should try it.

You’re so right, John. I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna finish my screenplay.
Alright! So, did you have any more questions for your interview or are we done here? 

Interview? Oh fuck the interview! Uh… any advice for people trying to break into the business?!
Make friends with Kurt Russell, he’s got a lot of pull. 

Okay… do you have any advice that’s maybe more accessible than that? 
No. 

Following our interview, John Carpenter has officially signed on to direct “Sonic the Hedgehog 3: Sonic Goes to Hell” starring Kurt Russell as Shadow the Hedgehog.

Local Venue Revealed to Be Exposure Laundering Front

Posted on by Jake Spanier

MINNEAPOLIS — Popular DIY venue The Dank Vault has reportedly been raided by local police after revelations that the small establishment was at the heart of an elaborate exposure laundering scheme, sources confirm.

“I’m still in complete shock,” said promoter Leo Prescott. “The Vault was a goddamned institution. You couldn’t ask for a better place to convince local bands to buy out three hundred dollars worth of tickets in advance to be one of five openers for The Faceless. To think that some underhanded shit was going on there the whole time…”

Local musicians report seeing suspicious behavior among Dank Vault staff members.

“I played a ton of shows there, and I always knew something was fucked,” said Pete Butler, drummer of local grindcore outfit Nerdz Rope Catheter. “Like, every time the door guy thought no one was looking, he would stamp his own arm and then throw a wristband in the trash. Everyone thought he had a sick tat sleeve, but it was literally all just stamps. Weird shit.”

Chief of police Jeb Bennigan spoke to journalists at the scene, noting that the investigation is still ongoing.

“It appears that mid-level bands were using this establishment to launder ill-gotten exposure gleaned from the summer festival circuit. These criminals knew there was no way a harsh-noise duo named PSYCHIC//KNIFE with two-thousand monthly Spotify listeners could legitimately be playing a showcase set at South by Southwest, so they had to run that exposure through the more believable setting of a dive bar with a two-hundred and fifty person capacity. Unfortunately for them, our forensic accounting team was able to detect this fraud using advanced algorithmic high-volume transaction analysis software that determined within a one percent margin of error that these bands fucking suck.”

At press time, Chief Bennigan noted investigators were also looking into a number of shell collaborations and Swiss Bandcamp accounts linked to the implicated bands.

12 Classic Songs That Were Wildly Misinterpreted

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Rock music is full of incredible songs with dense lyrical symbolism, imagery, and characters named crazy things like “Jack” and “Diane.” But rock history is just as full of people who wildly misinterpreted those songs like the dumbasses they are. Here are just a few of the classic songs that people just got completely wrong over the years.

“Runnin’ With the Devil” Van Halen
“Runnin’ With the Devil” is often taken to be an ode to the life of a touring band (like AC/DC’s “It’s a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock ‘n’ Roll)” or Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Travelin’ Band”), but in fact, singer David Lee Roth hired fallen angel/personal trainer Lucifer Morningstar to help him work on his cardio in the late 1970s.

“November Rain” Guns N’ Roses

While Gun N’ Roses’ symphonic epic was indeed based on the short story “Without You” by Del James, the theme of a rock star mourning the loss of his beloved bandanna has been frequently misinterpreted by the casting of supermodel Stephanie Seymour as the headscarf in the music video.

“Common People” Pulp

This Britpop classic was lauded for Jarvis Cocker’s wry, sarcastic lyrics and its undeniable synth riff, but most people failed to realize the singer was not commenting on the rigid class structures of the UK, but on how common it is that people exist. Given Great Britain’s historically high population density, it really could not have been clearer.

“Two Princes” Spin Doctors

Alternative rock band Spin Doctors hit the big time with this earworm of a song, but while most fans took lyrics like “I know what a prince and lover ought to be” as stream of consciousness wordplay, singer Chris Barron has since revealed it was a diss track towards his sworn enemy, Minneapolis musician Prince and his two-faced lies.

“Psycho Killer” Talking Heads

At the 2002 induction of Talking Heads into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, frontman David Byrne took time out of his speech to finally clarify that the song was his attempt at warning the world as to bassist Tina Weymouth’s decades-long murder spree.

“Nazi Punks Fuck Off” The Dead Kennedys

It’s not about “Nazi Punks,” it’s about “Nazi, Punks,” clearly telling one specific Nazi and all punks to fuck off.

“Bastards of Young” The Replacements

Released on 1985’s Tim, “Bastards of Young” was critically acclaimed as one of Paul Westerberg’s finest songs and an anthem speaking to a generation’s sense of alienation. It wasn’t. It was about how your mom and dad were never married.

“Starman” David Bowie

When David Bowie and the Spiders from Mars performed “Starman” on Top of the Pops in 1972, it made the singer a star after years of unsuccessful attempts. Decades later, he would be sued for slander by the song’s inspiration, his former landlord Arthur Starman, who did not appreciate that fans mistakenly thought he was waiting in the sky and would like to come and meet them, but was afraid he would blow their minds. He was not afraid.

“Der Kommissar” Falco

Austrian pop star Falco’s breakthrough hit in Europe, “Der Kommissar” has often been interpreted to be about a doomed couple on the run from the law, but co-writer Robert Ponger has always maintained it was about the tumultuous Austrian political atmosphere of the 1970s and also Batman’s friend, Commissioner Jim Gordon.

“Breaking the Law” Judas Priest

It is shocking that so many fans of Judas Priest took the song as a lyrical reference to the desperation of working-class youths to escape their economic fates, when singer Rob Halford can clearly be heard saying “I’m not” before the iconic chorus of “breaking the law” and “because that is wrong to do” immediately after.

“War Pigs” Black Sabbath

Chalk this one up to cultural misunderstandings, but Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs” is not a protest song. It’s about the Birmingham band’s love of the noble Warringtonshire breed of farm pigs, one of which raised singer Ozzy Osbourne from the ages of six to fifteen.

“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” The Beatles

It’s about PCP.